A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help with a question that's been floating around in my mind. I'm very much in love with my girlfriend and we've been dating for about 1 1/2 years now. We recently got engaged. Here's the issue...My girlfriend/fiancé is from a very small home town. Her parents are very old fashioned and had her pretty sheltered. She has only had 2 boyfriends prior to me. One in high school and one in her junior college. (2 out of 3 people she's slept with.) So 2 years ago she moved to another state with her older sister. The state where we now live. I made the mistake of asking her if she has been with anyone since she moved here. She said she semi-dated someone on and off because he lived in another city for a little bit and slept with him. She felt a little ashamed because they weren't officially a couple but they had been going out whenever he was in town for about 3 months and she said it had been a long time and she gave in. I was a little surprised by this and I think she could tell it made me uncomfortable.later, She was talking to a good friend of hers and I overheard her say, "yeah, I think it was 22 total." at first I freaked out because i thought that's how many people she had slept with, but I kept listening and that's how many guys she had gone on dates with since moving here 2 years ago. So she had dated 22 different guys, in two years. Our town isn't really that big. 30,000 people, max. So it was a big number for me. I would joke with her saying things like, "well at least I didn't go out with 22! Different girls!" until one day she got mad and said it made her feel like a slut when I would say things like that. And she once said, "you make it sound like I slept with all 22 of them!"My question is, could she be lying about how many people she slept with? She said, "It's not like I slept with ALL of them." does that mean she slept with some? We've been out to dinner and run into some of these 22 dates and it's always that weird awkward feeling like when you run into an old boyfriend/girlfriend; and I can see the discomfort in the guys faces. Would that still be there if you haven't slept with someone?I have slept with 3 women before her. All serious girlfriends that I loved dearly. I guess I just want opinions from women on what they think...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): That's exactly what I am afraid of. That she might have that "wild side" that she wants to forget. Not because she might have lived wild before but because she might be lying about it now? I don't have any definite proof she's lying, all I'm going on is my gut feeling based on how she answered the question we BOTH asked.
And as a personal choice, it really DOES matter if it was 2 or 10! In a perfect world everyone would wait to have sex until they are married. Like most people, I couldn't wait, so I wouldn't expect her too; but the few women I did sleep with I had deeply loved and seriously considered and forsaw marriage. I just want to be 100% sure she felt the same way. And that's just a personal choice. She said she did. But little hints and clues seem to pop out at me and suggest she did go through a little wild phase.
And yes, she's more experienced than I am. She's 27 and I'm 25. All of my encounters were when I was fairly young and most were just quickies because I never had my own place. When we first started having sex, she slowed me down and basically taught me to foreplay and I learned very quickly. But I can't help but wonder where she got all her experience from? She said her last ex boyfriend's dad worked nights and was totally fine with her staying over while he was gone. And that was a bit of too much information for me. She said she would tell her parents she was spending the night at a girlfriends house and be with him. This was all back when she was like 23/24. So I don't know if that's where she got it or while she dated 22 guys maybe picked it up there?
Either way, the problem I'm facing is yes, afraid 1. She's lying to me and 2. If she is maybe she's had too Many sexual partners for me to accept? Thanks for all the advice so far. I wish I could just NOT care, but I can't.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I agree with chigirl 100%.
Also; CaringGuy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): who cares if shes slept with 2 men or 200?! honestly, the past is the past, even if she had slept with more people a lot of us have a "shameful" wild side we'd like to forget!
the important part is now shes with you, loves you and is faithful to you. and thats what shes chosen to do.
back off her or lose her is my advice!
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 You are digging where no man should dig. You might find something nasty, but more likely you'll find nothing but keep on digging convinced there's something there! Like a miner in a depleted mine scrabbling in the dirt for that 'gold' that just isn't there. The illusion can be so powerful it will ruin your relationship based on only paranoia and presumption.
Now read this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Oh by heavens. She went on dates with a total of 22 men. It could have been one date and thats it, or two dates and thats it... But you seem to WANT to hear that she slept with all of them. And yes you DO make her sound like a slut when she is far from it, and that is a pretty low blow. If you actually respect her, lay it off and back off it.
I do not think she is lying to you about anything, and I most certainly do not think it is anything to be "shocked" by if she had slept with a man she was not officially dating, but had been dating for 3 months. I mean come on, what she does is her business. And how she chose to date in the past is really none of your business.
Do you feel threatened by her because she was able to date many more men than you were able to date women or something? Or what exactly causes this irrational fear in you? And yes, why does it matter if it was 2 or 10.... Are you worried she lied to you, or do you just want to "nail her" as a slut?
My boyfriend, and myself for that matter, don't know precisely the number of partners the other have had. We know what it is roughly around. But have otherwise no interest in sticking our noses into a past we actually aren't all that fascinated by. Ask yourself: do you really want to know absolutely everything about her past sexual life? What good dies it do you or your relationship?
Just trust your woman or leave the relationship, like CaringGuy said. It makes absolutely no difference what her number of previous sexual partners is, but what does make a difference is whether you find yourself unable to trust her.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 August 2010):
 Who cares? Why are you getting married to her? Do you actually need to know how many of the 22 she slept with? Would that make a difference with how you feel about her, since whatever her past is, happened before you had any feelings about her. You could ask, but don't hold it against her. It's her past, not yours. If you slept with 22 girls, would you expect her to feel different about you, when you met after, and she says she loves you.
Love is about who she is, not what she's done. It's about not being able to see yourself spend your life with anyone else but her. It's about you two have now, and not what either of you have done in the past. If she does tell you her past, drop it, and treat her as the girl you want to get married to, and nothing less. Her past experience is not your experience together, so don't let either of your past ruin what you two can share. Think about it. Out of 22 dates, you're the one who stole her heart, that she wants to be with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): I'll give you a guys opinion. I am a bit sheltered myself. I'm 41 and have slept with only 5 women, most of which were before I was 20. I married young and divorced after 15 years. I had a GF after the divorce who waited till she was almost 30 to have sex. She claims to have had 4 partners before me, but knowing the way she was about sex (she loved it) and how many men she had floating around on FB, e-mails and texts, I always felt the number was a bit higher.
Dude, if it all happened before you, you may need to let it go. If you asked her, got an answer, do not press for more detail. If it is really bothering you, sit down and kindly tell her you have concerns about how many partners she's been with. Because you may have concerns over STD's and just want honesty for the sake of your relationship, you need to know the truth...whatever. But you need to assure her that the truth will be OK and you will not ask again. Because she hid the other 21 guys (even though I dont think you need to know about everyone she dated) I might assume she hides the truth from you. But if it didnt happen while you were with her, letit go. She may have had sex only with that one guy and may be telling you the complete truth. Pestering her will only result in her getting frustrated, and you looking insecure. What is fueling this anyway? ARE you insecure because you've had fewer partners? Dont be...it's unrealistic and probably not true she's slept with anywhere near 22. Besides, doing the math, she was only in this town 6 months before you guys dated. SO how could she have dated 22? That's one a week. Or were some while you were with her? Maybe you DO need to talk. Something not adding up here
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (24 August 2010):
If you can't handle this now, end the engagement and leave. Yes, she could be lying. And since you're already worried about the 22 men, she's clearly got a good reason to lie since you may not be able to handle it. The point is that you're supposed to love her as she is, and accept that she has done things in her past. If you can't accept it now, you'll just keep going on at her and she'll leave. She's already got mad at you and suggested you think she's a slut. You're treading on thin ice. You either get over this by yourself, or get out. Now. Don't waste your time or hers wondering about what happened in her past.
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