A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Slight problem, but this ones getting to me. I am at college at the moment, and i'm doing some GCSE retakes because I decided it would be better than going straight on to A-levels. My GCSE class is okay, I seem to get on with everyone in one way or another even if deep down I am not very fond of them. However I have really bad self esteem issues, they literally consume my life sometimes, I am a tad overweight but not majorally, and i'm just convinced I am really really ugly, even if others say i'm not. I'm convinced that no one will ever love me, that people find me repulsive, and no boy in the world could find me attractive, i've had boyfriends before but they just used me for sex and through me away. So I have some deep seated issues with looks, relationships, and all of that, i've had therapy and am trying to be confident and proud of myself, but its probably never going to go away. Anyway today I was off, and this kid said he was convinced I was a lesbian, and due to the issues I have it really got to me, I don't really like him but he knows i'm not a lesbian so he probably said that I look like one. How should I handle this? Do I confront him? Embarrass him infront of everyone? Or just ignore it but no longer acknowledge him? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 OP, his comment, though unimaginative, was probably not intended to injure you. If you have such a poor self image then you probably haven't expressed romantic interest in men. And why would you if you assume they won't be interested in you? Your classmate simply picked up on that but attributed the cause to homosexuality instead of low self esteem.
He is probably the type for whom a low self esteem would not be an obstacle to pursuing women so he cannot understand why it would be for you (with men). And your outspoken support for the gay community probably reinforced his theory.
I base this possibility on a similar experience I had when I was about your age. My self image was so poor I assumed that any guy I had a crush on would be mortified and mercilessly teased by his friends. Back then people just thought I was unemotional and aloof, as homosexuality did not have anywhere near the acceptance it does today. Had that happened now, people might have mistakenly assumed I was gay too.
So, like I said, his comment was predictable and unimaginative, but probably without malice.
Food for thought. From where I sit, OP, you have much in common with those you condemn. Instead of telling your school mate what you honestly think of his comment and giving him a chance to clarify, you're here making the worst assumptions of him and condemning him to us behind his back. Re-read the last paragraph of your original post. In it you ask us which punishment you should dole out to him but not how to clear the air in a positive and effective manner.
You go out of your way to be nice to people, but 'nice' does not mean 'good'. It means appearing to be good so that folks will like you. Instead of being honest about yourself and who you really are knowing that some will like you and some not, you present a false picture of yourself in hopes that everyone will like you.
Your therapist, assuming they were a good one, would have told you that one does not acquire self esteem/respect by chanting 'I love myself' in the mirror every day. You have to get out there and earn it by being the best person you can be. It sounds like you've made some progress but clearly have work to do. Learning to be more honest about yourself and accepting that some people won't like you would do wonders.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 Ignore him, that would be my advice. Why stoop to his level? He KNEW what might hurt your feelings for whatever reason, so again, WHY let him see it hurt you?
I have been called lesbian before, don't phase me at all, because I have no doubts about my sexuality nor do I really care what some Joe Shmoe thinks. And honestly, if some dumbass thinks I was a lesbian, because I played co-ed rugby, was a tomboy, had mainly male friends and never wore dresses, then that just shows HOW narrow-minded and IGNORANT HE is. Besides I have a lesbian friend and she is pretty awesome, so it wasn't really an insult.
Like CaringGuy said - you WILL met a lot of idiots throughout life - RISE above them all.
REMEMBER this... YOU CAN NOT FIX STUPID!
If you are unhappy about yourself, WORK on yourself. Find things you are GOOD at and focus on those, then add some you are NOT so good at and WORK on those. If you are a little unhappy with your size/shape/fitness level then DO something about it. Like work out, got for daily walks if you don't like the gym, find a hiking group and go hiking or canoeing/kayaking which ever you WANT to try. DO things that makes you happy, try and volunteer (local animal shelter for instance - it's pretty rewarding).
And like iAmHereToHelpYou how about trying to talk to a counselor? Get some tools to help you BUILD your self esteem.
