A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend liked a girl (x) as a teenager and became obsessed with the idea of being with her, kissed her once but could not be together because his close friend was her recent ex. Years past and he broke up with many girls along the way after thinking he was over x but came across her again on a night out and realised her wasn't. After we were together for 5 months he broke up with me to be with her. I was heart broken but still loved him, I always knew he still had feelings for x but i hoped after time he would forget her and fall more in love with me. Over a period of 2 months while we were seperated he was in contact with me every day but he was also in contact with x every day. He met up with x on a night out and danced, chatted etc but they didnt hook up. After a few weeks we saw eachother again and he realised he still had feelings for me. We went for coffee etc and as time went on got back together. He told me once we got back together that he realised he didnt love x that it was an obsession and that he never met up with her, he admitted to organising to but cancelled. However recently he told me what I have already said above about them meeting up which means he originally lied to me. He was giving advice to a friend who likes a girl he cannot be with and said he avoids the area where x lives because he knows if he saw her again he'd go back to square one.(i wasn't in the room, I over heard) I believed he was over her, thats what he told me. What is square one? I've tried very hard to get over being left for someone else but four months later its still getting me down when I think about it too much. Am I second best? I asked him these questions but he doesn't seem to understand my insecurities. Am I being paranoid about this? I know he loves me but can I get over this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): My husband has a thing for a girl he has known since his first job. He used to hang around her but she was never really interested. He was absolutely obsessed with her and made a fool of himself. Years went on and he still kept in touch with this girl. We got married and as soon as this happened she was interested in him. I tried to explain that it was the fact that she wanted something that she couldn't have but the silly fool really thought that she had come to her senses and at last loved him. I knew all the time he preferred her to me and given even the slightest encouragement he would be off. So after listening to this and living like this for years I set him free. Now guess what she doesn't want him! I couldn't take him back as it was all too hurtful to me.
To answer your question I think it is possible to get over this but only if the man is really positive that he wants to do it and that he must cut all contact. The cutting all contact must also be totally his choice. If she is hanging around in the background it will never work. You would also need to be very strong. I think it is something you can do but would you want to? After overhearing his comment to his friend- do you really want to live like that with that hanging over you. I think you deserve a lot better and someone who only looks at and wants you.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 February 2010):
First time around, he left you for her. Now he's back and he's already said that if he saw her he would be back to square 1, meaning he's not over her. He doesn't sound over her at all, and you sound more like the spare. What happens if she makes contact again? You'll get hurt. If he loved you, he wouldn't feel that way about seeing her. I know it's painful, but it seems to me you've given him two chances and in truth he's just wasted the. Find a guy who does love you, and only you.
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (1 February 2010):
Have you told him you heard him, as this may help him understand your insecurities, as if he doesnt realise you know he simply thinks you still believe exactly what he told you.
This sounds like it was eating away at you anyway, and now that you know what hes said it will eat away at you even more. You need to decide whether you can accept the fact that he is with you not her, regardless of the fact he avoids her house, and just get on with your relationship, or if this is too much for you to deal with and you should reevaluate your involvement with him. But you NEED to speak to him, and be brutally honest about how you feel in the process, dont hint, or ask questions about him, tell him how YOU feel about it.
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