A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years. This is my first relationship, I’ve known that she was the one since I first laid eyes on her, and I plan to propose after we finish college. Last night, I cheated on her. I went over to a friend’s (we’ll call him George) apartment with the intention to play video games and get drunk. When I got there, he asked if it was ok if his girlfriend (call her Sue) could come over too. Not exactly what I had in mind, but why not? So she comes over and we all got extremely drunk. Far more drunk than I had any business being. All three of us ended up in his room, on his bed. The George and I were playing a game. After a few minutes they started messing around. I was completely oblivious, or maybe just too drunk to care. Certainly too drunk to think that I should get the hell out of the room. Anyway, out of the blue Sue reached over and put her hands in my pants. Why didn’t I get the fuck out of there then? I was fucking stupid. Granted, it didn’t help that I was mentally unprepared and drunk, but I realize that these are just excuses. Anyway, within seconds her hands are all over me, unbuttoning things, and before I know it I’m being pulled in bed with the two of them and I'm just going with it. I don’t remember the specifics of what happened next, but I do know that I had sex with her. I passed out later, and basically woke up crying. I cried on the way home, I cried when I told my mom. I feel like a complete piece of shit scumbag. I can’t believe that I hurt my girlfriend, the nicest most caring person in my life, for 45 minutes of sloppy drunk sex with a girl I cared nothing about. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to hurt her. Part of me wants to tell her because it feels like the “right” thing to do, and because I feel guilty as hell. On the other hand, I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend. You can choose to believe this or not, but this was a one-time deal. This just isn’t who I am. It was just such a weird and unexpected situation, and it happened so fast. I’ve learned that I can’t handle alcohol responsibly, so that won’t be an issue in the future. I’m not looking for sympathy. God knows I’m not likely to get it. What I did was wrong and selfish and stupid. Again, part of me thinks I should tell her and take whatever comes, whether that’s a breakup or shattered trust or whatever else. But part of me thinks that this is something that I did, so I should have to live with the guilt without emotionally devastating someone who has done nothing wrong.
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a break, drunk, video games Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): If you don't tell her then you will feel unworthy and guilty every time she says how much she loves you from now on. This is something that is going to continue to affect you regardless if you tell her or not. That means it will indirectly affect her regardless if you tell her or not.
When you tell her, it might help to show her this Q/A page on Dearcupid. A lot of emotion came through in your question. It is also long on explanation of the situation and short on the details of the sex itself, which is the right set of things to tell her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): I have no idea what your relationship with your girlfriend is like, but when I cheated on my boyfriend, and then told him, he was angry but he told me he loved me and could never leave.I guess if she loves you she'll stay.But it's completely your choice, she'll be really hurt if you tell her, but not as hurt as if you don't tell her and she finds out from someone else.If she asks direct questions, tell the truth.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): you will hurt her more if you do not tell her.
are you sure you did not have sex with George too? what will George say about you having sex with his gf as well? where was Goerge when you had sex with his gf?
for a "drunk" man, 45 minutes of sex is out of this world. you wasn't that drunk it seems.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Although you do sound sincere..... How did you end up in your mates bed with him and his girlfriend innocently? I can't imagine my boyfriends mates letting him sleep in the same bed as him and his girlfriend or Visa Versa? Thats just wierd.. Unless there was an indication as to what may happen....
If you don't tell her the guilt will out and the more time you leave it the worse it gets.. What happens if you end up getting married to this girl and this lie is still hanging over you? Your starting life on a lie with someone your supposed to love..!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): OMG I have a friend who was in a similar situation, he chose no to tell, only to have the bomb explode later on in his face. The girlfriend said that it would have been different hearing it from him than having to find out another way.
So, you should tell her, and make sure she knows how deeply sorry you are, and what you're going to do to prevent this from happening in the future.
For example, if you know you can't handle licquor well, don't drink where there are possobilities for things to go wrong.
I love to drink at parties, I love how you can laugh and have fun with your girlfriends, and I know how a lot of people say drunk is not an excuse, it's because they have never been drunk and did stupid things, I did, so I'm not going to judge you, I know how you feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): All things considered - you made a terrible mistake and it sounds as if it was out of character and you are mortified by it. My instinct is to say nothing. Telling your girlfriend will not ease your conscience and your girlfriend will be heartbroken and may not forgive you or trust you again. If this was trully a one-off, then let things go. I know some people would advice the other way, for disclosure. But I think you are allowed one mistake if you can learn from it and never get yourself caught up in a situation like that again.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (14 January 2011):
I would normally say you made your bed, now lie in it! However, I do feel from reading your post that you are deeply upset about what you have done and you don't need me telling you how silly and foolish you have been because you already know that.
I may get shot to the ground here, but I think it is best keeping this to yourself with the hope that your girlfriend never ever finds out from someone else. Can you trust these two so called friends enough to know that they won't tell one and all about your drunken sex act?
Try not to beat yourself up any longer, you know what you did was wrong, you deeply regret it... now put it to bed and try and learn from it!
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A
male
reader, BigSambo +, writes (14 January 2011):
I think you should tell her, otherwsie you will guilty for the rest of your life. You already told your mom and it is not a secret anymore. Did your mom suggest that you tell her?
Does she know your friend and his gf? What if they tell her?
She has a right to know and whatever the outcome is, you are honest enough to tell her and accept the consequences.
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