A
female
age
51-59,
*atheriner
writes:Should I call it quits?I know everyones answer will prob be yes straight away but here goes. I met my now second Husband in a bar May 2008 we had a lot in common he was charming and made me laugh. we both had children of the same age 3 and 5 and he was in the process of splitting with his ex. After six weeks the relationship was going strong he went back to his old house where his ex was to pick up some things and ended up accused of assault. Towards the beginning of the trial he admitted he had slept with his ex and I was confused. I forgave him. I found him kissing someone in a nightclub four weeks later, he cried and I foregave him. I get pregnant four months later. His ex would not let him see his kids so he says he can have nothing to do with mine. My children are kind to him and he blanks them or due to his ocd says they need to learn to sh** straight in the toilet or that my little girl is fat and i will give her diabetes from her having sweets. He will not go anywhere with us if my children are there even with his baby with us, he says the guilt on not seeing his kids is too much but he will go out with the baby and I. He constantly lied to me during my pegnancy about going to his ex's house even though i said i understood he needed to see his kids. I found a letter to her from him saying he missed her and the kids. he said it was a ploy to see the kids. There were texts with kisses on and thirteen phone calls a day between them until she called a halt on it. He is now back in touch to try and see his kids, he wont go to court for custody as he says he is worried she will accuse him of abuse. I lost my job due to stress when pregnant, he said he would loan me money whilst unemployed. My children he insists he cannot mix with as he cant change his mindset until he sees his but as he wont go to court he is at his ex's beck and call and she will never let them see me. I need some staright talking advice, he says we need to take it day by day but we are together two years in may and i never go anywhere with my kids and have no hope in going on holiday, things i would love to do.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (10 May 2010):
We can't help if you aren't going to listen.
This man is a horrible user. He is going to continue to lie, use, cheat and steal from you. He will not change because why should he? You let him walk all over you like a doormat.
As soon as you kick him out and wise up, you will be happy. Until then, you are going to continue having these problems.
Good Luck!! xx
A
female
reader, katheriner +, writes (10 May 2010):
katheriner is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi I again wanted advice on my situation stupid as it may seem. I was trying to get my Husband to change in my last post. The arguments got worse as I stood up for my children and his inability to interact with them. I came home one day and he had rented a property he moved out his things I sold my House and started to rent a house with my children. He stays over all time never staying at his he says he loves me he is a bit better with my children will speak to them ask them things and as I have said my next holiday will be with the kids he wants to come. He has lied to his ex saying we have split up he says if she knows we are together she will not let him see their kids. I am left every sat with our little boy while he sees his kids at her house. She has rung him whilst I am in the room. He introduced me to his kids without her knowing and I thought he had asked her in the ensuing phone call he said yes I do have a seperate house from Katherine yes Katherine only was present meeting the kids as she is the babys Mother. This hurts me immensly he says he cant tell her or cant see the kids. He treats my house as his he pays no money towards me or his son asa he has the other property he says he cant afford to. I have to pay full house hold bills on my wage alone. He was claiming discount still for living with my kids on his child maintenance payments. His ex rung them and said he split up with me so the discount was removed. He then asked me to claim for maintenance so he could reduce his payments and implied he wanted me to give that money back to him. I said put it in my account for the baby he said that fine but if we go out from now on you will have to pay for the meals etc as I cant afford it.He says about moving back in with me but how does he suggest that when he has told her we split up and she wont let him see kids if knows sit is otherwise.To be honest I feel angry I think even if I am kept separate from his kids he should not be telling her we are seperate. He is willing to claim the discount for my children on child maintenance he pays to her as he is saying he pays for things for us he does nothing of the kind but not willing to tell her we are working on things but respects her wishes for me not to see the kids. I feel sometimes he is trying to win his way back to her and this is all easy for him. Then I doubt that and think he chooses to spend time with me not there. I have got to the point I dont understand whats going on even in my own head help x
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A
female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 Dear Friend,
I was sadden to read ur follow up letter. I relize the stress, hurt, and heart ache that comes with it.
