A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've got quite a dilema. I don't even know where to begin. I'm atheist (24 years old) and I have a uber conservative Cathlolic girlfriend (20 years old). We've been going out for 8 months. I love her and she loves me but there's a major problem that's driving me insane. She doesn't want to have sex until we get married. No oral sex or handjobs either. If I want an orgasm I have to do it myself. I can't touch her breasts even through her clothing. The only thing we do is french kissing which is abundant.To make matters worse marriage is not feasible or desirable at this junction due to me being atheist. Furthermore I'm still a (cash strapped) student going into med school next year in a different city meaning I can't reasonably get married for the next 4-5 years or so.So given this situation what do I do? If it were just me I'd probably break up with her, but I don't want to hurt her, and I can tell she loves me alot. We get along perfectly in every other aspect of our relationship and it would be a shame for religion to be the only thing standing in our way. Other than her prudish victorian attitude to anything erotic I would say she's perfect. So I'm really kind of torn here. I knew what I was getting into but I figured she'd warm up to me cause I know many other Catholic girls who have no problems with sex.How can I possibly go completely dry, presumably for the next few years? The endless foreplay (French kissing) is also frustrating since I have to relieve the tension myself after I get back home. If I had it my way we'd be having sex at least twice daily. I want to keep this relationship going but is that even possible? Am I simply delaying the inevitable?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Im afraid that this is what your girlfriend has decided to do. I think she would be upset that you were even thinking about dumping her just for sex. I am a no sex before marriage girl and i know i would be upset that a guy would be thinking this. I suggest that you finish it with her soon otherwise you may cheat which you would regret im sure and if you do not love her enough to respect this decision she has decided to make then finish it with her.good luckx
A
male
reader, NightLad +, writes (25 April 2009):
 Hi there,
I commend you for giving this matter more thought than just to the basics of your physical needs.
My initial comments about marriage were not necessarily meant to be literal. Consider them more of an illustration. You have been together for 8 months; you need to ask yourself why she would change her fundamental beliefs and attitudes toward sex in the near future. Given the description you’ve provided of her conviction to the dogma of her religion, it is probably unlikely.
I caution you not to construct fantasy ‘what if’ scenarios to extend your hope of this situation turning out the way you’d like. For example, “Hell even making out (and stopping there) in the shower” – you are describing rather intimate sexual foreplay. If she ever became amiable to this type of activity, odds are it would not stop there. I think that is the hope you really fostering.
In future discussions with your girlfriend about this topic, you should keep mindful that asking her to bend or break her firmly stated beliefs about sexual behaviour may be viewed as offensive to her as demanding you convert to her faith would be to you.
In committed relationships, the individual learns to walk a two-way street. When both partners can step in time it is a beautiful journey. If you find that you cannot, than you are destined to be divided.
Again, I urge you to have a frank and open discussion with her. Only she can answer the questions you need answered, and you would surely seem to need the clarity. I am only offering an objective third-party perception based on the information you’ve provided.
I hope this helps. I wish you both the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not sure I'm ready to marry her yet. We have an excellent relationship but it's only been 8 months and we haven't lived together.
My sex drive completely aside, I'd want to live with the girl for at least a few months before popping the question. Just to see how we get along in real life as apposed to just dating situations. oral sex ect would also help see how we'll get along in bed in the future
As far as sex goes I understand she's catholic and wants to be a virgin until her wedding night but I'd be content or at least far more content if I got regular handjobs or blowjobs/ whatever else. Hell even making out (and stopping there) in the shower would be a welcome change since I have yet to see her with her shirt off (not to mention bra or anything else).
IMHO it's completely unrealistic to expect complete chasity from a guy that dosn't share your world view. The bible and all these worderfully prude laws were written at a time when people got married in their early teens and sex almost always resulted in pregnancy (significant consequece for a girl) due to a complete lack of contraception, Natural and otherwise
I'll just have to see how this playes out I'm meeting her again in a few days cause I'm still out of town for now
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): Hi - I'm Catholic and I split up with my first boyfriend because
a) I wouldn't have sex with him because..
b)he didn't want to marry me - so we went our seperate ways!
However, as a "catholic" I did give him hand jobs and blow jobs etc without the Catholic guilt taking over, so I think it is just what feels comfortable and right between you and your girlfriend.
I must admit, now I have found a man who I love and I would desperately have sex with him - but he in turn seems pretty luke warm about the idea!!
- What goes around comes around!!
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A
male
reader, NightLad +, writes (23 April 2009):
Hi there,
You said, “it would be a shame for religion to be the only thing standing in our way.” Strive to view this from her perspective. To your girlfriend, religion is the only thing there is. It isn’t an optional accessory of her belief structure; it is a part of her identity, a fundamental aspect that you can’t compete with and will never be put ahead of.
If you marry her, her faith will cross over into every aspect of your marriage. If you have kids, they will be raised Catholic (in their traditions) and attend her Church. Odds are that she also opposes divorce, which may put the idea of “until death do us part” into a different perspective.
If you can deal with all this (and more) in light of your atheistic beliefs, than you already have your answer; respect her devotion to her faith and wait. Buy yourself a Fleshlight (uh...Google it) and in the mean time, save up for an engagement ring.
However, if a future with these conditions does not seem feasible, than perhaps you have some serious contemplation to do.
Either way, I suggest you sit down with her and discuss your feelings on the matter and what her religious devotion would dictate for a possible future together.
I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, appliance +, writes (23 April 2009):
If you can get married because you're an atheist and she's catholic, how is it going to be differend 5 years from now? Did she expect you to change your mind about religion?
If you really really want to get married with her, I'd suggest to propose her now. Like an ultimatum. If she refuse pretexting you being an atheist, I doubt it would be any different in a few years.
