A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop my boyfriend from going into porn and the chatting sites? He says he loves me but then again his talking dirty to all this women and lying to them.
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female
reader, Just.me  +, writes (6 March 2008):
Oh honey.... I think that you have probably expressed your feelings towards his chosen behavior.
He has chosen to ignore your feelings and continues to do what he pleases. That is what selfishness is.
You can stand on your head and hold your breath for days, but I don't think that he will get it.
I had a boyfriend that would go onto sites because he was "bored".... I can't tell you how your story has similarities to my previous relationship. He was a charmer and seemed sincere with his response, he would say the right things and I ate it up. His actions proved otherwise.
There is NO reason why a man should be on those sites.... if he is a committed relationship. He should be able to anticipate what might upset you. He doesn't care. Please don't ignore the way you feel and STOP making excuses for him, listen to your gut.
I KNOW you love him but you deserve a man that will make you feel like you are the only one for him. When is he going to grow up?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, ladies please advice what should i say to him or how should i say it. where he understand where coming from. I really need help on this. and again thank you all for your response its been a great help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): If your boyfriend is lying to women on online sites you need to acknowledge that he is a liar... meaning he is lying to you too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): I agree with Fade. You are in denial, hun...bigtime. Don't be so quick to let his poor behaviors be explained away by his boredom. On average, adults don't usually cheat, when they are simply bored. Many of them find "non-sexual" constructive thing to to fight off boredom. C'mon. He's loving this. And his ego is loving it too. This is so wrong-he is basically cheating right under your nose. It has astounded me how the onset of internet has turned seemingly normal people into empty 'cyber sex' lecherous, uncaring fools. Men and women both. The crazy thing is these people just happen to stumble into it and they get compulsive about it. The big hook is the anonymity of online interactions only serves to increase the likelihood of this type of addictive behavior. Not to mention the convenience of doing this from the office or home..
This has all the insidious red flags of a internet sexual addiction because if all his 'down' time at work or home is just blatantly sitting at a computer 'playing sexually' with other females, with no conscience or guilt for what it's doing to you---I'd say you have problematic, messed up bf there. With his online/sexual/cybersex activites, three very startling, disturbing things occcur, if they haven't already.
Firstly, you will start feeling neglected, saddened and overlooked, if you haven't already. Secondly, he's sharing intimate sexual details with an outside person, he should only sharing 'only' with you and thirdly, you are watching his focus increasingly, switch from your own loving relationship to one with some online person.
The biggest argument, some men/women use who are involved in cybersex, is that these cybersex partners are not real nor important to them. But I disagree. It can spill over into your real life-all he has to do is agree to meet one of these women in his hometown area. And believe me, it does happen. It could be a matter of time-and they could decide to take it a step further and meet. Whether your bf is messing around, online or is out messing around in real life, the situations are very similar. Remember this is your bf’s behaviour and his concious, adult, clear-cut choice to do this. Don't accept his bad behaviour and allow yourself to be burdened with misplaced guilt and low self-esteem. Constant nagging and recriminations will just serve the purpose of making his online partners appear more attractive. Never, ever allow your partner minimize your feelings of anger and jealousy by insisting that you are overreacting. Make him responsible and accountable for what he's doing to the core of trust and respect in this relationship. If you can see yourself tolerating this-then I've said my peace.
But if can't stand for this..then either get him some serious help for his sexual problem or drop him before he drags you down under his rock, any further. Just for the record, it might be good for you to know some of the signs of an addiction of this sort: Is he routinely spending a lot of his spare time in chat rooms and private messaging with the sole purpose of finding cybersex? Does he appear to be anticipating his next chat session in order to find sexual self gratification? Does he masturbate during these sessions? Is there a considerably less involvement with you, his real-life sexual partner? Are you and him engaging in sex/making love on a regular basis. or is he preferring online/cybersex as his primary form of sexual gratification. If you answered yes, to just a couple of those questions, then he's acting out compulsivelyand in avery unhealthy way. He definitely will need counseling and he will need to go 'cold turkey' and stay away from the internet and computers. This will the only way...or his addiction will take you both down. Set those tough boundaries and get him some help.Take care, dear and be strong.
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A
female
reader, Miss-Blonde  +, writes (4 March 2008):
tell him how you feel and hopefully all will go well.
My boyfriend always does the "if you really love me you will..." im not saying you HAVE to do it because it might make things worse but its an idea
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your advice. You are the best. And yes your right I did talk to him about and he says that he gets bored at work so he goes to kill time and just b.s. But when he comes home is to be with me. I did explained to him that it does make me feel uncomfortable and i didn't like. He said that all he is doing just killing time.
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A
female
reader, pinksuze +, writes (4 March 2008):
You can't stop him. You can tell him you don't like doing it and ask him not to, but ultimately you can't stop him. You need to think through whether you can handle him doing this or not. If he's not being physically unfaithful then maybe you could, but if it really upsets you, you need to see whether he responds to your request that he stops this behaviour. If he does, all well and good but if he doesn't that's a whole different ballgame. For a start, you'd have to decide whether you could find a way to cope with him doing it, it may feel to you exactly the same as if he was being physically unfaithful. And another issue then would be his refusal to take on board your point of view and act on it, and it would become a question of whether you feel he respects you or not. And whether you want to continue in a relationship with somebody who clearly disrespects other women by lying to them.
And, by the way, many many "women" who chat online are actually men who get a thrill out of talking dirty to other men!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you for your response. Ok but now what should I in re: this sites he goes into?
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