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anonymous
writes: Dear Agony Helper,
I am 14 years old and i work for my parents as
they own a chinese takeaway. There is also a guy who works for my parents
and he does the delivery. He is married and has 4 kids, he's in
his 40s. Every Thursdays it's just me and him working as my parents both
have a day off, and it's every Thursdays that he flirts with me really
badly...I can't say that I don't like it because I do and I always find
myself flirting back. It has recently got really serious and I think I love
him because I think about him constantly. I can't talk to my friends or
family about this because it's really embarrassing and no-one will
understand how I feel. I know I should just try and forget about him because
he has his own family and nothing will come of it, but I just can't forget.
Everytime we're alone, he touches me, kisses me and we even sit there
holding hands. He tells me he loves me, and I think I love him too. But now
my parents might be sacking him because they think he doesn't do enough
work, and if he does get the sack, today will be his last day and I don't
know how I'll ever manage without him. My feelings for him are real and
there is nothing anyone can do to change that. Please help.
Confused from Essex
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female
reader, Sahirasms  +, writes (18 June 2010):
 I don`t think thats a good thing to be doing
A
male
reader, guaranteed  +, writes (13 June 2008):
Hi Confused,
I am actually a 40 year old man with children and a wife. I think I can give you some unbiased insight.
Not all 40 year old men look their age. I know I don't. I look like I am in my early thirties and some would say younger. I am fit, full of life and a very caring man. So the arguments given about men who are forty or above needing to boost their ego more than younger men does not always apply to men who have not let themselves go. I know I am fitter and better looking than many men in their twenties.
There is a reason I am saying these things, not to boast, but to give a hopefully balanced view in order to help you.
You may find this man attractive. Older men can often act more considerate that younger men because of their greater experience and confidence. If he is fit he may well look younger that he is, he will appear like a real man compared to some spotty teenagers. He may have an uncanny knack to make you feel special, seem to really care and listen to you unlike other boys you may know. There may be many things you admire about this person. He may make you feel safe, secure and special. He gives you all his attention, makes you feel wanted and acts like you are the most important person around. No-one will have made you feel like this before and you will not want to lose it.
Do you know who this man is replacing? Your father! Fathers have a special role in their children's life. A father should make his daughter feel special, make her feel unique and totally appreciated. He should listen to her, nurture her, embrace her and make her feel safe. A father should be preparing a daughter to know how to relate to men, in an appropriate way. There never should be a hint of sexual inappropriateness between a father and his daughter. But yet, girls from a young age learn to flirt with their father. When I say flirt I hope you understand. It is part of the development of children to flirt with the opposite sex. But within a parent and daughter relationship there should be boundaries. These boundaries make the relationship safe. A father should never touch his daughter inappropriately, make suggestive comments or compromise his daughter sexually, socially or even relationally. A father should always protect, always encourage, always nurture and always love unconditionally.
What is the relationship like with your father? Does he hold you often and tell you how wonderful you are? Does he talk to you and make you feel special? No father is perfect but you need to release something. This delivery man is acting like an inappropriate father who does not love you.
If a father were to behave like this man then he would be guilty of breaking the law. It is called grooming. If a delivery man were behaving like this he is also breaking the law. It is called grooming. The same thing. However, it is very difficult to prove. But morally most people are aware that what he is doing is using your vulnerabilities against you to overwhelm you. He is stirring you up emotionally because you have lack in your life. He is stirring you up sexually because you have raging hormones in your system and he knows how to manipulate them. He is manipulating your loneliness and making you feel more loved.
This man knows he is wrong. He does not love you, real love protects. He is not protecting you but exposing you to harm. He does things in secret but real love does things openly. See how he behaves when other people are around.
You are confused merely because you have been emotionally and sexually manipulated. It is not your fault. It is his fault. You need to go away somewhere to let these feeling go away. It will be very hard because he has stirred your passion inappropriately. A very clever abuser makes the victim feel like they cannot live without them or that they need them somehow.
