A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Genuinely trying to find some SENSIBLE advice from people. This does NOT mean I want advice that just backs me up on my point of view!The basic thing is this. I am 36. I don't want children. I never have done, never will. I have a god daughter whom I love and I enjoy spending some time with kids, but I am missing that gene that makes me want to have any of my own or spend more than a few hours with them. I like to hand them back!This, apparently, makes me a freak. I appreciate it makes things ridiculously hard when it comes to meeting a potential partner and that I have a much smaller pool to pick from (or be picked from).The advice tends to be one of the following:a) you have to go for women in their 40s who know they don't want kids, are 'of an age' where they can't have themb) you have to change your mind and have kidsc) you have to accept the fact you can't have a long-term relationship but just have to date people, then when the kids thing comes up, split upIn other words, the chances of me actually having a long-term relationship with one person is almost non-existent. My previous LTR lasted 10 years (she was 10 years older and didn't want kids) but fell apart in the end through other partly age-related issues. So I really am not keen to go for someone in their mid-40s again. Similarly, I don't want to be a step-parent, and 70% of the women in my area online are single mums. Sorry, it just isn't for me.There are no online dating sites in the UK for childfree (not childless) people and on almost any dating site, select "don't want kids" and the pool shrinks from HUNDREDS to about TEN!Are there any other child-free people out there who can give me some advice???? Please. I don't want to flit from fling to fling but want a serious relationship and there's no point starting anything with someone who wants kids or may want kids, because it will only end in hurt for both people (been there, done that).Thanks, much appreciated!!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, KittenPaws +, writes (13 September 2010):
Hi OP,
I grew up of the 'undecided' ilk when it came to kids. Since getting together with a serious partner that doesn't want kids, I've now come to accept that I will most likely to never have kids. My sister and her husband have also decided never to have children.
As to where to find us... hmm, well- what is it that makes a person decide against having kids? -Is it disillusionment? A busy career? A penchant for travel? Or just bloody minded-independence? :)
Whichever one of these or many others that it might be, there are probably clues in there as to where you might chance upon someone with a high flying career, or a love of travel... perhaps at a local clinic?? Joking apart, I actually suspect that people of a certain advanced level of education seem to recognise just how many opportunities there are for the time they might otherwise spend raising children. Perhaps you could revisit dating sites and just keep a look out for people of inclination for lifetime education, or careers that might take precedent over starting a family?
A friend of mine once met a partner in Waterstones in the psychology/ philosophy section, I think (although they're not still together I'm afraid- he didn't want kids). So seriously, go hang out in the 'travel' section. You might be there a while, but you can take a book to read.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): I beg to differ... it is not creepy to do that. It is simply creative. Whatever... let the guy decide for himself how he feels about it... I'm the one who posted about doing that... and also about looking to other countries for dates... when there are few others like you out there you HAVE to get creative. Why is it creepy to know what you want and to go for it? I'm sure that there are women in his boat who would understand that you have to get creative to find people that also don't want children... whatever...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Okay, DO NOT make a flier about yourself and put it in a vet surgery. Dude, thats just creepy all over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Have you tried veterinary offices? A lot of people these days gets pets because they don't want kids. You should make up a flier about yourself, and leave it with the receptionist. SERIOUSLY. Get creative.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Ok, first of all you are NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT a freak. You are simply more rational than most human beings. It does not mean you're heartless however. How do I know this? Because I am a female who doesn't want children, never have never will. I still found someone to marry me - granted being a female I think I have an advantage here, because maybe it is the case that more guys than girls don't want children... maybe... not sure... I think that is changing as more and more women stand up and become assertive for what they really want out of life. Ironically, I'm the one that admantantly doesn't want kids, and HE'S the one that could swing either way, depending on the woman he's with. For me, not wanting children was very obvious even while I was still in high school, and I daresay even as a six year old looking forward to having children was not what I wanted to do... sure I played with dolls, but I knew it was playtime... the ironic thing however is that if I WERE to for some reason get handed a child in a basket on my doorstep, and could not find anyone to adopt it, I KNOW that I would treat it better than many mothers, I would end up sacrificing for it the way I end up sacrificing for everyone around me. This is one reason why I don't want kids. Cause I'm someone that gives too much to the people who find themselves in my life... but I'm also selfish and want time and energy and things for myself... so I draw the line at kids. I love cats, and I spoil cats, and I am a very emotional person, so I don't even want to know what would happen if I had human kids! I value my peace and quiet too. Bottomline I don't want kids, if I have a choice, and since I live in the 21st century and have birth control available, I DO HAVE a choice. I've been through a lot of emotional pain in life (had a difficult childhood and life up to this point am 28 years old now), that I am confident enough and strong enough through these experiences to tell anyone that wants to call me a FREAk to go f*** themselves and walk a mile in my shoes. As far as finding someone to be with... you will need to look online... there are probably websites for childfree dating. You may want to look for people in various countries not just your own, since the pool of people is smaller. You should also hang out in places where there are more likely to be educated women... the more education a woman has the more likely she is to not want children.... FACT.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): OP AGAIN!
Thanks, Cindy. I had looked for such dating sites and not found any. Not sure how useful it is - having just set up a profile, the more specific search function doesn't work and according to area, I am the only person here!!
q16 - I just don't have the gene or whatever that makes me feel parental and the thought of kids of any age living with me strikes fear into my heart. I adore my god daughter and spending time with her (she's 2) and her brother (5 and thinks I am fantastic) but a couple of hours really is my limit.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 babylessdating.com is an UK dating site only for people who are infertile or chose to not have children.
I understand your frustration but I guess that you'll have to come to terms that, undeniably, your availability of choises is restricted. As it happens to anyone having very specific requirements. If I live in a Catholic country but I only want to marry a Buddhist, I'll surely have less chances to find a partner. Which does not mean it cannot ever happen, just that I will have to put much more time, patience and persistence in my search.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): OP HERE. Hi Vintage. I have always been very upfront about it, as my first LTR broke up for just this reason. I know there are women out there who don't want children - it's where the hell you find them!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Women that don't want children are out there. I know a few couples that have been together 20 years plus and don't have or want children. I'm sorry I don't know how you meet them, i am afraid, your pool as you put it is going to shrink, but that's just the way it is. I would say when you meet someone, have the chat about wanting children as soon as you can.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Hello,
I am a female, who lives in England who is in her mid twenties who does not want children. I can have children, but I do not want children for many, many reasons. People like myself DO exist...but of course, its going to be hard to find as the majority of people do want children.
The only advice I can give you is to date, date and date some more. the more you date the more people you will get exposed to and one of them wil be a childfree woman. It seems hopeless but trust me, they are out there and they do exist.
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