A
female
age
30-35,
*ovely sunshine
writes:Hi there, first of all my thank you so much for looking at my question. I’m 29 and my partner is 25, I met him at the start of last year, 14 months ago. I’m not sure whether he is emotionally abusive or if we are just a bad match. I don’t want to break my family up unless necessary, this is a long one so I do apologise! When I met him he treat me like an absolute queen, he was honestly everything I’ve ever dreamed of and made me believe that ‘the one’ must truly exist. He shared my ambitions and love for travel, was romantic and brought me flowers, slow danced with me and cooked for me, he would ring me for hours and hours on the phone to hear my voice. I fell harder than I’ve ever fell and it hurts me so badly that this didn’t last. I can’t even begin to tell you how strongly, deeply in love I fell. I noticed a couple of red flags as time went on; he would give me the silent treatment if I upset him, sometimes the reason would be very irrational (based on an item of clothing I had worn, or the fact that a bartender was flirting with me when we went out together as a couple), sometimes I would get the silent treatment for a couple of days to follow, which would give me terrible anxiety and leave me unable to sleep and I’d just cry all night - because I was so deeply in love. Anyway things would always go back to normal and he’d usually do really sweet things afterwards and I’d be happy again. It meant a lot to me that this man wanted to have lots of children, a marriage and to settle down (it seems a rarity in my generation). The fact he was romantic and treat me with such passion, and would call me so many times throughout the day to see how my day was going, I jjust felt I’d finally met someone who truly cared and thought of me all the time.Things went fast and we moved in together. He would sometimes go a bit cold on me and not be very nice, but we could usually fix it. I would try my best to amend whatever I’d done to upset him (this could be things such as prioritising getting my hair done instead of doing his university work with him, it was never things I did intentionally, I did try very hard to be a good supportive partner and did many all-nighters helping him with his University work). I also noticed if I tried to talk to him that he would deflect and bring up something I had done wrong instead. For instance if I was concerned about the way he acted with his phone, he would get defensive and then proceed to tell me the things he wasn’t happy with me about, I’d then end up sitting chatting to him about the mistakes I’d made and apologising for these instead, and eventually I learned just not to bring any issues up and not to talk about anything I was upset about (relationship wise). If it wasn’t to do with the relationship however, he’d be really supportive and sweet to me.Now I’m going to get some hate for this, I realise it was a very very stupid thing to do, please don’t be mean, as believe me I now realise what a bad decision it was and I’m paying for it. - he asked me to try for a baby. I was soooo head over heels in love with him and I wanted more than anything to have a family. He would ask me for a baby every day, and even when we went shopping he would take me to the baby isle, I love him so much and I wanted to make him happy. I should mention that he grew up in a very nasty family and ran away from them all, so he has nobody, so a family was all he ever wanted. I felt as though I could finally give him that snd make him happy. I also knew it might take years due to certain fertility issues, so I felt if we started trying now it would be a long time before I got pregnant anyway. I found out he had an account on Twitter where he followed loads of sex accounts to watch porn, and I also found out he’d been looking at girls’ Only Fans accounts throughout the entire relationship and lying to me about it. I should mention, I have no issue with pornography, but to me things like Only Fans and Twitter are a lot more personal because you can interact with these people if you want to, you can literally pay them and message them. To my knowledge he never paid or messaged them, but he had lied to me a lot about it and always said he wasn’t the type of guy to watch girls Only Fans. I realised he had been looking at girls twerking on Tiktok and searching pornstars up on Instagram for the entire relationship. I don’t have an issue with actual porn websites, but to me it’s different when it becomes more personal. Anyway he got very embarrassed when I talked to him and he wasn’t happy with me, so I let it go. I then realised I was pregnant. Since then, he has felt a tremendous amount of pressure on himself. We both work full time and I earn a bit more than he does, but he has a dream to be very wealthy one day, and I know he stresses a lot about this. When he gets stressed, he goes into a dark place where he pushes me away and nothing I can do can really help. Anyway things have been going downhill ever since I got pregnant (I’m now 7 months pregnant). I’ve tried my absolute BEST to rekindle things but he keeps going to dark place, snd I often feel I can’t do anything right. In December he started being very cold with me and it honestly broke my heart. I would do everything to try get him back into his loving self, but he was cold for no reason and would often not speak for days. He has bad mental health issues and I would always try to cook him nice meals and be very affectionate to try make him feel better. Sometimes I would feel hurt myself because I’d just want us to be happy and in love but I’d feel like I was on eggshells. He used his Instagram in front of me and I saw in his search history he had looked up the same girls name about 4 times. I asked who she was and he swore he had no idea why he had searched her name and didn’t know who she was. A week later he was using his works laptop and her name popped up on the ‘Teams messenger.’ I was worried so he let me check the messages - it wasn’t terrible as such, but he had been teasing her about her accent (which seemed a bit flirty to me) and twice he told her that he owed her a drink because she had been so much help to him regarding a work project. He’s naturally very charming to everyone, but I did find it a bit worrying - we had a huge argument over it, almost broke up, and he agreed to be much more careful in how he spoke to her in future (she was very pretty and I do feel if he was looking her up on social media that he had some sort of curiosity/potential attraction). I was pregnant at this point too of course.Things got better for a few months, then he discovered I didn’t have any savings for the baby. I will hold my hands up here - I’m completely in the wrong and should have been much more prepared. I was very deluded and it was wrong of me. He went absolutely crazy, he shouted so badly I’ve never been screamed at so much in my life. I told him how terrible I felt and how bad it was of me and assured him I would make the appropriate changes and that I would scrimp and save so that it would never be an issue again. However he kept screaming and shouting to the point I was on the floor on my knees crying my heart out hysterically snd I couldn’t breathe. He was being really nasty. He let it go but said he would need to go through my entire bank statements because there was ‘money going missing’ (there wasn’t, I’d spent too much on clothes, food and taxis, and admitted to this). I felt really scared and intimidated at this point snd I just wanted it all to stop. He still kept pushing and pushing, then the neighbour actually knocked and told him to stop yelling. This argument got brought up many times, I agreed to stop buying any clothes at all, and to stop getting my nails and hair done altogether. I realise it was selfish and irresponsible of me. However I said I would still like to get my lashes done as it’s the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, but I said even then I would cut it down by half. I wrote down everything I spent and he would just get very very very angry all over again, telling me I needed to give up my lashes too, that I’m selfish and should only be thinking about this baby and not myself, and telling me that my lashes looked terrible anyway and that they made me look cheap and easy, and he said this is the reason I get the wrong sort of attention from men. I hardly left the house at this point and he didn’t like many of my friends, but I agreed to stop going out altogether (as I say, it was maybe once every 2 months that I’d go out tor food with the girls or something). I agreed to give this up as well to save money. I’m very passive and will usually let him win the argument, I felt I’d already agreed to change a lot of things. I totally believe it was my fault, but he was soooo nasty. There would be a few more arguments to follow where he would be shouting at me to the point I was crying historically and couldn’t breathe, begging him to stop crying. He would tell me that I was obviously hiding stuff on my bank statement (I sent him a video of the most recent month but refused to show him absolutely everything, because I knew he would pick faults and that he’d just get more angry). I also agreed to a joint bank account but this wasn’t enough, he still wanted to go through all my statements. He also doesn’t like me leaving the house and when I do he will call me multiple times, and then tell me how long it took me to walk to the shop as though it’s a really bad thing. Sometimes when I defend myself he gets angry and says ‘are you taking the ****?’ So at this point I just back down as I can’t stand to argue. He’s also told me I’m emotionally blackmailing him when I cry - this isn’t the case and my tears have been genuine, if anything, I’ve cried myself to sleep more than he will ever realise. The problem is, he only sees things from his perspective. If I try to talk to him, he will just mention the things I’ve done wrong and will deflect, so we can never ever talk about anything that bothers me in the relationship. Well over the last month things have got even worse. He won’t have sex with me, he sometimes pushes me away for no reason, and he even told me at one point after an argument that he didn’t love me. When I suggested breaking up he made me feel like the bad guy, like I was walking out on our family. I’m 7 months pregnant and I cry most days. I’ve had the most awful pregnancy. He doesn’t want me to leave but doesn’t act as though he loves me. I don’t know if he is only staying for the baby. I just feel so unloved. I try really hard. I cook for him and every day, clean the house, do all his laundry and I work full time and will be working right up until my maternity leave (I also get 6 months paid maternity leave). I always give him head massages, foot rubs, I’m always sweet and affectionate to him. I’ve noticed I will be the one who makes him coffee and pancakes on the weekend, but if he makes himself a coffee in the morning he doesn’t even make me one. He used to be the opposite of this. I always want to cuddle with him snd show him love. He also told me he wants separate bedrooms so he can sleep better, which hurt me as it’s the only time we get to show physical affection snd I miss laying close to him. He’s very sketchy with his phone and takes it everywhere with him - even to pee. He’s barely wanted sex throughout my pregnancy but is always watching porn constantly, by which I mean Only Fans, girls Tiktoks, and searching girls Instagram pages then hiding it from me. I don’t know what else but sometimes I wonder if he might even be talking to other girls, as I recently found out he cheated on all of his exes. He’s not sleeping with anyone else because he doesn’t leave the house, he likes to stay home all the time. I realise most of this is a result of my own poor decision making, please don’t be too hard on me as I already realise how silly I was for getting pregnant and I’m really paying for it. However I don’t want this baby to grow up in a broken home. What on earth do I do? Does he love me? Is he just stressed or is he showing his true colours? Should I try to fix my family? I’m still deeply deeply in love with him. Is it possible he could go back to being that man I used to know? This man used to treat me like a queen and I don’t understand - am I just not the person he thought I was? Am I a bad partner?
