A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone.....I have known my boyfriend for almost two years and we've been dating for seven months. I love him and I know he loves me too. We've decided to get married next year. Here is a little background. We both have degrees from the university and we both have full time Jobs in the same field. Our salaries are the same. We each make about $1500 a month.The problem I am having with my boyfriend is that he is always broke. At first he used to take me out on dates and he would pay. But now we don't go out anymore we just sit at home and watch tv. When I say we should go out I have to pay the bill. And sometimes he even asks me if I have made any plans for us to go out because he knows I will have to foot the bill.He got a big loan two years ago. He used the money to buy a car. I don't know what he used the other money for. So every month he pays part of the loan. That is $500 from his monthly salary. And he is at the university studying medicine. He has found a way to do it while keeping his full time job. He has three more years to finish. When he finishes studying and starts workings as a doctor he will be getting almost three times what I am making now. I am also planning to do a masters degree next year.The problem is that he has trouble even paying his tution fees, he can't afford his own apartment so he shares with a friend. He can't even afford the smallest of things like having his hair cut. He has to wait for his monthly salary to do that. I don't think he has any savings. He live from paycheck to paycheck . Sometimes I feel like asking him how much he gets after the deductions for the loan. But I am waiting for the right moment for us to have that conversation. And I think he has other small loans too. I don't know what they were for. Sometimes I feel like I should be the one managing his money. Because I think right now tution fees should be his priority. It's okay if he doesn't take me out on a date as long as he is paying his bills. My fear right now is that after paying for all his loans, he remains with peanuts every month and scares me a lot.I know he is caring. I see the the way he treats his family. I think he pays for his siblings tution fees. And he gave away the only car he had to his parents.I on the other hand I have my own apartment, I have no problem with rent. I take care of myself. And i have no loans. And I have a decent amount of money in savings.I don't want him to take care of me. I want him to take of himself and show me that he can manage to take care of our family when we get married. I don't want to be the one taking care of everything. The future I forsee is scaring me. I may end up being the one sponsoring him through medical school while taking care of our children and his family.And he says he doesn't want a wedding because they are just too expensive. But I want one. But that will mean I will have to pay for the wedding.We have about six months before we announce our engagement. I want to use this time to reflect upon this and decide if I am ready to take up all this responsibility. I need to know what other think of my situation.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I would not be considering marrying a man who does not manage money well.
if he takes home 1500 a month and he has a 500 dollar a month car payment then 1/3 of his take home is a car payment that's a bit high...
I agree that you should let him get through school and get more stable financially before considering marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I agree with Janniepeg. A man helping his family is NOT always the innocent gesture it seems. It can mean he has not yet grown up properly and it is a strong indicator that he puts them before his future wife and children.WiseOwlE there is often a hint of sexism towards women in your posts. Woman are NOT always the self-centred creatures that you say the OP is. She just wants to be sure of what she may be entering into and I don't blame her at all. Just because the guy wants to be a doctor doesn't guarantee he's some selfless person with no personality flaws - right now he comes across as a bit of a gambler (in the sense that he's taking big financial risks that don't seem to amount to anything except debt and giving stuff to parents) and who hasn't cut the proverbial apron strings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I wouldn't do anything yet. Wait until he has qualified as a doctor. Then you said he will have more money. See how he manages his finances then. Can you wait to get engaged, get married and have children until he qualifies? It sounds as if you don't have the resources or the time anyway, if you want to do a masters next year. Concentrate on getting both your qualifications and your house in order and then see. By then, you both may have changed or find that you're just not compatible. Then there is no need for divorce, child maintenance, custody etc etc. I'm not trying to imply that I think that's what will happen, just trying to say'What's the rush?' If it's not right at the mo, then leave it for now and you can use the interim time to find out more about each other.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 Money is the basis for most disputes in a relationship. A clear definition needs to be established and agreed upon. Select a neutral party to set the guidlines then both adhear to them.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 I would not think about marriage and kids until he pays off the loan. It's not a guarantee that a medical degree would make him a doctor. You said you want to go into master's school so is that a full scholarship program or do you pay for it? I myself do not like the idea of owing people money. As a family member he is generous and adorable. When it comes to a gentleman taking you out and treating you, he's not it. I don't like it when a boyfriend's loyalty to family is way more to the wife. The way you are going forward now, you will just be creating another generation who can't afford things and have to loan outside. Unless his siblings got a harvest of what they earn and feel like reciprocating. That's not a guarantee either. I would also think the rush to get married is a ploy for you to combine finances so you can chip in as much as possible. You may think what he's doing with his family makes him an angel, a martyr. I read everything, and I don't count off the possibility that he's mooching off of you. After you get married, he will play this card "but we are family, and we help each other". If he's going to manipulate you and say you don't love him blah blah, then there goes your alarm bells. Responsible guys with loan to pay would never pressure to get married.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Please re-read your post. You claim you don't know what he does with his money; almost implying he is mooching off you. Giving the false impression that he is wasteful, irresponsible, or secretive with his money.
Then totally contradicted yourself by disclosing this:
"I know he is caring. I see the the way he treats his family. I think he pays for his siblings tution fees. And he gave away the only car he had to his parents."
Do the math.
He helps his family and thinks beyond his own needs. He is struggling to get by; but he knows someday he will be a doctor, and he will make more. You only take care of yourself. In many cultures the oldest child, be that a son or daughter, sends money home to help the family. Maybe you pay for a few dates now and then; in time, the situation will reverse itself. If one is not careful in reading your post, or didn't pay close attention; you would miss very important facts about the character of this man.
He takes care of his family, and he is studying to be doctor. He is broke because he makes personal sacrifices beyond himself. You've got yourself a prize of a fiance.
What are you complaining about?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Unless you are permitted to take over control no matter how much money he hashe will be broke.
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