A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Thanks to a lack of willing participants, a casual acquaintance and I ended up having a night out at the pub. We're both single and ended up going back to his place. We had an amazing few hours and crashed out. He was supposed to be heading out for a work friends birthday day out the next morning, but skipped it and we spent another couple of hours in bed. I left, assumed it was a one night stand and left it at that.Three days later, he dropped me a message on facebook and we end up chatting, the night comes up and I tell him I'm up for round too, if he ever fancies it, to which he responds that he'll check his work shifts the next day and see when he's free. The next day, we make plans to have a 'night in' at mine the following Monday.Since then, he's initiated contact every day - not just discussing the night but general chat. We're both kind of hinting at it, and both kinda shy so I bite the bullet and suggest a friends with benefits arrangement, which is accepted (duh, he's a guy).I've jokingly said to him that we have an awesome time in bed, and that when some woman picks up on his other good traits, she'll snap him up and I'll be screwed. His reply was that he wasn't looking for anyone so I'll be safe for a good while.He contacted me yesterday afternoon to see if I was free for the evening and we had a more typical booty call, but when he was leaving, he made a point to remind me that Monday 'was only a day away'.My question? I guess I'm confused by the mixed messages... do guys who only want friends with benefits (I'm using that term, but to be clear, before the night out we weren't any more than 2 people who knew each other through other people and had never actually had a conversation between ourselves ever) usually make a point of keeping in touch every day, making 'dates' in advance (I'm more used to the type of arrangement that happened last night).Is it possible he's interested in more? I'm perfectly happy with the arrangement (I suggested it) but wouldn't be averse to something more. How do I bring it up without scaring him off? I *really* do not want the FWB part to end because I make it awkward by asking, I have needs and given my situation (stay at home single mum to 5 kids) it's almost impossible for me to get out and meet anyone new.
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booty call, facebook, friend with benefits, mixed messages, one night stand, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (16 March 2013):
"I'll have ice-cream for dessert every day because I enjoy it, but if one day someone offers me chocolate sauce to go with it, I won't turn it down. The prospect of improving something does not mean that the original serving is not what I wanted in the first place"
You are accepting what is on offer to you and not what you really want. If you had exactly everything you wanted out of this then there would be nothing that needed "improving"
For some reason I get the impression that you are trying to block out the fact that as far as he is concerned, you are not going to get your chocolate sauce.
Somehow, I think you are totally refusing to see it how it really is, like someone in denial.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 March 2013):
 Well maybe he isn't one of those typical 'I just want cold bare faced sex' guys, maybe he wants a little chat...to make it more palitable?...Even Johns make small talk to the prostitutes they visit, because they visit them for years and get to know them...it's just natural human connection applied to a 'kinda unnatural' situation...it makes it seem more normal.
You are giving mixed messages yourself. Here you are a woman with 5 kids,and I apologise profusely for saying that it is hard not to surmise that you have had 'issues' before with men?...maybe you got hurt too much? Maybe you see the whole FWB thing as a way to have sex but not get hurt?
Thing is, eventually it will ALWAYS hurt, because it's so difficult to NOT apply the whole human connection thing, the natural urge to be loved and wanted and cared about. Let's face it, you have to be a pretty cold hard bastid' to kill those feelings, not many can do it.
Of course we fool ourselves and lie to ourselves because that is what protects us from getting hurt and dissapointed.
Men hurt women and women hurt men. If you really really know in your heart of hearts that you absolutely do not want anything more from this guy, then simply tell him not to say nice things to you, or break off the arrangement and find someone else to have sex with.
Something you said confused me, you said you have known the guy for over 10 years, but that you hardly know him?...but you have been having sex with him? That just seems a little weird.
I understand about having the kids and not being able to get out to meet someone, but is it not possible to meet someone through a proper internet dating site and build up a friendship that way? Thousands do that every day. That way you have more chance of meeting someone who doesn't mind you having kids. Maybe they might have kids of their own so they would understand.
With this kind of arrangement, people do get hurt...one previous guy you were with got hurt...and left you with guilt and now you are in the same situation with this guy.