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ambition, broke up, cheap, emotionally abusive, flirt, flowers, his ex, money, moved in, neighbour, porn, teasing, university, unloved Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2022): You say this guy has mental health issues but seriously? Do you honestly think your own mental health is fine? It is not. A mentally healthy person would not rush into living with someone and having a baby by them that quickly, nor would they stay once it is so bad, they would find a way, any way, to get away from someone that abusive. They would not need to write to others for advice - it would be as clear as day. Please leave this waste of space and get the mental help you need instead of telling yourself he has mental health problems. He is cruel and dishonest, yes, that does not make him mentally ill and he benefits from those traits. You did not benefit at all from yours so they were not a choice, they were due to your mental illness. I expect you believe that he will become nice again when the baby is born - no that will not happen. And trying to change someone and hold onto a dead relationship through a baby is unfair on the baby and never works. It simply wastes a great deal of time where you could be better off and happier and safer without him. You have made some terrible choices and this is the result of it, now try to think in a more grown up, logical and less naive way. Get help to do that if you need to. Do it for the sake of the baby if not for yourself.If you suffer more because of your choices that is one thing, but your baby did not make those choices. Once you are safe get the mental help you need. I am a therapist and believe me you do need it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2022): You don't stay with someone who is abusive, even if you are without a child. When a child is involved it is even more important, you are obliged to take care of them and protect them!
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (24 April 2022):
 Call a family member or a friend, explain the situation, and get out of there immediately.
You are not safe and neither is your unborn baby. This is how it all starts, trust me. It starts offers cruel words, escalates to shouting, into breaking things and smashing walls, then he’ll put his hands on you, and then he’s going to start putting his hands on the baby. I’ve seen it happened so many times, my own father was the same way. You are dealing with a toxic, controlling narcissist.
Sending you loads of hugs and prayers, Gold. Stay safe and strong, you need to do what’s best for you and the child now. And he definitely is not it. You will probably read these answers and ignore them, you’ll justify his behaviour, he’ll never raise his hands on you, you’ll tell yourself. but please just at least make someone aware of the situation. Judging by your post, he’s made you push everyone away, he’s isolated you, and he’ll make you feel like nobody wants anything to do with you, but it’s not true. If your friends are you a real genuine friends, they will have seen what’s going on and hopefully will be there to help you, if not your friends, then a family member, and if not a family member, then contact the authorities, the police or something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2022): As an RMN I can not give professional advice on a site forum, I can however, personally tell you .. get out .. call your family.. friends or even a shelter . But get out. He is not going to change back to what you thought he was, sweetie . That was a charade afacade to catch you. Now you see the real him . He doesn't want
You .. he wants to control you. I could go on but what you need is support and good therapist to talk your feeling over .
This is just about you anylonger . Think of the baby . He will control this child like he does you and the baby may never be good enough .. pretty enough .. smart enough .. do you want your child living under a black cloud and your unhappiness.
Get out .. quickly and safely . Get your dad or if you have a brother.. male cousin ..even the police if you have to . To get you out safely . The time is now .
Take care sweetie.. let us know how you are doing . Huggles
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2022): Don't dispise yourself for getting pregnant and for allowing yourself to grow the baby for seven months because you will find your baby to be a beautiful and innocent little being that you can love and cherish.
