A
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age
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*oncerned_mom
writes:Please help, I think my 24 year old son is in over his head.In July of this year my son met a girl who he started dating, in September he told me that he wanted to buy a new house in a town 30 minutes from us, I figured it was because his new girlfriend was from there. The day he took us (myself, my husband,daughter and son in law) to see the house he had bought I over heard him introducing himself to his new neighbour. The neighbour made a comment about the fact that he bought a huge house for just one person and my son laughed and said "If things go right my girlfriend will be here to". At the time I was shocked but thought oh it is puppy love.I normally don't interfer with my childrens lifes.But my concern for my son is real. he is just 24 years old and his girlfriend is 27 with 2 kids (a 4 year old and a 2 year old). She was married for 5 years together with her ex for 11 years. She separted from her husband in early May.Last night my son had a moving in party, everyone was sitting outside around a fire havind drinks and singing. When out of no where he started signing this love song then proposed to his girlfriend in front of everyone. Everyone was happy and congradualtion then and I was speechless. He has only been dating her since July!!! He said taht he knew her for about a year through mutual friends but still. How can a women end an 11 year relationship in May, met someone in July and then accept a propsal in October. I think this relationship is moving way to quickly. How can I voice my concern to my son with out sounding interfering or pushy.
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reader, NightLad +, writes (4 October 2009):
 Hi Concerned_MomMajor kudos to you for confronting your son with your concerns and fears. And major kudos on maintaining a civil and diplomatic tone while doing so. Knowing that a parent disapproves of a relationship will often put Jr. on the defensive and feel like they are being forced to make a “them or me” choice. You clearly love your son a lot, and I know you would not want to fracture that relationship.I would suggest you take a peek at divorce laws in your province. Not all provinces handle them the same way. Quebec, for example, demands life-long alimony payments as long as the receiving spouse does not remarry. I know an 82 year old man who has been married to his second wife for over 30 years and he STILL makes monthly payments to his first. If your province has similar laws, it may, at the very least, be enough to give your son pause for reflection. After all, if their love is pure and true than a little more time should not matter. That said, being young and in love it may seem that everything is a rush and hurry, and despite whatever sense you speak he may do the opposite anyway.You’re his mom and you will always worry, but at least you will know that you tried. If nothing else it seems that he has given consideration to your most pressing concerns. Soon it will be time for him to handle the reality of those concerns, and in doing so, take that final step in growing up.I wish you both the best.
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reader, Candleman  +, writes (4 October 2009):
 It seems like the girl is repeating the same pattern as before. She never learned her lesson. Hopefully your son is not going to learn the same lesson.
You obvioulsy love your son very much, and you've done your duty as a parent to voice valid concerns.
I would still try to push for a later date for the wedding. I don't know if it is against your beliefs, but if they were to spend a year living like they were married, then perhaps this would be enough for the relationship to reach a more realistic emotional level.
I remember the first year with my wife it was like magic. Literally one arguement in a year. After the year though, oh boy, reality kicked in. But, when we got married it was based on this reality, not the initial emotions.
At some point though, you have to muster the strengh and accept this is what is to be. Because, in the end, the most important thing is to keep the bond between you and your son strong.
Good luck ma'am, and may God grant you the strength you need in this trying ordeal.
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reader, concerned_mom +, writes (4 October 2009):
concerned_mom is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for replying, Candleman and Nightlad, when I read your comments my heart skipped a beat, to think my son may have been involved with a married women and could possibiliy be the reason behind a divorce is heart breaking, but put my mind in over drive. So I called him up and asked if we could go out for breakfast, he said yes so I flat out asked him if he was involved with her during her marriage. He said no (although I am sure he would not admit it to me anyways) but I did come right out and say it. He said that he know her through his business and that they talked from time to time but that was it. I made it known that I felt he was lying to me but he swears by it. I also asked if they planned on having a long engagment, he response "I was thinking a destination wedding this winter maybe Feb or march". Considering that they wouldn't even be offically dating a year until July I had to say something. I told him that she seemed like a sweet girl and that she had 2 wonderful kids ( I didn't want to come off like I don't like her - because it's not that. I do like her she does seem like a nice girl) just thing are moving way to fast. I asked about her marriage and why it ended, he said that they were young when they got together and they had grown apart and again said he had nothing to do with it. (Let's just pray that was true). He seemed to know alot about her and it seemed that they had talked about almost every aspect of their "new" lives together but it still doesn't seem right to me. I did voice my concerns in the best way I knew how, explaining to him that not only was he getting a new wife but 2 kids, 2 kids tht would need a father figure in their life, that they would need dicipline, and 2 kids cost alot of money in todays world. I explianed that moving in and getting married to a women with kids wouldn't be all fun and games. There would be no long honeymoon stage where they could just sleep in on a saturday morning and spend the whole day in bed with each other or no unplanned call in to work get aways. He said that he knew all of that and that I needed to relax. I asked if they would have kids of their own and he "Hell yes." (again please pray they wait until they know this whole relatiosnhip thign will last).So that is when I pulled the money card, my son works hard in a very succesful business, he has many assetes, and is slowly climbing to the top. He laughed saying that she was not into his money. So I guess I did all I can do , even though it seems as if we got no where I guess I did try. I just hope that he is right and that they are in love, god knows I will be praying harder then ever and I may never sleep again, but lets hope I am wrong.