Sometimes things do come to an end. What u do and where u go is up to u now.
If u read my letter again the suggestion I gave to u regarding counselling still applies, only this time instead of making it for the both of u, you make it for urself. Guidance is inportant, direction is needed to help.
It is not only therapeutic, but can/will help emotional disturbances. It will be the first step u can take to new start. In the long run it will also help u to get grounded.
Sometimes it is very difficult to leave things ends behind no matter what they may be, a friend, home, loved ones, ect. I say at times ending a marriage/relationship can be like a death also, you mourn. You as others need some type of closure a sense of an end to start a new beginning. This will inspire hope and will also give u strength, and most inportant of all u will have a support line.
Again friend I am saddened to read ur follow up, but it is what it is. Do not above all blame urself, or ur children. It will also be a time of depression, maybe even guilt, but again I can't stress to u enough what counselling can do. Take care and I wish only the best for u and ur family....
salvadda
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A
female
reader, katheriner +, writes (6 January 2010):
katheriner is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies I do value your opinions and i know what to do im ny heart of hearts. The situation will not change he went to his ex house to give on of his children a birthday present when he got there he said the children were not there. He asked her if he could come in and talk about the children. After over two hours up there he came back. As soon as he came in he said we are going to have to go to court to get the children she will not budge(after only stating the day before he will never go to court). I said what happened he talked for over an hour about all the other thigs they had talked about he asked her if she was happy in her relationship and she said she will let the kids decide when they are older. Yet he came home excited happy. My intuition tells me something different happened than his account and i am destined for a very difficult life if i stay with this man
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A
female
reader, salvadda +, writes (5 January 2010):
Dear Friend,
I read ur letter twice to be certain I understand. I was very sorry to read ur letter, mostly for the children. I do hope what I will suggest might help you. I also hope u take my opinion seriously as I do ur letter.
I do not judge you, and I will respect your situation.
We can not help or choose who we fall in love with, no more than children can choose who their parents are. This is something I want u think about very carefuly as I state my opinion regarding ur letter.
I believe u love this man, and I believe u do ur best to try to make things work. I can tell that u have been very patient with the situation. I can also tell that this has been very hard, frustrating, and very stressful on u also.
From what I read this has effected ur whole family *children* for don't be fooled they r just little ppl and can pick up on things that happen around them. Children don't even need to hear wordsor understand them, but can in fact by tones of voices, body language, and even movement can sense stress. This is just something I want u to be aware of.
Before I get to the heart of the matter I would like to inform of u of a few things. I know ur from the UK, the law might be different there. I am in Canada. As far as ur husband seeing his children from his first marriage there is nothing that can stop him unless he has abused his children. Which I have not heard u state in ur letter. I understand there was an accusation of assault but it was not followed up. This in itself is soemthing for u to think about. You only knowing one side puts u in a situation of only getting half the story, remember there is 2 sides to every story, sometimes even 3.....*explain* his side, her side and then the truth. Non the less. Enough said about this because I believe u know ur husband well enough to come to some sort of conclusion or idea. This is all I will say about this.
Her In Can. regardless wheather one pays support nor not they r wheather it be the father or mother allowed visitation rights. As long as no abuse has been declared on the children, heshe is not a subtance abuser ect. He can even have control/suppervised visits if the courts insist but he can see his children if he so desires. Like I said I am not aware of ur laws but I am sure u can find out. This is my opinion on the fact stated that he is disdress regarding the fact thath his ex-wife will not let him see his children.
Now on the fact that he doesn't want to take ur children along because it makes him feel guilty about his own I am asking to think it thro clearly. This is a man who is telling u that he can't give his effection to ur children because of his guilt. I will be honest with u with the ut-most respect to u and ur situatioin. So here goes. In my opinion those r words of a selfish person. Plz don't not take this as an attact on him or u, but step outside urself and ask uself or think of where he is coming from...
