A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 24 years old, and have been dating a 44 y.o man for a year and two months. We have been in a long distance relationship since we met, with a four hour distance between us but we still managed to see each other nearly every week due to our work schedules. He has two children, owns his own clinic, and lives in the usa while i live in canada. When i met him he was just starting his divorce, which didn't go to badly besides him having massive mood swings and trying to break up with me countless amounts of time out of the guilt of "putting me through this". I stood by him, I basically became codependant, but was madly in love with this gorgeous, affectionate, smart, successful doctor. A few months ago he told me he was going scuba diving in Mexico with a bunch of doctors to help his practice, I was in full support cuz i wanted him to have a trip all by himself and just take a load off! Days leading up to the trip that happened last week, he kept telling me that he was telling people he was going to jamaica because people were acting strange about mexico and asking pointless questions about safety that he didnt want to answer anymore. I asked what his staff girls were doing and he said he had been keeping his distance from them and didnt know. The only information i was told about the trip with it cost a few thousand, he was leaving at 4am on sat, and he would be back the following sat. I didn't think anything of it until after he left, then started feeling like their was something wrong with all this. I started snooping through his accounts since we know each others passwords, and i found on his staff girls facebook accountt that he took them to jamaica for the week. I know he wasn't cheating on me because he isnt the type and i know them...very unattaractive. when i questioned him upon his arrival home when he called he said it was true and that he tred to tell me 100 times, and was going to not go, he nearly missed the plane, he was going to drive to me to tell me when he got back, that he is so sorry, such an idiot, he got caught up, that its his weakness that led to this he should have been more in charge, and told the truth. that he was going to propose to me in febuary on valentines day. he said he tried to ask me to go but i was so apposed to going and that he had promised them to take them and then the doctor thing started falling through, and before he knew it that one little mistruth had turned into this giant web and asks if he has blown it with his own true love? we were so perfect together, fun and silly, loved all the same things, he helped me grow and get back into school, opened my mind aout new and different ideas... but he does have a problem with being all talk and no action and has disapointed me a few times. I know i would never do this to him, but if i did i hope he would forgive me and i think he would...but i don't know if i can trust him, how can i? what is truth and what isnt? I haven't talked to him in a few days saying i need time, he continues to txt me...but thats it, he hasn't DONE anything. Now i am so torn, i want to forgive him, i want him back, i love him so much, but will he do it again? should i just take a break? or break it off? im so confused between my heart and my head...
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 January 2011):
Hi. When you said you talked to him, who rang who? Did you ring him?
Yes, you would have definitely remembered being asked on a trip to Jamaica.
That's also not true about him telling you that the office girls were going, because you only found out after it all happened.
He doesn't know what he has told you, and what he hasn't, does he?
I don't know where his head is at, at the moment. He seems mixed up in some way.
Since that conversation, you must now let him call you next. Don't call him. No matter how long it takes. No matter how tempting it might be.
And please, please, please - don't check his computer for information. It could lead to even more problems.
Before all this, were you getting serious with each other?
In any case, the next time you have to go on a business trip as you said you do regularly (or you said something like that you see each other through your work), depending on how soon after now that is, perhaps you could get together with him for coffee or lunch - to catch up. You will of course first have to text him to try and organise it, don't just go up to his office. Announce yourself first.
Perhaps if you are able to see him then (that he is available), you could then see how he seems to you, and if you think he is the same as you knew him before the scuba diving incident - or not, then go from there.
You really can't have a serious talk about what's happening, until you see him face to face. Don't try to do it via text or email. It absolutely must be in person.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to him again and he said he tried to ask me to go in a round about way, but i didn't seem to thrilled about going with his staff girls, so he gave my ticket to one of his staff girls friends. He never asked me to go, i would rmember him asking me to go to a fully paid trip to jamaica for a week! He has only textd me a few times, I thought he would drive up, he would send flowers...but he hasn't done anything and i think has basically given up...its so sad to think that if people show you how much they love you, then where is the love that he keeps telling me about???
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 January 2011):
Hi there. He might have lied by omission, but it makes you wonder if he was really hiding something.
It's not exactly an unimportant detail, is it? The fact that he was taking the office girls with him and the other doctors.
But because you were not there yourself, it's very hard to prove what went on there. It's even quite likely that absolutely nothing suspicious went on at all - that it was business for the office girls, and nothing more.
Because the trip was to help the business in some way, even though it was scuba diving, it was perhaps an exercise in team work and building team spirit. Businesses sometimes do this to help people come up with ideas while thinking on their feet. A creative thing. It is often carried out as an adventure, but they each have to help each other and it's an exercise also, in problem solving. It's a very positive thing indeed. It probably wouldn't be cheap either, I'm sure.
It's good you are giving him some space, because that shows him you are upset by this omission of relevant information.
Continue to ignore his text messages to you, to emphasise the importance of the issue. You don't want to take it lightly - no-one in their right mind would - it's too important, because it does affect your trust in him. And trust is really what we are talking about here.
Once any trust is lost in a relationship, it takes a lot of effort by the person in question, to prove they can be trusted again. It could take a few months - all because he left out that vital piece of information! It will make him have second thoughts in future, about doing that sort of thing again.
While you are giving him this space, it is giving him time to think about his past actions, and to realize how he could have handled things better.
