A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What am I supposed to do when my boyfriend (been together for 3 years, lived together 2 years) tells me that:- in order to be fun a relationsip must be commitment-free- he's not sure he's gonna love me forever because he might not like me in the future-we're not building a future together, what we have is the present- he doesn't want kids because they're a hassle- we'll be together as long as we're happy then we'll just go our own way- he doesn't get people who get married: there's no pointI know he cares about me, but I don't thing a guy who's in love should even think such things, right?I'd lve to get married and have kids in a few years. I love him and hate him and love him and hate him again, I feel psycologically threatened by his beliefs. I know I should leave him, but I'm soooooo scared of being on my own.What am I supposed to do? I cry everyday and it really really sucks. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I pretty much am your boyfriend and have said similar things. Pretty much everything said above by others can be true. He may love you very much but is keeping his options open (or at least feeling like he is) even though he may value you and know that he's with a great person. At the same time , you want what you want and if they are not the same things and you are anxious to get to that place or feel like you want to be working towards it, I would move on. My ex-did, and honestly i feel pretty bad that I "kept her" in the relationship for 4 years and the whole thing hurt her bad. I was always sincerely trying to want those things and it was a "maybe someday" kind of thing, but like your boyfriend, it just wasn't going that way in my head because I can't commit I guess. It is true what someone said above also-you need to be comfortable with yourself on your own though also-because if you re not, it will keep you in bad relationships of all types. Good luck to you..I know it must be very difficult...-caleb
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Thank you all so much!! You all seem very sensisitive and nice and caring. I haven't made up my mind yet, but it's good to get some perspective here! Thank you again!!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (26 August 2009):
 I don't agree that a good relationship must be commitment-free. I think that committing to someone else is one of the most loving things I can do. Even if it doesn't last, for as long as we are together I am demonstrating my love and affection not just to the other person but to the world, and I am proud and happy to do so.
I don't think you and your boyfriend are a good long term match. As long as you want children and commitment and he doesn't, it will be a bone of contention between you two. In addition, relationships are not always fun, and I personally think someone who only wants to be in a relationship when it's fun is not someone I can depend on when the going gets tough. Would it be fun if you were in an accident, lost your job, or developed a horrible disease? Would he support you through the hard times, or would he consider it too much of a hassle?
If you are crying every day, and your long term goals do not match up, I think that it is time for you to move on. Yes, you will be lonely for a while, but think about whether you would stay with him knowing you will never have the children you dream about, or take a chance on living your life and achieving what makes you happy? In the end it is your life and you are in charge of it.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): That is outstandingly brilliant advice below from GinsengMeow!
I know you would like to have a clear plan of your future together but don't wish your life away, all of these things will come in good time. He may be feeling this way now but who is to say that he won't change his mind.
I am concerned about the "crying everyday". If this is upsetting you that much then it is not healthy for you and you need to walk away and hopefully find a man who agrees with your ideas of the future, (that may be hard to find!)
or try to relax and not put such a perfectly made plan infront of you. we cannot plan anything in this life, anything can happen and God knows where we will be tomorrow.
I think you should enjoy the here and now and enjoy the time you have together and what will be will be.
Best of luck, hope it helps! x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): He is being realistic. He may not be very tactful, but what he is saying is what many people believe, but won't verbalize.
He could very well be 'working' towards a good future with you, through thorns and cotton candy. He could very well be opened to many experiences, bad and good and everything in between. He may continue to develop a further connection with you. What he was saying is basically that the future is vague. People try to work towards a great relationship, but many of those same relationships can end in misery while others flourish.
Think: why do two (and in some cases, more) people come together in a partnership? So they can both achieve a mutual connection that will benefit each other. While that connection is initiated and maintained, love will develop. While love is pursued, two people will find happiness. If you two aren't happy, then the only other reason why you two would maintain your relationship is if there is something else you need to continue - eg: for your children, for your status, for your assets, etc.
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Ultimately, if you cannot accept such a blunt and direct approach to the truthfulness and reality of how relationships work, then you may find more comfort with someone who won't verbalize realism and rather and simply, go with the flow. I believe from the way you've worded your inquiry, your boyfriend IS going with the flow, but he is at the same time, being to-the-point, clear, straightforward, blunt and direct.
Even I believe in such things, in their varying layers and levels, but I would be much more tactful about it. As you have demonstrated, not everyone can accept reality if it was presented to their face.
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Know that even married couples part way, without ever verbalizing such ideals. Know that every moment of every day, boyfriends and girlfriends, lovers and the like go their separate ways, never verbalizing such ideals. All your boyfriend had done was verbalize the unsaid commonality.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (25 August 2009):
 Leave him. You deserve better. You know what I like about doing certain things that I am afraid of? Sometimes I feel better or great after doing those things, because I was really able to do it. I proved to myself that I could do it.
You can do anything that you set your mind to, and you are stronger than you think you are. I know most of this sounds so cliche, but really think about what I have said. There are plenty of men out there looking for a committed woman. Spend some time on you, and making yourself happy after you let him go.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 August 2009):
 First of all, don't be afraid of being on your own. Everyone needs to feel comfortable on his or her own. That is a condition for happiness and balanced living.
In a way, he's very direct. He already said he will stay with you for as long as he is OK with it. Now, in all truth, that is true of any relationship. The problem is, he doesn't give you any certainty that he won't go away on a whim, and that is the problem.
On the other hand, you're not getting what you want from the relationship. And chances are you never will. Think about it.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (25 August 2009):
Why are you so attached to him? It is normal to feel scared of being on your own after being in a "relationship" for five years. Things have changed over the years and so have you. Are you willing to settle for what he is offering - do you want more out of life. If so, start planning your departure. Find a place of your own, set some life goals for yourself and move on. When the pain exceeds the gain you will make the break. Good luck.
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