A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:11 years ago, I was a waitress in a lounge. I got to flirt with drunken men for a living - and I was good at it. I was in a completely new and dysfunctional relationship, and unknowingly pregnant at the time. One night, an absolutely beautiful man came in with a group of guys. He was perfect. He wanted me... badly. I denied his advances, mostly because of my boyfriend situation - but I also chalked his interest up to being hammered. He was truly out of my league.The next day, my bf and I were going to his sister's wedding. I was meeting him for the first time. Imagine my complete shock when I find out the new husband is my dream man from the night before. He happened to be on his stag... We nervously chuckled, he apologized for his behavior, and became great friends. His wife, my ex's sister, is a good friend to me and good aunt to my daughter.Dream man and I have flirted... but he flirts with everyone. 7 years ago, his wife, my friend, cheated on him. It was a shock! He was the cheater (in their dating relationship) not her! Long story - but the night he found out, he called me. Wanted to come over. Said he's always wanted me. I did not about the cheating, and I was overcome. I had always crushed on him - but I couldn't betray my friend. I shot him down. He was devastated, but called to apologize so sincerely, I felt awful for him. He didn't tell me she cheated - she did a few weeks later. After 6 tumultuous months apart, the reunited. All was well in their world.She has often complained about him to me - mostly about how he badgers her too much for sex and controls the money. I have defended him to her. He is not perfect, for sure - but he left his cheating ways behind after they were married. She had cheated on him for a year, and I felt that she never appreciated him.Dream man and I have often had frank discussions about sex. Often with his wife present. She chuckles - about how I can have him. She jokingly said I should be his sex wife, and she'll do everything else... ha ha ha, right?This weekend, he was providing some training to me (he is a certified trainer, and saved me 300$ by doing me this huge favour!) Wife made plans to travel (whether she knew I would be there in advance, I don't know) but she knew I was taking training. While there, I even talked to her on the phone. Day 1, he asked me if I ever thought of him 'that way'. He said he was sorry he called to proposition me that night 7 years ago, but that he didn't regret it. He said he's had many, many opportunities to cheat, but his mind would only wander to me.I was sort of in shock, and sort of beside myself with giddiness.He asked (as he does every time I have seen him for 10 years!!!) "Are we making out tonight?" I am used to the joke, and said "No!". He looks at me, and with a sincere look of disappointment, he says "You're so hard to read. I just have a small part of me that believes you might say yes to making out with me some day."The look on my face must have given my shock away - because he said he was sorry for making me uncomfortable. But then looked me dead in the eye and asked me "Do you feel the same way about me? Have you ever thought about it?" I knew the right answer was to say no and leave. But it was like a huge vacuum was sucking me in, and the only answer I could mumble out was "yes" I left. But day 2 of training was the next day.We made it through all 6 hours of training, and we were good. But we had talked about personal things all day - how he reacted to his wife's cheating, how life was different since taking her back, etc. I will admit - I wanted him so badly I was weak in the knees. He got back on the "will you make out with me?" track. I turned him down. Numerous times. It was time to leave, and he says to me "Man, I can't believe you turned down my advances". Then for some reason I can't explain, my response was "Well you really didn't try very hard".Next think I know, he's kissing me hard. Before I even caught my breath, we were making out hard, and so quickly, having sex.I was in shock. I left shaking and swearing I would never do this again. I would think about him, what we did, and I would start to get dizzy... I would stop thinking that, and remind myself that this was my daughter's aunt's husband! But the mental battle was on. He's hot - he's off limits. He's totally into me - he's not mine. He's in tune with my needs - he's married!!!! I went home and showered him off me, and swore I would never ever, ever do this again. He called me the next day. Asked me to consider meeting again. Not now, he said. Take a few days to cool our jets and think it through. Later that night, he called again. Just making me feel so sexy and desired (exactly why my marriage failed!) and I caved to his request to 'come talk'. 3 minutes into our conversation of "are you ok? are things going to be weird between us?" and our clothes were on the floor.He wants to meet regularly. I am terrified.I don't want a relationship. I am recently divorced, in school full time and ridiculously busy. I haven't had sex in almost a year before this. The attention feels completely delicious. I don't want to hurt his wife. I don't want to wreck his family. But I want him. I have attempted various "friends with benefits" relationships. Unfortunately, they never work because the guy ends up wanting more, and I have to bail. This situation - hot sex and lavish attention - is all I want.Is there any way for this to be ok? I think he really needs to feel alive again - he has been miserable since taking her back years ago. But he knows leaving the relationship will cost him more than he can stomach. (I wouldn't date him if we were both single - he's way too effing hot, and I think he's likely going to be a chronic cheater.)Could the friends with benefits concept possibly work here? I don't want moral pontificating. Can we have a hot and gratifying affair without hurting his wife and without any major strings attached? Has anyone ever experienced a long term affair that didn't become emotional? Can an affair based on sex remain that way?I really appreciate any insight into my question - not judgments about whether this is morally right. I am struggling with that enough as it is. I know the answer - I am just not strong enough to make that choice right now...
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affair, crush, divorce, drunk, flirt, friend with benefits, kissing, money, my ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTimm - I would be concerned for my physical health, if he were with other women. Protection isn't perfect. But emotionally, I already know he's with his wife. Potentially, I wouldn't see my involvement as anything BUT selfish on our parts, and would likely back away. Hard to say for sure. I wouldn't feel betrayed or jealous. Just not sure if my justifications would work any more, you know?
