A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a huge problem with my boyfriend's porn watching habbit. We've talked about it, and despite saying he'd never watch again, he still watches it every time I'm not home like I knew he would. But that's not EXACTLY why I'm upset. I feel super disturbed right now. Since this porn thing has really been tearing at my heart and I had never actually watched it, I wanted to see if I was over reacting. I was hoping that watching would ease some of the discomfort I had been feeling over the subject. So I clicked on one of the sites in the history(one of the ones he's been to) I figured, hey, why not "face my fear" so to speak. If I liked it, I might have less of a problem with him watching it. But the problem only grew worse...Let me just say that I am not intimidated by the way these girls look. That is NOT the reason I hate the idea of my boyfriend watching. To be honest(and not to brag) but I'm not that bad looking myself and I don't have any body image issues. I'm not even that intimidated by the fact that he's watching other girls naked. Yeah, it does piss me off. And I won't lie, it makes me feel a little cheated on, but that's not the main reason it upsets me. My main issue with porn is what I was looking to disprove when I decided to watch. That is that porn is absolutly, horribly degrading to women. I saw titles like "Blonde Slut gets f***** in hottub". And worse things like "Teen is beaten, drugged and raped". I understand that not ALL porn must be like this. But the majority of what I saw on the site MY boyfriend goes to is full of this crap. WTF?! So, this has me a bit worried. Not only for my boyfriend, but for women as well. If men continue to look at us this way sexually(something to take advantage of, objects, things to "fuck")then how will we ever truly be equal anywhere else in this world? They'll look at us like objects, even if it is subconciously. What worries me more is that my boyfriend, the person I trust most in the world, is choosing almost daily to buy into this disrespectful degrading behavior. It makes me afraid of what might really be behind his pretty eyes and nice smile. So, thoughts please. Please don't tell me how you believe there is nothing wrong with porn and that it's just fine blah blah blah. Because to me, it's not fine. And the sooner the world can rid of it(yeah right)the better off we'll be.
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female
reader, Kitty_Kat_Angel +, writes (14 August 2011):
I understand what you mean about some of porn sites having disturbing porn on. I am a female and I was curious what porn was actally like and whether I would actually like it or not and I thought this way I could judge whether it was wrong more too. The only site I went on was a free porn site where it seemed like people could upload their own porn videos. It sound like the site i saw is very similar to the one you described because I saw some videos that looked pretty normal but their were others titled things like you described. I am not sure if they were all acted (I assumed they were at the time) but since I have thought maybe ones where they claim the woman is drugged may not have been acted. That really concerned me and I never returned to the site again. I have though about it a few times since and I do think it is quite disturbing 1) the sites like this do not seem to moderated that well (removing illegal or harmful content) and 2) that the sites appear to be so popular (I guess cos they're free). I actually found some of the things on the site seemed quite disturbing.
I have come to the conclusion I am not against porn that is made by professionals who hopefully being treated fairly in the process. But I don't think anyone should use these free sites with videos such as the ones you described because there is a chance the video makers are exploiting and harming people and the sites are not monitored or doing enough to protect those in the videos.
Kt X
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 September 2010):
 Unfortunately whether what he's doing is right or wrong or whether or he should or shouldn't stop for your feelings, there's nothing illegal about what he's doing and you can't force him to stop. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you if you can't accept porn, a small majority of women can't either. If you really love him and really want to try to convince him, you should. Try asking him to go to counseling with you so that you two can talk somewhere where there's a moderator. Try buying some books on the subject to read together. One aimed primarily at men is Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity by Robert Jensen. It's very interesting for both of you to read. Unfortunately though, when it comes down to it, if he refuses to stop then you can't make him stop. You don't want to be with a guy who completely disregards your feelings anyways.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 mmm... thought about the smoking thing again.. sigh.. I will try harder to cut down, to smoke a bit less... maybe I won't give up... but heck, I can cut down a little bit right...
There, that's a compromise.. I'm trying..
Good luck, wishing you and your guy well... hoping you can meet in the middle somewhere that suits you both.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"What type of love is it when I am happy and he becomes sad.. I like the type of love where I'm thinking about your happiness as well as mine."
I wouldn't go as far as saying taking his porn away would make him sad...And if anything, his usage of porn makes me beyond sad.
I understand what you mean about the comprimising though. And I don't want to be controlling. But in all honestly, if I was the one watching porn and he hated it, I WOULD stop. Especially if I knew it hurt him this bad.
