A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:THIS IS WORTH READING. Please help me out, I'm in a VERY tight spot.Thank you for taking a look at my pitiful problem. This one is kinda messed up.The main problem here is, Ive always liked this one guy but he's been a kinda player(so to speak) so ive kind of moved on, but who i moved on with was a guy who didnt treat me right at all. And when that guy broke up with me I started talking to the player guy, but I knew he wouldnt want to be with me relationship wise, so when the relationship guy came back, i took him back... but now the player guy is realizing that he loves me, and wants to be in a relationship with me.The question will be at the bottom,But to fully understand the situation I'll tell you the whole story.I met (I'm changing theire names) Brent in my freshman year of highschool, he was a senior, and the very first guy to ever really take my breath away. We talked for months, but when he graduated, we stopped. After tenth grade, he started talking to me on myspace, and then over the phone. We eventually started hanging out and we became boyfriend and girlfriend, you know, the whooolllle shebang. Brent and my relationship was great, at first. But in August of my Junior year, I became pregnant. Thats when everythign changed. He started treating me like a dog, and told me I had to get rid of it or else he would kill himself. Of course me, young, ignorant and naive, had an abortion. It's something I know was wrong, but I couldnt be tied down to this guy forever by a child, and I was only 16. I was scared. (please keep reading, even if you were offended, Im sorry. In the end, I'll pay the price, not you) After that, he had me in an emotional wreck. If i ever cried about the baby, he'd push me away, and say "SHUT UP CRY BABY!" This caused so much stress on me, I was about to friggin explode. So sometimes if i would annoy him by just asking, "do you still love me?" he would get so mad and get into my face, i'd push him away, and we would get into horrible fist fights. I was never strong enough to hurt him, but he would slam me into walls, put me in headlocks, and hit me in my stomach. My best friend wanted to murder him because he left giant bruises on my sides. I would try to ask his friend for help and he would say "You're a f****** liar! Lieing b****! YOU AND I BOTH KNOW BRENT WOULD NEVER DO THAT! GROW UP YOU LITTLE B****!" I do not even know why I stayed. This was only the beginning. The summer before my senior year, he started hidign his phone, and yelling at me. I wasnt stupid, but he was keeping me in the dark on purpose. He asked for a break, and I, let him have it. He went to a club. (he is 20 and i was 17, so I couldn't have gone)He told me he only danced with one girl. I would later find out that he danced and made out with her. And one morning, I saw his phone, I called the number he had as his best firends full name. A girl answered and I about lost it. I kept looking through his phone and I found naked pictures of her. It was so aweful.. but he had me in such a state of depression .. I was the one appologising. (most likely he had sex with her if he had naked pictures of her on his phone). This isnt the end of our relationship. I was still naive, and let him walk all over me. So, on the night of my homecoming dance (he wouldnt come with me because he "didnt want to be around a bunch of highschoolers") I met up with him after the dance, and I asked him that night to hold me. (we had been sleeping at each others houses ona regular basis)I just wanted to feel him there as I went to sleep. But it was always "You make me do things I dont want to do! Stop controlling me!" So that night i cried myself to sleep. The next morning wasn't too good. He left me. I was devastated. I missed out on school for almsot a week, and it took my best friend to revive my lifeless body that was walkign around. She showed me that I was better off without him, but something in me was lonely. It had always been lonely. I never received the affection I was getting back. So I turned to Robert. Robert had all the affection to offer me, but not the commitment. But he made me feel needed and cared for. Here is the Robert side.I met Robert in my sophomore year, before I dated Brent. Our meeting was one that had a lot of "he's the friend of her friend, who is the boyfriend of this guys sister" etc. But somehow we found each other. I fell for him, but I found out he was extending his affection to many girls, including myself. So I couldn't continue to see him like that, but I was his friend. Everytime Brent would do some stupid shit to me, I'd run to Robert, and he would make me feel better, but he would also make me see how stupid I was being. It was nice to have someone there to actually hold me. And when the whole clubthing happened, I just layed with Robert for hours that night, and he let me cry. It felt so strange for a guy to actually want to hold me like that. He tried to kiss me, but I told him, it wasnt a good time for me to be doing that to myself. He understood, and still stood by me. When Brent left me in October of my senior year, I started hanging out with Robert. But the thing about him, is that he has sex on his mind almost 24/7. He told me he didnt want to be in a relationship with me, 1, because he didnt want to ruin our friendship if we ever broke up, and 2, if he was at a party, he would "want to have fun" and wouldnt want to be locked down. I still wouldn't give it