A
female
age
51-59,
*ineknot
writes:I had a friend 20 years ago while serving in the Army. He was working with me and my husband too at the time. I am now divorced from that husband and seperated from my current husband. When we were in the service together, we often hung out at my home, and my (now ex) husband always noted a certain something about this friend. He would help me, listen to me, etc. more than my husband did at the time. I only thought of him as a really good friend. Fast forward a few years, I ended up finding out my spouse had cheated, and we seperated. My Army friend drove up to see me, but never acted differently. He always was respectful to me, never tried to "get in my pants" as my ex always suspected he wanted. well now 20 years have gone by. I recently seperated from my husband because he was cruel and emotionally abusive to my son. I left him in June. I've been communicating with my long lost Army buddy, but only as friends. He's recently divulged he "has always loved me." I'm kind of blown away. He said he started out thinking of me as a sister, then grew to love me. He said he didn't want to be the reason my first marriage went south. I told my sister about this, and she said "we all knew he loved you, how could you not know?" I guess deep down I suspected, but didn't really feel the same way back then. But now, I am starting to feel really crazy. Before I left my husband, (recently left) I had a dream about this friend. We'd talked on the computer, and on the phone occasionally for the last 2 years. I dreamed he was holding me, just holding me, with no sex or even kissing. But this dream was so comforting, like I've never felt so safe. I was leaving my husband, and I worried I'd talk in my sleep or say something about this friend. I just didn't even know he felt the same for sure til I moved out and he finally told me he loved me all along. I am talking with this old friend alot more now, and enjoying knowing I might have something real this time. We know each other, as friends, our hair down, I mean he has seen my worst and best sides if you know what I mean. He says he loves every part of me and always has. It's amazing to me that I didn't see this coming somehow. There's always been this wonderful almost surreal connection, which I've always cherished. I just never imagined I would have such strong feelings for him after all this time. I mean, i'm wondering if I really loved him all along, but didn't realize i did? Does this make sense? I always thought the world of him, but wanted the bad boys instead. Now all I can think about is loving him and sharing our lives. I think I'm losing my mind. It gets even more complicated though. He still lives with his wife, (who admittedly cheated on him several times last year) he says he hasn't felt love for her in years, and said this prior to his declaration of love for me. He is an extremely sensitive person, who spent years playing with my own two boys when they were little, and I knew he would be a devoted father to his own, even back then. He told me he thinks he married in order to have a child, cause we didn't speak for 15 years or so, (I was in a relationship with someone who wished that I have no male friends, and we fell out of each other's lives, out of respect for my ex's feelings). In that period, he married and had a son. He tells me that his son means the world to him (which I know is true)....and that he will be filing for divorce from his wife as soon as he can.In the mean time, I am living far enough away that we only communicate by text and calls. He calls daily, and tells me he loves me. I think I love him too. I wonder, how do I figure out if this is real or if he's just lonely for companionship and afraid to be alone after his wife moves out? Any males out there with feedback about a girl from the past? He said he's dreamed about me for years, and didn't want to let me go again....he said he knew it was a bad time to confess his feelings, but he was afraid I'd be involved with someone else (probably would have too) by the time he finished with his divorce and told me how he felt. The timing stinks, cause now I am confused. I know how much I've loved him as a friend, and I know and always knew, that he'd do anything for me....but I'm trying to see what I should do.
