A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve had a childhood friend ask me for so many favors like borrow money but then can’t pay it back or takes months. Then he will take me out to eat only to charge it for me later by saying he owes me less. He also told two people I was molested when we were in 8th grade!! The last straw was I was seeing someone and he knew it was not exclusive. I met someone knew and was talking to both. My so called friend told one of the guys. I confronted him and told him not to get involved in my dating life and these guys knew very well I consider myself single. He then yells at me that the one guy deserves to know (as if he didn’t!). Adding insult to injury, the friend constantly cheats on his wife. I think she knows but turns a blind eye. I’m so upset! I also just found out he told our mutual friends to choose between us. We are both almost 40 years old. I feel bullied again like I did in high school. I feel like I have no real friends. We were friends since 1st grade.
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male
reader, Jammin75  +, writes (25 July 2021):
The definition of a friend, a true friend is not someone who makes you feel bad, stirs trouble and is seemingly against you.
You don’t need this person as a friend, you know that. Try and get the money they owe you (you don’t say how much) then phase them out. You don’t have to do this in an awful way, just cut them off. If you can live without them paying you the money back, then do that now.
They’re not worth your time.
A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (23 July 2021):
 I don't think he's really your friend AT ALL, maybe using you to get money, yes, but not your friend. Just cut contact, he's not a nice person by what you're telling us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2021): I think you already know the answer. A real friend cares about you, is supportive, brings you happiness and shares times with you, good and bed.Your friend is toxic. Not returning money, cheating on his wife, playing people off of one another... a consistent pattern showing lack of responsibility or commitment to important people in his life. In other words, he's extremely inconsiderate and possibly a little nuts.(Telling people you were molested in the 8th grade, WHAT?)The molestation story seems like a red flag, more likely HE was molested in the 8th grade and is putting it you for some reason. Who knows. Anyway, this guy is going through these toxic behaviors and this may never change. One thing I've learned over the years is that people naturally evolve and go through changes over the years. You may not agree with them or like them while they're in a new phase. But eventually, you both reach equilibrium again. And there's no disrespectful behavior. Good friendships weather this.Your situation is simply toxic for you. People like that usually end up alone, and it's sad. After decades of wearing out every friendship and relationship, there's no one left for them. I've seen it. Cut the cord with this this guy. Never loan him any more money. Cut all ties. Once you're away for a while, he'll probably accept it and leach onto someone else, because that's what he knows to get through life.If your other friends are worth talking to, have a sit down and explain the situation. There's no need to get nasty or personal or go into details. Just say I'm not hanging out with him anymore, or the friendship isn't working anymore.It's tricky because word will probably get back to him if they're mutual friends, and it sounds like he could come up with some crappy lies about you to spite you. If these other people are decent, they may put 2 and 2 together and dump him too. If it's all too much hassle, just move on and avoid the drama. Part of life is learning your boundaries, what you will and won't put up with. This is a learning experience. Sometimes it hurts. You might be disappointed in this guy. You might remember happier times. But this is now and it's not good for you. There are plenty of other people out there who will bring a lot more comfort, trust and enjoyment to your life, and you deserve it. Treat yourself with respect and others will treat you with respect.On a side note, I wonder if this guy suffered something bad when he was a kid -- all this sounds like junior high drama, which is where his life might have gotten stuck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): BTW, if your mutual-friends can be persuaded to choose between the two of you, and he wins; they were never really your friends to begin with. You're all behaving like 40 year-old high school kids!
You're an adult now. You've outgrown this petty playground nonsense. Ditch the whole crowd, and find new friends if you must. There's just far too much drama!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2021): Simple. Disassociate! Remove him from your contacts, block him from your social media accounts, and block his phone number. Put as much distance between you as you possibly can. No need for drama, theatrics, or creating bad scenes.
If you were cheating on somebody, it was fate that got you busted. You can blame him, but you weren't being honest. If you were doing the right thing, you wouldn't have gotten busted! You were juggling between two guys; obviously you kept knowledge of one from the other. Neither deserved to be played. If you were interested in somebody else, why are you playing him along? If it wasn't exclusive, and the guy knew it, why are you angry you got busted??? It shouldn't have mattered.
If your love-life is none of his business, his marriage isn't any of yours either. How'd you happen to know "he constantly cheats" on his wife? Why were you keeping track of his love-life? After all the bad-behavior you've described; seems you would have kicked his butt to the curb ions ago! You shouldn't have lent him money again, after the first-time he stiffed you!
You don't have to refer to him as a friend anymore. Minimize the hostility, you really don't need to turn him into your archenemy. Just cut all ties. Keep it clean.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 July 2021):
 Sweetheart, you are no longer in high school. Stop allowing this bully to affect your life.
You said it yourself in your post when you called him "my so called friend". What do you get out of your friendship? He borrows money. He takes you out for a meal then deducts what he has spent for both of you from what he owes you. That is unacceptable. In fact, it is downright rude. He tells lies about you. He thinks he has some right to tell you how to run your love life.
He is doing nothing but sapping your energy and self confidence. That is not what friends do. Cut him out of your life and move on. It will be far easier than fighting him all the time. Your friends can choose for themselves who they want to stay friends with. If any of them ask why you two are no longer friends, tell the truth. You have nothing to hide. Block him on all platforms so he cannot contact you. You owe him nothing.
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A
male
reader, SScooter43  +, writes (21 July 2021):
He is not your friend so please stop considering him your friend. He is just some jackass that you know.
My recommendation is that you stop acting like you two are friends and stop spending time with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 July 2021):
 If he owes you any money still get them back and cut him off. Cut all contact. If your shared friends rather be friends with him or think that they HAVE to choose, they weren't friends, to begin with.
Y'all are 40! Newsflash, High school is over, has been over for a LONG time. Time to grow up. You know this is who he is, and that isn't someone who is good to be around for you. Either let it run out in the sand but be less and less involved or just tell him that you no longer see this friendship as something you want in your life.
Why waste time, money, and energy on someone like that?
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 July 2021):
 I had to double look at the age bracket here after reading this post, as this sounds like high school drama.
By your own admission you are both nearly 40 years old, i think its time you nip this in the bud and move on from this.
Yes you have known him since high school, but this does not mean that you have to have him in your life dictating and controlling you, and making you look small.
I think now is the time to step up to the plate, and ablolish your relationship with this guy.
He does not sound like someone who cares a great deal about your feelings. Cut contact with him sooner rather than later and move on with your life.
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