A
male
age
36-40,
*atachild
writes:Alright. So I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 months. She's wonderful. I believe I'm in love with her. I'm 25, she's 21. At the beginning of our dating, I asked her how many guys she had been with. The number she told me shocked me. She said, and I quote "Between 13 and 16, I really can't remember." She also said that 2 of these were one night stands. This number freaked me out pretty bad. However, I let it slide in the back of my mind because we are very happy when together. A couple of things I do not/did not like so much are the fact that she works as a waitress at a strip club. A lot of guys are hitting on her all day, staring at her like a piece of meat, her pretending to be interested in guys in order for them to buy drinks. Now I know I shouldn't put her at fault, it's a strip club, and its full of males with the intent on getting laid. And it's her job to sell that chance in order for them to buy shots and make her money. I do not fault her for this, I knew this before we got serious. However, I still get bothered and do not plan on going there to see it ever again. A lot of these guys have bought her gifts, jackets, watches, one guy said he'd let her borrow his car for a month while he's out of town. This bothers me of course, but I trust her. For some reason a couple of days ago her past sexual endeavors really started to bother me. Lately, while having sex, I think of all the other dudes that have been with her. It's extremely painful. So yesterday, I decide to probe. I know, very stupid, but I had to know, I was being eaten alive. Now for the facts. At 15/16, she started having sex. She had 3 partners until her Ex-Boyfriend, who lasted for roughly 4 years.At 18/19, she had an open relationship with her Ex. She slept with about 10 guys in this period. 2 One night stands. At 20/21, she was physical with 3 guys. I met her 2 months after she turned 21. She was not physical for ~2 months before me.She's also had 2 abortions from her Ex. Speaking of her Ex, a couple months ago, while I was with her, she told me her Ex was texting her. I was asking what they said. She didn't want to say. I persisted, and he was saying things such as:"You should give me a private lap dance""You should come over here and let me handle you right""I heard your boyfriend is a dou*hebag, why are you with him? I'm going to beat his a*s."We should take pictures and let your boyfriend find them"I told her what are you replying? She said "I'm just going to ignore him, I know why he's acting this way, he's just hurt and jealous, etc." "He knows I like being talked to like that (She does). I felt very disrespected that she didn't stand up for not only herself, but me. Why don't you call him out and tell him that him talking to you like that is not appropriate? In fact, why are you talking to him period? She said she wants to remain friends with him.Now, curious little me, after finding this out, had to probe deeper. I asked if I knew anyone she has had sex with. She paused, thought, and looked at me dead in the eyes. She then said, I think so. I asked "Who?" She said "Phil. You said you've seen him before." I did. She drove her home from work a couple times. In fact, a couple months ago, as I was going up to see her for a surprise visit, she told me she was having coffee with Phil, and that I should come up and see them. I didn't want to. I said "Did you have sex a lot?" Her reply, a stern "Yes." Now Phil and her are still friends. They don't really hang out a lot anymore, but I'm sure he still has feelings for her. Now here's my problem. I have a problem with her having Phil in her life. I have a problem with her still communicating with her Ex. I cannot get out of my head the images of guys having their way with her, of her cheaply whoring herself out, her 2 one night stands, etc. I trust her COMPLETELY. Honestly, she has answered questions even I would have a hard time telling the truth to. I knew immediately she was very honest and has a hard time, no, cannot tell lies. I admire this.(Side note): I've had one serious relationship before this. A lot of mini relationships. I have had sex prior to her once. Many opportunities, however.What do I do? How do I get these images out of my head? Am I right for telling her to cut ties?Thank you for reading.
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abortion, cheap, her ex, her past, jealous, lapdance, money, one night stand, period, sexual past, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2010): I know exactly how you feel! Because I feel the same way about my boyfriend's sexual history.
And you're feeling the emotions you're feeling because you love this girl.
I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he is the best thing in my life. I know I will never love anyone else as much as I love him...
I found out about his past early on in the relationship too...and just like you I let the information I knew slip into the back of my mind...because I was happy with him...and I really liked him so I didnt want to face the facts.
Right within the first week or so of going out my friend told me that he slept with a girl that I knew. but my friend's exact words were "he tried to do stuff with her" ...and me being innocent & dumb didnt register what my friend actually meant. later on I found out and registered that he had sex with this girl. a few months into my relationship i found out he had slept with more girls. he has told me it was only 5 or 6. thats a huge deal to me compared to my 0. and to make it worse, one girl was MARRIED. and he knew her husband. thinking about that makes me really sick to my stomach. he was with her for two months. EVERY day i think about his past. I cant sleep at night. I cry myself to sleep every night. I am only okay when I am with him, and then too I think about these things sometimes.
i know alot of people dont care about their partners sexual history. i think its such a big deal to me because of the way I was raised.
i was a virgin up until a few months ago.i have never imagined having sex with a man other than the one I wanted to marry and have kids with. Its how I was raised to think.