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reader, NightLad +, writes (4 October 2009):
Your son knew her for over a year... but she has only been separated since May, and they've been together as a couple since July.It does not sound like the relationship is moving 'too fast' as you suggest; rather, it sounds like it has been going on for some time. As unsavoury as it may sound, could it be possible your son was the 'other man' prior to the separation?I hope the separation was amicable else a scorned husband can be quite dangerous... especially one who has been cuckolded.Like it or not it sounds like you are on the fast-track to becoming a grandmother of two. Whatever the circumstances of the relationships, it is going to be official sooner rather than later, so you can either learn to tolerate it or you can begrudge their relationship and alienate them both from your life.It is terrible to watch our loved ones make choices we feel are horrible mistakes, but sometimes you just can’t force them down the road you think is right.I sincerely wish you and your son the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): You need to be careful here... First, as a parent you have a right (although limited and NOT to be abused) to at least gently voice an opinion - ONCE...Face to face, talk to you son, keep it short and to the point. Don't say ANYTHING about her specifically, as the two of them may very well live a long and happy life. Thirty years ago my best freind met, moved in with and later married a woman that no a single one of us liked. He was THE guy in our school that every girl wanted and favored to be the one to do the most with his life. Long story short, he and his wife are the ONLY couple to sill be together- all of us, bar none, have divorced at least once. His parents were not at all keen on the relationship, or their first house... which he finally sold and bought a nicer larger home, in a nicer smaller town.be heard, just be heard properly... and don't let what you say ring in his ears every Christmas dinner...
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (4 October 2009):
 You can voice your concerns but to someone who may think he is in love it is probably going to fall on deaf ears.I know it must be a real struggle for you to strike some happy medium.I mean jesus, this gal seems to have a ton of baggage and your son is about to inherit a ready made family. Not to mention that this is way too fast.I guess if I was in your shoes I would at least try.You must point out those facts (ready made family,the short time frame....the fact that it almost seems she is a bit of a gold digger). Those are all valid points and I certainly understand your concern. I would personally be aghast if my son was rushing into this. I know you are scared he will explode with the "You don't want me to be happy speech".But, if what you say is true, I think that for his sake(personally and Financially) that you better just come right out and say it. There is going to be no good way to do this, except if you can get him alone and in a calm environment(i.e. not like an intervention, although I bet you would love to have one).Jesus what a conundrum...this gal has Golddigger stamped on her head. In this instance, Id risk it. I think he will thank you for doing it in the long run. In the short term maybe not, but this is so out of a bad movie of the week that you might as well go with both barrels.Hopefully some of the other Aunts will weigh in, as I am known to be a pretty abrasive soul here. Maybe somebody else can come up with a less militant stance on this.Please keep us updated.GR
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reader, Candleman +, writes (4 October 2009):
Well ma'am it seems like your son was with this women while she was married for it to have taken this fast. Either that, or he is thinking with his heart and not his mind (probably a bit of both.) You need to talk to him to see if he has been seeing this woman prior. It doesn't make it better, but at least you can understand things a bit more. Aside from understanding better, I can't give you a magic key to make your son see things more rationally. I wish I could do so. You can tell him how much his life is going to change. How many bills will be coming in and what not. How his heart could change in a year or two and then he is stuck w/ the divorce and all things with that. It won't matter, because a heart in love fears no such things. I would ask him to give it a bit more time. Postpone the wedding to as late as possible for them to be more sure of themselves. That's about all you can do. And, then hope he see's for himself and or is at least more sure of himself. I wish I had more ma'am. I wish you the best.
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reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (4 October 2009):
I don't know if you have tried this yet but maybe it would be a good idea to go on a couple of bonding dates persay with this girl. Obviosly I don't mean romantic dates with another girl but just go out with her a couple of times and get to know her. It is possible your sons sees something in her that you don't see. In getting to know her the key is making her feel comfortable around you. If you succeed what will happen is she will start to volunteer information of how she views her relationship with your son. Once she starts sharing look for red flags. Since she is older fresh out of a long term relationship and has two kids one major red flag I would look for is anything she might say that suggests an agenda she has for your son. Such as if she starts talking about wanting more kids once this or that happens. If she really loves your son the conversation will be more like "your son is great and I just love him so much and he seems to have had a great mother to raise him." Listen very carefully to her language and choice of words. Once you have made your assesment do the same with your son. Go out with him and try to get him to open up for what he hopes to get out of this relationship/marriage. Then after you have done all that put it together and then make your decision to sit down with at least your son if not both of them together. Good luck
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