A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:If anyone here has ever had the choice to make between keeping a baby, making a person you love very much happy or aborting a baby and having a future, please help me!I'm 17 and a college student. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 10 months when i found out i was pregnant last week. I'm in love with him and would love to start a family with him one day, but i know that all he's ever wanted was to start a family asap. He's a few months younger then me at 16. I haven't told him about the baby yet, and i know before i make any major choices i have to talk to him, but i can't find the words to tell him i'm pregnant.The only problem is that my dad raised me single handed and has always told me how proud he is of me for putting my education first. If i kept this baby i would have to give up everything i've worked hard to get. When he firsted found out i was having sex with my boyfriend after finding a box of condoms in my room, he made me promise that i wouldn't be so stupid to get pregnant. It breaks my heart to think of hurting either of them, i haven't told anyone yet but i've been close to telling my best friend, but then chickened out. If anyone, mother, father, whatever can help me with this i would be so grateful, i don't think i can do this alone. I can't stop crying, thinking about it all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): I was in a similar position to you, but 19 at the time. My boyfriend of 4 years (at the time) wanted to keep the baby. We had a house and he had a good job, and for those 3 reasons my first choice was to keep the baby. That was until i thought about myself. I then realised that there was so much i wanted to do in life and i put myself first.
I do believe that i made the right choice as it was what i wanted, and i believed that if i had doubts in my mind, it would not be fair to bring a baby into the world.
I do believe that you should talk things through with your boyfriend and maybe even your dad. Im sure if u decide you don't want to keep the baby, they would both support you. And if you decide to keep the baby, (even though your dad maybe a little shocked in the begining) they would both support you.
Just make sure the choice that you make is for yourself.
All the best with whatever you decide.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): heya,I'm in your position at the moment however I am only 16 and the dad wants nothing to do with baby. I would go with what your heart tells you.The fact that you have a loving b/f that wants a family is a great thing and im sure he would do all to support you and baby.Abortion is not a quick or easy way out.The after effect it can have on you is tremendous. The guilt of not having that child may lead you to depression and if your dad or b/f ever found out what would they say. Can you lie to them forever and keep this secret locked up? I know i wouldn't be able to. I would say have the baby. You can always go back to your education later on. However i would go with what you feel is right. best wishes xx
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 i will tell u right now, the best choice is to have an abortion.. think of it this way, if u have the baby and some thing happened to the father, where will u be then? welfare? looking for another father to be for ur child? no education? its not selfish to put urself first, and ur bf is way too young to understand the realities of parenthood, im a parent and became one in an unwanted marriage at 16, was forced to stop schooling and all, and then the father was killed 19 months later..i had an abortion with my second pregnancy 2 weeks before he was killed, i have no regrets, i dont here a baby crying in the background, or see things, or have any regrets, and believe me if i could of aborted the first pregnancy in would of but i was too late in the pregnancy to do so...
parenting is soo much more then feeding and changing a child. it takes skill, and tact, and patience, and although u may think u have iot all to parent, when ur baby is crying all night long and ur tired and weary and alone, and ur bf is tired and has to go to school the next day or work, whatever, and ur frustrated because u want to help it but u dont know what to do, a split second is all it takes to lose the maternal/paternal patience and i think u need to grow up more in life, gain more experience, travel, see the world, finish school, and then, if u still want a baby, then u will ahve the tools to be a better parent.. u cant build A HOUSE WITH TOOLS MISSING DEAR..its not possible, and dont look at other teen moms who are doing it... every persons different and u cannot compare. anyone who wants children at a young age are foolish, and it seems ur bf has a lot of maturing to do... he has no idea what it is to be a dad. i dont think abortions murder inmy opinion, but again if i were u i would do it, dont look back and move forward. u wont lose anything but only gain.. trust me... u have the rest of ur life ahaed to have babies.. and if ur bf pressures u then id leave him. dont mix ur emotions with the harsh reality .
in the end, u will pay the price not him. he can break up and move on and play part time dad. u will bhe stuck with the bABY AND NO EDUCATION AND A LOT OF GUYS ARE NOT TOO KEEN ON DATING SINGLE MOMS, ESPECIALLY YOUNG ONE Slike urself. im sorry. i dont mean to be harsh but someone has to say the truth.
