A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for over 4 years, we were together for 4 years before we got married. Across our marriage we have the normal peeks and valleys but i have always trusted him 100% in regards to being faithful to me. We still have good sex not as much as we should but it is still great, we have the same friends, love each other's families and talk about our future kids. The only thing i can admit to is I do feel like we have been lazy with our marriage. We are in a routine of coming home, working out, dinner watching TV and bed and soemtimes we get too involved in emailing or TV we hardly talk. But this was nothing that would have sent me alarming signals. One night he had fallen asleep and he got a phone text. I checked the phone text and saw it was nothing but then I saw a whole bunch of texts from another girl. Across the past couple of weeks there were mutiple texts from a girl in his office. She would comment on his lips tell him she wanted to kiss them feel them on her neck and he would just reply oh really or glad you approve of them. She also said something about taking advantgae of him and he said can't wait. Then the last one has him telling her she is beautiful. I freaked out when i saw this and woke him up. I yelled, cried and told him it was over. I was so upset he said he was not having an affair but he was flirting via text becuase it gave him an ego boost and this girl also had some inside connections to get him fball tickets...he is obssessed. I told him i did not know whether i believed him or not and said I did not know if I could go on with him. He started crying and swore up and done he did not have physical relationship and he knows what he did is wrong. He said he just liked the ego boost but knows it was no excuse. he swears they never even touched. I also called the girl and confronted her and she got really scared and swore up and down nothing happened they were just play texting....and she also said i am right to be upset it is inappropriate and will not contact him anymore. I think I believe them but I am very depressed and feel like everything has changed. I ahve decided to go to couples counciling. I figure we need to find out why he felt the need to flirt with another woman. He says I am the love of his life and he cannot picture his life without me. He admits he has really screwed up and said he will do anything to win my trust back. I still cannot help question if something did happen. the two people i have confided in about this were shocked and said they would have never even guessed he would have flirted with another girl and they think he is telling the truth. Also the only time he could even had time to have an affair is during work so i do not think that would have happened. He always comes straight home. So I feel there was no physical relationship but I am so paranoid and distrusting. All over texting.....do you think I am taking the right steps? Am I being nieve and not seeing warning signs? Or did I catch a slight wrong turn in time? Just wondering if anyone has ever experienced something like this before....i am so upset and depressed and love my husband with all my heart and cannot picture my life without him but this incident has just really turned my world upside down. Looking for advice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): I am actually going through the exact same thing right now. My husband came home early from work and I seen he had a text that said u at school? I didn't recognize the number and he said he didn't know it so the next day I looked up on our cell phone bill and it had this number texted over and over. He finally broke down and told me it was this girl he worked with and they just talk because he is bored at work. This girl also has been linked to another co-worker that was married so I don't trust her. I don't know what to do either
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2009): That is terrible and I know the pain, I found my wife was doing the exact same thing to me. My wife and this other putts were texting over hundres of times a month, and calling each other. They both swear it was innocent flirting but I feel horrible resentment against my wife for wanting any time with another man... it pisses me off actually. Although I am still together with her and this happened a couple of months ago and she has stopped communication with this guy, but at times I will think about it and it nearly kills me. I get angry at her and want to ask questions she has already answered, but the whole deceit thing shows either she can never be trusted, or I am over reacting. The point is they lied, hid the friendship and both swear it was nothing but flirt sometimes. To this day I will never know if I got sloppy seconds or was simply not the man I needed to be, but one more strike she’s out.
To make a long story short, they could have put that time into their own relationship to make it exciting and try to keep it real and stay faithful. What I believe they felt did it because they liked it, with no regard for feelings from person like you or me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): I have been dating a gentleman for a year. We do everything together. But, recently I found some "you are so beautiful" and "when are you coming to town" messages to other women. I was devastated! I throw it in his face at every turn and am just as clueless as you regarding to how to get over this. I am made to feel that I have some type of emotional problem because it has been difficult for me. I don’t have the answers but at least I know after reading your entry, that mistrust and heartbroken feelings are normal for a person in my position. -
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A
female
reader, goodwoman  +, writes (25 August 2009):
Your husband cheated on you. He used his phone to do it. Is it less cheating because the relationship didn't get physical? He cheated, he broke your bond of trust. Can you forgive him and move on with your marriage....this is the question. Trying to understand his rational is pointless. If not one thing, he would point to another. Anything for damage control. He says he did it for an ego boost. Well, I am sure you could use an ego boost too. Would he be as open and understanding if you sleeked around with some other guy? Would he want to sleep with you then? Would he trust you as before? I strongly urge you to follow through with marriage counseling. Once trust is broken it is difficult to mend. You would not be the first woman who thought they had a solid marriage and discovered her man was untrustworthy. The fact that your world is turned upside down should be a big wake-up call for you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life. Gee, honey, it was nothing really...just a little bit of an ego boost, that's all? Some of the nicest guys do the stupidest things. Was this stupidity, does he really want to be married to you. Go to counseling and find out. If not, move on, don't waste anymore time with a man that would have so little respect for himself let alone his wife. You may want to let him know that having an affair (even if it was just texting) with a co-worker is asking for trouble in the workplace. This would not be the first time either that a jilted co-worker cries sexual harassment and your husband will not only be looking to save his marriage but looking for a new place of empolyment as well since he could and would be terminated.