You are a victim and he is an abuser. Get away whilst you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): You are young, you will find someone who will love you for who you are. A married man flirting with a 14 yr old is wrong. Yes, I agree that age should not matter, but there is a clause! Married man should not have any sort of a relationship with a teenager. It is considered as rape!!
You will find someone who will give you the love you deserve and will be yours....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): I have been in your situation before...I was 13 and otally "in love" with my 35 year old science teacher. We did the same things as you and this 40+ man... we laughed, held hands, kissed, and hugged. I was embararest at first too but then i didn't care... I became totally obsessed with him... but i have to be honest.. as hard as it was (even tho he told me he loved me) I knew that nothing (but sex) would ever come of the relationship. And even tho i don't think you should tell your parents I do believe that this is not a healthy thing to pursue. I hope that you take my words to heart. If you have any more questions feel free to email me. [email address blocked]
Good Luck
~Joanna Banana~
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): i would just like to say i was unaware that there were soooooo many nasty ass people in the world. you are one dumb ass bunch of people. that is not good advice. this is: hunni he is a paedophile and you should tell the police and get a restraining order against his ass. he knows it is wrong and you are just a kid.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): You need to realize that a man in his 40's that is married with children, almost by nature, is attracted to the younger lady/girl. This is true...whether he is married or NOT ...satisfied or NOT. This is simply nature. In fact, you yourself will experience this good fun when you hit 30-40 and watch your own husband play the flirting game with a youngling. It's called experience...something teen girls have none of, but what sweet revenge when it becomes your turn!!!
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female
reader, oesed  +, writes (15 July 2007):
What do you guys think about a 17 year old with a man in his 40s? Yes, he is married with kids. Miserably so, but so. I do realize he has other priorities, and do not expect anything from him. Although I do feel that way, the flirting and teasing and whatnot becomes slightly overwhelming because I am in love with him. I am just wise enough to realize that many men that age flirting with women my age are simply doing so because they are aroused by the idea of having sex outside of their marriage and with a younger partner. I doubt he is being satisfied by his wife... but at the same time, sexually, he hasn't made any passes. We bond intellectually - through literature, music, dance and our mutual thirst for knowledge. Then, after all of that, I do believe he'd rip my clothes right off of me if he didn't feel the burden of his marriage (but I do not blame him for this because I am the younger, available woman who is giving him the attention he longs for). Divorce is ringing in my ears. I feel I should stay away from him until he sorts out his problems, but that could take years (he did tell me at the beginning of the summer that he would get in touch later). So I was considering maybe having a Jean-Paul Sartre / Simone de Beauvoir kind of relationship (if you are aware of what I mean). This meaning we meet up regularly, we share a love that is unique and only we know it, we have a relationship together but allow the other to be involved with others. I think because of the whopping age difference, that could be the only relationship we could have. Him playing the role of my confidant, I guess. Do you guys think this is a good idea, considering he is sexually attracted to me and I am in love with him?
By the way, in your replies.. please do not lecture me, I am not 14 years old, I am almost 18 and off to university. I am still young yes, still ignorant yes, still naive yes. But I am aware of all of the risks of this situation, and do not need you to remind me of them. The man I am with seems to be decent and not perverted - he always thought I was 18. Though that still seems wrong because the age gap is so big, it's understandable at the same time. Anyways, I would also discourage you to start reciting the Bible or anything that has to do with religion. I am deist, more specifically pantheist. Religious scriptures and rituals have no meaning to me. I respect you for having your beliefs, though. Just do not attempt to relate them to my life.