And I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world and we want to get married so that is why I decided to lose my virginity to him.
Thinking about him touching other girls makes me really really sad and hurts more than I can describe. I cant leave him because I love him...but knowing everything hurts SO much.
I decided to be with him and try to work out my issues. its been over 1.5 years now and my thoughts & anxiety havent changed much. i feel like im going crazy and im sad all the time. mood swings all day. i cant remember the last time i had good sleep.
i dont know what advice i can offer to you because I havent figured out a solution to this problem either...
im considering going to a psychologist and getting training for how to control my thoughts. for example, controlling these negative thoughts and mental images of my bf and these girls with positive thoughts.
but right now i dont have the finances to do that..
if you do, i suggest you try it.
good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): First, she needs to break off all contact with her ex. If they were just friends then it might be fine, but with his meddling in her current relationship, she just needs to avoid him completely. My first wife and I were friends after we split, but she never meddled in my new relationships and I never asked her about hers. It worked fine. It is none of his business what she is doing and she shouldn't be telling him anything about your relationship. This will continue to be a problem if this continues.
My wife always broke off all contact with all of her boyfriends after it was over. She broke up with the one who she was dating when we started dating the night after we had our first date. He tried to contact her a couple of times to get back together, but she avoided him. The last time he tried to contact her was one night when he was at a tavern that we were at having dinner. She was nice to him, but he got the idea that it was completely over. He wanted more than just a friend to talk to and that just doesn't work.
Next is what type of questions you should be asking. Forget the numbers and the details of how many blow jobs she gave or what positions they screwed in. If you want to ask questions, ask those that allow you to understand her thinking during that period. Was she really happy? Were all those guys really exciting for her or was she just always looking for love and affection and seldom got anything but screwed? Perhaps it wasn't a great time in her life. Of course, perhaps it was fantastic for her. That is the chance you take when you ask questions. You might get an answer that makes you feel better about her, but they might also make you feel even worse.
If you were to find out that she wasn't really happy and just got used a lot, would that make you feel better or worse? Would you feel a bit sorry for her or would you hate it even more to know that she allowed herself to get used for sex?
Take a look at these discussions:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
and this new discussion:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/she-has-a-kinda-promiscuous-past-how-do.html
Many years ago a couple of friends and I went to a strip club a couple of times. One time one of the strippers' boyfriend (husband?) was there, sitting in the back and watching her and the other strippers. I think he liked to watch other guys drooling over her. After all, he was the one who was going to be having sex with her that night. Of course, guys buying her gifts is a bit different. When we were drooling over some stripper we knew that we had no chance with her, while guys buying her gifts probably expect sex in return.
Things like this are difficult. I understand, as I had a lot of problems dealing with my wife's past promiscuity - a couple 1 night stands, sleeping with guys who she just met and sleeping with everyone on the first date or night with them. What she did with guys didn't bother me, but the idea of her being so easy did a lot. I struggled with it for a couple of years before I decided that I wanted to stay with her. I didn't ask her about her past. She had to tell me early in our relationship. We finally discussed it a lot a couple of years ago and that is when we talked a lot about her feelings and I understood that it was not the great time for her that us men tend to think it was. She was sad, lonely and wasn't happy with her promiscuity, but did it to try to feel good after a bad marriage and feeling like no one would want her. She didn't want to get into a rebound relationship, so she jumped around a lot. Yes, she liked the sex most of the time, but she wasn't happy. Sometimes you discover things that make you understand and feel better and sometimes it will make you feel worse. You take your chances by asking questions.
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A
female
reader, stephanie,jayne  +, writes (1 February 2010):
Wow it sounds to me as though you care alot for this girl and that your scared your not good enough to keep her tied down (even though you may not realise this!) Your girlfriends job is just a way of earning easy money and i dont balme her, times are hard and i bet her weekly tips help pay for nice nights out with you!? most people go through a stage of sleeping about and having fun, and after a 4 year relationship with her ex im not suprised she let off a bit of steam!! sex meens different things to different people and to your girlfriend it doesnt meen much!! so dont dwell on her past (most people you meet are going to come with one!)