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female
reader, velvetluv21  +, writes (18 February 2008):
I got pregnant at 25 and although you may think age is a factor, it doesn't always have to be. I chose to have him and did for one brief second think of having an abortion. A long time ago I decided that if I ever did get pregnant I would not have an abortion, that if it happened it was meant to happen but when the time actually comes and you do have that option, you almost unavoidably think of it. Even at my age I was just out of school, no health insurance, living at home and not married. My boyfriend said he would support any decision I made but I knew in my heart I would someday regret if I got rid of him and I knew my boyfriend would want to keep him even if i didn't. I was dreading telling my parents and ya know what... the being pissed off lasted all of an hour. I am currently due to give birth any day and the only person who gave me grief, my dad, can't wait for his grandson to get here. The best advice I can give anyone in your situation is make the decision as if no one else on earth existed. If you didn't have to answer to your dad, if you didn't have a boyfriend, if money didn't matter.... would you have this baby? Thats what i did and the answer was clear to me. Don't listen to anyone who says give the child up for adoption at this stage... if you notice its only men who say that. At this stage its easy to think of your child as a ball of cells but eventually when he/she starts to move and kick and you feel them with you all day long it is almost impossible to say good bye. You don't have to end your life because of a child. you can still go to school and have a life, it will just be a little different than the typical 17 year old.
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female
reader, gottascrewlose86 +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Hey girl,I have never been in the same situation as you before so I really can't say I know how you feel cause I don't but I know what it is like to be young, in college and trying to pursue your life and brighten your future.Now I am not trying to sound like a cold, harsh person here but if I was in your position I would have the abortion. If you chose to keep the child, it will be very difficult for both you and your boyfriend as far as caring for the baby and getting the money to buy it necessary stuff. You could put the baby up for adoption but later in life that baby may be very hurt not knowing who the biological parents are. I say the abortion may be the best solution as of now but if you chose this I suggest you do it as soon as possible before the baby starts to grow.Keep in mind that in the future use birth control, abortion should never be used as a back up method. This can be a lesson learned and you are allowed to make mistakes. Good LuckJenni
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): I was in the same position as you at the same age and i chose to have an abortion. sorry, to all those out there who do not support abortions, but it was the right decision for me. I have never ever regretted it either, at that age i was so immature and couldnt even look after myself without a baby in tow. I did my college work after the abortion and went from strength to strength but the decision has to be yours and your blokes at the end of the day. Keep in touch and let us know what you decide upon. I will send you hugs and support you, no matter what you choose.
take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): The choice dosen't have to be between keeping it or killing it. Put the child up for adoption of foster care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): hi sweetiefirst off you don't have to do this alone i feel for you. great advice from aunts on here who including myself has had a termination. its not easy and yes you will feel bad, but your only 17 your allowed to make mistakes dear i was alot older than you.only you can deciede what to do with advice in here and with GP book appiontment talk to people maybe not your dad or b/f do this quickly then deciede. when you have made your choice if its termination talk to your dad he sounds great i say dad as your b/f is very young and you prob won't be with him forever (sad but true) and your dad will stand by you and support you whatever you do. i hope this helps you dear remeber you are not alone and not the only girl/woman that has had termination and been alright there's so much anti and bad press about this and it not all true everyone should have the right to a choice and i know its not easy but neither is life!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Hi, this is a very difficult question and you will get some response from anti-abortion aunts. I can only tell you my feelings from living your nightmare myself, it may be a little lengthy so bare with me.
I remember a conversation years ago with my mom, where I told her I could never have an abortion if I fell pregnant, I wasnt very old at the time and she wisely responded 'You can't possibly say until you are in that situation, the way you feel about having a child would completely depend on the circumstances' at the time I thought she was wrong. I have alway wanted children and would love and care for them no matter what.