- the anonymous 17 yr old.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): 40 is pushing it!! but if you really think you love him and he loves you STAY away until you are 16,,if his love is true he will still be there..im 17 and with a 30 year old guy,,no body approves n no body gave me advice but age doesnt always matter...x3
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2007): Hi I'm 14 too and I had a story kind of close too yours but I relized that he was only using me I mean he was sweet brought me everything I wanted and took care of I loved him me but when it came down too it he told me he would wait till I was ready for sex but that very scary night I relized he lied he was forcing me and held me down and do you know what he said he said you told me you love me so I think your ready at that moment I knew he lied he just wanted me for one thing but luckly I got away that night but you may not be so lucky but I want you too sit back and think what does a 40 year old man with a wife annd kids really want with me what can I give him that his wife or any other female can't sorry for this but "younger pussy" I had too say it because its the truth!!!!!!! Please I know it may be hard but find a 14 15 maybe just 16 year old boy that u can love because he doesn't love you he is just pulling your leg so he can get what he wants!!!!!!!!! And althought he may really love you and want something with you its just not "RIGHT" don't make the same misstake I did!!!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2007): Please Please Please stop it NOW. I am a wife with a child and my husband did the same with a 15 year old.
It continued without her parents or me knowing for 3 years. He said he loved her.
He was arrested and is now facing prison as the girl now 19 has told her parents. He has lost his job, his home, his wife and daughter and will be put on the sex ofenders register.
If you both have serious feelings for each other please wait until your 16. Remeber you have so much life ahead of you,one day you will be a wife with kids. How would you feel if it happened to your husband?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): hi dear 14 years old first i would like to talk about love i mean true love .. the love dose not know the places and ages and and so on ,the love when comes with logic and legal it becomes so strong and no one can get out of it anymore and also love is ,,The most spectacular,indescribable , deep euphoric feeling for someone. Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa.It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.at our case now i see this girl was banned from true loves from her mom and father so when she got that flritng from that man she become confused with 2 feelings ,parents love and puberty love these 2 loves r mixed on her self and also the great thing forced that feeling his deal with her , kisses and touches and ctaching hands that all lets her to life in big lie i mean fake love , and my advice to her she shoud think with logic and try to think about her future how come when he becomes 60 years and his kids also become gus what can she do , and i think but believe that kind of fake of love is finishing only in 1 care when he gose out of her life she will forget him at all without back ....best regards ahmed abdel kader egypt
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006):
Stay away from this guy, he is trouble. A 40 year old man and a 14 year old is against the law! He is only out for what he can get from you. Be smart, go out and find a date your own age. When the reality of the situation sits in you will have nothing in common with this man. It sounds like this guy is really dishing out a line of BS, don't fall for it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): What you are feeling could be real love, only you can determine that. I think you have to sit down and think about your future and what you want from life. Is having 4 children at 14 a responsibility that you are ready to take on? Is living with a man that is 16 years older than you something you honestly wish to do? You are a 14 year old woman, and you have a whole life ahead of you. Just remember that any decision you have has a consequence, are you ready to live with it? Think carefully, and try to be objective..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I'm sure you already know this man is a pervert and breaking the law. Can you look you look his children, who are probably about the same age as you are, in the face after committing adultry with their father.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2005): Save yourself for your husband.
RKS
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female
reader, Roly +, writes (17 November 2005):
Sweetie...
Just stop for one second and listen to what you have stated, all on your own. "you can't go to friends or family about this because it's embarrassing". That, my dear sweet child, is your "instinct"...and you already know for yourself, that what is happening between you two, is wrong...on many, many levels.
Please heed the advice you've been given here in all these responses...go to your parents, and i would also strongly recommend you and your parents together...go to the police.
My heart and prayers are sure with you...