Don't be scared to be a single mum because there are some wonderful single mother families in this world.
Don't dispise single mother's because they frequently do a wonderful job.
Be thankful that your ex is now sleeping separately from you.
Be extremely grateful but don't let him know that or he will get ugly and demanding.
Let him think you are that poor, duped, fragile thing who can only cry if he gets his temper aired.
But see the strength in yourself.
See that you alone have grown this child.
He put the seed in instead of dropping it into his clammy hand.
Be grateful that their is so much help out there for woman who are expecting a baby.
Be grateful that so many kind women become midwives and nurses.
Remember you can tell them what is going on at home.
Know that you give a good account of events and that an outsider can have an instant understanding of your horrific life events at home.
Remember that if you asked the midwife or doctor to help you to get away for 'safe guarding ' purposes, then they would whisk you away to a safe place where you do not have to be tormented any further by this con man who faked love to get you under his control.
Think of the baby and how important it is for the mother and child to have a strong bond and connection.
This innocent child needs your love and protection and you are equipped with everything you need to do that.
Remember that one day the baby will smile at you and you will be able to smile back with genuine love and warmth.
Don't worry about money.
You will get help and if it is deemed safe enough for you to do so, then you will be able to seek a solicitor to get childmaintenance from the absent father.
I say 'if it is deemed suitable!' because he is mentally ill and may progress into a psychotic episode at any time.
When you cry, he will be clocking up your instability,ready to claim you are an unfit mother and he will try to remove the child just to hurt you.
Because all the things he did were calculated to hurt you.
Ask yourself if you have experienced this sort of thing before in your parents life or if this has come out of the blue.
Our tolerance to this kind of thing escalates to an extent where we normalize it.
But never underestimate how calculating he can be.
And think this over carefully and seek help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 April 2022):
 Oh OP,
It breaks my heart to read your story. You thought HE was a great guy, that you had hit " the jackpot in a partner" he hid it very well for as long as it took to get you "hooked" and emotionally invested. Why hide it? Because he KNEW from experience that women don't want a selfish a-hole as a partner. So he PLAYED the part of the "great BF".
He then got you hooked and knocked up. So that YOU (probably) won't think leaving is an option.
Op, you made a child with a guy who is a TOTAL ASSHOLE. And you know it. Now. Staying with him will not make him change. It will ONLY make him escalate. He went from "silent treatment" to "train you" to not ASKING any questions. To not question HIM. To not MENTION things you would like for him to stop doing or at the very least THINK about. You took to the "training" like a duck to water. You stopped asking, you stopped bringing up NEGATIVE things HE did or said.
What's next? Well, he started to SCREAM at you. Verbally abusing you.
Sure, you should save up some money for baby. There will be a LOT of stuff you will need/want for baby, rather than getting nails and hair done and getting new clothes. though, you WILL probably need to get some maternity clothes (or some bigger pants, underwear, shirts at the very least).
However, HE has no right to scream at you, or abuse you because you didn't think of this.
What do you think could come next? I can tell you. He will hit walls around you, throw stuff, break stuff and BLAME you. It will be YOUR fault - you MADE him do it. (that is how he will frame it - of course it's not right.)
After this? He will hit you. Then he will apologize and be all sweet for a little while, then hit you again.
All of this will become the "norm" if you LET it.
"Does he love me? Is he just stressed or is he showing his true colours?"
No, he doesn't love you. He only loves himself. You are a possession to him. He says jump, and you say how high. He tells you that you can't spend ANY money on yourself. Yet, how much has HE saved for the kiddo? Has he even proposed? (good if he hasn't because then it will be WAY easier for you to leave!)
I also don't think you have seen the worst of him yet, I think this will turn ugly REAL fast.
He is already isolating you. "I hardly left the house at this point and he didn’t like many of my friends, but I agreed to stop going out altogether (as I say, it was maybe once every 2 months that I’d go out tor food with the girls or something). "
Honey, OP.
YOU need to get out. Call your parents if you are on good terms and GTFO of there.
He is NOT safe to be around for you OR your child.
Last bit of advice, you can LOVE someone and be ABSOLUTELY wrong for each other. HE is ABSOLUTELY wrong for you. (and I think for 99% of other women too).
Loving someone is NOT a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship. Having a child with an abusive asshat is NOT a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship.
