A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Every time I see my dad, the first thing he asks is if any guys are chasing me. He thinks I need a boyfriend. I'm a Sophomore in college and haven't had one since my Junior year of high school. I'm fine with not having a boyfriend, though it would certainly be nice to have one. But he is very concerned and is acting like he thinks there is something wrong with my personality, so I need to rely on my looks to get a guy. My dad is always harping on about my appearance. I am an average weight, maybe even a bit on the skinny side. Yet he comments on everything that I eat and asks if I'm trying to lose weight. When I say no, he asks why. And I don't tend to try as hard with my appearance at home, if I'm not going anywhere. During my spring break, I didn't wear makeup or really do my hair for just one day, and I overheard my dad talking to my mom about how he's worried that I'm letting myself go and won't get a guy because they need "bait" to get interested in someone. I heard him say that he thinks I dress below average, and that I'm not like normal girls. But, I'm probably the dressiest of my friends and they think that this is absurd. I'm not the type of person to go over-board on makeup or anything, I guess. But I think I always look presentable. He acts like it's my responsibility as a woman to play up my looks. He doesn't know that I heard all of this, but it makes me feel horrible about myself. And now all 6 of my friends on campus have boyfriends, so I'm the only one that doesn't. Maybe it wouldn't bother me, but after hearing my dad say all of this stuff, I start to think that maybe there is something wrong with me. I am a very shy person, and I do feel especially awkward around guys. I'm kind of worried that I will never find someone because no one will want to put in the effort to get to know me, as it will surely take awhile since I'm so reclusive. My sister told me that my dad asked her one day if any guys are interested in me at school. She said that she didn't think so, and he said that maybe it was time that they did something about it. I have no idea what that even means. Maybe he's thinking of setting me up with someone? How ridiculously pathetic is that? I just don't know how to feel okay about myself when my dad acts like there is something wrong with me for not having a guy. And now I am dreading ever going home again, as he will surely be evaluating my appearance and continuing to ask me about guys.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): Will weigh in one more time. You obviously know your parents and family dynamics better than any of us, but very impressed with your articulateness and insight with respect to your parents as well as fellow aunts and uncles. Like all of us, your parents are the cumulative result of their life experiences, not all good, and to your credit you've taken that into consideration. At your age I was a total slacker who had no conception of the hardships my parents endured along the way to giving their kids absolutely fabulous childhoods.Given what you've said, seems like politely ignoring your father least objectionable alternative. You've got a bright future ahead, good luck and best wishes. And when in however many years, as Dad walks you down the aisle (not even pregnant yet!) make sure to give him a resounding "I told you so."
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, thanks for your input. I really appreciate all different opinions on this subject, because I’m trying to make sense of what is going on through all perspectives. He probably is reflecting ideas of gender roles from his parents. Although, oddly, he doesn’t expect me to be a stay-at-home wife. He wants me to get a good job and has always made sure I get good grades. Although, I do think that he believes that women should kind of serve their husbands, judging from the way he treats my mom. So that makes it a little more confusing. I think it’s more along the lines of the fact that he is worried that he screwed me up and made me too antisocial/too much of a loner to find anyone. So he thinks me not having a boyfriend is reflective on him as a parent. Also, from the behavior of my mom, I think she has some sort of anxiety disorder. So maybe he is worried that I’m going to be like her? I feel like he does want the best for me, yes. But I don’t think that he really cares whether or not he hurts my feelings, and I think he knows that he does. But from his point of view, it seems worth it to hurt me to make a point. I think he also kind of does it to act out because he’s so hurt on the inside; he had an abusive childhood. It’s like he can’t control his temper and thinks he’s better and much smarter than anyone else. I appreciate your advice in not being confrontational, though. Perhaps it might work if I explain just how I view what he says. But the way that he is, he would turn it around on me and say that I am too sensitive for interpreting it in that way. I could never imagine him apologizing, unfortunately. But I may try that. Thanks for the different perspective!