Life is what YOU make it. So make it good!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 February 2014):
 Curious.
You go on about how far and ugly and unattractive you feel, then immediately after you mention taking offence at being called a possible lesbian.
Is it a coincidence ? Or the lesbian mention offends you because you identify lesbian with gross , ugly, badly dressed ugly and not looking as a female should ?...
You stood up for gay rights, apparently, all but that of lesbians to be seen through your physical eyes as they are in real life, - some of them elegant, feminine, attractive, sexy, beautiful- some instead a little less or not so much , as ANY kind of women regardless of their sexual orienttaion- and not to be seen through the eyes of your mind, which perceives them as necessarily unappealing and unattractive .
It's not always about looks, it's not all always about YOUR looks. I wasn't there so of course I cannot know, but there are chances that the guy was just teasing to get a raise out of you ( mission accomplished ) or he referred to your behaviour , not looks. Maybe he neves sees you with boys, you never talk about crushes or dates, you never said Wow our classmate X or Y is really hot. Maybe you never flirt, maybe you are kind but quiet,reserved and motherly, or maybe you are a real tomboy and could beat the crap out of your male friends. Chances are that all he was meaning was that he is not getting a " girlie " vibe out of you, or that you stand out among the other female classmates for whatever reason- which may be a compliment or an insult, a good thing or a bad thing- according to YOIUR opinion about your peers. Maybe he was actually flirting with you in his clumsy way :).
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian! Its just how he implied about my sexuality like it was a bad thing, which kinda annoyed me, because i've done a lot of things in the past standing up for gay rights. Its just, I guess now thinking about it more, its not the fact that he called me a lesbian which bothers me. Its the fact that in lessons I always help him, lend him pens and paper, infact most lessons I help everyone, because they don't know too much about one of the subjects and I really enjoy it, so I help those who need it. However its now ovbious when i'm not there he doesn't think as much of me as when he does when i'm there, so I guess it wasn't the comment that hurt, it was more of how i've helped him and when i'm not there he ovbiously likes to slag me off. Its happened to me so many times in the past, i'm a nice person, I go out of my way to help others, for nothing in return, and the same thing always happens, they pretend to be all nicey nicey and then when i'm not around they decide to let there true opinions out and then I feel like a tit and see myself as worthless and unlovable. Its a vicious cycle. I no longer have therapy, my sessions were cancelled about a month back due to them feeling there wasn't much more they could do, and I am happy with that descion and my self esteem is something I must fight on my own. I know I have good things about myself, i'm funny, i'm intelligent, I am kind, or atleast I try to be, but when we live in a world where everything is based on looks, it seems as all them things become irrelevant when someone looks down on you because you don't want to dress up for college, or you do things differently to others. Its hard, its really hard, and I guess what makes it harder is the fact I have to sit in a room with a bunch of people everyday who don't want to be there, who don't care and frankly just want to gossip and talk about others. I sometimes think life would be better when I go to university, i'd meet people who were like me maybe. I guess I will have to work on the self esteem, there are a few things i'd like to change, i'd like to lose some weight, but I just need to find the time to do it. Losing weight would help so much. Thank you all for your kind advice and comments. P.S I decided to go into college wearing a shirt which says in big letters "Nobody knows i'm a lesbian" just to try and see the funny side, and shut that guy up, lets hope it works.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 February 2014):
 Well, as a lesbian myself, who happens to find herself to be quite a catch and relatively attractive, I'd say it was quite a compliment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2014): Agree with the other posters that you need to see you therapist still, you need to want to ake things better also.
You need more self confidence, you are not ugly, stop saying you are, nooone is ugly, we all have beauty, ALL of us. This swlf hate will get you nowhere, stop it.
This self talk, does you no good in terms of building your self esteem. This guy was a jerk, nasty & immature and after a reaction from you, don't give him or anyone the power of seeing you upset!!
Walk away or ignore him or say something like "you wish" "sorry, not" keep it brief, or better still ignore his stupid comments, revenge will only make him hate you and make you look bitter.
