A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I have a problem with making friends with people. I get nervous around people and don't know what to talk about. I don't do much minus work and sleep and it takes a second to say I went shopping at the weekend or went to church.People i did call my friends went to university with me, so know what i do at work and things and i'm supposed friends with people at work. but i dont think i've made any kind of connection with them. If i left one day i don't think anyone would care. I worked somewhere for 5 years and i thought i was friends with people there, but then i left and they never contacted me again. I was supposed to have a leaving do at the same time as someone else. They had it, but no-one told me. I bumped into someone randomly who told me they were going to the persons leaving do that night. I left there a year ago and haven't heard anything from anyone since.My time at university has now finished and i feel that noone will ever speak to anyone again after that either. No-ones making the effort to meet up. Thats another 4 years of supposed friendship.One of the guys at my work got fired today and i was really upset for him and i cried and hugged him and then i got home and he had unfriended me on facebook. Known him for a year.I'm sick of me forever caring deeply about people and being rejected. I don't know where i can find a deep friendship anywhere. I seem to just fail to impact people. I've tried talking to people outside of work and uni, but I find it difficult to do the whole idle chatter thing. I don't have much of a life minus work, eat and sleep. I feel like the person i am inside never seems to make it to the surface of when i talk to people. no-one knows me, i always end up saying something stupid.I tend to say something personal about me to people sometimes and i think it makes me seem weird. Like in an awkward silence i'll tell them that i'm not good with conversations and apologise if it seems awkward i don't mean it to be. I don't suppose anyone can help me? I don't know how to get into the kinda best friend stage, Where you can talk about your feelings and important things and life things, not just what you did the other day.
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female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (1 July 2011):
It does sound like you have social anxiety to an extent and if you feel comfortable with the idea then as strontiumdog mentioned CBT may help (I had it a few years ago for the same reason and it did help).I used to be very similar to you and in a very similar situation. Eventually (after some help with CBT) I learnt that making a mistake or saying something a bit strange was not important at all and everyone did it at some point. So I started putting myself in social situations and talking about myself, adding what I felt like to conversations and soon I had a number of good friends. To my surprise I found out that they nearly all got nervous in social situations, one of my most confident friends was laughing and telling me about times she'd accidently said something odd or it had come out wrong - she called them her tumbleweed moments.I would guess the reason you struggle to make lasting friendships is because people don't really get to know you personally as you don't talk about yourself and are probably quiet.I'd suggest you maybe join some groups or try to call some of your old friends see if they want to go out and if you start chatting to people, bring up anything you want (e.g news/tv shows) and if you've known them for a while and you want to mention something personal go ahead. Just try to act confident, you're doing nothing wrong. If you act nervous like you're admitting to breaking a window then people will probably feel the need to be deadly serious and answer you accordingly which isn't what friendship is about. If you do say something that comes out wrong and it's obvious, then just smile and try to laugh it off - I mean it's really not important, it's not going to have a lasting effect and your friends will have forgotten it the next day. They're busy with their own lives, not thinking about what you said the other night.I know it's not as easy as all this but this is along the lines of what you'll need to change your thinking to. Something else I personally found that helped was just chatting to people online e.g on forums where we had a common interest (not to meet up or anything) as there were no groups near me at all. It did help me learn how to keep conversations flowing a little easier.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): I can relate a bit with your problem, I'm not really a people person, so I don't make friends easily, chit-chat doesn't come easily to me either, so I try to talk about the situation the person and I have in common, if at work talk about stuff related to that, you can also start a conversation by complementing someone, and smile while you talk, it makes people comfortable and more open, I know that it is difficult but my technique is talk to people you don’t know so making conversation will become easier, greet people looking into their eyes and smile while thanking them. Perhaps people at your work thought you were withdrawn, shy or conceited, the latter has happened to me, people saying I was snobbish because I didn't speak to everybody, but I was just too timid to do so. I too got caught up in the uncomfortable silence many times too, but don’t excuse yourself or keep thinking that you’re being stupid or silly, we are all a bit , try to be more at ease with yourself. The guy at your work don't be upset, I have known people, that only befriended others while they needed them; your colleague probably thought that now you don't work together anymore, he doesn't need you so he cut you off, well much the better you don't need the friendship of that sort of people either, you have to believe you deserve better. "I tend to say something personal about me to people " try to keep things light and casual in the beginning after all If you just met someone chances are that the person doesn't want to hear the story of your life ."I don't know how to get into the kinda best friend stage, "Some people get attached to others more easily, others are more reserved, for that there is no pattern, but in your work place it gets more difficult especially in a competitive environment I’m sorry to tell
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A
female
reader, frou frou  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 This is just a suggestion, and I don't pretend to have all the answers to your problem, but have you thought about doing some kind of voluntary work i.e. with the Samaritans? It sounds kind of selfish, but helping other people is a really good way to feel better about yourself. The training you get might also help you connect to people quickly without feeling awkward - I'm a big believer that these things can be learned. You also might meet some interesting people who volunteer with you and you'd have all that shared experience to talk about. Also, often listening to other people's problems can help take you out of your own for a bit. Just a thought, anyway, hope it helps.
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