Roly
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2005): eeeew! Do not let this go any further! Why? 1. he's 40 2. he's 40 and married 3. he's 40 and married with kids4. he's 40 and married with 4 (four) kids 5. he's 40 and flirts with 14 year old girls - no offense 6. and, he's 40 and a delivery guy?!?!I'm sorry but you shouldn't be flattered - he's a LOSER!!!Believe me... one day you'll look back at this, and be thankful you never let this go any further.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2005): Dear Confused,
Healthy flirting with a grown man is just fine, but having deep feelings for his is kind of strange for a girl your age. I completly understand the allure of having someone that old like you but from experience, if you guys get intimated, it's lost right away. Go to some social dance and find someone with the same experience level as yours. Also, the guy's a delivery man...so. Flirt with him all you like but you are 14 God's sake, focus on academics, and don't get too serious about anything else.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2005): hi
i understands wots happening totaly bettween you and this guy
the thing is though he is a married man and will proberbly have kids and no offence but i dont think he will want to leave his family to go out with a 14 year old girl because he is married and you are under age to get married even if he did like you loads and think about it also he a devilerMAN for gods sake wot u need to do is go out with a load of your freinds and have a good time get away from this guy cos if you think about it its a bit creppey isnt it because hes 40 and ur only 14 any way wot eva happens try to find some1 else because this guy is not worth it
gud luck
kris frm leeds
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2005): I do not have to read this,,,, what is wrong with you and how have your parents raised you. honey please wait for the special guy, and trust me its not him
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A
reader, becky05 +, writes (10 August 2005):
This man is a paedophile! Tell your parents what he has been doing and dont ever have anything to do with him again.
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female
reader, Alison111 +, writes (9 July 2005):
Your feelings have deepened from flirtation to wanting and you are still so very very young. What a compliment for a guy like him but in reality if he were a man he would ward off any flirtuous behaviour by you and accept your age. To encourage you is not respect but abuse.Read My WordsAlison
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female
reader, melxx +, writes (29 June 2005):
I think this is just a phase you're going through. I went through it myself as well so I know how you feel. Try and find someone your own age and forget about him as you say you know nothing will come of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2005): I gave the below advice to a young girl who was 13 and had a crush on a 20 year old. I will give the same advice to you and please read this carefully. About this 40 plus year old man...what on earth are you thinking girl? When you survive this relationship...you will be very hurt and when you grow up...you will say "what was I thinking??" Take a good look at the kind of relationship we're talking about here. You are 14 years old! He is in his 40's. There are over 25 years of life dividing the two of you..and he is married! Do you honestly think he wants to sweep you off his feet and whisk you away to a better life?? No! He wants to get you in bed..the man is a pervert. I, along with every parent reading this answer, fears you will say there is a bond in the worst possible way (yep, I mean sex) and that will force me to retort with words like; "statutory rape, lecherous intentions, borderline pedophilia and ewww..he's just plain gross!" Honestly the whole thing makes me want to yell, "Don't even think of this relationship, date guys closer to your own age and enjoy your youth!" Chances are good he enjoyed his youth, a youth he lived 25 years ago! The man is unbalanced! I can state with great confidence that most normal well-adjusted 40+ year old men (and most, decent men in their late 20’s& 30's) would run to the nearest psychologist if they ever seriously thought about having that kind of a relationship with a 14 year old child. Sorry, I know how much teens hate being called children but really, you’re not an adult by any legal or socially accepted definition of the word so get over the child label and just accept that this 40 plus year old who treats you like gold probably has some really unsettling demons lurking in his head and that those demons are just waiting to jump out and scare you back into a reality where teens date teens, or at least young adults, and married 40 plus year old men don’t troll for dates with teen girls. The guy is a weirdo pedophile...he just wants to have sex with you. He does not want a committed relationship. He already has a wife and family! Think about it girl..get your head out of the clouds! He should be reported to the police. And someone should tell his wife what he's up to...the man should be in jail.I wish I could tell you that love conquers all but any man that old, involved with a girl who is so much younger most likely suffers from one, some, or all of the following personality quirks; he is immature, he is an under-achiever, he has low self esteem, he is a control freak (scary!), more than likely he is in an early mid-life crisis, and he is emotionally confused, he routinely strays from socially accepted norms, he’s creepy, etc… When all is said and done the dude is just not right....his head is not on straight. Run the other way, girl and please tell your parents. When you seek to justify this relationship to outsiders you may often find yourself stating that you’re just really mature for your age, and hey, that may even be true but this guy is also really immature for his age. Now at this point in the game, in a last attempt to justify your love you may defensively ask why people frown upon a teen dating an older man but have no problem when someone in their 30’s dates someone in their 50’s. The answer here is simple; life experience. People in their 30’s and 50’s have both lived life as adults, are likely both established in their adulthood, have finished school and are grounded in careers, basically they have become peers in the eyes of society. People in their teens dating people in their 40’s are not peers by any stretch of the imagination and do not share this wealth of life experience; a teens’ life is just starting while a 40 years olds’ life is in full swing. So there you have it; my strong opinions! Take it or leave it. The man will never leave his wife and kids for you...never! he just wants some "jollies" with a young, teen girl/child. This make him a real "sicko" in my books. Pleeeease tell your parents!