Fishdish, it’s a relief to hear that I’m still young enough to not be worrying about really serious relationships. He acts like I’m in my 30’s or something in terms of pressuring me to find someone. I’m only 20! Thanks, it makes me feel better to know that everyone has their own pace to this sort of thing. And you are right in that not having a boyfriend has a lot of benefits. I do feel like I can be alone and be happy and self-reliant. Yeah, it’s my suspicion that he thinks parents need to look for problems, or else they are not good parents. And he did marry really young; he was only 22. So in terms of his life, I guess he probably thinks it’s weird that I’ve never been in a serious relationship. Thanks for the advice- I think it may help if I tell him that I’m perfectly happy without a boyfriend. I’ll see what happens with that.
Maverick494, that’s a good point. It’s just such a big role-reversal. My own dad is telling me I need to dress in a way that is more appealing to guys. It’s strange. Yeah, I just haven’t found the right guy yet. Maybe it will take awhile, but I shouldn’t be thinking that there’s something wrong with me. I do sort of ignore him, but he keeps at it. Though it ends a lot more quickly when I ignore him; I’ve learned never ever to oppose him or fight him, and not to give him something to react to, or he’ll go on for hours. But maybe I’ll try your method that you learned from your psychology class. Thanks again, you really are helping, all of you!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): Thanks for the feedback, OP.
Just want to add that in my amateur opinion, absentee fathers seem to be the major predisposing factor among those 90% of DC female posters stuck in unhealthy disfunctional relationships with lying cheating controlling abusive deadbeat losers.
Probably hard to believe right now, but despite your dad's outdated views on gender roles, you are much better off for having an active involved father in your life, warts and all, than you would be if you were clinging to childhood Daddy fantasies and your primary goal in life was to get yourself knocked up by the first scumbag who looked your way so "we can be a family like the one I always wanted and never had."
Pick any random date of any random month of archived postings and scan those from young women your age. Most are functionally illiterate unmarried mothers completely incapable of properly providing for the spawn of their useless baby daddies whom they are usually pining over and desperate to win back. They don't have a chance, and neither do those poor kids.
Nowadays it seems the concept of a two-parent family is almost as outdated as your father's view of gender roles, but as you go into the world you'll have a sense of grounding and stability few peers will share. It should serve you well when life throws the inevitable unexpected curveballs at you, I'd say it's what's helped me most in getting through tough times.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 March 2012):
Thanks for your follow up OP! Ugh, as if the amount of attention you get from men is an indicator on whether you dress well. Hookers get tons of attention from guys, so does that mean he approves of the way they dress? Ridiculous.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you OP. You're much better off taking your time and eventually ending up with a guy who loves you and makes you feel comfortable than some a-hole the bulk of the DearCupid question askers seem to end up with. In college, all of my friends were either hooking up or in a relationship. Can't say they were happier and better off than me.
If you're dad is so hard headed and tough to reason with, simply ignore his comments entirely. My dad tends to be impossible during arguments, which is why I decided a few years ago I would no longer put up with it. So whenever your dad says something hurtful or inappropriate, don't react and don't acknowledge him. Simply go on as if he hadn't spoken at all. Only react when he says something sensible. It works on bullies and it'll work on him.
I remember from psychology class that the usual approach in a psychiatric facility was to try and calm down patients that were drawing attention to themselves through bad behavior. It didn't work. So they tried the opposite. They gave attention to the patients that behaved well and ignored the loud ones. The bad behavior lessened after that.
Your dad knows he's rattling you through his antics. That's why he keeps doing it. So simply don't react anymore. Don't give him the opportunity to argue and if he does go in rant mode, let him talk to a wall. This way, you can convey you're not interested in his view on how you should live your life without having to argue with him to get your point across.