up to him, but I would kiss him. One fine evening, we got in his hot tub.. and I'll just say this.. we made out passionately, It was definitely one of his BEST memories. No clothes came off, but there was something about that moment where I let go, and let all of my love and care for him come out. I was hoping he would understand and see that I wanted him for myself. He didnt get into a relationship with me, but that put me up in a higher rank in his heart. He told me around the beginning of November that he "wanted to get laid before the end of the year" and I told him that he knew my conditions( to be my boyfriend before I did anything sexual at all with him) He of course went for a newer girl. And I stopped talking to him like he was going to be with me, but I waited for him to get this girl and do his thing and be done with her. He came back to me around New Years. He would always tell me that I was the only girl he had been with in a long time. But I had lost the hope he would be all mine, no sharing, because it became so repetative. Brent came back to me, begging for me. I wanted to tell him more than anything, Im with another guy, but I knew he would never give up his ways for me. So I was lonely and took Brent back. And this is where we are now. Brent has changed but not completely. He's gotten agry with me and hit my car, but It has been nice. He treats me better, but not amazingly. And he still doesnt want to hold me at night, and when I ask him to, he gets mad. But now, Robert has been talking to me. We talk at night on the phone for hours. I stayed up with him until ten till 5 am. I told him that I loved him. He told me he loved me. I don't know exactly if Robert meant it, but he did stay up til 5 am and not get bored, tired, or mad. We hung up because he knew I had a 2 hour drive that morning. I've never had anyone care about me that much. But it's not fair because I never know if he's being sincere or if he's using the charm like he does with other girls. But I think it's sincere because he said he wants to be with me now. He "gives up" trying to be how he was and he wants to be with only me, he said "you know me better than I know myself". Which is true. The Problem: I'm with Brent now... and I dont know how to end it. If I did, I would feel bad because he jsut lost his job, and he's spent money on me. But lets say I left him and got with Robert but what if Robert CANT change... then what..Can you give me advice on how to leave Brent, supposing Robert can dedicate himself to me. I hate hurting him, even though he has hurt me so much. I know he will use every one of his tricks to make me feel bad. Thank you for reading about my crazy life. Thank you for helping me. -KL
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a break, abortion, best friend, broke up, liar, lost his job, money, myspace, nude pictures, player Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): First of all, Brent isn't a man, if he has to raise is hand at you. He shouldn't have even raised his voice at you. You need to realize that him hurting you emotionally shouldn't have happened, the fact that he escalated to physical abuse is completely inexcusable.
After what he has done to you, you don't need a reason for leaving him, you just need to do it.
If possible call him over the phone and tell him you had enough.
Make it blunt and clear that, It Is Over!
A phone call will probably be easier, because if you confront him face to face, he will more likely be able to control you again easier.
You should try to change your phone number as well, or just not pick up when he calls. If he comes around, you shouldn't answer the door.
Do everything you can to show him that you are done being treated the way he treats you.
You Are A Lady, He Is Just A Mere Boy, And He Needs To Be Put Back In His Place.
If things get out of hand, and you start to feel afraid or threatened by him, then consider seeking legal action, immediately.
As, for Robert, some guys need to get their priorities straightened out. If he is going to continue to want to have fun, then don't wait around for him to finish. You are a lot higher then he will ever be.
Go find a man who will treat you right. There are a lot of men out there that will do just about anything to show a lady that she is the one and only.
You need to gain prospective, and broaden your horizons, Leave those boys behind, and go find yourself a real man.
You deserve him. :-)
A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (19 January 2009):
 To be honest hon you should let them both go! They appear to both be players in their own way. They both have a few good quialitites yet both can be abusive to a point. Brent seems to be the most violent of the two. The abortion apparrantly messed his head and heart a bit. He hasn't dealth with that completely. Robert IS NON COMITTAL.
Don't let the words I LOVE YOU be taken for granted but also be wise enough to know that they may mean LOVE in a different form than being IN lOVE.Robert appears to be somewhat of a confidante, supporter of your cause and a companion. He apprears to enjoy your company but he isn't willing to give of himself entirely. You will always be getting the scraps of his ROMANTIC AFFECTIONS unless he changes his views on things. Brent should never be allowed to hit your or anything else around you. This violent pattern has basically switched from you to inatimate objects(ex. car) but as any moment he could decide to let go and HIT YOU AGAIN.
