A
female
age
36-40,
*rmyofme
writes:I have been reading dear cupid for a while now and you guys give some brilliant advice, so I'm hoping you can help me gain some insight on my own situation. I apologise if this is a bit of an essay, I'm trying not to leave anything important out.I am 23 and I have been with my 25 year old boyfriend for 3 years. I love him very much but recently I have begun to question his feelings for me. I feel we are at something of a cross roads and I am trying to assess where our relationship might be heading and how he feels about me/sees me. Whenever I read articles about this kind of situation I see things like "if you're not sure he loves you then this is a warning sign he doesn't", however I don't feel as though it's that cut-and-dry. I'll write a few things here that have caused my doubts to build over the last year:-He has been on nights out with friends a few times and hidden it from me/lied for no good reason at all. I found out about this much later through his friend's girlfriends - who incidentally were there. When I confronted him about this he told me I was making a big deal about nothing and didn't apologise for days.-I do not often call on him for emotional support, but after a particularly rough period this year (I had lost a person close to me and things were tough at work, I had just had a miscarriage) I called him in tears after it had all become too much. He said that he was really sorry and he'd like to talk but he'd made plans to go to the pub with the lads. I said look it's fine I can talk to a friend, just go and enjoy your night I hadn't realised you had plans. He insisted he wanted to be there for me and he was only going to be out a couple of hours, he'd call me straight afterwards. He called me blind drunk 8 hours later at 3 in the morning, asked what had been getting me down and then fell asleep on the phone.-I recently supported him through a rough patch in his job. When I bumped into his friend on a night out we were talking about travel and I said how much I'd love to live abroad, but my boyfriend had always explicitly said he hated the idea. He said maybe I should talk to my boyfriend about it again as he'd been saying that he hoped he lost his job so that he could go and work abroad.-A few weeks ago he went on a night out with the boys - the next day he cancelled our plans. He avoided me for two weeeks saying he had the flu and didn't want me to see him all icky. When he finally did emerge he said he said we couldn't have sex as he was waiting on STD test results, he'd started with some symptoms and had thought I had been cheating on him. We waited and he got the all clear (of course I hadn't cheated on him). I believed his story at first as he seemed sincere. However, as time passes and I think about it more this is causing me further doubts.All of this has caused me some insecurities about the way he feels about me, and particularly about the way he behaves on nights out. I haven't directly expressed these to my boyfriend as yet, but I did suggest I'd like to feel a bit more included in his social life and suggested that maybe we could go to bars together sometimes. He said that it wouldn't be the same fun for him as a lads night out and he'd prefer not to do those things with me. I'm stuck wondering how to assess these situations and our relationship. On the one hand I have been hurt before and I worry that I might be blowing small things out of proportion in my mind. I must say that generally we seem to get along well and he certainly treats me well and helps me out in practical ways and I think this is his way of showing he cares. By his own admission he is quite immature for his age and a little inexperienced in some areas, which may explain in part some of the behaviour.On the other hand I worry that in doubting my gut instincts and judgements I might be missing some big red flags that he just doesn't care about me all that much.I'd be really grateful for your insights. Thanks for reading. =)
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at work, drunk, immature, lost his job, period, std Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 You must be very much in love, and very patient- maybe too patient.
Do you realize what the whole STD caper means ,right ? That he cheated on you, could not even be smart enough to come up with a better excuse for avoiding sex , and tried absurdely to make it as if it was YOUR fault and you had cheated on him. But since you KNOW you haven't , - as an attempt of gaslighting that was poor.
and you want to give a second chance and see a factual, positive change in this kind of ,well,ahem, brat ?... good luck, but don't hold your breath in the meantime.
A
female
reader, armyofme +, writes (17 December 2011):
armyofme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your insights and advice, it has really helped me to gain perspective on my situation. It has also helped me to realise I need to trust my instincts and begin to really assert my judgements. As so often is the case, the situation has been complicated by the fact the relationship is so good most of the time - but in truth I see that often he lets me down when it really counts - whether that's destroying my faith in his behaviour on nights out, failing to show up for support when things get rocky, or perhaps just as importantly - failing to apologise when he does mess up. All of this shows a lack of personal responsibility and accountability, behaviour which can and will lead to heartbreak if it goes unchecked. Abella puts it well when she says his behaviour is chipping away at my good will.I have had a serious conversation with my boyfriend about this recent STD test and I expressed my doubts in the context that his behaviour over the last year has done little to instill faith in his word. I explained how each of these things had impacted upon my ability to trust him and feel secure in the relationship, and how his failure to accept responsibility and make any commitment to try and set things right had compounded the issues. I told him that perhaps if behaving in a way condusive to the health and happiness of our relationship created too much conflict with his other needs in life, he should not be in the relationship.I am ready to leave if I don't see a change in his behaviour and attitude. I guess now the ball is in his court, I need to give him a chance to make up his mind and address these issues should he choose to.Thanks so much =)
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 December 2011):
 You are clearly insightful and astute. And he knows you will see through lies. That's why he avoids you when he's feeling guilty.