This guy has his own opinion of you and he will only stay if it suits him, you cannot control how he feels or what he does, you can only be honest about how you feel...so tell him, because that is the right thing to do.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2013):
 OP, not to be polemic, if you are happy we are happy, but " we assume ", I think, because you wrote " ...I would not be adverse to something more. How do I bring this up without scaring him off ? ". So, it would seem you aren't just calmly waiting for someone to OFFER you chocolate sauce on top of your ice cream, you are having a hunkering for chocolate sauce and you are asking us how to go about getting it, in fear that the restaurant waiter will deny it to you if you don't ask it the right way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, he knows - we've been mutual acquaintances for over 10 years, just never hung out same place same time :)I *am* ok with this arrangement, I was the one who suggested it because I went looking for exactly this. I just didn't want to hurt someone I know is a really nice guy (as I explained in a previous reply)I do find it fascinating that all the replies assume that I want more and he is the typical guy wanting sex and that's all, when I know with certainty that sex is all I'm after. Saying I would not be averse to a relationship does not mean I am secretly chasing one - for example, I'll have ice-cream for dessert every day because I enjoy it, but if one day someone offers me chocolate sauce to go with it, I won't turn it down. The prospect of improving something does not mean that the original serving is not what I wanted in the first place :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): Does he not mind you having 5 kids? Have you told him? You act as if you are okay with the arrangement, but i dont think you really are. If he wanted to be with you, he would be there. it`s as if you are accepting it because it`s all you can get, and you will end up getting hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): OP again
AuntyEm: the reason I am worried about scaring him off is that I literally have no other options for gettings my needs seen to - 5 kids 24 hours a day, no babysitters or nights off to find someone else. 7 years ago, I had a similar situation and the guy *was* falling for me and I hurt him (which I didn't want to do) by *not* realising, and I don't want to go through that again - this is why I was trying to get an idea :)
I don't know this guy well enough to have fallen for him, we were barely passing acquantances at best before the night out
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 March 2013):
Be honest with yourself...You want more than FWB and telling yourself your ok with just sex isn't true...how do we know this?
Because you are over thinking the outcome of what you are doing and are working on a plan to raise the issue of having more, whilst trying to avoid scaring him off.
People in FWB, don't want more, won't even think about more and won't be the least bit worried about scaring someone off.
What happens if he does not want more?...or worse...wants more from someone else but totally rejects you?
It's sitting there waiting for you and when the truth comes out, it's going to be painful.
He is keeping in touch and making dates with you because he knows he is onto a sure bet for sex. When he makes a date with you and doesn't want to have just sex, that may be the time he is wanting something more, or it could be a sign that he is out the door.
Please think about what you are doing and why. Sex does not make men love women (I am old and I know this to be the truth)
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Seems like a typical friends with benefits arrangement here, he's keeping in touch because you keep having sex with him. If you you are happy with that then go for it, I think knowing something is just about sex will help you enjoy it for what it is. Just keep your option open when it comes to other men.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): OP here - for those assuming I wanted more than FWB , I didn't. I was literally looking for someone to scratch an itch and I'm getting what I want :)It's just not the way I'm used to getting it, it's reassuring to know there are good guys left!
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Hi
You have offered no strings sex,he is not going to turn it down. It's a novelty right now and he probably can't believe his luck,is still on his best behaviour.
*If* your happy to continue as his free sex,and for your needs and can guarantee you won't get emotionally involved, fine. If you think you can cope, then don't look for any hidden messages,there are none. He is happy as is.
He is not looking for anything more,he has been honest,it MAY change later but it's more likely not too.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 March 2013):
I said it already on DC and I'll say it again,with many apologies to whom may have got tired of reading the same thing :
it blows me over how low women nowadays keep their expectations, and how they assume that an only,or mostly , physical relationship, should automatically mean that a guy treats you like crap.
FWB may be a new denomination, but the arrangement is centuries old, there may be times and reasons for not having a committed relationship, just two people who occasionally hang out and pleasure each other. Why this should exclude friendliness , politeness, even affection, - I don't get it. It's FRIENDS with benefit, a friend is someone who treats you well, is nice to you, gives you a cuddle if you need it, you can have a conversation with him, or make plans to meet up- that's NORMAL.
Just because they are not in love with you and viceversa, it does not mean that they should act like pigs !.
Instead no, apparently if a guy pops up drunk in the middle of the night, does the deed, goes without as much as a " take care " , - i.e. basically treats you like an unpaid prostitute,- that's FWB.