Rescuer, I am not sure how I did a 180. I do care about him - as a friend whose happiness I am worried about. I also care about hers. Problem is I know my needs are being put in front of them both. It is I who realistically has the least to lose. My question, I feel, is the same. Is it possible to stay emotionally uninvolved. I guess, for clarification sake, to not fall 'in love'. That is when bad decisions to leave or to be careless are made.
I don't think he would fall in love with me. I think he's crazy about my lack of inhibitions, and genuine desire to be sexually expressive. I make him feel GOOD. But he also cares too much about his family to leave it. I know we are continually risking his family. I have to deal with this - and it certainly does weigh on me. I am shocked at how easily I can ignore it, though. I have never been in this position, and have been a harsh judge of those who have been in the past. I know it's wrong - on a lot of levels.
As I mentioned very clearly, I wasn't wanting the moral finger wagging from some, but they're free to share their opinions. I am hearing that most people don't think it's possible to stay detached. I am worried you are right, but I certainly don't feel that now. It's days old, I get it. I would be shocked if this continues once the new wears off. I could end it tomorrow and I wouldn't regret it. I wish his family wasn't at risk, that's true. (I feel little sympathy for her - she's done it and it was a very emotional affair. She left her husband for him, and only begged her way back once her boyfriend dumped her.) I don't want to intentionally hurt her, but I can sleep at night about that.
Wow, maybe the justification process is just too strong to fight against. I felt differently about her 2 days ago, that's for sure.
I am feeling a little consumed by the HOT of it all. Like I see the fire, know it can spread, but just don't care because the fire feels good FOR NOW.
If I knew she'd never find out, I wouldn't care a bit.
And to whoever asked how I'd feel if my husband cheated? Well I would like to say he'd have no reason to... :) but in reality, my exhusband is getting married 1 year after we split. He probably did cheat. And honestly, the breakdown of the marriage was harder than acknowledging his cheating.
To sum it up: Feeling more strongly about seeing him, but feeling even more scared about how I'm handling it. There is little doubt to why this is such a slippery slope....
A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (25 May 2010):
 Can I ask you a question? How would you feel if you found out he was sleeping with other women behind both you and his wife's back? Would you want to continue having sex with him or would you stop?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the insights. I know I am in total justification mode - I hate it, but I know it. I truly don't have any additional emotional attachment to him. I mean, I care about him for sure, he's been family for 11 years. If he ended it tomorrow, I feel like I'd be completely ok with it. I haven't seen his wife yet. That scares me for sure. More than anything I don't want him to get caught - he has too much to lose. Worst case scenario for me is she doesn't talk to me, maybe tries to kick the crap out of me.
Do I feel like I'm betraying her? Yes, in a way for sure. But on the other hand, my justification process is that I will NEVER encourage him to leave her. If he was cheating with someone else, he may end up leaving. So in some very backwards way I feel like I'm providing something she's not, I'm getting some attention, and he's staying with his wife.
It's just that I need to make sure we stay emotionally uninvolved. Can it be done?
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (25 May 2010):
i realise you dont want to hear this but you know this is wrong, i one of mistake is bad enough tbut to turn this into a long term affair as friends with benefits is dreadful.
long term buddies with extra will always get confusing but you do need to think if yu were with a man you loved and then you found out your friend was having sex with him how would you feel.
it is this kind of thinking that destroys relationships, friendships and lives and you should quite simply be ashamed of yourself for your betrayel.
you should leave this man alone and go and find a single man of your own. even if you dont want to date him single men would also be into the whole friends with benefits idea.
leave your friend husband alone.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (25 May 2010):
Try getting him to talk to his wife about you being his "sex wife". I'll admit, it is far from normal... but there is a small possibility she'd go for it. Especially since you all openly talk about sex.
Otherwise, a friends with benefits relationship would end up being bad. Every time you'd see her.... EVERY time, you'd feel guilty. This guilt would eat away at you. He'd have to lie to her, as would you. And the longer it goes, the more she will be hurt in the end when she finds out, and she WILL find out eventually.
Get them to consider an open marriage, otherwise it sounds like their marriage is already over. You would just get caught in the middle of their issues. Is he worth all of that?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2010): You are still cheating with a married man. No good can come of it.
Eventhough the wife has jokingly said you can have him - when it comes down to the crunch I bet you will be in for a fight.
Rather walk away before you get very hurt
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2010):
 I don't think a long term affair can avoid to become emotional at some point, at least for one of the parties involved. I don't think it can't ever remain just strictly based on sex.
Sex is sex- in itself ,just gymnastics. Once you have checked out the whole repertoire of your sex buddy, and seen the new tricks, and got used to the new smells and sights- if there's nothing else, you are done -bored- time to move on. Let's say, 5 or 6 encounters. If it lasts more- if it feels still new and exciting after 5 or 6 times- it's because ,whether the lovers admit it or not, there's more. Other needs are being met than the one for physical release.
To sum it up : watch your step. Very carefully.
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A
female
reader, ChristineAvril +, writes (25 May 2010):
 His wife has given you the clue to your future actions - she doesn't want him sexually and has offered him to you.
Take her up on yhe offer......
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