"I like a situation where either both people gain or both people loose. A compromise where I get what I want, but you loose something, that's not fair, and I wouldn't be comfortable with it"
I agree. But what about me? I'm looking at the outcome and only one of us can be the winner here. I'm trying to weigh out each side. His side:he can't watch porn. I'm hoping it's not that important to him that it would make him sad and very unhappy. My side:I feel physically ill when I think of the degrading awful things he's buying into. It hurts me very much and I lose sleep over this matter. Maybe it's wrong of me to think this way. Is that seriously selfish? Or is he selfish for not stopping? Like I said, I'd love to comprimise. I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend or make him resent me. I just want to feel as though he's not including himself in the dehumanization of women on the internet or disregarding my feelings about it. I don't want to feel cheated on anymore.
This is a very confusing issue...
Ah...I don't know. I suppose I'll just have to have another talk with him to get this all sorted out. Maybe the problem is me?
Thanks for all of the info and advice.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 September 2010):
"We've always been told to deal with it, to pretend it's not there." (original poster)
But that's the problem.. you can dislike pornography all you want, but if he likes it and refuses to stop, then you have few options. Remember, you want him to do something, you want him to change. He just has to refuse and there is little that you can do.
If your man refuses to give up looking at pornography, here are your options.
1. You can leave him
2. You can continue to show your dislike, you can argue and shout and cry every time you find him looking at porn. (this may also cause the man to get upset and leave you instead. It may or may not change his behaviour)
3. You can start to like porn yourself (You tried, it's not possible)
4. Have a "don't ask, don't tell policy" You can ask him to keep it a secret, never let you see any trace of it, and make it forbidden when your around
5. You can tear up his magazines, put a lock on his computer, sell his phone. or give up your life and continuously watch him.. (mmmm... many men will leave you if you do any of these things)
I don't know, what other ways do you know to get someone to stop doing something they like doing?
There are things you can do if you think you can compromise on the porn issue.
1) Start to look at pornography of handsome men with big dicks and use vibrators and sex toys to hopefully make him feel inadequate and jealous. He may feel as rejected as you feel and he may begin to understand your point.
2) Make home pornography, with you and your partner as the main actors. Some men find this more arousing than what the commercial/professional type. Please be careful however, it is easy for pictures or video's to end up on the internet and be broadcast to the whole world.
3) Have sex more frequently... may or may not work
4) Do more things outside as a couple. If he's not at home then he has less chance to watch it. Go out to parks, take up sports, tire him out so he will only have enough stamina for you and not for magazines.
5) Have more kinky interesting sex... different locations, different times, be adventurous and suprise him.. http://www.sexinfo101.com/ has tons of suggestions. He may be getting his fantasies satisfied through pornography as there are sex acts that he finds it hard to suggest to you.
6) Have a long, honest talk about what you think about sex, commitment and love. Try and understand the way he sees things, explain how you see things. Be honest about your fantasies, desires, dreams, taboos and things that you have done that you are ashamed off... Honesty in sex and love can bring you closer and make both of you understand each other better and compromises become a lot easier.
These things may or may not work. Unfortunately, you dislike something, he likes it. You may wish the world to work differently but it doesn't. You believe certain things about porn, he doesn't. These are only suggestions, but at the end it's your life, your choices, your relationship. Only you will know which thing I've suggested will work in your situation. Best to start by talking to him, not shouting, but telling him how you feel and why. Also listening to him and respecting his feelings about the issues. You need to see what you BOTH can do together to make the issue less of a problem. If you both can't agree, then it's best you separate and find people who share your values more closely.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (1 September 2010):
 unfortunately sweets, if you wish him to not look and try to stop him, he will more then likely see it as a form of control... You see, he wont think it should be an issue. He will think its your insecurity or something, trying to control him. Not that he should love you enough to stop doing it. Guys dont seem to think like that. I dont understand it either. It seems to me that if its going to cause a relationship to end, the guy should want to stop using it. Why would he choose porn and his own hand over a live woman? Who can love him and provide so much more then porn. But it seems that a guy would rather not have to give up porn (be controlled) then be in a loving relationship. I dont get it either. Thats my biggest problem. I hope you guys can work out a compromise, much better then losing the one you love. Try and ask if he'd be willing to not look at such things that upset you, or mayb cut back on the usage. Perhaps offer to watch with him (if you can) see what he actually looks at. Perhaps it wont be as bad as what you saw
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 September 2010):
That's the problem.. you decide that it's not important to someone, then you decide that they should give it up. As you have noticed, the world doesn't work like that. People do things that they want to do, they resent being forced, they also resent when people try to tell them what they like, dislike and want.
He already promised to give it up because you told him too.. That didn't work did it. He's better than me in this regard. If someone came into my life and told me to give up anything the first thing I'd give up is them. Because I've seen women controlled for so long, I resent anyone trying to control me.