Why is he pulling away? After three years he should be reaching the stage where he makes a decision regarding his intentions towards you. Is he feeling that the dreaded "marriage" word might come up soon?
Tell him to communicate honestly with you.
Perhaps he feels he still needs to see the world a little more before he settles down. Or he has a new taste for variety in women and he wants to explore that in the future?
Whatever his thoughts he NEEDS to be HONEST with you.
There would be a well good feelings between the two of you. But his own actions are whitling away at that goodwill. And you deserve some TRUTHFUL answers
Is trying to pull away from you and is he not (yet) being honest about it with you. Instead of the two of you drawing closer he is acting like a slightly disinterested "sometimes" suitor.
He should be open with you.
He should be welcoming opportunities to spend more time with you, not less time.
He certainly should not be telling you lies.
And the TRUST can only be earnt, not bought. His own behavior is not making things better.
And you were NOT making " big deal about nothing " - you spoke the truth and he was so guilty that he was not man enough to apologise for his actions.
And it would seem that he has recently had a fling with a potentially risky relationshi, hence the STD test. How DARE he accuse you of cheating? He knew that was a lie. Once again just to try to cover up his guilt.
This time he was not indifferent to your safety and did get a STD test. That is in his favor, as clearly he does still have some feelings for you.
Next time he may not be as meticulous about getting a STD test and he could give you a STD if he becomes less careful about considering you.
So far, perhaps due to past events, you have been too too nice to him. You have not called him out on his clear half truths he has been using when talking to you.
The fact that some of HIS friends have kept you informed means that they disapprove of his recent actions. Usually guys stick together, unless they think the actions of the guy are ones they disagree with.
A big long deep and meaningful/full and frank discussion is called for. Maybe at the weekend? Becase some of his actions are respectful of your position in this.y
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): He lies to you, he drinks too much, he cheats on you and turns it back on you, he was un-supportive and cruel emotionally when you lost your pregnancy- I presume he was the dad? He is beyond immature and selfish. What are on earth are you doing with him?
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (14 December 2011):
 In my opinion this is one of two things: Fistly he could just be too comfortable in the relationship that he is taking you for granted. You will always be there type of thing ...so he can live his life his way and you will be sitting by the phone! (however, this doesn't explain the STD test)!OR - He is just having fun and not taking the relationship seriously at all.
I would recommend that you yourself also go for a STD test (to make sure you're ok) and if I were you... I would quickly make sure that this guy understands that his "crumbs of loving" - Macy Gray... are just not going to cut it! If after 3 years he is already failing to commit to the relationship...I doubt that there is a future too long ahead. Good luck hunny... I think that you need someone who KNOWS WHEN to be available for his partner. xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): There are plenty of red flags here and you ARE seeing them - this is the "gut instinct" feeling that you get. But you are getting confused and doubting this. I suggest DON'T.What is making you doubt your instinct is a. lack of experience of how to handle a relationship in the longer term, for example in asserting your needs and making sure that they get met in a way that is fair, equal and respectful to your partner b. the fact that your boyfriend is not actively working with you to address your needs, his needs and your combined needs as a couple and seems to be behaving in an untrustworthy and immature way.For you to have "just had" a miscarriage and be having a terrible day and he says that he can't comfort you because he is going to the pub is, to my mind anyway, the largest sign that this guy is just not really in the relationship with you in the sense that he is not emotionally invested. The STD thing means - sorry - that he has probably been unfaithful to you and is trying to divert your attention by pointing suspicion at you. The working abroad thing - yep, you two are not on the same page.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): After 3 years you would expect him to be alert to your needs when you are struggling with so much, losing a baby and somebody close. He should have been there automatically, phoning you, coming round to support you.Not ignoring it and getting drunk with his mates. You should have been the priority at that moment.
It sounds to me like it has run it's course and by staying together it is only going to hurt you.He doesn't sound either committed or ready for this relationship.The STD screams out as a red flag.
Break it off - look towards planning your travelling or living abroad, something you want to do. Take a day at a time,you will get over it.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, LadyZeppelin +, writes (14 December 2011):
 First off, I'm so sorry for your loss. Now, the first thing you need to do is tell him how you feel. Even if you're afraid, address it with him because maybe he will see where you're coming from. If he claims what you're "overreacting", don't take it. Your relationship with him thus far is unhealthy and if he isn't willing to see his mistakes and change for the better, there's no point in staying. If he doesn't want to change, don't stay. You are aware the building is burning, and eventually it will cave unless water puts it out (water, metaphorically, being him changing). The thing about your story that really bothers me is the fact that he wasn't there for you during a miscarriage. Miscarriages can lead to serious depression and psychological problems and for him to not support you, or to support you in a "half-assed" matter is ridiculous. The other problem i have is him getting tested for STDs. Yes,its a good thing to get checked but why would he randomly begin to worry. He may be sleeping around. If you don't think that's possible, realize how much he drinks and understand that alcohol changes a man. I hope he sees eye to eye with you. Good luck
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