A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ve been with my bf for almost 10 years now. I've never had any issues, and never even had a slight suspicion that he would do anything he's not supposed to, and never had trust issues with him (maybe I'm too naive?) one thing always peeved me off was he wouldn't share his email password (I only needed it for practical reasons not for snooping), but it didn't bother me too much due to the above reason. FYI we are working towards marriage, he has met my mum and asked for my hand in marriage, so I guess we're engaged? Recently I asked for his email because he asked me to submit an application for him. And I guess people don't use email much now for personal reasons as it's all about whatsapp etc so this explains why he gave it to me and the below incident probably slipped his mind. I was looking for his CV in the sent box and I came across some disturbing emails from 2011 - we were in our very early 20s but very serious - we had been together for 4 years at this point. I saw emails where he was trying to hook up with other girls / women and "sexting" with them. Now my question is, given the length of time should I be concerned? I am trying to reason with myself and try to reassure myself that he was very young and had raging hormones. Should I address it and if so, how? Because I don't want to look like a snoop! Very confused! Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2017): It is really annoying to read some of the answers here, about snooping.
I would be really worried if I were you. You did not detect anything going on at the time, maybe you will not detect anything he`s doing nowadays.
25 years old is not that young, he was a young man. It is a long time ago, but I would really be worried if he has something going on now. These days a lot of communication is through different apps. If you got the chance, check out his phone. Wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2017): Okay, lets do the math. Above your post, the age-group given is between 22-25. So if he is around your age, 10 years ago both of you would be somewhere between 12 and 15. He would have been a teenager, only six years ago. Approximately 18-19; even if he is about 25 now.
Ten years together means you've grown-up together. I met my partner of 28 years when we were only 17. He is deceased now; but as I recall, we made some bad decisions back then. As we grew older, we became wiser and learned to use better judgement. He slipped and cheated when we were about 22; but we got through it. It lasted from then for yet another 23 years.
It took some work to rebuild trust; but our relationship was wonderful. It was strong. He was one of the most loving people I've ever known. As far as I know, he remained loyal and faithful to me; until cancer took his life.
If you have no evidence or suspicion as of the last six years; what you have now is the new and improved version of an adolescent boy. At that time, he was not your husband; but he has now grown into a man. He has remained with you all this time; when he could have followed his hormones and dated other females. According to his age at the time, he should have. That's when you should get it out of your system. You should date more people in your teens to early 20's. So you'll have more experience with personality-types; and would have tested a few different-relationships to know yourself, and your best match. I suppose he knows now.
To ask you to marry him, means he takes your relationship more seriously; and he feels he is able to fully-commit to you.
There are no guarantees in life, and there is always risk. You have a longstanding history together; so I guess you have to go by that. I assume you have little experience with other males; so who's to say you couldn't be tempted? If you do have a lot of experience with boys apart from him, how should he judge you?
Retro-jealousy is sometimes hard to get past. If you don't feel secure and you can't get it out of your head; postpone the wedding. Take as much time as you need to get over this. Do not go into marriage with any doubt in your heart. Distrust or suspicion will make marriage a living hell for both of you.
Now that I'm older and wiser; I can make more thoughtful choices. I hold myself, and my partners more accountable for our actions and decisions. I am in a current relationship, and cheating is no longer tolerated. We are past the stage of games and foolishness. So if I cheat, I'm out on my ass; and if he does, he'll hit the curb so hard, the pain will ripple through his whole family. Breakup will occur on a single-offense. He's been more hurt by it, than I have.
I'll forgive him; because he's a good person. I can forgive him; but he isn't a kid anymore, and he knows the consequences of his actions. We both also know the value of trust. He was cheated on many times before he met me; and I realize how much trust he must have in me. So his love and trust means way too much for me to betray it. Cheating would be cause to end it. Only because we are much older, and have to place a higher value on our faithfulness and loyalty. It substantiates our love for each other. We're veterans!
Your fiance has chosen you as his one and only. Had you not snooped; everything would have been based on how good things have been for the past ten years. He had faults that required more time and experience to correct.
I would keep what you know under wraps. Don't make snooping a habit. Don't marry a man you cannot trust.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2017): I think that you are treading on dangerous ground, by snooping at your boyfriends private emails. I believe that relationships are built on trust, that is something that you should honour this.The question that you should ask yourself is Do I want this relationship to last?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 August 2017):
 Let's forget the snooping for a moment.Now tell me, what exactly do you plan to do. You either confront him or you don't.If you don't then you won't ever live in peace so you'll most likely ask him.He might deny at first but he has to accept ultimately.Let's cut out all the drama and accept that he cheated and now you know.
So it's your decision.Can you trust him? He'll do the drill, beg for forgiveness, blah blah... But what does your heart tell you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2017): You are a "snoop" in a sense but I don't think what you did was wrong per say. It's like saying, if you see your significant other outside after they told you they are at home, you're supposed to close your eyes? No.
I don't think you can let this go now that you've seen those messages, just be honest about the situation without worrying about looking like snoop and deal with the situation, there's no point making up stories in your head.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 August 2017):
 What he did back then, four years into the relationship was totally wrong! Had you confronted him back then it would be a different story? Now you must look at how he treats you today, in the present moment to get past his blundering days.
Since then do his actions prove he’s matured, trust worthy, is he loyal, gives you emotional security and committed to you 100% in the NOW?
Basically when you unearth discover a person’s private deals such as these emails etc. you have the choice to lock it away into your memory bank and keep it there as a reminder of how love is blind, how naive we can be to think our boyfriend don’t get the wandering eye, as they too are vulnerable to stupidity.
Just keep in mind (some not all) men are born with a stupidity gene? While (some) women are born with blinkers to pardon, ignore (red flags), inappropriate behaviour?
My focus would be; how does he treat you in the NOW... without getting overly suspicious and analytical?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 August 2017):
 But you ARE a snoop, which is why you've been after his email password all this time, and which is why you went poking around his account.
You can't in-see what you saw. Raging hormones is a myth. If he needed that badly to hop into bed with other women he should have remained single. There is no brain chemical that stops him from doing that.
Before approaching him with this, figure out first what it is you want to accomplish. Are you thinking of ending it? Or do you just want him to admit and apologize?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (5 August 2017):
 But you ARE a snoop! Do you honestly think people are going to believe you just "came across" these emails from 6 years ago? Even if you did, you could have left them unread, but you didn't.
People who snoop tend to unearth something unexpected, as you have. Now you have the dilemma of what to do about what you have seen because it is not possible to unsee it.
If the dog shit doesn't smell, don't poke it. You could have been happily oblivious to this if you hadn't been poking your nose into your boyfriend's private mail. He has either forgotten about all that or he trusted you not to read it. Only you can decide what you want to do about it.
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