Hope this helps!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (24 March 2012):
 WOW. LOL I don't know what he would have done with my family--my sister is 28 going on 29 and she JUST got her first boyfriend a couple of months ago, and my younger sister, a senior in college also never had a love interest. I was a forerunner in this department, getting a guy at 20! I realize this is pretty unusual, but it should go to show you/your dad that everyone is on a different pace, I think NOT having a guy has a lot of benefits- you are able to develop a strong sense of self, independence, and values without having a man there to guide you through it or manage them or monitor your development as a person. you don't have to look any particular way than the way you like.
Your dad needs a new hobby, I honestly think parents sometimes have nothing better in their lives than to find things wrong with their children when they're perfectly happy and it must have to do with some way they were raised; or did he marry young and think it's about time you do too? may be that he's trying to reach out to you and thinks that because you're at the stage where girls like boys if he can land you a boy he'll be better valued by you, or it's how you two should relate to each other at this stage of your life. In all scenarios, I would try to talk to your dad, tell him you appreciate your concern but you're an adult now and you'll present yourself as you see best, that your priority right now is academics and happiness outside of that kind dependent on males. you should suggest alternative means for him to express his love and concern for you, do an activity together that doesn't involve romance and matchmaking!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): Agree with CaringGuy, but not knowing where you are in the USA or your father's age, in interests of fairness to your dad you should understand that it's very possible he could simply be reflecting the now-outdated views of his parents
if they were raised in a time and/or place where daughters were raised with the sole expectation they would be stay-at-home wives and mothers, and within that mindset the main reason for sending a young woman to college was for her to snag a college graduate as a "proper" husband of whom her parents would be sure to approve.
If you were my daughter (and I'm old enough to be your grandmother's much younger brother), I would be absolutely ecstatic you are pursuing your own goals and aren't stuck in an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship with some random deadbeat loser you met while online or drunk, as 90% of Dear Cupid female posters seem to be.
That your dad is disappointed guys aren't chasing you suggests to me that he is out of touch with today's reality. He should be warning you that guys who chase girls are almost always just trying to get into their pants, and a guy like that will say and do anything to get a girl like you into bed. That your dad isn't grateful you haven't already made him a grandfather may be further indication he's not quite with it.
I know your father's words must seem very mean and hurtful, if not downright cruel, but I honestly believe he's completely unaware of how you're interpreting what he's saying. Most parents are well-intentioned and they only want what's best for their children, but parents are also human and so words that may sound mean, hurtful, or downright cruel are actually just misguided, ill-advised or even (not too often but sometimes) downright wrong.
Advance apologies to CaringGuy for slight modifications to his advice to allow for mitigating circumstances (if applicable, if I'm off base then use his original versions)
1 - You just ignore your father and accept that he has outdated ideas.
2 - If you approach him, be conciliatory and not confrontational; tell him that while you understand he's trying to be helpful, he's unwittingly being hurtful. Simply explain how you hear what he says in a calm, even tone of voice and he should respond by being appropriately remorseful and apologetic; I'll be surprised if he isn't, but if that is the case then refer back to Paragraph 1 or move on to Paragraph 3 (my preference if needed)
3 - Do what CG's sister did when their father suggested that she marry and be a housewife because she couldn't do anything else - and tell him that you're into group sex and bondage and you don't believe in monogamy (though this will obviously be controversial), and that, in fact, university has opened you to all this. (I only changed CG's first-person pronouns, and kudos to CG's sister for coming up with a definitive, yet humorous and therefore non-alienating, method to immediately end any further discussion.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmaverick494, thanks for your perspective. I also don't party, and I think that my dad might think I'm a social outcast or something. He apparently used to have a new date every weekend. It's just not my lifestyle; I can only be comfortable with a certain kind of guy. I'm not sure that I can say anything, because he is such a good arguer. He'll turn it over on me somehow and say that he's just saying all of this because he's "concerned." Then when I say I think I do dress just fine, he'll ask if there are any guys making a move on me right now, and indicate that I have my answer. But it's nice to know that someone thinks I'm just fine, so thank you for your input.
curious1987, thanks for the advice. Next time he brings it up, maybe I'll try to tell him that I'm happy the way that I am and that I haven't found someone I am that interested in yet.
anonymous, thanks, I find it pretty strange too. I really don't understand it. He firmly believes in the gender roles of the 1800's, it seems like. He treats my mother like she's beneath him. I wish I could move out, but as a poor college student, I can't afford it. At least I don't have to be home during the school year. But I dread my summers.