I can understand that you dont like your girlfriend talking to her ex but i can aso understand she wants to remain friends!! But you are right, so ask her to explane to him that they can only be friends and that if he is going to insist on texting her things like that then she wont want to talk to him as she is with you now and she's happy! xx
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A
male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (1 February 2010):
datachild,
I understand your pain, I really do. My girlfriends past is actually worst then yours gf. Mine had lots of threesomes (two guys) with her ex, there wasnt any homosexual sex. It was all as she puts it 'on her'. And agreed to a gangbang withere she was blindfolded. her and her ex found these other guys from a swinger site. So I feel you pain. I do.
Currently we are going to a theprist but I still don't see it helping. I believe you have the same problem I do. You have a problem with her morals how could she have done this. How can you be dating such a slut.
Right?
@janniepeg
No. I really doubt he worried about the things you listed. As a woman you will never understand why a girl's sexual past can troubling, you just cant. I have discovered that women can not understand why a bad sexual past troubles men.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 If you can't then move on. It is as simple as that.
We all have certain ideals in our lives and giving up on them is a lot harder then you might think.
telling you to accept her past is useless, as you clearly can't.
Nothing that can be done here. Sometimes two people just don't work out.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (24 January 2010):
 You need to decide if you want to stay with her. If you do, then you need to take the decision to get over this. It's not an easy decision to make, because it involves changing some things about yourself, and making compromises.
To stay with her you're going to have to stop thinking about her past. Clearly you're obsessing about her, but that's making it worse not better. Every time you 'dig deeper' you find out more information that gives you more to obsess over.
So first step: stop asking. There's nothing you'll find out that's going to make it any better, it's only going to make things worse.
Next step: accept this is your issue. There's nothing she can do now to change the past. Yes she can stop communicating with her ex: that's reasonable to ask. But the rest is your issue. She can't reach into your head and take away the images.
Then you have to learn to not react to the images. This is the hardest part, but it is possible. You're always going to have the knowledge of her past. It's not possible to erase that. But what you can do is change your reaction to it.
Every time you get a feeling about this, or an image, don't think about it. Yes you'll feel unpleasant emotions: jealousy, anger, insecurity etc. But if you refuse to analyse or obsess about them, and just feel them, then they'll pass. By thinking about them you create a loop that sustains the bad feelings rather than lets them go. Feel think feel think, it goes on.
There are lots of ways to do this. I suggest you look at my post history where i've offered some specific tips.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Like the line in the movie "You want the truth, you CAN'T HANDLE the truth"... don't ask questions that you can't deal with the answers. Stupid move on your part. Love a woman for who she is, not was...
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A
male
reader, Sal84  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 I think when she is telling you everything, it clearly means take it or leave it and You Sir, have taken it. Which means now either be in an open relationship with her for the rest of your life, where u know that while you are working, you gf may be hit upon by some man or another and if she likes him she will sleep with him. Of course she will come and tell you later about him. But will that make you feel good?Will u be able to continue like this for the rest of your life.Has you erm Honest gf ever told u or given u an assurance that when she is in a relationship with you, she will never cheat...???Can u extract something like that from her so that at least you know that this won't happen in future.Regarding the images in your head, they are only going to increase if things go on the way they are now. Its time you had that talk with your girl where u told her how u felt about what was going on. Tell her that u are ok with her past and although u have images in your head all the time, u are willing to work on the same but what about the future? Will she be true to the relationship you are having with her.Ask for an assurance and if she gives one it will make a big difference as speaks the truth always. But if she avoids the same, its time to move on as the consequences are life long and can make u mentally unstable.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 You have reason to worry. Your reasons for not being able to handle her past could be:
1. You are afraid she would cheat on you?
2. Concern for STDs?
3. What other people might think about you two, like family and friends?.
4. You seemed inexperienced compared to her?
5. Worried about your sexual performance?
6. What is she thinking during sex?
7. Only using you because you are her only stable thing in her life?
8. Maybe she wants an open relationship?
But the most concern I have for you is after I read about her ex texting and saying you are a douchebag. Is this really about you? Is she telling him that you are too possessive? This is supposed to be a private matter and it shows she is not respecting you. A more important question to ask is if she has ever cheated. Telling her to cut ties? This has been her lifestyle. Her boundaries for men are very thin. Maybe she chose you because she knows you won't use her for sex. Is she wrong to want that? Do you just expect her to sell her sex appeal for the rest of her life? You don't want her to continue the same profession for the next 5 years do you? If you can't change her past, can you change her future? If your moments together is all about talking who she's been with I don't think you would be very happy. No guys want to share. She is treating all men as clients and you need to show her a new way of relating to you. She needs to know you are more sensitive, giving, and more respectful to women than her clients are to her. Maybe you are playing rescue and that's why you subconsciously chose her as your mate.
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