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reader, Mickey_Powell +, writes (13 June 2005):
 This man is in his 40s, you are 14. There are years between you. This man knows hes doing the wrong thing. You know you are doing the wrong thing. Find somebody the same age as you, not a guy 3 times your age. He is taking advantage of you because he isn't getting the satisfaction he wants off his wife. What you need to think about is there is kids involved and you should stop flirting. It will all go wrong for you. And you could both get in serious trouble!
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reader, lil mama101 +, writes (12 June 2005):
This man knows that you are a young teenage girl who is curious and at that age wants someone to love and pay you attention but he know that what he is doing is wrong he is taking advantage of you. The best thing you can do is focus on what count which school education is what you will need.
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reader, sally +, writes (9 June 2005):
i think you have a huge crush on this guy,maybe it is love,but i think he is absolutely terrible for doing this to you.you are 14,a child,sorry to make you feel small but he should not be doing this to you.you have to break away from him,he will never make you happy,he is old enough to be your dad,and he is married.it will be for the best if you do not see him any more,believe me,this guy sounds like a pervert.
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reader, trusty +, writes (3 May 2005):
I JUST WANT TO SAY A;; THESE PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT TEENAGERS CANT EXPERIENCE LOVE, WELL YOUR ALL VERY MUCH MISTAKEN,TEENAGERS LOVE IS MORE STRONGER THEN ANY ADULT CAN EXPERIENCE IN THEIR ADULT LIFE I THINK YOU ARE ALL FORGETTING WHEN YOU WERE A TEENAGER. but I do think this girl should really stop this behavour straightaway. She is only 14 and he is in his 40s he can get in a lot of troubble if any one ever found out. Even though I believe teenagers can love I think that this is just flattery. You feel special because of the way he is with you. I say just stop what you're doing before he gets in trouble with the police.
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reader, Soul sister +, writes (30 March 2005):
Hi Confused, It's obvious that you feel strongly for this man but he may not feel the same about you. He knows what he is doing is seriously wrong and he is trying to confuse you. This man could be anyone with his goals aiming high to hurt you. Another thing is he could be doing this to other girls around the same age. He may just be doing it because he's bored of married life and having a family. You are young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste your love on someone who doesn't deserve it, like him. You'll find someone who really loves you for what you are and who you are and no doubt they will be about the same age as you and you won't be frightened to talk to your parents about them because your parents will approve. Good luck with whatever your decision is. I wish you the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2005): dear confused from essex, i must say that i have been in your shoes. but realize that you are only a teenager and have not even begun to experience love and dating yet. take my advice and look for someone your age. this guy is way too old for you and has a family that he is not going to leave. he would never be able to go out with you because your parents could put him through the ringer legally. he can go to jail. he is considered to be a pervert who is using an innocent young girl because he knows he has advantages there. do not be fooled. do not let this guy con you into sex or anything with him. because 1. your family would be hurt and upset and he would go to jail and 2. you are way too young for him. there is no true relationship with a man his age and a female your age. you need to find someone your age that you can have fun with and experience fun things with. going to the movies, hanging out, anything. this guy can go to bars and etc... you cannot. do you really think that it would be fun to sit at home while your guy was in bars with other women his age. his wife may find out also. if he is hitting on you then i can almost guarantee that this man is not in his right mind. so BEWARE of this man. as for your feelings, this is what you would call lustful puppylove feelings which is not true love. you will find someone within due time. but for right now. live your life as 14 and have fun. life is full of surprises. trust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2005):
First off I think you already know the answer to your question. You know
being that its wrong you still doing it regardless so I wont know if any
advice would prove to be of any use. I believe you are seeking answers as to
ways of getting with the guy rather than not to. But regardless to my
previous opinion I would say this: You are 14 and he is 40 thats too much of
a age difference, hes well enough to be your father at least and himself
having a family already should know better not to mess around with a
underaged kid. If either of you are caught he will lose it all by going to
jail, his family perhapahs, and definately have no future there. You lose
the respect of your family, friends, and anyone that knows about this, I
would wonder if you are able to face the world if that is to happen. In my
previous advice I gave to a 19 year old and a 30 being together because
nothing is wrong with two single persons with no kids what so ever and well
over the age limit so love is possible. But in this case you are destroying
another woman's happiness and her children's lives. Can you live with that?