CaringGuy, it really is a shame that we can't pick our parents, isn't it? I wish I knew what makes him behave the way that he does, but I don't fully understand it. He always finds fault with something and turns little things into big issues. I am afraid to stand up to him in any way, but maybe it would help the situation if I said something next time it happens. Thanks so much for your advice, you made me laugh!
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (24 March 2012):
I'm so happy you're so mature. Please stay exactly how you are. Your dad is the one who needs to do some growing up, it seems!
Society tells us that basically once you hit your teens you need to start dating. And of course in the old days people generally married at a younger age than today. That said, my grandmother married at 18 and she always assured me that I was doing fine and that I should just let the chips fall where they may.
Your dad seems very occupied with reputation, maybe especially his own. Parents talk a lot to each other about kids. It's almost like a competition to some. "Oh well, but MY son is majoring in biochemical engineering..."
Heck, my mom even told me when I was your age that one of her dreams was to see me happy with some guy and have kids one day.
My dad also made those comments about looks, how I should use my femininity to my advantage. It was just disappointed me to hear that over and over again because it kinda confirms the stereotype that guys think with their dicks.
Like you, I'm also not a social butterfly. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with that. It seems you were fine about it until your dad started making a fuss. So talk to your dad, tell him you're sick and tired of him dictating what your life should be like. Tell him the truth, that you've come to dread being home because of his controlling behavior. It's YOUR life and he's insulting you by attempting to take away your choice on how to live it.
I'll tell you how I ended up. I'm 24 now. At 22 I got my first boyfriend, which I met at a sports convention. It took about 6 months before we actually started dating. I never dated any classmates, I never got into the whole partying scene and I basically never did what society tells you you should. I did what I wanted to do. And I'm happy. So do what you want and what you're comfortable with. You'll be fine. Your dad should be proud of you.
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A
female
reader, curious1987  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 i feel ssorry u have to put up with someone saying that, that's suppose to love you. there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. you need to sit down and tell your dad, that you aren't going to date a guy that you are not interested in. there is nothing wrong with being single. tell him when you find a guy you like, you'll date, but not till then.and there are plenty of guys that will take the time to get to know and see past ur shyness. :-) xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): I have never heard anything like this before. Usually it is the mother who is concerned for her daughters love life, or the lack of, while the father is the happiest if there are no boyfriends in sight.
Your father behavior is really strange. You can try talking to him about it and explaining that you don't need a man to be a complete person. However, based on what you have written, it is not likely he can change his believes. If I were you I would do the best I can to avoid talking to him and look into the option of moving out, you are old enough to do that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 March 2012):
Pity, sometimes, that we children can't pick their parents. Imagine how simple life would be. I think it was the director Spike Lee that said he thinks parents are more responsible for the shattered dreams and hopes of children than anyone else. You can take that saying and apply it anywhere - parents can really screw up a child through their own warped view on life.
Take you - your father clearly has a problem with the fact that you don't have a boyfriend. I suspect that's because he wants to marry you off so you don't have to be kept by him if you're unable to get a job or something.
But, because of his comments, now you're worried that you do have a problem. It's a classic. He has the problem, but you now think it's you.
The answer, of course, is that you don't have a problem at all and your Dad is an idiot. I don't really know how you can deal with this. I suppose you have 3 options:
1 - You just ignore your father and accept that he has some problem.
2 - You tell him to stop being so cruel to you, and that you're supposed to be able to count on him being there, not going on about men.
3 - Do what my sister did when my father suggested that she marry and be a housewife because she couldn't do anything else - and tell him that you're into group sex and bondage and you don't believe in monogamy (though this will obviously be controversial), and that, in fact, university has opened you to all this.
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