Well at 18 years old, I was pursuing my career and I felt I was really going somewhere, when I fell pregnant. I was living with my boyfriend at his dads house but we had no financial stability nor would we ever,if we had this baby. I sobbed my heart out for over a week but spoke to knowone, to me, this was the hardest choice I had ever had to make. I chose to abort, not even telling the father, I thought this would make things harder, firstly he might feel that he had to say he wanted it, knowing I did.Secondly he might tell me to abort and then I would feel like he had influenced my decission. I had the abortion and told my boyfriend when I got home from the clinic, he held me while I cried, hours passed and my heart ached but he stayed with me and eventually living with the guilt eased. The problem was the longing for a child didnt. From the minute I came round, all I wanted was a baby but one made under the right circumstances.
So, I continued working and education, we got our own house and car and in 12 months we had turned our lives into one with real prospects. We then sat down and SPOKE about how we felt about having a baby, how it would affect our lives and decided to go for it. I had a beautiful baby girl when I was 19 and couldnt of been happier. She was born with a condition that required surgery when she was born and I felt that this was my punishment for aborting the first child. Still. she recovered and we love her. At 21, my partner is still with me, here to hold me when I cry, I have another daughter, I have a mortgage,car,pets and have continued my education from home whilst I have been looking after the children.
The purpose of sharing my story is to show you that you can have it all, as I did, don't be fooled that its easy because thats far from the truth but my life and my heart is fulfilled.
The choice you have to make is difficult but only you can make it. I think you should discuss it with your boyfriend but bare in mind the final choice is yours - look how many men walk away from their kids.
If your not ready and you want to finish your education, you have your whole life, once your stable to make babies. Don't think about what others would think if they knew.
Dont forget the money involved, who would support this child, its not ideal if the answer is your dad. Im neither for nor against abortion. I feel that I made some wrong choices and should have let those around me give some support. Consider all angles and do whats best for you.
Hope this is useful x
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (17 February 2008):
 Tell your dad, he will stand by you .He loves you very much and he will solve all your problems for you .
You are young and you made a mistake. Don't blame yourself or be harsh.
Don't be afraid to tell him . The earlier the better so that he can be prepared for it. He will forgive you .He will understand.
You don't have to carry this burden alone!!!! There is no better man than your dad.
Having a baby does not mean the end of your college life. You are only taking a break .
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Honey, I've been in the exact situation, it's pretty horrible isn't it? I decided on an abortion, for several reasons.. 1) I was only 16, and my parents would have been mortified to find out I was having sex, never mind I was pregnant. 2) I was so young, really, and I had the whole of my life ahead of me. You've got years and years to start a family, you've just come out of education. To have a child so young would change your life forever. Forever you would have the responsibility of a child. Obviously, you're not married to your boyfriend, so in a sense, the child would grow up with an uneven background. They need stability. Not one parent living in one house, and another parent living in another. 3) To raise a child is so expensive! Before deciding to bring them into the world, you need to be certain that you can afford to keep them happy, and safe, and warm. 4) You're boyfriend may want children, but is it fair to ruin your figure and possibly have deep stretch marks in your body? It's still developing, you're still growing, and it just seems a shame to ruin it when you've only just got a proper, womanly shape. 5) And he says he wants one now... But who will it be, changing nappies and feeding in the middle of the night, when he's not there? When he's not there, you'll be the one to look after it. When he's at work, again, you'll be left to stay with the stress. And in my opinion, one phone call from him on his lunch break asking if everything is ok is not enough for you. You deserve more honey.
I'm not saying that having a child wrecks your life. They're undoubtedly amazing to have in your life, but maybe you should wait. Personally, I'd say wait until you actually try for a child, and not just bring an 'accidental child' into the world. But whatever you do, good luck honey, I hope it all goes really well for you :]
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reader, rcn +, writes (17 February 2008):
 It sounds like your dad is a real supportive person. Why do you think you can't have a future with a child? My ex gave birth to our son when she was in high school and 16 years old. She's now living in Hawaii and has a college degree. Having our son, only meant an additional challenge, not that it couldn't be done.
Now, from the other side, I've worked with quite a few women who have had abortions. I'm not saying it happens to everyone who does, but one thing doctors fail to mention all too often when people have abortions is the possability of long term mental health problems. I've had people I've talked to from recent abortions to 30 years post abortion who are still affected.
So you may be able to have the future, but if affected, what kind of future would it be with after affects such as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder etc. When making your decision weigh out everything. You want to look at current and future affects. Sometimes taking the easy road now, has the worse long term consequences.
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