LOVE is not a cure-all. You can't fix this guy by loving him. You can't fix this guy by staying.
For YOUr sake and for your baby's sake, you NEED to get out. ASAP.
Hugs OP, call your mom. Tell her what's going on. Call a friend. Or friends. And find someone to live with while you get on your feet and prepare for the little one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2022): Sweetheart, just to let you know, I've read every word. I don't discourage long posts; because the venting is therapeutic, it also gives you a chance to introspect. I am very sorry for the the sadness and pain you must be feeling at this time; and it's even worse that you have to go through a pregnancy with someone treating you this way. May God give you comfort and protection. If you're not a believer, it doesn't matter; God is good to all. He allows it to rain and the sun to shine on the believer and the unbeliever. Nobody is better than anybody. We all have faults and we are all sinners. We all fall short of the glory of God. Take a little tough-love to open your eyes, and to stiffen your spine.
I know the word "narcissist" will be used by those offering responses to your post; because a lot of what you've described is narcissistic behavior. First, he makes you believe you're a goddess worthy of worship, the sun rises and sets on you; and your poop don't stink. Next thing you know, you're garbage; your tears are compared to battery acid, and he shrinks away from your touch like you were infected with the black plague! Nobody changes that fast, or so drastically; but a person suffering some form of psychotic-disorder or mental-illness.
Through all the sadness and anguish expressed in your post, I caught this:
"He has bad mental health issues and I would always try to cook him nice meals and be very affectionate to try make him feel better."
Therapy and counseling can take years; even prayer for someone takes time to manifest.
If you knew he has bad mental-health issues, and a history of family-dysfunction; it's illogical that you so quickly moved-in with him and got yourself pregnant. What do you consider to be a deal-breaker? On top of that, all this has occurred within the span of less than a year and half!
You don't want people to be mean; but it isn't being mean to be straightforward and honest with you. Even a compliment can be taken the wrong way; if you're oversensitive, or trying to control the narrative. Especially, when you yourself identify your actions as not very wise, or out of character. Even when you realized your relationship was deteriorating; and he was becoming extremely abusive! By this time, you had also discovered his raunchy escapades on social media. Yet you consciously and deliberately ignored everything; as bad as things were getting. Basing everything on how he was before; but not at all on what he was progressively and consistently becoming. You have to work-on that. You bury yourself deep in denial! Your post proves you're beginning to see the light! Praise God!
Sweetheart, based on your post, your health and the baby are at serious risk!!! This is not as simple as him being stressed-out! He is being psychologically-cruel, aggressive, and relentless! He has taken complete control over everything you do! He denies you everything that brings you pleasure, and demands your total submission. You grovel and kowtow like a whipped slave; and in spite of all your pleading, he just gets all the more agitated! Even a neighbor had to intervene due to all the shouting!!! It wasn't just the noise, he was letting him know that someone is bearing witness to his abuse! Maybe the neighbor was afraid the rage was escalating to a point something bad was about to happen to you! It's probably so regular, people are worried for your safety!
If he is, in fact mentally-ill; that requires professional evaluation and treatment. Rational and healthy people do not behave with such aggression and cruelty. There is no excuse for it!!! Healthy people do not fly into fits of rage; and relentlessly intimidate you to the point of making you cower to the floor like a terrorized child! You've seen his very worst behavior; but you didn't pay attention to not one single solitary red-flag; because you wanted to rescue and fix him. What do you think you can salvage? He has cut you off from everybody, and even the simplest of pleasures! It has nothing to do with the money; he's demanding your total submission and obedience. Wearing you down to nothing but a quivering pathetic mess! He has robbed you of your human dignity!
You are 26 years old, and by this time in your adulthood; you know you don't try to fix people. The hardest venture we will ever undertake in our lives is self-improvement and self-change. When and where do we find time to fix other people? How much abuse must a person take to realize they're in serous trouble???
You are not a fool, you know when you are being abused; but you were a little too much "in-love" with the idea of romance, and maybe a bit too enthralled with fairytale-love. Now turn that energy into courage and determination. Switch-off "love-mode" and switchover to "survival-mode!" You've made the common mistake we all make for the sake of love; we put all common sense aside to pursue what we realized in the back of our minds was actually too good to be true. A plethora of life-lessons have been learned here. Keep both your feet planted firmly on the ground! Heart and mind must work in-sync. The foolish-heart will drive you over a cliff, and tell you that you can fly! When we were all just teenagers, life was full of daydreaming and fantasies of love; but once we are out fending for ourselves, we have to put our survival-skills to use. See the world though adult eyes! Romantic-love is wonderful, but it's meant for mature and reasonable people. It's just a trial of feelings when we're still teenagers. You grow out of that. I bet you've matured something fierce over the past 14 months!