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A
female
reader, scrambled brain  +, writes (25 August 2009):
OMG, This is a carbon copy of what happened to me (you may have read some of my posts). I read his phone one night and discovered loving texts rather than flirty (which in a way was worse) between him and a colleague who worked at a different practice but he was helping out due to problems with her boss being off ill. We were going through a very unloving spell due to what I now believe to be the menopause. Next day we had a heart to heart and he said he'd never loved anyone else etc etc. and I assumed it would stop. Wrong!!! Just over a month later he carelessly left on some texts the day before our anniversary and 2 days before our hols. Now there was flirting and her saying she'd miss him and felt guily leading him on as they'd done nothing YET!!!!! He replied 'I told you I'd wait, it somehow makes it more exciting'. Again I ran upstairs to confront him and he broke down and swore he'd been a stupid old man etc etc. He grovelled and swore undying love and our hols went as well as could be expected in the circumstances. I insisted on seeing his phone bills from then on, to which he agreed but refused to show me the ones from the previous 2 months. Several times I asked him if he had another secret phone and he made me feel like an idiot until.......8 months later he slipped up by texting a smutty joke from his proper mobile to his secret one to then forward to her so her number wouldn't appear on the bill he showed me. I rang the unknown number and surprise, surprise, he answered and was in shock. I rang her at work immediately and she said they were just friends and answered some of my questions (truthfully? who knows?). My husband was so devastated that he didn't go to the golf day out he should have been leaving for shortly and when I came home he grovelled again. I insisted on seeing the phone bills he wouldn't show me before and found out why. Hundreds of texts and daily phone calls after work of up to one hour, sometimes weekends too. It was an emotional affair but at least I'd read her text they'd done nothing yet at that stage. He insisted the secret phone was necessary because he had to keep in touch due to the ongoing work problems and it was all business and general chat and ther'd been no smut or flirting since our hols. I only have his word for this of course. Anyway, after my talk with her and texts to her I think it has definately stopped and on my insistence he's resigned from a committee they were both on to avoid meeting her. She said she'd told her husband everything which I hardly believe!!! Over a year later and we are still plodding on. Like you, he is the love of my life and I'm sure I am of his. Like you we couldn't live without each other. We've both been ill and lost loads of weight over all this and had numerous arguments because I keep bringing it up. I am and always will be devastated. The trust is gone for ever. I think that by contacting her straight away as you have done, you have nipped it in the bud. I wish to god I'd done that but he threatened I might regret it if I did. I think part of that is because her husband would have then been involved plus he was enjoying his randy little fling. Anyway, as a result he had several more cosy months with her and pulled the wool over my eyes big time. A few weeks ago he had to swap his sim card to his previous phone as his current one was playing up and when I snooped at it, some texts appeared from the height of their 'affair' (they must have been stored on the old phone all that time). One called her a 'dirty little minx' (surprise, surprise he can't remember why) and another said 'morning gorgeous' and another said she was sat outside his practice!! He has also confessed they sometimes met in the park at lunchtime (he'd denied that for ages but came clean when he had to grovel). I am still living the nightmare and always will although he constantly declares undying love and treats me like a princess and we have recaptured the passionate love we nearly lost. As I say, it sounds like you've nipped it in the bud and she's probably terrified (is she married?) but I would never drop my guard if I were you. Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Sphronas +, writes (25 August 2009):
 You have already diagnosed the problem yourself: your marriage has settled into a dull routine and clearly this has let to feelings of inadequacy on the part of your husband. If you want to save this relationship, you need to work actively on making your marriage exciting again for both of you. Break the routine, try out new things together, talk to each other more, and rebuild your physical relationship (sex should not just be "good", it should be "great" especially in a marriage!).What your husband did was a massive breach of trust, but no permanent damage has been done. In a sense, you should be glad that this happened, as it will force both of you to start working on your relationship to make it whole again. It sounds as though you both still love each other, so I am sure that things will turn out good -- no, GREAT -- in the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): firstly take a deep breath.think calmly and be wise. the good thing is that you want couples counselling.don't be a fool thinking that nothing can be happening at his work. most of the affairs take place during working hours and with co workers. just had to tell you this bit of info.maybe you just caught this flirting in time. only him and this other girl knows what really transpired. you need to tell him you have a difficult time believeing him and also trsuting him. he broke this trust. and he knows it. either he is a very good liar or this did not get sexual (yet).you may love him to bits but you have realised that there is an intruder in your marriage and yu have taken steps to rectfy it. you have handled this well thus far, but you still have plenty of work to do in your marriage. ego boost or no ego boost, the texting, flirting and EMAILS have to stop. be aware that he may have used other means to communicate his availability to this girl. check his email, unfortunately you do not have access to his work email. you are going through the motions of finding out your loved one "cheated" on you. you are hurting and you are mourning the loss of trust in your marriage. your husband has a lot to make up for. good that you investigated what he has been up to.
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