A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together since May 2008. We started a long distance relationship because he was from the States and I was a Canadian working in Asia at the time. He flew about 100 times a year and he would always try to find time to visit me. Strictly speaking, we've only spent maybe a year and a half worth of time physically together--the rest is all online/phone communication. He loves me to death and he's done many things to prove that he does. He's very intense in terms of "making things work". And he has proven that he's capable in terms of keeping this relationship going. He's super sweet and acts like a kid which I love so much. He's told me that he wanted to marry me. At times, I feel the same about him...but sometimes, I don't. Our relationship is rocky mainly because its a long distance one, but his other main issue is jealousy. He's super jealous of anything I tell him about any guy--stranger, ex, friend, actor etc. I get so irritated by that that we go into war mode. Believe me, it gets pretty freakin intense when we disagree! Screaming, throwing things, and yes, physical fights. Usually it's me who throws the punches, but I'm a petite girl, and he's a--well, full grown man twice my size. I always believe that it doesn't hurt him, but I should know better. Hitting is wrong. He's never punched/slapped me..but he has shoved me hard against the wall by the neck several times, once when he was drunk, another when I had thrown water at his face during a dispute. He hasn't done this since last summer because he promised he would change. He's also a big fat hypocrite. He told me I was never to bring home any guy friends but one day after work, I coincidentally caught him escorting a female friend out as I arrived at our apartment door. I tried to maintain my composure but went nuts after she left. I've met her once and she seems not to be a threat to our relationship..but the only thing that bothers me are these two things...his shoving and this broken agreement about bringing the opposite sex home with out the other's consent. I always think that I've forgiven him, but whenever he's gone for months at a time, I can't help but think about these things and ..well, hate him. But when he's around, I feel like everything's okay? Is it normal? Can you actually hate and love someone at the same time? Should I try to make peace with the past or kick his ass to the curb?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 The Roman poet Catullus was wondering exactly the same thing about 20 centuries ago and he wrote one of the best love poems of all times about it :
I love yet I hate.
Maybe you wonder how that can be.
I don't know,
but I feel it happens
and it tortures me.
Ok, the translation is mine and sucks, the original Latin is much more powerful.
But just to say that after 20 centuries the jury is still out about your question...
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Yes it is normal to love someone but hate them sometimes aswell. If you love him and feel that you have a happy future together then work on it, but the violence needs to be sorted as you know its wrong, you both need to get help for it. I think you would both benefit from going on a anger management course to help with your problems.
He also needs to put the work in to the relationship if you want to be together, tell him he cant control your life like that, you are entitled to have male friends as much as he is with female friends you just need to trust each other and if you'se cant do that you are better of parting. Maybe go to couple thereapy to try and helo solve these issues, if he refuses then i think you should finish it and get your life back on track.
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A
female
reader, Outspoken1016  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 It is not hate that you’re feeling sweetheart its fear. Fear he will stop loving you. Fear you’re not the one only one he loves. That is why you become angry and lash out against him. Hitting is not ok in any level. You have no right to treat him with such disrespect as he does not you. First and foremost stop the fighting learn to communicate without violence. The yelling, fighting, hitting do you really like he is listening to you NO! With the long distance you both have learned a lot about one another because all you can do is talk. I guess my question is it’s been 2 years will you ever be together? Under one roof? Trying to live as one? If not there is your answer how can you have a marriage when you’re always apart that would drive anyone to mistrust. Love him enough to change your life and move to be together or let him go. Whichever you choice treat him as you would like to be treated and good luck
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A
female
reader, RawrAngelar.  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 Honey. :( 3 First off, i want to say i'm sorry you had to go through this kinda abusive realationship, and face it, it IS abusive if he's hurting you, but its completly normal to hate and love someone. I know that, cause ive been through it myself, and you know how i got over it? I let go of him, i cut all contact with him (i had a far distance realtionsip too), and took up singing lessons.. i made new freinds, managed to get my mind off him even though i loved him so much, i even met a new certain someone! thing is sweet pea, you can do the same, cut contact with him, and move on, maybe yoy would like to enjoy being single for a while! think of yourself as the too good single girly, who everyone wants. ;D
you deserve muchbetter, and i know youll still always love him after all i cant remember the quote but its summat like ''if you stop loving that person, it was neve rlove'' i think.xD But yeah, just maturely cut contact, say goodbye, and move on chick. :) and good luck for that! :D
Lots of love. :D xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
p.s sorry about the hideous spelling. xD
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