I reiterate...he has mental-health issues...and you know it, sweetheart!!! All efforts to calm him down, or to diffuse his tantrums, are futile!!! Bail-out! Abandon ship! Run for the hills!!! CALL FOR HELP!!! He's just in a calm before the next wave of storms hit!
What really bothers me about posts from abused-women, is when they make no mention of their own families! They kick everybody else out of their lives for him! "Cuz I love him!" ***SIGH!!!***
In your epic narrative, you've mentioned absolutely nothing of your own family-life! Oh, but something tells me someone close to you picked-up something about him that wasn't right! You probably blew them off, and dismissed all their warnings. I bet your friends don't like him!
I know some alarms went-off in your social-circles! Especially, when you were becoming isolated from your friends. Not allowed to socialize. You went out with the girls; but like most abused-women, you probably pretended you are still in-love and living in lala-land!
The first thing our friends will do when they hear less and less from us; is to try to let us know something is wrong with that person you're with! He always finds some reason not to like your friends.
Your pride and all that bragging about how wonderful he is prevents you from admitting..."Oh my gosh, this guy is nothing like who I thought he was!" It's not really unusual for women undergoing such abuse to make absolutely no mention of their own parents, no particular reference to their best-friend (or having one); or making no mention at all of your own family background. Your entire existence is centered around this man. That's how you tell she is isolated and kept apart from those who love and support her. You'll also develop a case of Stockholm's Syndrome, and you'll deny he's all that bad and protect him. You will deflect all suggestions or advice that you are in an abusive-relationship. You will try to convince yourself you can make things like they used to be. What things used to be was entirely fabricated, a contrived Hallmark card love-affair, it was put-on, fake!!! He created your dream-man to sucker you into his grip. He pretended to be anything and everything you could ever want! You've obviously spoken to his exes, and you know what he really is by now! Don't consider yourself stupid or a fool, you were probably duped by narcissist. You just have to learn to pay attention to the warning signs in a man's behavior, and not get so caught-up in your feelings you pay no attention to the robot frantically waving his arms and warning: "Danger, Will Robinson!!!"
I can also tell when the abuser may have seen the post; and the OPs comeback and change everything they've said. Suddenly, they didn't mean to convey that he was that bad. He has vowed to change, and everything is how hunky-dory! There were too many responses advising the OP to leave, all they wanted was some sympathy. Be that the case, it's wrong to "cry wolf!" People are truly concerned for you!
No-one intentionally comes here reply to a post, just to be mean to people expressing their pain and suffering. We don't take kindly to buffoons and trolls. Moderators will not allow abusive language or intimidating posts through. We do have freedom of speech, just as you do. We sometimes have to be a little blunt in regard to recklessness, and address the elephant in the room; in order to encourage you to face-up to them. You can't correct what you can't see, or won't admit to yourself. You need "constructive criticism" to identify those faults that need immediate attention. You may hide in denial, while still clinging to false-hope. It's human. You have to be brought back into the realm of reality; because you are still in a state of fantasy, or under his spell. If you are a hopeless-romantic; you will cling to an imaginary ideal that you need to stick it out long enough; and everything will fix itself, and fall into place. NO! IT WILL NOT!!! You don't stay in an abusive environment to see how bad it can get! You get out before it gets worse! Never gamble with your health and well-being on account of some other person. They can do the ultimate and absolute worse to you, short of killing you; and all they can say for it is, "they're sorry!" I'm tempted to use a string of expletives to emphasize the point made here, but I won't!!!
You moved-in with a man 5-6 or so months after you met him; and almost immediately got pregnant! If you are estranged from your family, then I can understand where there must be no-one there to slow your roll, to keep you level-headed about your whirlwind-relationship. You so easily let another person talk you into one of the most profound, and most life-changing events you will ever experience in your life! To become a mother! To bring a child into an environment that isn't even safe for YOU!
Oh-well! It is what it is now. I'm not bashing you, but it can't be simply dismissed as an "oops!" There is a little living human being growing inside you. Totally innocent, helpless, and dependent.
