A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was talking to a male colleague about keeping in touch when he leaves for vacation. I joking said, "you're not going to blow me off if I try to reach out to you over the next few weeks?" and he became really uptight and offended. He just ended the conversation. I guess I used the wrong verbiage. I didn't mean any harm at all. Im just not used to people being this uptight. I also meant this in a platonic way. He has been avoiding me. Was he turned off because im black? am I perceived as desperate due to my race? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2015): What it comes down to is this. He was on vacation, and did not want to hear from you. Add any reason to that you wish.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (12 April 2015):
If it were me and a colleague of mine asked for my contact details before I left to go on holiday, then made a comment like that, I'd think it was way too forward and demanding and I'd be a bit freaked out. It might have been a joke to you, but to me it sounds like one of those 'jokes' that is actually a bit of a warning. As in 'you better act the way I want you to or I'll be mad and cause drama for you'.
He is probably looking forward to his holiday and doesn't want to have to deal with your expectations when he's trying to relax and unwind. You may not have meant it that way, but that's how it sounds to me so maybe he's the same? I also think you are being very unfair in suggesting it's a racial issue as there is no evidence for that. He may keep in touch with others outside of work because he likes them better. I know that's not nice to hear, but it's life I'm afraid. The fact is, this guy doesn't owe you anything and I think it's your expectations that have scared him off.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2015):
 Is he single?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 The race card is a tad old already. Maybe this thread should be closed. I don't see anything more to be gained from this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, plenty of my colleagues keep in touch outside of work. However I feel like because i'm a darkskin black woman he was turned off and did not want to get caught associating with me outside of work
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2015):
I don't think this is a race thing either.
I just don't think this guy "got" that you were joking. Maybe he didn't see any reason why you SHOULD be calling him at all while on vacation.
Could be the guy has a GF/Fiance/Wife and felt MORTIFIED to think YOU may believe he has led you on, or made you think he is interested. Again NOT because you are black, but because you are a woman. SO his choice of action? TO avoid you, because it's "easier" then telling you... Lady, I'm not interested.
Humor isn't racial. Not everyone have a sense of humor, some have a dry or sarcastic, other are into slapstick and crudeness.. Again, not a racial thing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I was joking about him ignoring me but I thought it would be fine to reach out to him. I'm not pretty or white enough and clearly he thinks he is out of my league
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA lot of our colleagues do keep in touch with each other outside of work. Unfortunately, I feel like if I were a white girl he would not have blocked my number. I had no intentions on stalking him and I am very humiliated and hurt by this
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 I find it odd that you would call him when he's on vacation. Why would you do that? You told us that you said you'd contact him as a JOKE, but then you went ahead and did it? Then it's not a joke, is it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Well, now who's the defensive one? Why would you want to call him, unless it has anything to do with work?
Maybe it wasn't simply platonic, but asking permission to call him for personal reasons. You put him on the spot, and he may have anticipated a bad response to a flat out "no thank you!"
You're making it all a racial-issue. He blocked his phone; because he just may not be interested in anything but a professional connection with you. Race aside, he's not into you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe it's a cultural thing. I've said this to African Americans (men and women) and they understand that I'm just joking or being playful.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 I don't see how your black race could have anything to do with this. Of nothing else because, yes there are stereotypes referred to black people, and sadly many of these stereotypes are derogatory and negative... but I have never heard anything about a " desperate black " stereotype : If any, the stereotype is just the opposite : that ALL black women are strong, independent, confident, cocky, " talk to my hand " types ...
I think that you may be overthinking this. Maybe he 's just the type of person who, when he's in vacation ,really likes to pull the plug and not to be in touch with any coworkers, and he did not like the idea of you calling him. Or maybe, as you mention, he did not appreciate the choice of words, because " blowing somebody off " has a slightly worse connotation than just " ignoring ", it sort of implies being intentionally rude, and he did not like to be judged as such . Or maybe, you thought you were playful but he perceived it as flirty and he does not want to flirt . Finally...maybe he was just in a bad mood that day. There could be 100 reasons linked to his reaction, none of which referring to your race... and none that you have to take too personally either, or worry about. I would let this go ; then again , if this really bothers you, you can simply tell him : " I have got the feeling that my JOKE about keeping in touch has annoyed you, would you tell me why ? "
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter I made the comment, he did say it was fine for me to contact him before acting uptight and walking away. however, when I called him he had my phone number blocked. So, I will not be approaching him at all in the future or else he'll think I'm stalking him
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 April 2015):
What do you mean by "my race"?
