A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm married with 2 young kids and I'm feeling like leaving my husband for a guy I knew when I was 15-20 (I'm now 36). My husband and I have been together 7 years, having gotten pregnant in the first 6 months of knowing one another. We have had many issues, I have felt like the romantic / sexual portion of the relationship kind of ended when the baby was born. I have hung in there and tried to make the best of it. I have complained, which has gotten me nowhere.Now I'm having these strong feelings of love for an old friend, who always was in love with me and I him, but we did not get together because I was confused and young and I sabotaged it whenever it could have happened. We got in touch on the internet, I apologized for never telling him I loved him back in the day, and this opened up the door to us both admitting we still are in love with each other. We had just enough kissing and fooling around for me to know that we are also very compatible sexually, as well as emotionally , and mentally.I am trying to follow the advice of "cut off contact, fix your marriage". But I know in my heart of hearts, that I love my "other guy" more than my husband. I've always felt ambivalent about my husband. If it wasn't for the kids I'd be long gone. I want to have a relationship with excellent communication, but I don't want it with my husband anymore. Now, my question is - have any of you saved a marriage from a point like this? Really, what I would LOVE to do is create a stepfamily / blended family, I don't hate my husband but I don't love him either. I feel the soul of a potential child around me who wants to be my child with the "other man" because she said "You love each other". My marriage has had lots of conflict, power stuggles, financial type control. I have brought up that I was not happy, and it has led to arguments and meand and arrogant responses from my husband. My husband is a good man, sees the error of his ways and is promising a completely different future. I wish he had done this sooner, because now I don't want it with him.
View related questions:
kissing, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anna03  +, writes (19 August 2010):
Marriage is not all fun and games. It is hard. But it is a commitment. That is the point. Just my opinion. I really believe we give up too easily on each other. It has become a normal thing to get a divorce. Hope whatever you decide is the right decision for you. My sister is facing this same conflict. But choosing to try and work it out. Good luck in whatever decision you make.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback. It is difficult to know yet whether the marriage could be salvaged. I agree that I should ignore the "3rd party" and just focus on the marriage, as I do not have complete information about the other guy. The marriage has to be bad enough to leave it whether or not there is something more tempting out there!
My husband and I are doing a relationship workshop this coming weekend. I am hoping this will help clarify things one way or another.
I'm scared that the marriage IS salvageable - and I'll live with something that is OK - and miss out on something incredible.
Then again maybe the marriage is NOT salvageable, and the other guy will turn out to be a non-starter. Then I'll end up alone. Will I decide to miss my blah marriage at that point? We are good friends, and he supports me in raising our kids.
It is really counter intuitive, because all I want to do is obsess about this other guy and how great it's going to be when I get my hands on him... but I have to ignore that and focus on what's in front of me first.
The decision to have a 2nd child was based on the first child wanting one - and the marriage is not abusive - and I was committed to staying whether I liked it or not until these pesky feelings came along and altered the cost/benefit calculations!!
Thanks to everyone who responded!
...............................
A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 Hey there-I can't answer your question directly but I have been somewhere similar, having fallen for someone and realising that my marriage simply wasn't what it was supposed to be. Upshot is that, as a previous poster says, if you are thinking of ending your marriage, then you have to be absolutely sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Basically, it should not be because you can be with this other guy cos that just may not happen, and even if it does, it might not last. If you need to move on, then yes, you should but you have to do that knowing you may well end up alone. That's basically what happened to me but I very very much realised that. I left my wife because I had to-for my sake and hers (there were no kids involved so less complicated I think) - not because there was someone else ready to be with me. In short, it's the old adage 'be careful what you wish for'.
If you're sure it's not going aanywhere and can't/won't try to sort it out, then you have to decide what to do. But in my opinion, any third party should be kept out of that decision, at least for now.
The woman I fell for incidntally said she had the same feelings for me and she wasn't entirely happy with her marriage. But she didn't and wouldn't end it - for exactly the reasons I've mentioned...and that's ok with both of us. Just be sure...Hope that helps, take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Serenity1 +, writes (9 October 2008):
 Well it sounds as though you really are ready for a change. I can relate seeing as my husband and I got married within the first 6 months of our relationship also (because I was pregnant). I was never really head over hills in love with my husband, but I thought in time I would fall in love (never happened). We lasted for roughly 2yrs, and then he cheated on me and left me. To make a long story short he know has kids by two different women, and we haven't even got an divorce yet (I plan on completing the process at the beginning of 2009). But enough about me, I just wanted to let you see that your situation could be worse. I understand that you say your heart isn't in your marriage, but for you to stay with him for so many years and get pregnant a second time there must be some type of feelings. If not I suggest that you have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel you never know he might be having some of the same feelings. Just don't keep stringing the situation out, if you feel you want to move on then move on. Life is to short to waste years of you life unhappy.I would also suggest that you discuss how you feel with your guy friend to see if he feels as strong as you do about reuniting/rekindling what you two had as teenagers. But even in the event that he doesn't you should still move on from your husband if you heart is not there. Don't just consider leaving him because you have someone else do it because you know it's the right thing to do. Not just for your sake but also for the kids. If they are going to have to adjust to not living with their father then it should probably start sooner than later. Hope this helps.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Old flames burn brightest, just be careful and realise before you burn your bridges that this guy is not the same guy as the one you knew way back when. Recognise that one of the reasons you feel the emotions and sexual feelings you feel with him is because of the image you have of him 25 years ago. Your post raises the question who was looking for who in this relationship and why. Think about whether the sex and emotional attraction is not fuelled by nostalgia an urge to return to a more carefree time in your life. You also have to consider the kids does the old flame accept they come too. Finally Just because this guy tugs the heart sptrings and tickles your G-spot doesn't mean it is Love it simply means you are open to something dangerous and exciting for Love is so much more than a feeling in the heart or in your pants
...............................
|
