A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my fella for nearly a year and a half. Early on in the relationship I contracted genital herpes from a cold sore. Needless to say this hit me quite hard, but my boyfriend stuck by me and did everything he could. He treated me like a princess, and spoiled me rotten, which of course I loved as I had never been treated so well before. We both loved spending time together, and I could really tell he was besotted with me. He would say really mushy things or just stare at me and smile, but the stress of frequent herpes outbreaks soon took its toll. I would cry alot because of the pain and discomfort, and be generally irritable. While he became stressed, as he wanted to help but didn't know how. At first we had a few row's nothing serious, nothing a cuddle couldn't fix, but as the months went on the row's have become more frequent and more severe. In the past 6 months, all the fights have been about the same thing - how unaffectionate and distant he has become. He no longer asks me to do anything, and I am always the one who arranges for us to do things. He goes for days upons days without bothering to contact me, and he rarely tells me he loves me anymore, unless I say so first. He even greets me differently, he used to greet me with "Hello beautiful", now its just "hi". He has told me he loves me and wants us to work, but he begrudges me for all the fights we have had, and doesn't feel he can be open with me anymore, because he fears I'll start another fight. I can't help being argumentative as I am not happy, and just want things to be how they were. I am naturally a emotional person, whose emotions are connected to those I care about. I still love spending time with him, but it upsets me that he seems to be pulling away. What can I do about this ?
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female
reader, penta  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. If your happiness depends on what someone else does you have a real problem, not just in this relationship but in any relationship you have.
It may be that once he's relieved of the pressure of making you happy that he'll be happy again too and your relationship will have a better chance at healing.
Regardless of him, you need to act on your own behalf, not for him or because of him, but for yourself.
A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Now that you've given me a little more insight, I can honestly say that it sounds like his heart has turned. I suggest you don't argue anymore and decide if this is the man you want to be with expecting that he won't be changing back to the way he was. If he's not, then when he tries to contact you, be as aloof as he is, NOT MEAN, but be busy. If you do see him, make it on your terms not his. Talk to him when he calls, but when the conversation lulls, tell him you have to go. If he asks to come over, ask him when, and be busy a few times. If he wants you, he'll keep trying or confront you about it because you will be "acting out of character". If he does confront your actions, just tell him that you decided to invest as much in the relationship as he does. If he goes away, he goes away, you cannot control him, only yourself. Have only expectations of yourself, none from him. All this is for you now, to get yourself right and ready for a possible breakup. If you don't breakup, then when you are together, keep treating him like always, a king.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to DJ8433 reply.
You are right in some respects, and wrong in others.
I understand what I wrote may have sounded like I am a taker, but I assure you that's not true. I love bringing happiness to my boyfriend, and try to by regularly cooking him dinner, paying him compliments, giving him tokens of my affection and treating him in a pleasurable manner. I am not a prideful person, and to use your words I do treat him as a 'King' where I can.
I do have a life outside my boyfriend. I have friends, a job and a family, but his opinion of me means alot, as I value him a great deal. He is my best friend as well as my boyfriend. So I fail to understand his distance, as he assures me he loves me.
Where you are correct, is that I am not particularly happy. What makes me unhappy is that he is not reciprocal concerning my affectionates, and lacks the spontaneity he once had.
I understand that my argumentativeness may be bothersome and that your answer comes from a male perspective, but surely it is not only my job to assure the relationship works, and his lack of communication is part of the problem.
Thoughts anyone?
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (29 August 2007):
You sound like you are not happy, and you are making him unhappy too. He is responding to you. The more he moves away the unhappier you get, the more he moves away, the arguing continues until he can't take it anymore and says goodbye. Get yourself back together. Go out and have some fun with your friends. Go to a movie or shopping or something, something to get your mind off how unhappy you are. No one wants to be miserable. If you can stop stressing about the relationship and get on with life, he might be able to be with you.If you can swallow your pride and go back to treating him like a king, then you will have done all you can do. This one might end up going away, because you both cannot get over your hurt feelings. If you love him, ask yourself what you can do for him and not what he can do for me.
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