A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know it's an odd thing to ask, but my friend is trying to deal with a really bad break up and she's going about it in a really unusual way! She said instead of thinking what she did wrong, or wondering what happened and missing him and thinking about all their happy memories together. She tells herself he doesn't miss her at all, he doesn't have feelings for her and doesn't love her like he said. That he's happier without her, he's moved on and doesn't care how she feels or about her and that the real reason they broke up is he just didn't want her.It seems like horrible thoughts to put yourself through, but she said that if she thinks that it's her dealing with the harshness of what might be true and makes it easier for her to realise she needs to move on. Sure what she thinks it may be true, but why torture yourself thinking like that?I know if I thought like that it would hurt me inside and make me more upset thinking that might actually be true.. do you think i'm right in saying this method is the wrong way to go about it and only setting yourself to be hurt more?
View related questions:
a break, broke up, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 i don't think there is such a thing as a right way or a wrong way of going about dealing with a break up.
for me, personally, i actually do the same thing as her. it may hurt a bit in the short-term. but what it does is give her the motivation she needs to move on. for me, if i think the person might still love me or miss me or if i focus on the good things, i just dwell and can't move forward. when faced with the fact that the person doesn't love me and wants nothing to do with me, it empowers me to keep moving forward and never look back. i think she's doing just fine and i very much can relate. i wouldn't worry about her at all.
but that's just my two cents. hope this helps.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 I think it's unhealthy to pine after someone you can't have. So realizing she can't have him, because he doesn't want her, is really good. It takes her two steps ahead in getting over him, because sooner or later, even after whining and crying and missing him, every girl needs to face the same harsh truth: he didn't want her enough, and it didn't work out. Maybe he loved her, maybe he didn't. But it wasn't working, and he has moved on, and he'll find someone else. So you need to move on as well.
Some people use years to realize this. Your friend just saved herself a year of misery by realizing this from the start. It will actually save her from a lot of pain... She could suffer several months or up to years by missing him and sulking, or she can get over him and move on. Doesn't mean she loved him less, or that she isn't hurting. Just means she goes about it in a more rational manner, rather than an emotional manner.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 It may not be the right method for everybody, but I think is a very good and effective one. It's not even a ruse , or a tactic , most times- it's just something called " facing reality ". If more people adopted your friend's approach, here at DC we'd get many many less of that dispiriting " I can't move on " postings , like " I can't move on.... Never mind that he was cheating on me and was physically and verbally abusive and took my money and killed my kitten ... But , when things were good, they were so gooood ". No no, some times accentuating the negative becomes a necessity - and a shortcut to healing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): There is no right or wrong way, it's whatever works best for the individual.
I deal with it the same way as your friend. OP look through any number of "Years later I still can't get over her/him" questions on this site and you'll see that the people who can't get over relationships are the ones who can't stop focusing on all the good things they thought they had, can't let go of the idea that their ex may still feel the same way and want to be with them.
You don't miss something you think is shit OP. You're not going to miss a person as much if you think there's no hope of getting back together and why would it be horrible to think the other person has moved on? Do you really want to be stuck there thinking there's hope? That somehow you've lost something beautiful? That's a far worse torture OP.
Breaking up hurts like hell no matter what you do, but filling your mind with all the "amazing" things you've lost is a far worse torture than just being able to see hoe you're better without that person.
You may feel it would hurt more to think that way, but good luck in your next break up if all you can focus on is how good it was and how you've lost that. That truly is nightmare.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarah_llew  +, writes (3 March 2013):
every one would deal with this problem different, i myself have used the same method as you friend, yes it hurts but it made it easier for me to move on and your friend is just doing the same, all you can do is be there for her and respect how she wishes to deal with it xx
...............................
|
