A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My soon-to-be ex-husband and were together 15 years, out of which we have been married for 8 years, out of those separated for 3 years and within those we have been in divorce proceedings for the past 2 years… amicably I may add.Half our time together has been extremely good, the other half has been extremely bad. He was the love of my life, and I of his. We moved mountains to be together and it was an against-all-odds love story that saw us cross continents, and overcome several major obstacles along the way to be together. For several years we were very happy and we are blessed with a child whom we both adore. But, having married a wonderful man, after some time he turned angry and lazy and I grew more and more unhappy in the marriage. And the more I sought to make things better, the more he retreated and the worse his moods became. He did not want to talk about things, and refused counselling. In the end, unable to see another way out and fearing a nervous breakdown for myself, I asked him to leave, and after a year I asked for a divorce, which at first he did not want but now he sees it is for the best. He is now dating, which we both agreed we should do, but now I find it has made me feel terribly upset (because I was sort of hoping he would wait for our divorce to be final) and jealous (because someone will experience the beautiful man I first fell in love with). Also, as a single parent in sole charge of a small child, I really get no opportunity to date, whereas he does, so I guess I’m also jealous that he has been able to move on, whereas I can’t. I’m not really complaining, I love being a mum. And whilst I don’t doubt his love for our child, he is not a good dad, so I really can’t share that responsibility with him, and he agrees.And now, only a couple of weeks away from divorce proceedings being over, my memory of the bad times seems very foggy and I am worried that I have lost the conviction I had for three years that divorce was the right way forward. Suddenly all I seem to remember is how happy we once were and how very hard we both tried to be together. How can I clear my mind to recall the reasons why we are divorcing? I need to understand whether I’m feeling like this due to some form of jealousy on my part, because he appears to be moving on far quicker than I am, or whether this is a natural way to feel after a good thing ends (I spent three years being angry so I did not really ever mourn the loss of the good thing we did once have). Or, God forbid, whether I may be regretting my decision to push for a divorce because I may just be in love with him still... This last one frightens me because I’m not sure I can handle all the emotional upheaval that it would entail. How can I figure out which one it is?If anyone has been here before and can shed any light on this – I’d be enormously grateful as I have been going round and round in circles for days and I’m not getting anywhere! Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello. I am the original writer of the post, and I'm just checking in to say an enormous thank you to all of you who wrote in to offer your advice. It was truly welcome, and I have often headed back to this page to re-read what has been written. I has taken me a long time to write back because, well, I still seem to feel good about this divorce one day and then terrible the next! and sometimes I feel like adding to the story, and sometimes I think no, I'm quite ok with this! I guess with any long relationship this is to be expected.But really, a very big thank you to you all, your words provided some much needed insight, clarity and comfort. Thank you.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (15 December 2011):
I think it's very normal for you to be feeling this way. When you see how he's seemingly moved on, and is with another woman you wonder why couldn't it be the two of you, and should you try again?
I think at this point you should move forward because you've already tried for many years to make this relationship work but he's proven time and again that he doesn't want to work on the relationship with you. He refused counseling, and refused to talk with you about what was troubling him and instead pulled away from you. So even though you were willing to work on the relationship, he wasn't. Why would that be different now, if you were to call off the divorce?
"Half our time together has been extremely good, the other half has been extremely bad."
FWIW, psychology studies show that 5-50 good/bad is not enough for a marriage relationship to remain healthy, because in general, bad interactions or bad factors and feelings have more impact on the relationship than good ones. This makes sense to me because marriage is your "closest" relationship in the sense that there are fewer boundaries than with other relationships like friendships or other familial relationship so there's more opportunity to be hurt and for the hurt to run deeper. And also marital relationships are to be exclusive (you can only have one intimate partner at a time whereas you can have as many friends at a time as you want) which just means that when your marriage is unhappy you don't have other options to get your intimacy needs met. So, for a marital relationship to stay healthy, there has to be something like FIVE times as much good as there is bad, not just equal amounts.
If you feel that you need closure to move on, you can try talking to your ex. But you might be better off moving forward because you know that you've already tried for several years so ask yourself why anything should be different this time. Instead, maybe focus on yourself and your child, and on building your other relationships and friendships. good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): I think you're naturally having second thoughts because you see he's now dating again so that means that his "old self" is back, because he's showing that side of himself to at least one other woman. So you feel that well this means he has changed back into his old self, so why can't we be together now? And when faced with the choice of (a) go back to a wonderful time in the past that was comfortable and happy, or (b) move forward alone into an uncertain future...well it's obvious that you would lean towards (a).But you have to realize that this is a false choice. Option (a) doesn't really exist, because you've been trying to make that happen for at least 3 years.Another reason (a) isn't really an option is because it sounds like he keeps things in and refuses to communicate. How is a relationship supposed to work out for the long term if one person puts up walls around himself? sure there were good times. But relationships naturally will also have problems and how those are handled will make or break the relationship. He may be with a new woman now but she could be headed down the same path as you.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (14 December 2011):
You wouldn't be human if you didn't have mixed feelings about this. Of course it is natural to remember the good times and wish things could have been different. But you said it yourself, he got moody, treated you badly, he made you unhappy and he's not a good father. If you need to see this in black and white just write the good and bad down and see how full up the bad column is. You are on the right track, I feel. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): Normally before the divorce, you have to go to the court for mediation,like a last chance to see if it's what you want. I had to, we had to sit in a room with a judge and solicitor.I knew it was the right thing to split up then.
Your bound to have doubts, its almost like mourning and in a way it is a death.The way he's moved on has probably not helped, but he has.
Your life will change massively, you will have to adjust,don't worry about dating,focus on the child and building a secure home life for now.You will get used to it, you will build a support network and if you were so unhappy in the marriage, then an overwhelming relief will hit you that he's not your problem now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011): Wow I could have written this letter! So amazingly similar to my life. Married for 7 dating for a total of 15 with 1 child and separated 3 years. I have to tell you I walked away for same reasons and it does get easier. There are times I slide back into "what if " but there was a reason I was so unhappy and when I remember that i feel better. I too had trouble dating with a child to take care of and feeing overwhelmed being a single parent. The first thing I did was meet more moms to help me get thru the lonely times. Then I went online and started dating. Met a lot of frogs, some friends and would up with a nice and decent guy. I think after 2 years you know what's right or not. It's easy to go back to old habits but for the sake of your child do what will make you a happy mother, whatever that may be. I am still going thru the divorce but things have gotten easier with all the support I have now. I hope you can find the same. Best of luck.
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