Usually if something has happened, there would be a change in his general behaviour. As you haven't seen him since that trip, you don't really know if anything has changed.
From what you have said, all he is doing is explaining it all away trying to get out of the hole he has dug for himself. Can you see that? He is in a big, deep, dark hole. In fact, the more he says now, he seems to be digging deeper! He's losing sight of light, he's down so deep. The more he says, the worse it gets. He's better off to just say nothing, really.
Take what he said about the St. Valentine's day marriage proposal with a grain of salt - for now. If this hadn't happened (the office girls going on the trip), plus you hadn't found out about it, maybe the proposal would have happened, maybe not. It's impossible to know that.
It's even possible that he said that to appease you, and so that you wouldn't think too much about the incident.
I also think that snooping into people's computers for information is something that can only lead to problems, because there are items there that you probably wished you never saw. But anyway, too late now.
If I were you, I wouldn't be doing that in future. It will only make you worried about lots of things. It's not worth the heartache - just don't be tempted.
It's also easy to see things there on the computer, and misinterpret them. A misunderstanding of what you see there, would be worse than not knowing at all.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
In any case, keep giving him space by not answering his texts or facebook messages (if there are any), and wait until he decides he can't wait any longer, and just calls you on the telephone to actually speak to you.
Even if that time is a couple of weeks, or a month or two, it's important that you wait for that to happen. So you will have to be very patient - no matter how tempting it might be to call him. Waiting is the best thing you could possibly do right now.
Silence is golden. It speaks volumes.
When that does happen, (he does call you), just be friendly, kind and respectful towards him. Don't say another thing about the office girls incident, just keep it out of your mind entirely.
Also, when he calls you eventually, don't ask him - "When am I going to see you again?" - Say nothing at all. Let all suggestion of that type of thing, come from him - if at all. If he says nothing, don't you either.
Then at the end of the conversation - or when you run out of things to say to him, simply say - "I have to be going now, I have to go somewhere (give no details)" - then end your call. Even though he called you, it's ok for you to end it to prevent any further waffling by him - like if he tries to make excuses about the scuba diving trip episode, for instance. That way, you end the conversation on a good note.
It's then up to him, as to what action he decides to take next.
Of course for any action to take place, it's going to mean another phone call to you in the near future. So it's a time of wait and see, for you. Do Not try to call or text him. It really empowers you, by keeping your silence.
He has some ground to make up for now. He has to get to a place where you trust him again - completely. He does know that will take time.
In the meantime, just have some consideration about what are your true feelings for him (before all this happened), and compare how you felt before the trip, and how you feel now. Is your love for him still as deep? Be completely honest with yourself when do this.
The only real problem you have now, is that you feel reluctant to hold any trust in him because of this incident.
Down the track from now, once you do decide to see him (only after HE has called you), then when you are together, just quietly observe his actions and his moods, and see if he seems like the same man you knew before the trip, or, if in some way he seems a bit guarded in what he says. By guarded, I mean if you asked him a certain question (not prying, just a general question), and he says so much, then stops - but you know there is more to it, than what he actually does say. You know the type of thing I mean. If that was to happen, observe it only, but say nothing. Don't press him to say more - just leave it alone.
If some guardedness does happen, you will recognise it. It seems fairly obvious when you see it. Little tiny things and changes in his behaviour. Perhaps some secretiveness, hiding his mobile phone, changing his password on his computer system - he might do that anyway.
By the way, did you tell him how you found out about the girls going on the trip? Or, did you simply say that you just heard someone talking about it (anything at all).
If you did say the truth, well then there might be some trust issues by him towards you also. Not exactly the same thing perhaps, but more a breach of privacy.
If you didn't say how you found out and he asks you (he might ask this, he might not), just make up something - to cover yourself. You don't want to cause any more problems between you.
In time, it is possible to build trust in him again. Just as long as he is not being secretive, is being honest about where he says he is going (and with whom), then you will gradually start to gain that trust back, bit by bit.
It will then be a case of trusting him completely, unless he gives you any reason not to.
Trust is so very important in any relationship, and without it there can be no future as a couple.
You do need to try to get back to that place again, but it's not an overnight thing. The really difficult and challenging part of all this, is the fact you are many hours apart from each other, so you cannot gauge what is happening on a day to day basis anyway. You have to instead, take his word for what he does.
Once you are back in contact again, even while not seeing each other, but talking via texts or phone calls, it is still possible to get a pretty good idea of things - just from how he tells you things. If he is lying about some things, he will sometimes inadvertently contradict himself. He won't pick it up, but you will. If that does happen, don't say anything, just keep a mental note of it for the future.
It will help you build a mental picture of him and might influence a decision by you - either way.
Don't give up on him just yet. Just give him time to get back to you again and see how things pan out over time. And stay very aware of everything he says and does.
Follow what your heart is telling you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I'm afraid I don't really know what to advise you.
He was certainly evasive about his plans for the trip and on those grounds you have good reason to doubt how trustworthy he is.
On the other hand, he now has legitimate reason to question how trustworthy YOU are seeing as how you snooped through his accounts.
Sounds as though you both have issues around being open and honest. Maybe you both need to sit down and have a serious discussion about this BEFORE you even think about wanting him back or forgiving him and see what happens. Its possible this will bring your friendship to an end.
If so, I'm sorry, but at least you can learn from it.
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