There will always be people in life, everywhere that don't like us, we need to accept this and shrug it off, we cant all get along and everyone is attracted to different things in people, one mans/womans like is another mans/womans dislike. You will find a genuine guy, but you have to have some more self esteem first.
I learned a long time ago, that a person needs to like themself, before others will, this doesn't mean having a big ego,or being narcissistic, it means believing in yrself and knowing you are as good as anyone.
You will find many people that do like you and think you are great and pretty. Don't let guys use you for sex, you are worth more than that. Join a hobby or other type of groups, say hi to someone in a class, and start talking, maybe about the class to start with.
Meet some new people, smile and believe in yrself. if you think you are worthless you will appear negative/sad to others, people pick up on these vibes, (trust me on that one) often unconsciously, and they may stay away. Smile and be positive.
Please keep talking to your therapist, its good to talk.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2014): You've got to get through college. You're going to hear a lot of stupid comments day in and day out. Sometimes it's not really an insult. It's mean-spirited childish play.
You've got to look in a mirror for the rest of your life, and everyone doesn't know you suffer from psychological or emotional disorders.
So you're going to get the same treatment as hundreds of other students. You go to therapy for a reason. So it takes some effort on your part to push on.
You must do more than show up for therapy sessions. You must put what you're getting from those sessions into practice. Sometimes people get dependent on sessions just as a place to get sympathy. You're being taught how to cope and to live with your disorder. Don't play it off like it's just a bunch of poo. It only works if you use it.
You also have to understand that nobody is going to walk on eggshells around you. Boys who like you, or dislike you; are going to do and say things to get your attention. You aren't ugly to everybody, just to yourself. You're convinced you're horrid; but other people see differently.
Maybe no one can convince you you're not ugly, you can't convince everyone else that you are. They'll get your attention, one way or another.
They don't like the fact you isolate yourself; they don't like being snubbed. Sometimes avoiding people gets the opposite effect. They notice you.
Some guys are going to try and get your attention; even if they have to piss you off. Some know you do have a disorder.
They will be cruel and play on your feelings; because they want to see what kind of reaction they'll get. That's your challenge. To learn how to cope and deal with it.
So, teach yourself to pretend they're only joking and shrug them off. It takes the wind out of their sails. It steals their power, and makes it yours.
Roll your eyes or fan them away; and keep walking. Don't confront them; because you're not able to to deal with the banter that will comeback in your face.
You're in the middle of humanity; so you have to take a few barbs, and train your head not to spin when people try to get to you.
Again, therapy has a purpose. It is to help you to be able to live with other people, go to college, and eventually get a job. There will always be other people. They will always say and do hurtful things. Trust yourself, you can handle it. It takes practice and effort. It's going to be hard. The harder you try, the easier it gets.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 February 2014):
 This kid's comment should be secondary to the real issue here:
If you have such extreme self-esteem, confidence, body issues, and image problems, that is what you need to deal with.
If you do not deal with it, then everything everyone says is going to get to you and hit nerves, because you have 10,055 nerves.
The same thing happened to me in college! I've always been a tomboy, so my favorite class was ROTC. That class involved a few muddy PT exercises, so a guy I knew in class joked about the "closet dyke" I was trying to be. I laughed and responded "Sorry to crash your illicit fantasy, but it's just mud"
You can either keep indulging your anxieties, or see someone professional and face that big thing in your life. If you do and overcome it, then you won't be as sensitive as all this.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 February 2014):
I would ignore him, and instead focus on building your confidence up. Whilst the comment was insensitive, I think you would benefit more from just continuing to focus on yourself. You're not repulsive, and you can be sure that you'll meet someone who loves you. You just need to build your confidence up. Once you've done that, you'll feel a lot better for it.
As for this guy, unfortunately in life you'll meet idiots. Rise above them. Life is much easier that way. Though, if it continues, don't be afraid to make a complaint.
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