It is the question ultimately you have to ask yourself. Given if you are
that women how would you feel and what will you do? Its not as simple if you
think things through more indebtly. You are not too far wrong already, you
can still turn back but if you choose to persue such a relationship then God
be with you. Ultimately the decision you have to make is between knowing
what is right and wrong and are you not confusing yourself with love with
naiveness. Also you have keep in mind he is an adult and is capable with
anything like cheating and etc. So you have to know him well enough other
than the basic facts that he has a family, kids, and etc. Gathering all the
info you will have to make the final decision then, no advice can tell you
what to do or not after.
I hope my words prove to be any values to you and either to follow them or
not is ultimately up to you. I pray you will find the guiding light to the
answers you seek~
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2005): Hi Confused,
This is the Voice Of Experience speaking to you and I'm sorry to say
that you are being taken advantage of.
I, too, had a relationship with a man in his 40s when I was 14. It was
a long time ago, yes, but the principles remain the same.
First, this man KNOWS that what he is doing with you is wrong; that's
why he only does it when your parents aren't around. Not only is he
trying to seduce a girl who is probably the age of his children, but if
he does, he will be cheating on his wife. Second, he also knows that
inexperience young women like you are aching so desperately for
attention that they are very easy to manipulate. You say that he sits
there holding your hand, that you kiss and he says he loves you, but...
then what? Do you think that he'll leave his wife and four kids for you?
That you'll grow old together? Sorry, Confused. He won't. You won't.
What he's after is a big boost to his ego - the idea of romancing
someone of your age is intoxicating for all men, but especially for men
over 40 - and possibly a chance at sex with you (which is sex with a
minor, let us not forget; that would make him a criminal).
You need to understand why he is doing this, so that you have something
to help strengthen your resolve not to let it continue. This man is
getting older and is feeling less virile. He's using you as a crutch to
prop himself up on. If you're attracted to him, he must be a stud,
right? Well, no, actually. Chances are, that he's the first man who's
ever paid much attention to you right? You would very likely have these
feelings about any man, old or young, who sat and held your hand and
said he loved you. This guy makes you feel special and wanted right now,
but don't you deserve to have a boyfriend who has the same interests as
you, listens to the same music, who isn't already married and who you
can share experiences with you for the first time? Don't you think that
you're more important than just being a quick shag for someone who feels
his libido sagging a bit?
And let's take it that one step further. Let's pretend that you
actually got together as a couple. Would he be willing to wait until
you were sixteen (and legal) before you two have sex? Would you take
him to your school dance? Someone who's as old as most of your
teachers? Would you be stepmother to his kids?
No, Confused. Please take it from somebody who's been there, exactly
there where you are now. Don't allow yourself to work alone with him
and don't flirt with him. The man is a creep and a paedophile. Steer
clear and save your heart for someone who deserves your love.
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