*his hurt* which is not ur children's fault and they have nothing to do with the situation. I will say no more regarding this be I believe u r intelligent enough to know what is going on. Which means I will not comment on his
infidelity. He speaks for himself. It doesn't take a rocket
scientist to know that he hurt u, and for this I feel for you.
I would like u to ask urself a few questions, which might be able to help u understand.
Do u believe he always tells u the truth?
Do u believe he is doing the best he can regarding ur relationship?
Do u believe he is treating ur children as fairly as he is treating his own children?
Do u believe this man is acting selfishly ?
Do u believe this man would stick by u if the roles were reversed?
Here is the most inportant question of all ........
Do u believe he really wants to mend things, make things right between u, ur children his children and himself?
Do u believe if there was a way he would?
Those r the 2 most inportant questions. If u think yes, or u would like to know.....there is away.
I relize how inportant answers r u to u at time like this. There is a way to help the find those answers if u so desire.
On ur own u can go and speak to a professional/even a dotor will help u find a counsellor. One who is trained in dealing with problems such as urs. You speak with him/her first get aquainted, feel comfortable and make ur up ur mind if u like this person. If not u move on to another one, till u find one that u feel comfortable with. Talk with that person and explain as u did in ur letter or better yet bring ur letter and read it to that person. The counsellor will help u get a true grip on things and what is going on. When this is achieved/accomplish you will be ready to speak with ur husband with a clear mind.
The hard part will come as I am and will sugest that u ask him after speaking with a professional if he is willing to come with u. The counsellor will be honest with both of you. He/She will help u to see things as they r, bring things out in the open in a safe atmosphere/controled where neither of u will be subject to abuse or accusations of negitive effect. If u really feel u want/need answers or u feel u want to save ur marriage it is worth pursuing.
I'm sorry I have have made my response rather long, but I do take ur letter seriously. I hope my sugestion/input has been of some help.
I wish u the ut-most luck.........
Take care
Salvadda
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 January 2010):
For the first time I'm almost speechless. This is possibly the worst post I have ever read. How could you possibly let an abusive man near your children? If you have children you can only go into a new relationship as a package. How can he then blank them out and say such nasty things about your children and you see a future with him? Its not too late to undo the damage that will become more apparent as your children become more aware of his attitude towards them. You need to get out. Obviously if you are unemployed you may not be able to just walk out like you are in a romance novel, but you can plan ofcourse first by sorting out how you can support yourself. When your children are this young you cannot choose a man over them. That would be negligent. After all he sleeps around on you, with his baby mama no less. Let him go. He is not good for you and your kids. I know it can be done, I was dependent on my ex and when I found the courage to leave him a whole new world has opened up to me. My new partner is fabulous, loves my 3 kids and cares for them more than their own father. If you choose to stay with this guy then I hope you survive this stress.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): I am sorry. That must be really hard. I really think that you need to get out now. He cheats on you. He is cruel to your children. To be honest, staying would be the equivalent of abusing your children. Your job as a mother is to protect your children and do what is best for them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): Well, you deserve better... You need to leave him until he comes to his senses or leaves you. It'll be tough on the third kid not to have his father around but it seems to be the best choice. Are you financially able to do this - take care of three kids and yourself? Set out a plan for yourself. Your choices so far don't seem very wise. A mother of two meets a man in a bar and within the year she's a mother of three, when he's still not officially divorced and had admitted to sleeping around. Most single parents are cautious about bringing people in their kids' lives.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 January 2010):
If you want to stay with a horrible, cheating and probably violent man then that is your choice. Good luck with that. Don't tell me, he's really sweet sometimes, and makes you feel special when he says he's sorry for whatever.
But your children have done NOTHING to deserve this. Why are you subjecting them to having this man insult them and make their lives miserable?
Chuck him out for the sake of your poor kids. Please.
Good Luck!! xx
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