However there are compromises that can be made. I smoke, I don't go out with a man who hates smoking. But if my partner suddenly goes off smoking and gives up himself, well then we got to do some compromising. Do I love ciggarets more than him. Well, that's blackmail. Anytime someone tries to judge my love or ask me to prove it, they are out the door. I don't believe that love means sacrifice or suffering, love brings extra good stuff into my life, it doesn't take things out that usually bring me pleasure. I also don't want to make my partner unhappy by removing things from him that bring him pleasure. What type of love is it when I am happy and he becomes sad.. I like the type of love where I'm thinking about your happiness as well as mine.
Back to the smoking example. Fair compromise. I smoke outside, wash my teeth after and eat chewing gum. That's as far as I will go. That's compromise, I'm not smoking in your presence. I am understanding and reacting to your needs. But I have my needs also and I'm not sacrificing you for me.
I like a situation where either both people gain or both people loose. A compromise where I get what I want, but you loose something, that's not fair, and I wouldn't be comfortable with it.
A lot of emotional blackmail and abuse of women starts with a man who says.. "if you loved me.. then you would... " If it's not fair for a man to do that to me, it's not fair for me to do it to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"IF YOU HATE PORNOGRAPHY, AND IT'S A DEAL BREAKER FOR YOU, THEN LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP."
Is this really the only option I have? Is porn really that important that he would allow me to let him go if he couldn't watch it anymore?
I believe men can control themselves when it comes to this issue. I believe that if they love their significant others enough, they can and will stop. I haven't given up on this problem with my boyfriend yet. I can't stop the porn industry. I can't stop other people from watching. But I am hoping that I can keep the relationship I have without having to deal with porn.
"Have you tried making videos of yourself for him to masturbate to?"
Honestly, yes. However, I don't feel comfortable about it.
I want to thank those of you who are being supportive. It's nice to hear other people say that just because I don't like porn, that doesn't make me insecure or crazy. We've always been told to deal with it, to pretend it's not there. We've been told it's just a fact of life and men with do it anyway so just be ok with it. "Get over it", is basically all I've heard. So thanks:)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 September 2010):
Regardless of whether there is a "need" to release (which isn't a need like water or food, it's healthy to have a release every 72 hours or so, which is how long it takes for the sperm to replenish or what have you. Sperm don't replenish faster if they ejaculate more) porn isn't a need. Porn and ejaculation have nothing to do with each other. If he absolutely needs to masturbate, then he can do so without porn. It's not a necessity to have porn. And like I said, sperm really only turn over every 48-72 hours so the supposed "need" is more a want. I mean you have sex dreams when you don't orgasm for a long time as well. Are you having regular sex? If you're not OK with porn, you need to let him know that. It doesn't sound like this is something you will ever be totally OK with and you shouldn't try to force yourself to be. That will just end badly. Have you tried making videos of yourself for him to masturbate to? That could be a good compromise so long as you keep them new and exciting. Just make sure you get some of him too so that he won't post them online or something if you two have a fight or break up.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 September 2010):
Babes, please go and join our porn discussion, where anti-porn, pro-porn, and don't mind are all talking.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
We are trying to find a way to compromise in discussion... but we do seem to have a bottom line. IF YOU HATE PORNOGRAPHY, AND IT'S A DEAL BREAKER FOR YOU, THEN LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP.
We humans have to find some way to get along, and together do what is necessary to find some ease with these difficult things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"the stuff on the internet now is not fluffy playboy material."
Far from it. Would it be strange for me to try and comprimise with him? Would it be strange if I told him I'm not ok with the stuff he's currently watching and ask him to switch to something a little less hardcore and degrading? I don't know. I feel guilty somehow about trying to take it away. If it's true what they say, that men really do have this biological need to "release", then I feel awful. But at the same time, this hurts way too much to be ok with it. I might be ok if he looked at something like playboy. For one, it's not an actual film. Two, I feel like it's far less dehumanizing towards women. Could be wrong. I haven't looked at playboy either. I'm just worried he's so far into this other crap that playboy wouldn't even be a comprimise and next to nothing compared to what he usually watches. I'm worried it wouldn't be good enough and he'd turn back to what he's watching now.