You are in a very vulnerable state, mentally and physically. We can't come to your rescue physically; but we can give you comfort, prayer, and advice.
Lets discuss what you should do now. Everything else is water under the bridge.
I pray to God in heaven, that you're still on good-terms with your family; and still have some lingering semblance of a support-system. If he has disconnected all your life-support; call each and every friend and family connection you have, and reconnect! Rebuild every salvageable bridge you can! Seek a safe haven! Get your legal ducks in a row for child-support. Avoid sweettalk, crocodile tears, threats, and promises. Look at what you've been through, and how sincere that has all been up to now!
Yes, there will be some "I told you so's" coming from your friends or family! What could be worse than what you're getting from him???
It is very likely he will check your phone and other devices to see with whom you're communicating; so he can cut them off. He will intimidate and tongue-lash you! The one thing he will make sure to do, and put an abrupt stop to; is to intercept anyone suggesting you leave him. Anyone encouraging your disobedience or pushback. I don't recommend sass or pushback; because he will lose-it, and you can't defend yourself.
He feeds on your energy and demands your worship. He has beaten you to a point of emotional-submission; so he can do whatever he wants. He knows you'll stay, protect, and obey him. You're afraid of him leaving you, and his anger terrorizes you. You crave his affection and approval. He will deny it. He will give you the silent treatment. He is not going to let anyone undo all his hard-work at turning your attention away from what he's doing, back at you! Keeping you gas-lit and believing you're the problem! He has you right where he wants you to be! You've caught him secretly having the time of his life online; and he has turned all that around on you! The dude has the unmitigated gall, to have you groveling and apologizing for your own mistakes! In spite of being a cheat and an abuser!
So, how much has he saved for this baby, he decided so expeditiously to impregnate you with? While hinting around about enticements like marriage, a picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a dog. Now he treats the dirt under his feet better than he treats you; while you're in a very critical phase of pregnancy. All he wanted to know was if his "boys" could swim? Now that's out of the way!
Get the hell out of there! Go home to your parents, find a friend, a family-member, or somebody with a spare room. Make your regular prenatal doctor's appointments, find some stress relief, seek some counseling for abused-women; and try to rebuild a lifeline back to your own family, if they've been trying to reach-out to you. If you come from a dysfunctional-family, and you're incurably estranged; then go-back to the family you've made with the people you consider to be the closest of friends. You need somebody other than just him! Pray to God for help, even if you've never prayed before.
I will personally pray for you. DC gives me a lot to keep praying for, which is a good thing. I like to stay in constant touch with the Almighty! May God's peace be with you!
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 April 2022):
 oh yes, you ARE the person he thought you were. You are kind, sweet, easy going and gullible, exactly what he wants in a partner. What isn't as it seemed is HIM. You fell in love with an act but he could not keep that act up for long, hence why he had to love bomb you are the beginning, draw you in before you realized what he was really like. If he had treated you like he does now from the beginning, likelihood is you would have walked away (I hope). The person you are seeing now is the real him. The person you saw at the beginning didn't exist. You fell "in love" with a lie.
You can't change the bad decisions you made in the past (not only getting pregnant by him but also moving in so fast and letting him treat you the way he does). However, you can change the future, for yourself and your baby, and walk away from this abuser.
Sadly, I doubt you will do it. Why? Because you live in this rose coloured world where everything can be fixed because you are "deeply deeply in love with him". Oh please. What do you love? The coldness and lack of affection? The silent treatment? The abuse (which I predict will eventually become physical as well as emotional and verbal)? The messing around with other women? The selfishness? He sounds like a real prize catch.
My advice would be to run and not look back. This is only going to get so much worse. If not for yourself, then for the sake of your child, you need to break free from this abuse. As your child grows and witnesses the way its father treats you, he/she will believe this is the way relationships should be and will go on to either abuse or look for partners who will abuse them. Is that what you want for your child?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2022): You are in a relationship with an abusive partner. He lured you in when he treated you like a queen and then he tested your boundaries. The only reason you are together is because you have none! Any healthy person would have left him. Little by little he realised that he can have his way.
Sorry to be blunt but Google borderline personality disorder or quiet borderline personality disorder. It is really a rex flag that you have accepted all of this and agreed to have a child with this man!
Your relationship with such a man is a consequence of the issues you haven't resolved yet.
I wish you all the best.
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