Anyway, often when these things happen, we assume the wrong thing. Maybe he got uptight about something else other than the reason you believe. You don't know why he got upset, or even if he did get upset. Maybe you said something else that made him react, or maybe he's always been like this and is has nothing to do with you at all.
The way to handle it is easy. Be diplomatic, avoid all drama. Write him off as a friend, he's clearly not someone who takes your jokes well, and clearly not one to be diplomatic either as he just stormed off with no explanation. So no need to hold on to him, other than be civil. If I were you, I'd approach him next time you see him IN PERSON (absolutely do not send him any texts or e-mails). If that's a week from now or a month from now, doesn't matter, but ONLY approach him in person. Then tell him you felt you ended things on a bad note, and that you apologize if what you said was wrong, and finally tell him that you hope his vacation was good and that you and him can put this behind you. Smile. Problem solved. Then just don't bother talking to him or joking with him again, although be civil and a good colleague.
By doing this he will have nothing to gossip about, he'll not have anything negative to say about you, and he'll probably feel embarrassed and ashamed that he thought so highly of himself that he thought you might be coming on to him.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 April 2015):
YOU don't think you came on strong but HE might have. We don't know you, we don't know him, we don't get to see how either of you interact with each other or with other people. All we can do is GUESS.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Let's study the comment and consider the message beneath it.
"you're not going to blow me off if I try to reach out to you over the next few weeks?""
You implied that he is the "typical" insensitive-male who would rudely cold-shoulder a female for just a simple-gesture of communication. It's not the words, nor your race. It's the sexist undertone of the comment that offended him. You may be a little too forward for his taste.
He has the right to set his own personal-boundaries. That is not strictly a privilege practiced by females.
Why would you assume your race had anything to do with it? I know some females might attack the guy for his reaction. Well, men do get offended and we hear a lot of snarky sexist male-bashing commentary from females that are passive-aggressively veiled behind a smile or a joke.
Women aren't the only folks victim to sexism and unwanted flirtations.
You meant no harm. However; it wasn't necessary to presume he would take your contact in a bad way, or he would respond in a rude way. Even worse, to assume he was racist for being offended by hiding a mild warning not to diss you if you tried to reach out to him. Letting him know you'd take offense if he wasn't happy to hear from you.
Play-it cool regardless. Keep it professional. He'll get over himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really don't think I came on strong at all. I thought it was a innocent and playful remark.
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female
reader, Fari +, writes (12 April 2015):
 Dont feel sorry. You did nothing wrong. He seems like a very uptight person indeed. However, as you said he was avoiding you before, I think mentioning that in a "platonic" way only lets him know that you know but I hope that it isnt racism on his part. If it is then I wouldnt want to get close to a person like that.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 April 2015):
I don't think race played a role here either.
He could have, understandably, thought you were romantically interested and coming on strong or he was insulted by the implication that he's a rude person who often blows people off.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (12 April 2015):
 I think it would help to know what profession you are in because some, like attorneys and doctors, are way too uptight about how they are referenced and type of lingo used on them. I am in a mixed race work environment and there are colleagues, black and white, who insist on being called Dr So-and-so so verbiage like yours that's casual would insult them. Also, from experience, if your work environment is mixed race, people who work in it are highly likely acceptable of different races otherwise they wouldn't hang out there for too long. Finally, it is unclear within what context was your statement made so to pinpoint why he suddenly flipped.
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female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 April 2015):
No i dont think this had anything to do with your race at all.Rather that he has a up-tight not very nice manner.If someone takes offence at the least comment it would be very difficult to have either a friend/boyfriend with a personaility like that.Kind wishes NORA.B.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Why don't you just ask him?Go up to him and say I hope you were not offended by my comment. See what he says. If he was, you have an opportunity to make it right. If he wasn't, you can carry on as friends/colleagues.Just don't assume or jump to conclusions because you don't know what he is thinking.Until you ask.I would clear the air. Just say you are sorry if you offended him, that you did not mean to. You were just joking. He will probably say "Don't worry about it. I wasn't offended." Remember, his "avoiding you" could be because he has other stuff on his mind and it could be due to other reasons that have nothing to do with you.If after you ask him about it, he continues to brush you off, then leave him alone. He will come talk to you when he is over it. Never be pushy.As for your colour/race, don't you think you might be overthinking it a little?
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