A
female
age
36-40,
*loudnine
writes:Hello agony aunts,I'm hoping you can all help me get some perspective and advice on how to deal with an extremely jealous and hypocritical husband...I recent got married to my partner of three years. We haven't had a perfect run, we we love each other dearly and try our hardest to make it work.Anyway to the point.Recently we've been arguing A LOT due to the fact that he stays out late with his mates and I recently found out that he lied to me about going to clubs.Deep down I know it's all innocent, but I can't help feeling hurt at being lied to and the fact that he has such blatant double standards.Now, I wouldn't have a problem with this if I was 'allowed' to do the same. But if I even stay out past 9pm we end up having a huge argument. He gets very angry when I say we must both stick to the same rules and simply says that he is still very young (22) and wants to enjoy his youth by going out with his mates - while at the same time, not 'allowing' me to do the same.He insists that I inform him of my whereabouts everywhere I go and is becoming increasingly controlling since we tied the knot.I know I am the most dearest person to him in the world, but I sometimes think he has problems channelling his affection, jealously and frustrations.I don't want to end the relationship, I simply want advise from others on how to get him to relax or understand that I need freedom to breathe just as much as him. Any ideas?
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 August 2009):
 AS the others have written, his behaviour is unacceptable. Basically you have two choices: stay with him and change him by sticking up for yourself OR leave. If you are physically scared of him then you should leave because the domestic violence will get worse to the point where he won't allow you any freedom. However, if this is a case of your husband being allowed to get away with whatever he wants 'to keep the peace' then it is time to assert yourself. Go out late if you wish, do what you want (within reason) and don't ring him if you are running late...at the moment you are enabling his behaviour by accommodating his unreasonable requests for phone calls and coming home early. Stop that and do what you want as a grown woman. Marriage does not mean he should dictate what you do in the way he is. If he wants to go clubbing then fine, let him. But don't allow him to tell you what to do - it may take arguments to get this sorted but if you don't address it now then things will get worse. He is taking liberties from the relationship and you need to stop it now before it gets worse.
A
female
reader, jstdunno  +, writes (19 August 2009):
What birdy said. You can't let him control you like this. He sounds VERY immature.
You need to let him know you're an adult and that you can stay out past 9pm just as he can. However , one night a week when both of you go out with your friends is enough. The rest of the time you need to spend together. If he can't do that maybe he shouldn't be married.
I too am a little worried that he might get abusive if you came home late. He needs to work out his issues a.s.a.p
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (19 August 2009):
 I think that you are being overly generous in your estimations of the reasons why your husband is doing this, far too generous. Going along to get along isn't going to work here, because he is rationalizing things that he shouldn't be doing, and talking you into thinking that he is right.
Your first problem is that neither of you should make a habit of going out to clubs with your single friends alone at night. That's what you do BEFORE you get married. You should be trying to hang out together at night or making friends with other couples. That's what married couples do.
And whining about his getting married too young as an excuse for doing this? Lying? Going to meet markets? Being jealous? Double standards? Being Hypercritical?
I'd check out this check list, because he sounds very immature, misogynistic, unrealistic and very controlling; so he might have the potential of being abusive.
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/assess.html
You need to sit him down with some other, successful married people - His parents? Your Parents? and explain that this is not proper behavior for a young husband. It's one thing to go out every once in a while, but carrying on and lying about has to eventually have an impact on how you truly feel about being married to him. Stop making excuses for him and deal with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): I really don't think the answer is that you are allowed to do the same and go out to clubs with your friends.
I think the answer is that he hasn't grown up yet. He is a married man, what is he doing going out with his mates to a club and staying out late? I think meeting work friends or mates for a beer after work is one thing, but if he closes the bar, that is another.
You don't need his permission to do anything. Just go out with some girlfriends for an afterwork drink, but be respectful and come home at a decent hour.
And then that will possibly open up a dialogue between the two of you about what is really important to you in this marriage, going to bars or being there for each other.
Have a zero tolerance for adversarial energy between the two of you. Decide to be there for eachother and to be on the smae team....take care of eachother.
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