Otherwise, I would definitely not wait for that girl. But of course I don't know her and I'm not the one who have to decide :)
You might love her and she might be a very good person, but there's limits to what a man should suffer for someone. I think you should tell her your limits. She's asking a LOT from you right now.
And you probably thought about this before: maybe she would be better off with a man who share her beliefs. Religion seems to be really important for her and her family. Even if you respect her beliefs, it's probably something difficult to handle and causing important issues in the relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): tough call here. I see and completely understand both sides. My wife and I are both religious, and she insisted she wait for marriage so that she would be a virgin and only ever with 1 man. I wasn't a virgin, so it was very tough for me. My wife however was at least realistic. She understood guys do have strong sexual urges and need release. A few guys she dated be fore me, and myself, she gave handjobs. This allowed her to 'keep' dating those guys and me by giving some release, yet keeping her virginity. Finally after we were engaged, she started giving me blowjobs, but that was only after dating 2 years, being engaged, and a lot of pressure from me.
I think your girlfriend needs to realize that you do need release, handjobs aren't going to 'ruin her virginity'. But you also need to respect her wish to 'wear white' at the wedding and have it mean something. It sounds like it's your choice to wait 4-5 years to get married, so you have to wait. I don't understand the waiting though, my wife and I got married at 19, and I was still in college. We had our first son at 21, so withdrawal does work. I think that even if she is a 'severe' catholic, then condom use should be acceptable, if not, then she needs to change on that one, she would be wrong. I understand for religious reasons not using the pill, iud, diaphram, etc... but she must change as you must change. Compromise in the middle, or you must end this relationship, it won't work, and 5 years from now, you'll be 30, and wishing you had someone who had values like her.
Good Luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): i know catholics who lost "it" when they were 12 at least she has respect for herself and does not act like a tart. but i understand what you mean talk to her about how you feel and see what she says.and it sounds like you have a very good relationship sex is not everything.
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A
male
reader, fuglyone  +, writes (22 April 2009):
 Are you nuts? Break it off and find a more willing girl who doesn't make your balls blue. That's it. Simple. If you marry this chick just because you want sex, you will hate yourself and her in a couple of years, and that would suck wouldn't it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): She won't use of contraception! Your properly end up with eight kids. Personally I say run, run! not because of the sex thing because quite a few women and men are waiting till marriage and you should respect that then finding ways around it. But the whole contraception thing is strange.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI misphrased in my original post, I have no problems attending a church ceremony even though I'm atheist. However, marrying her at this point would likely be sacrificing my future as a doctor, and furthermore she even says that it's better that I finish my school before getting married and that she'll wait for me ect. There are several reasons why I'd rather wait and not get married right now:
A) I'm going to med school and will be high in debt for the next few years
B) she's against all forms of contraception except the natural ones which obviously fail. She'd be with child within a few monthns of marrage making med school doubly impossible for me
C) I think we can all agree that you should get to know everything there is to know about someone before getting married. Even though I love her, there would still be hesitation and uncertainty on my part if we did get married. I'd rather not leave that can of worms unopened.
As for the whole "Good sex now or a good wife later?!" Why do those have to be mutually exclusive ?? Plenty of Catholics have bent this archaic rule and had a happy life before and after marrage.
I think I'll let her know how this is affecting me. I've told her but I don't thik she realises how much this is fraying our relationship (not to mention my sanity) She is worth keeping, and I'll try to hang on somehow
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): I had a friend in your same predicament buddy.. But he didn't even get the french kisses, so consider yourself lucky lol.
Those devoutly religious girls are an obvious equation. You don't get to do her unless you say "I do". That's your choice with her. Wish I could say differently. But you gotta marry her to get the marinara. lol
Seriously though, your atheist excuse sounds weak though. Y'all are getting almost as self righteous as the devoutly religious. Atheists can't marry now? interesting. Same for the finance thing. People have married in debt before, and will in the future. You could marry her if you REALLY wanted to. That's something you should just face.
Good luck with it
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): She's as obviously serious about her actions matching her values as you are yours - and I'm not criticizing either of you. Sorry, but you have a decision to make. She won't and shouldn't change her stance, nor should you, so you'll need to decide to get engaged or break this off. Kinder for both of you to let the two of you find new partners better suited to each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): Differences in religion don't have to be a deal breaker if neither party is all that serious about it. In this case, it sounds like you have a clash of values, big time.
You don't really sound like someone who's prepared to wait until you're married. And it doesn't sound like she's going to change. I'd say your choices are get married now and live in poverty for a while, or move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): There is no compromise if a person's faith in their religion swallows their entire being whole. As a natural, you will have to face this problem on your own. Enforcing your desires on her means she has to break her religious vows. If this is one of the important factors in your life, then this girl, no matter how great she may be in other aspects, is apparently not suitable for you.
Since you are considering staying together with her, all you need is persistent willpower to keep going. Remember that differing core values may one day break your relationship apart, even without the lack of intimacy in place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): well, if you are sure you cannot stay without sex until you marry her, then you should leave her and find someone else. But I can tell you one thing, you've got a VERY GOOD girl there who is pure in heart and body, someone who is very very rare to come by these days. And its most likely that once and if you get married to her, you will not have any trust issues at least from her side.
But you sound frustrated and dissapointed a lot. 4 to 5 years is a long time. Just weigh how much you like to keep this girl for life and how much you need sex at this moment. You have to choose whichever is the most important thing to you now. Good sex now or a good wife later?!
Its you who have to make a decision. But whatever you do, don't pressure her into doing something she is not ready for. She might regret it a lot later and might loose all respect for you.
You sound a decent guy.All the best to you!
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