I want to comprimise. I really do. I like 50/50 in my relationships.It's just hard for me to find a way to comprimise in this case with out disregarding my own feelings.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 September 2010):
Please read "My secret Garden" by Nancy Friday. It may interest you to know that rape fantasy is also common with women. Like the BDSM scene, it may look hurtful and hateful, but often it's about issues of control and acceptance. Same stuff goes on in the female area of romance fiction, which is made and read mostly by women. Nancy Friday explains it much better than I ever could. Many people repress their desires and their sexual thoughts because they are terrified to be judged harshly. They find that pornography and erotic books gives them a way to express their feelings in a safe and healthy way. In a world full of guns, war, exploitation, oppression and competition, we are left with art and fiction which is not comfortable or fluffy.
Look at the women's magazines, men's magazines, or just the average action film. There's a lot of hatred also encoded in these things. Art and culture reflects the world we live in. Change the world and then the art and culture (including porn) will change.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 September 2010):
If you've already stated that porn has no place in your relationship and he continues to lie about it, then you have to just tell him that either he stops the porn or you'll leave. If he refuses to stop (which he probably will) then you have to find someone else. You can't force him to stop watching. And unfortunately it's a worrying growing trend in that the majority of porn aimed at men is incredibly degrading and getting more so. Any woman who accepts her partner watching has to accept that he is watching degrading porn. A larger portion than most people want to admit is rape porn. It makes up a fairly large portion (relatively) of the market (rape porn includes in my mind anything where the subject is women gets ___ until she ____ and that second blank isn't orgasms). So he's not unusual. But if you can't accept porn, you'll have to break up with him and find someone else. Since he's already shown some serious disrespect for you as a person and for your feelings, I'd suggest you move on now and find someone who will be more honest.
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female
reader, smiliek +, writes (31 August 2010):
Just because the site your bf goes on has those kinda titles and things on it, doesnt mean he'd watch it. Most sites have that kinda thing, they cater to all and any fantasies ppl may have. Sick or not. The site my fiance looks at has gross stuff on it too, he goes past anything like that to simply watch blowjobs or something that we'd actually do in the bedroom. Do you know that your bf actually looked at those titles? If they were just on the site he might not watch that kinda thing. If he isn't actually addicted to porn, then he is more then likely only looking at the more 'normal' stuff. I'd address his lying to you also. Lies make trust very difficult, and without trust relationships are hard to sustain. Try and explain that its not that he watches porn, its that he lies. Otherwise he'll just keep lying and hiding. If you cant accept porn in a relationship, you may have to find someone with similar values. You cant change anyone else, if your bf uses it he wont stop because you dont like it. That doesnt mean he's addicted, its simply guys dont view watching porn as a problem. Does he still choose you over porn? (wants to do stuff with you more then watching that) It just depends what you will and wont accept. Porn wont be going away, i just hope it doesnt get worse.... Good luck
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (31 August 2010):
 Thanks for telling us what you don't want to hear ... that's useful...
Degrading porn is growing in its popularity. That doesn't make it right, but that is the industry trend. You don't have trouble accept it in your relationship, but just because he watched that doesn't mean he objectifies women. How he acts is who he is. The lying is a bigger issue than what gets him off. Porn is fantasy for the person watching it. It can become a problem when he can no longer separate fantasy from reality. Address the lying first. See where that takes you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2010): I'm sorry that you and so many other women have to deal with this :( I especially hate when women are told that not liking porn means you have security issues and they believe it and try to "get over it". There is no getting over it if you see the truth, it's like trying to convince someone to believe in a lie. I too have a hard time knowing the man I love gets turned on by watching women being treated horribly...the stuff on the internet now is not fluffy playboy material.What's even more disturbing is when men get addicted to porn and lose their ability and interest in real women. That is sad for both the addict and their partner.Women need to know that it's ok not to like porn, that it doesn't mean you are insecure if you object to it in your relationship. Young men need to know there is a very real danger with early exposure and frquent use of porn, that you may become desensitized to what you view and that you can develop a dependance on this stuff. It's like smoking in the 60's ..... People don't know the full truth about the harmfull affects and when they find out, it may be too late :(Porn is not going away, what is needed is information....the truth about porn
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female
reader, FluffyPie +, writes (31 August 2010):
 I think you're worried over nothing. Plus, he's a MAN, of course he's watching the most perverted porn :). As long as he's loving and caring towards you, you have NOTHING to worry about. Maybe he has some creepy fantasies and that's all. My boyfriend watches porn a lot and has some quite weird fetishes, like enema, or strait jacket on girls, he's also into BDSM and I told him that, even if I'd do anything to make him happy, try to fulfill his fantasies as much as I can and want, as long as he keeps them just to himself, will be OK. I accept to be tied up, but nothing more - no physical pain or anything. Don't worry, as a man, he's probably seeing you as a piece of sexual meat too. But as long as you're with him, means that he made you love him and you developed feelings for each other, which means he LOVES you.
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