When you are lonely you have a pattern as well. You don't want to be alone. This causes you to go back to men who really aren't giving you what YOU DESERVE! You should have the attention,companionship,faithfulness,care,love, honesty and all the rest that comes from a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. The fact that you wrote here asking how to get rid of BRENT shows that you are afraid to make that decision on your own. You DON'T want to hurt him or make him unhappy because he came back acting like he really loves you. Robert, you won't have sex with because you aren't ready for that with him as he won't have you as his girlfriend.
I suggest you think hard upon the relationship that you have had with both of these young man and realize that NEITHER of them have been really good to you. Hon it's scary and painful to let go of people you love but sometimes it's the best thing you can do for all concerned. Both of these young men have issues and sadly you can't help them. They need to realize their shortcommings and take a different view about themselves and how they have treated you. Brent needs to get anger managment and possible mental health evaluation because he may be suffering from depression concerning other things in his life. The abortion probably has had an affect on him. Robert needs to stop playing the feild or you should move him from FIRST BASE to the OUTFEILD! You need to spend more tme worrying about your life and your health. It's clear your aren't really their main concern.
I would suggest that you get professional conseling. You need to deal with your past as well. You need to learn how not to pick up on these men who probably see your need and bounce right in to save the day. The problem with this is that they in so little time usually revert back to the same ole same ole. Then you have what you started with ....As I mentioned before about the abuse, Brent's hitting on you and yelling and hiding things is all considered abuse in some form. He knows that the yelling and hiding things is going to tear your nerves up. Saying I'm sorry is fine but when you don't mean it enough to stop doing it.... 8-( As far as Robert he is keeping you on a leash just like a dog, only retreiving you when it's convienent to him! BE WISE HON and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. Let them know that you aren't going to be a part of their lives at all if they can't learn to respect you and treat you with loving care.
In the end results NEVER LET ANYONE HIT YOU! HAVE THEM ARRESTED! EACH time it usually gets worse. Even if he has gotten better, it usually happens that in time they revert back to the same personality. With help BRENT may have a real chance at being what you need and the same for ROBERT, but neither of them are giving the same as you. A one sided, unbalanced relationship is neither healthy nor fun.
Back off and let these two see what it feels like to be WITHOUT YOU! If contact is to be made, you let them to the calling, texting, visiting, etc. Make them come to you. Don't give in to your feelings. Stand up for yourself! Don't sleep with either of them. You are comming off as NEEDY and they are thriving on that. They may both love you but REAL LOVE in a REAL RELATIONSHIP should be much easier than what you have described. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE BEAT ON OR CHEATED ON TOE WIN ANYONE'S LOVE!
A GREAT LOVE DOES NOT DIE
IT MAY BE IMPOSSIBLE
BUT IT DOES NOT DIE!
Mimi Tanner
Somthings just aren't meant to be and those which are however sometimes evolve slowly.
There IS someone out there for you!
Finding him may be hard and waiting harder but most of the time it's usually well worth the wait!
LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST HON AND STOP SETTLING FOR MEN WHO DON'T LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT ALL THE TIME! FOR THAT IS TRUELY WHAT YOU DESERVE!
Here's something special for you and I hope it makes you feel great! It did me the first time I ever heard it. I have been in your shoes too with men who couldn't make up their minds. I've dated cheaters, those with fears of committment,real players and confused little boys. I want the best for you.
~~~~Jewel~~~~
~~~Stronger Woman~~~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipXWx6jRVIs
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, Landie  +, writes (19 January 2009):
 I really feel bad for you. You've had to go through a lot of terrible stuff from ( putting this nicely ) 2 asses.
You can't right what happened in the past (the abortion) but you can do something to improve your future. Leave them both and stay far away. It will be hard to leave Brent but in the end you have to think what will be best in your life. And these guys are pulling you down and making you doubt yourself.
You are too young to live with a guy that treats you like dirt. You sound like a sweet person who can do so much better.
If you wanna maybe talk privatly send me a message and good luck.
Things will get bettter
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A
female
reader, MT19  +, writes (19 January 2009):
Walk away from both of them, you have been at this for a very long time and perhaps it would give you a little perspective if you walked away from both of them and learned to be by yourself for a bit. At the very least it would give you time to decide what you really want.Good Luck !
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