View related questions:
divorce, emotionally abusive, kissing, moved out, my ex, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Pineknot +, writes (17 January 2010):
Pineknot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell we're seven months into this and things are going as well as could be expected. My husband filed for divorce and I'm hoping we can settle this matter soon in a manner fair to both of us. He hasn't made any requests for reconciliation and pretty much has left me alone. My friend from the past is still telling me he loves me, and even mentioned marriage is on his mind. I am still feeling positive about our relationship...not as confused now. I read an article about lost loves, in which the author mentioned that reunited loves have a 70 plus percent rate of success. This gives me hope. I am too far gone now to consider any course other than seeing this through. I almost gave up on finding love...having so many failed relationships wears you down, and you start thinking it's you. I was the common denominator after all. But I do think that a relationship like ours doesn't come along often, and I just can't see walking away without giving it my best. I'm trying to look forward to a better future, with someone who respects me, and loves me unconditionally. What more can anyone hope for? This man is good, he's got a heart of gold. I know he would never hurt me intentionally. He's never given me any reason to question his integrity. In about two weeks he'll be giving his wife the divorce papers and moving out. I am still not seeing him physically because we live in different states...but he asked me if I would consider moving closer in the future and I'm considering that. I know he has alot ahead of him, as do I, to wrap up that part of his life....and I am ok with that. I'd rather have him in my life in any capacity, than to live without him. These things take alot of time and that's ok...he seems to have moved on emotionally, he's indifferent towards his wife, and she is the same by his description...only looking at her own needs and desires...he says that's the usual behavior and has been for a long time. He expects her to leave without much complaint when the divorce papers are presented...hopes he can keep custody of their son as she has been uninterested in being a mom most of their marriage...he already does all the parent stuff alone anyway. I wanted to post an update and let you know we're still navigating our way through this....but things are as good as I could have hoped.
A
female
reader, Pineknot +, writes (6 October 2009):
Pineknot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again for your insight. I appreciate it. It's nice to have a place to say what's really on one's mind.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Well as I said, proceed with caution.
I just got a mental image of him being your safe guy. The so called nice guy that gets told "if only I could find a guy like you" by women.
But a nicer way of looking it is that the two of you just weren't ready for each other.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pineknot +, writes (4 October 2009):
Pineknot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all for your advice.
Lazy guy, you're harsh! Ok but having said that, I think you had several points and valid observatins. So I will try to respond.
The explanation I've recieved regarding the delay with the divorce is twofold. She is looking for a job in her hometown, where she wished to return when they split up. She is not just in the dark, she knows his plans. He is not willing to ask her to leave as she is his son's mother. She comes and goes as she pleases, and has little to do with the daily care for their son. My friend takes him to school, (mom won't, even though she drives right by there on the way to work) and cooks his meals, makes sure his homework is done, all the daily tasks required of a parent are his responsibility currently, and have been since his son was little. She accepts little responsibility for the child. She lives in her own room (her decision, and it's been that way for a long time) they've been together 13 years, he tells me since their son was born she's never had a connection with him. She prefers to allow my friend to do all the parenting.
Knowing all this, it's easy to understand why he would want custody of his son. He's already his main caregiver, and the boy wishes to be with dad. He even knows mom is "not right" as his son says. She stays up at night, forgets to turn off the stove, then expects to have the 8 year old wake her up to turn it off! Recently he came home and found the kitchen full of smoke, fire alarm ringing, he had to wake her to ask what happened...her reply? "(their 8 year old child) was supposed to wake me up!"
He's been in contact with a divorce attorney for a year now, and since he wants custody, he's had to gather enough information to show the judge she wouldn't be the best choice. (She admitted to actually bringing one of her boyfriends into their home while his son was down the hall).
I'm afraid it's uncommon for a man to get custody of his son without serious valid reasons. It's uncommon unless the mother agrees. He doesn't think she will agree, because she may want to avoid paying child support, or she may just want to have her son, but leave him with her family to run out and have her fun...but if she is irresponsible now, imagine how it will be with no reason to hide it? He said he plans to file in Novemeber.
As far as my panties being on fire...well I wouldn't choose those exact words but he does excite me if that's what you mean. It wasn't the way I saw him years ago. But I'm feeling very very open to the idea of being much more than friends now.
