A
female
age
41-50,
galfrend
writes:the first time a guy beats you up is definitely not the last.l was in the most abusive relationship with a guy whom l thought loved me.well news flash he did not.he slapped me once and later on said that he was sorry and l believed him. l should have left but l though it was the first and last.I've always been against the abuse of women and l would get angry with my friend every time she told me that her man had beaten her up.l thought it was easy to get out of an abuser's clutches.l learnt the tragic way because l lost sight in my left eye after one of his brutal beatings.l even had an operation done to my eye but barely a month later my head was under his foot even though he had promised never to do it again.l was so terrified that he was going to damage my right eye this was the first time l screamed for help.this is when my family intervened and convinced me to leave this man.l had made the decision to leave but l was not strong enough.it seemed such a simple task, but l could not bare life without him so a part of me still wanted to stay.its been a month since l kicked him out of my flat (yes he had moved in with me sleeping on my bed,using my utensils).l wanted to report him to the police but the goodness that it fortunately still in me asks me what l will gain from this.he can go to jail but he still has got all his body parts in tact.he damaged my retina so l will never have 100% sight back.it hurts me a lot sometimes.l am angry at myself for allowing this man to control my life the way he did.he was insanely jealous.at first l kind of liked it because l thought it was love.now l realize that there is an acceptable amount of jealousy that every human being in a relationship should feel.it becomes abnormal when you have to explain your every move and are no longer allowed to talk to anyone of the opposite sex.I'm still in the process of mending my broken relationship with my family.they had become the enemy.every time they highlighted his bad behavior and manipulation l would go on the defensive.l hope that l heal.l know that it will take time but l believe l will get there.l will never get angry with anyone in an abusive relationship. l will try to help with whatever l can.to all the guys out there please break the cycle of abuse.when you are angry and nothing else seems to resolve whatever problem you might be facing with your woman rather walk away.to woman if he does it once he will do it again and you might not be so lucky to walk out alive.if you love him so much that you cant leave at least try to get him into therapy (professional).if he doesnt want therapy PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE.if not for yourself then let it be for your children.
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male
reader, Ignacio ramos  +, writes (25 September 2010):
guys who abuse women are punks i hear this a lot from women i love him and need him newsflash want is it going to take for you dam women to start fighting back you women dont need this dam crap pack your shit and get the hell out and dont look back and say this out loud all men are fucking pigs. I know this as a young boy at the age of 10 years old my mom had this boyfrined one time my mom was talking to my grandma on the phone this guy came home from work for no reson he punched my mom in the face my mom got so pisst off she came back fighting back with a baseball bat that she kept under the bed she beat the holy crap of him broke his arms and his legs and she gave him a good hard kick to his nuts with steel tow boots. Its time for women to fight back
A
male
reader, Ages +, writes (2 September 2010):
No amount of money he has can ever amount to the value of the respect and dignity you deserve. You already made the right decision by breaking away from this abusive relationship. Stay strong and continue focusing on healing and building strong relationships with your family.
I come from a broken family that when I was young always looked like an exemplary family. I never realized how beautiful and safe a healthy family can and should be. As I got older it seemed that my parents barely got along together and even my dog (small black/white boston terrior named Oreo) would take refuge under my bed when they were arguing. I understood this was not right, but I wonder if I ever really felt that this was not normal or that there could and should be better.
After recently graduating from a 6 month personal development class I have developed a new perspective on life and have fueled hope for my future. I want you to know that there are men out there who are willing and eager to be the best husband/father they can be and will do whatever it takes to make sure they are healthy and mature.
I would actually recommend filing charges. What he did to you was serious. He will do this to someone else. He needs to work through his own insecurities and pains and mature. The course I went though has had very profound success in this area. Check out: http://lifeskillsintl.org/
look for information about the "Phase One course"
I wanted to throw this option out there for you. If you get a chance, watch the movie of the founder of life skills Paul Hegstrom's story "Unforgivable". You may be able to relate to it more then anyone should. The beautiful part of this story is that it has not ended. The effects of Pauls commitment to healing and growing continue to touch lives around the world, including recently mine. This is not a casual class, it will challenge any persons core values and demands the very best out of everyone who takes it. It is inspiring and empowering, but it goes right to very core of the issue and can be emotionally draining at times. I would recommend legally forcing him into a course like this if at all possible. As a victim, if you took it yourself it would empower you to heal, grow and build a healthy future with a healthy mature gentleman.
I can not begin to tell you how this will change my life after taking it at 22 years of age. All I can say is that I am glad that I am the one who will break the family cycle of handing down abuse and broken families. In fact in similar words and in near tears my mother recently said the same thing to me.
Remember, it was in no way your fault that you were abused. You are a valuable person and fully deserve to have only loving, healthy and respectful relationships. Your family cares about you, which is why they ran to help as soon as you asked for it, and that they just want you to be safe and happy. Sometimes abusive men can be really bad, but they can also be really nice (and generous) at other times, don't be fooled. Never give up, keep focusing on healing and you will get where you are already going. There are tons of healthy men out there and you are worth that kind of healthy relationship. Keep those you trust close, you never have to go alone. The best friend is the kind who are willing to occasionally just listen so you can be heard and validated.
Sincerly,
Peter A. Neerdaels
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A
female
reader, galfrend +, writes (1 September 2010):
galfrend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit so hard to get over an abuser.l still find myself wanting him back but l dont think its love.l think its just like a bad habit(drugs ).you fully understand how bad something is but you still want it.l don't even want to think or accept that he is probably seeing someone else again.the pain is too much.one day l am fine the next day l am filled with panic and fear.l want to have him arrested but l have doubts.he called the other day and promised to take care of me financially to make up for what he did but a part of me just wants to cut off all contact so that l can start afresh with a clear head.
l have a feeling that he is afraid of the police which is why he is being so generous with his money but after a long period of time he knows the case wont hold much then he will stop the offers and his true colours will resurface.
the question is if l have all these facts why cant l make the right decision.somebody help
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A
female
reader, galfrend +, writes (1 September 2010):
galfrend is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks sweetheart.you r wise beyond your age.hope you grow up with that mindset and never man to destroy you.
love
galfrend
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A
female
reader, XMissBeautifulLiarX  +, writes (31 August 2010):
You are a very brave woman. I can't even imagine the way you must have felt, but I understand that it is so easy to fall in love with someone. The man must have been very insecure and maybe he should have counselling for either his insecurity or anger managment. Nobody deserves to go through what you did. At least you can learn from your mistakes. I'm sure your family would be able to understand that you defended him because you loved him and you truly DID believe him when he said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again. The man likes to be in control, but it seems to me that he treated you as a possesstion. Sorry, I can't spell, I'm only 13 x
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