A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is very on and off with jobs but now it's gotten to a point where he is unable to take me out anymore. When i first met him he was working hard at two jobs. He moved to an area where it is very isolated, no bus and he had no car. We live about an hour away from each other rather than the 3 minute car ride before. I feel like as our two year relationship has progressed, I've been paying for many more things. I paid 500 for his prescription glasses and I still have not got the money back after 9 months. I have been driving back and forth between his house and my own for a year and a half. I was paying for our a lot of our dates but now I've stopped. The whole not having money thing is turning me off completely. I am not a shallow person because I've been paying for a lot since we started dating out of sympathy. My sibling put in a good word for him at her job where you get paid roughly $20 an hour. It is a well known bank's call service center and would look amazing on a resume. He got two interviews and is confident in both of them but they check your credit. He says he owes money to phone companies that may be around 1000 dollars. He basically has given up and says that he can't pay it off anytime soon but I kind of feel like he's not trying hard enough. If you really wanted it, you would work hard to get it. It just seems like his ambition is gone and he uses his area as an excuse as to why he can't find a job but he has a car now and I'm not buying it. I'm just getting frustrated and I'm tired of paying for everything, I feel like his mother. Sometimes he says things that are very ungrateful when I've been more than generous to his situation and now I'm just annoyed. Am I being selfish? What can he do about his situation with the job offer and his credit? Please help
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 You are NOT being selfish
stop paying for things
stop going to see him
stop rowing the relationship boat and see if he steps up.
He will take what he can get and continue to use you for your money. Stop giving him an excuse.
If you stop paying for things you may find that YOU won't have to end the relationship, he will.
don't let the fact that he's using you for money hurt you too badly.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 April 2015):
 That's even worse. With no rent to pay where did his money go to, that he couldn't afford his phone bill?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry I didn't clarify. He has not moved out of his parents house. His parents moved and he went with them
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): Don't pick-up the bill for him. Why would he move out to someplace that would make hard-times even harder for him? I'd say he's involved in some activities(and/or people)he
doesn't want you or his family to know about.
If he got two interviews with the bank; they may still hire him on the recommendation or a character voucher from your sister. Employee-recommendations often compensate for shortcomings found in background checks. As long as there is no criminal-history; or if he doesn't fail a drug testing. Fear of drug-screening often keeps people from applying for good jobs.
You picked up on very important clues. He lacks ambition. People sometimes just become discouraged or suffer low self-esteem after long periods of unemployment. So be careful how you judge him on that. You know him, so you know what is different about him.
Maybe he has some recreational activities that is zapping him of his ambition. You note changes about him; and should take that as a warning it may be time to stop footing the bill and paying for things. Especially when he comes across with a arrogant sense of entitlement, and seems ungrateful for your generosity.
It is time to inform him that you're tightening your budget for awhile, and you may not be able to spare the extra cash. That is an direct-warning you're not paying his way anymore. THEN STOP DOING IT!!!
If he has a problem with that. Consider whether it's time to hand him his walking papers. Please don't use "love" as a deterrent-factor that weakens your judgment when it is clear you've lost his respect, he takes advantage of you, and you're not appreciated for what you contribute to the relationship. It has to go both ways.
Don't make assumptions on what the bank will do about hiring him. They began the background and credit-check before they called him in for the second interview. He just has to have a clean criminal-background and they may waiver the credit requirement. If he has garnishments or owes large debt gone-bad, it will be a problem for him. It may be time for you to step-away from this guy. If by some miracle he gets the job and keeps it, you're home-free.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (12 April 2015):
He doesn't have good money managing skills so even if you help him he would be behind in bills. Lack of transportation can be depressing but he should have thought about that before he moved into that place. He thought by moving out of his parents, even to a remote place, he has freedom to have sex but now he realizes the cons are more than the pros. 1000 dollars in phone debt is like a year of not paying the bill. He needs to understand the concept of saving, and not living beyond his means. You feel like his mother because he is acting like a child. He has no room to be ungrateful. You helped him a lot, he should be on his best behaviour. If he was my boyfriend I would distance myself and not make his problem mine. I feel that you want help because your relationship is going to end because of this, you should know you'd already done enough. He needs to learn his own lesson.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (12 April 2015):
STOP STOP.You have been OVER generous and now he is taking advantage of your kindness.First of all its up to him what he wants to do over his job offer and his credit.Consider having an indept chat with him pointing out how you feel about paying for everything while he is making no effort at all-and that you will not Continue to do so.Because while he has you to fall back on for his needs he will continue to have no motivation to do anything for himself.Make him aware that when he does start working that he has to pay you back the 500 he owes you for his glasses.This man needs AWAKE-UP-CALL to real living and unless you are very firm with him you will continue to pay as of when he needs money.You are not selfish but too kind.Kind wishes .NORA.B.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): He is not interested in working do not let him move in with you.
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