A
female
age
36-40,
*enial
writes:Long story here, but I'll try to make it as short as possible.Hi everyone, I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now. We met online, and were great friends, he always had a crush on me, we were friends for about 2 years before we really started talking on the phone everyday. I was getting over an ex, and he helped me and as much as I refused to have another relationship and be in love again, he made me fall in love. He was completely perfect, the sweetest guy I've known. He was so in love with me, he couldn't take his eyes off of me. We flew back and forth between our states (5 hour flight), over 3 years, and he finally moved in with me.So 3 years, we had a long distance relationship where he had done everything possible to keep me, we talked 24/7 on the phone, webcam, texting. Insane love. And 4th year, he moved here. My parents were nice enough to let him stay with us, we have a big house and he didn't have to pay for rent/food any bills. All they asked was for him to get a job, and start college (while I'm on my last year of College, he hasn't started yet).. Well, we had an amazing time living together, however last 2 months of him living here were a bit too stressfull. We fought a lot! Usually over him not finding a job, or finding one and not keeping it because he'd make stupid mistakes. It felt like he just wasn't motivated enough to work hard. My parents were on our case, asking me everyday did he get a job, did he apply for school.. blah blah. Well..June '09.. after 9 months of living with me, and after many fights where, I threatened to break up with him, he finally got his things and moved back to live at his parents.. When he was leaving he said we just needed some time and he wanted to come back, but the right way, with his own money so we can move out... And also that he needed his family's support..Well, the first couple of days after he left, were so hard, I couldn't get out of bed, I cried and cried .. while he was having fun meeting his family at a party and I know he missed them but he didn't even call me or text me and ask how I was.. After that it just kept getting worse, he kept saying he needs his space, and I'm not used to giving him weeks without talking to him or even days.. After being with me 24/7 for 4 years, it's so hard to quit the affection cold turkey. He said I'm not leaving him alone, because I called him and texted him. I just wanted his support, while it was extremely hard for me to lose him like that, it seems like it was so easy for him. After a month, and millions more fights over why he hasn't called or why I did call lol, we broke up... He still tells me loves, mind you.2nd month, he said he wants me to go visit him in January and then "we'll see how things go and then we'll either get closure or stay together.." After being with someone for 4 years, wouldn't you know if you want to work things out? Now when I say "Okay, fine you don't want me, I'll move on", he would tell me he loves me and that I hurt him, and plays the victim. It always draws me back. Month 3.. same deal, he says he loves me but wouldn't answer his phone, texts, and etc. He would however call me or text me whenever he's "not busy" which is rarely.. I'm still not used to not speaking with him. I love him more then anything and sacrificed so much for him. He's done plenty for me too, which is why I don't understand what could have changed. Even if he wants to "find himself", why can't he do it with me in his life? Why does he have to keep me around but as a friend, and not his girlfriend. Ahh too much writing, if anyone has specific questions, I'd rather answer them, and not give more pointless info! Thank you very much. 3 months of crying is no bueno! I should walk away..but I want him back.. =/
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male
reader, charlie p  +, writes (4 October 2009):
This is extremely difficult...and this man is far from simple it seems. Again I can only stress that I really don't envy you this one!
I think that there may be an element of him using you as a comfort blanket, but I wonder if that's all there is to it? I'm not entirely sure that it is.
That's a very interesting notion of yours to consider not talking to him for a month, maybe that's an idea to put to him. But let him know in advance that you're going to do that, otherwise he'll think that you're leaving him and he may well move on. This isn't to say that he'll immediately find himself a new girl, but he may begin to view the releationship as over and begin to get over it, which is very hard to undo in any relationship but especially if it's a distance one. So maybe say that you'll leave him to it for a month, and after that you'll contact him again and ask for his decision. Ask him to do his best to be sure by then.
As for the best friend insecurity, there isn't a great deal you can do that you've not done. Just assure him that you see him as a brother, and that there isn't even a shread of sexual interest between you both. Hopefully he'll see.
I do feel for you, it can't be easy. It must be very difficult to feel so powerless in such a pressing and important problem, but you must try to give him his space.
There is some hope, but to be fair I must be honest, as it's the only way to answer an honest question; there is also a very real chance that you won't last. I'm sorry to say it so bluntly, but you must be ready to deal with that eventuality, and forewarned is forearmed, as they say.
What do you intend to do?
A
female
reader, Denial +, writes (4 October 2009):
Denial is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your replies!!
Both of you have good points, on one hand he's stringing me along and on the other he says he loves me. Just the other day I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted me.. but when I ask him if it's time we get back together, he says he has things to think about and figure out.
Every time I bring up the topic of our relationship he just brushes it off with "now is not a good time to talk about it" or "I still have to think about it". Maybe I haven't given him too much space to breathe in the last 3 months, but he should know by now!
Also he asked me to come visit in January, and then eventually he wants me to move THERE. He loves me, still finds me extremely attractive, thinks I'm a great girl with a big heart and a great personality. Yet he's confused.
I thought for the longest time that it was my fault, the way he left me, made me act a bit nuts, calling and texting constantly. I even talked to his family members about what was going on. I did cross the line, and he said he wants me to trust him and that things will be okay.
And he's extremely jealous of my male best friend for 9 years, he says I come to him more then to my ex with my problems. But some of the things I talk to my friend, I wouldn't want to talk to my ex because I don't want to seem like I'm weak or be judged by him. I told him many times there's no attraction there past a friendship. =/ He got drunk once and called my friend and said "if you love her so much, you should make a move now, it's the perfect time" And I confronted him about it, he said he was tired of the competition.. There is no competition. I've loved him and been with him for 4 years!! Ahh..
Then there's his ego which, I admit, I crushed many times when he couldn't deliver his promises. In the last month I've been trying to fix that and show him how sweet and caring I am. Nothing seems to be working.
Oh and he told me to call him anytime I'm upset or have something to talk about, which is sweet, up until he doesn't pick up my calls.
This is driving me nuts, I'm thinking about not talking to him for a whole month, my birthday is coming up soon, and maybe he'll make a surprise visit or call me. I'll try to ignore his calls to the best of my abilities for this month. And maybe I'll find out I'm better off, or he'll miss me and want to come back.
He says men are simple, they mean exactly what they say..but his actions are the opposite of what he says. So maybe they are more fickle then he thinks.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 October 2009):
It sounds to me like he's using you as a comfrot blanket, in case he needs someone to run to, or that he doesnt' really want to hurt you, but wants this to end. He's not ever really answering texts and phone calls. The answer is, he can't find his life with you in it, because he doenst' really want you in his life. That may sound harsh, but once you face that, hopefully you'll see that it's better for you to move on. 3 months is a lot of time to think about whether you want someone or not. I think you'd be better off moving on and finding a guy who really will want to commit to you, not just dangle you on a string.
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A
male
reader, charlie p +, writes (4 October 2009):
Hmmm...tricky! I don't envy you this problem, that's for sure!!!
But, there are signs that he still wants you. Inviting you up for a visit is extremely positive. And I appreciate how difficult it must be to go 'cold turkey' but I'm sure he just wants to see how he feels without having you in contact as if he loves you it might cloud his judgement, and get in the way of his decision making about what's best for him, and selfish as it sounds it is important.
You say that there has been some limited contact...did you ask him about the situation, and if so what are his views?
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