I'm older and I've learned to choose what I need, and desire, and to avoid what I do not want. This man is not an alcoholic, he's devoted to his family, he loves my kids (remember they were little boys for the 4 years we worked together, the time in which he spent practically every day with us) he's been faithful despite his wife's infidelity until recently, and that's only in words. How long can you live with no partner, even in the same home, before you reach out?? I feel like this is love, and it's taken me a long time to feel like I can lay my heart out for real. I don't think I ever gave my heart a real risk before. I married for the wrong reasons. I refused to risk getting hurt...married jerks to ensure that I wouldn't be hurt...maybe? I don't know. I didn't grow up in a happy home, and I didn't know how to choose what would really make me happy. I've never connected with anyone like I do with this friend, we're best friends and I've known him over 20 years...and never found one reason not to adore him.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (4 October 2009):
Well it's great that you're independent and you should be proud of that. Just give this guy time. :) All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pineknot +, writes (4 October 2009):
Pineknot is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn answer, he told me over a year ago that things were not happy with his marriage. I was speaking to him daily then, just as a close friend, as we've always been. He told me he suspected she cheated, and he's planned on divorcing her for at least a year. He wants custody of his son, as his wife is unstable, and unsafe. (For example, recently my friend left work early, not feeling well, and found the kitchen was full of smoke, he asked her what happened, after waking her, and her reply? _____(their son) "was supposed to wake me up." His son is only 8 years old. He desperately wants to have custody, he's concerned for his son's safety with her. His wife is an unusual person, she posts videos online and has a very strange personality. My friend believes she is obsessed with having the attention of many. Although they live together, they don't share a bedroom (her choice, and it's been that way for years).She is basically there for a couple reasons, one she has no job in her hometown where she hopes to return according to my friend, and two, "I can't just throw her out." He plans to serve her soon, but has been seeing a lawyer for over a year, and gathering information in order to have a shot at custody. Being a male, it is a bit unusual unless the mother is in agreement. He also has a pending lawsuit in which he may recieve a large sum if things go well. Some employer didn't pay him properly for a number of years so that case is pending and it will provide the $3000 he'll need to retain a lawyer.
I have had a poor history for choosing men. Unfortunately I was bamboozled by a con man, and fell for his charisma...only to find that he was cruel to my son, emotionally. Fortunately for me, although you imply I am a loser in love, I have enough money to leave if the situation warrants it. I can provide for my self and my kids and I don't Need a man. I want love. I have made improvements as far as what kind of man I wish to be with, and I know what I don't want anymore. I want someone worthy of my heart. I know my friend well enough to know he would not abuse our relationship and or hurt me intentionally for any reason.
...............................
A
female
reader, hassana +, writes (4 October 2009):
well i think at the moment you should give this guy time to heal from his divorce and give each other time then you can see what happnens
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (4 October 2009):
Ah, I was reading your post and wondering where HIS relationships were in these 20 years.
And there it is.
She cheated on him multiple times, in the same year. And he is only now saying he will file for a divorce, as soon as he can. She has admitted on the cheating.
Sounds fishy. Why? What would the reaction of a normal man be to his wife cheating, several times? Who has after all another woman waiting in the wings? Divorce is a legal battle, the longer he waits, the harder the infidility will be to prove and the more change her lawyers find out about the two of you and make the case go her way, not his. So why the delay? It makes no sense.
You might have a "when harry met sally" thing going here, but you already admitted that your taste in men sucks. Could you be picking your 3rd problem case?
Just proceed with caution. Women who like bad boys tend not to change their tastes and you saw what happened to the other woman who was married to him. She cheated and there is always a reason.
To me, the fact that you dreamed of him as a care giver with no sexual feelings is a huge warning sign. You are leaping to a safe guy after being hurt twice but you might get hurt even more.
There simply is not a single line in your entire post where you mention your panties being on fire for him. Why is that?
You think you love him too. Is it the love you feel for an adoring puppy or a husband?
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 October 2009):
You will need to give him time to get over his split. Don't rush into moving in with him, or into a massively serious relationship. Wait until his wife has moved out, then take your time getting to know him and allow him time to get to now you. The important thing is to give it time.
...............................
|