If he acts NORMAL, with a pinch of friendliness, of flirtatiouness or courtesy- oh then he must want more, otherwise he would not be so " nice ", right ?
WRONG !
People treat us the way we teach theem, if there are so many women willing to sell their soul for a piece of dick and cry tears of gratitude for a kind word,... then no wonder that there also will be so many guys happy to take advantage of a bar that has been set so incredibly low.
Rant over :). My point, which I think by now you've got, is no, I don't think the way he acts means he is catching feelings, as of now it just means he is a normal guy and not a jerk.
What I wonder is, if you wanted something more than FWB only, - why did you propose FWB ? Why did you ask him...the opposite of what you really want ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all, good to know. Will continue enjoying living in the moment :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2013): OP there are no mixed messages here. FWB's is basically a relationship with zero commitment and zero seriousness, all the other things apply. He can do everything you would do when dating normally, can be affectionate, spend the day doing nothing more than talking and a bit of cuddling, literally everything you would with a girlfriend the only difference is you're not in a relationship so he's free to never see you again tomorrow if he chooses and he also gets to keep seeing other women and take any other opportunity that arises and of course he has the biggest benefit of all from this, not the sex, but the fact you can't make any demands or give him shit for anything whatsoever because he can just drop you if you do. Don't confuse anything as a sign OP, nothing is. Wouldn't be a very good fuck buddy if all he did was ring, shag you then leave and not be in contact would he? No, most women would feel used pretty quickly if you weren't nice to them and spent time keeping them sweet.
"Is it possible he's interested in more?" No, not in the slightest OP because he's straight out told you that.
"His reply was that he wasn't looking for anyone so I'll be safe for a good while." OP you're old enough to know that means "I'm not interested in you in that way." This is a convenience for him, nothing more.
"How do I bring it up without scaring him off?"
You can't. He's told the deal, he's told you he's not interested in a relationship with you, yes OP, with you, otherwise he wouldn't have risked you walking away by saying no relationship. OP you know where you stand here so what's to bring up? You're FWB's and he's told you it's not going to be anything more. The only reason you'd need to say anything is if FWB's is not going to be enough for you, you really like the guy and are only settling for whatever he will give you at the moment but live in hope.
"I *really* do not want the FWB part to end because I make it awkward by asking, I have needs and given my situation (stay at home single mum to 5 kids) it's almost impossible for me to get out and meet anyone new."
Look I'd very much advise you to discontinue this merely for the fact I've seen this a million times and you do seem to be feeding off the scraps when you really would rather be dating him. You already seem interested in more here OP but are "taking what you can get" otherwise why would you even be here asking?
You're a grown woman though OP, capable of protecting yourself, capable of knowing when to back off and this situation does fill a need for you so for the moment it's okay because you're not crazy about him or anything.
Just be very careful to manage your expectations here, you need to understand the hope of a relationship is pretty much zero. You need to have an emotional point that when reached you'll be ready to open up and either he starts a relationship or he goes. Do you know what I mean? There's a level of liking him that will cause you pain if you keep sleeping with him, be prepared to end the situation when that happens and not do what so many women do and stay out of hope while their heart slowly breaks.
Take care of yourself OP and understand this is casual sex, nothing else, that is all he is mandated to provide you. All the rest is just keeping you sweet, it's not designed to impress you or to make you fall in love it's just how you treat the woman who gives you free pussy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 I'm not seeing any mixed messages here.
FWB does not mean they treat you like dirt... it's come to mean that but it's supposed to be FRIENDS....first
he's being a friend.
stop looking for hidden meanings in him being your friend and being nice.
My husband and i started out as FWB.... I offered it to him did not want more.... he fell in love... it happens.
just go with the flow and relax
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 I think it's a kind of personality that likes to plan and be prompt. Keeping in touch, for me means asking about your life, getting to know you on a deeper level. An FWB can mean anything between a one night stand, a spontaneous flake, dates that go nowhere, and a long term sex partner without the intention of living together or marriage. Basically all the good parts of a relationship minus the financial drain, arguing, cleaning up after each other, making awkward conversations, and having to hide from the kids. But you don't get the security that he will stick with you once the newness wears off.
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