A
female
age
22-25,
*ueenCupcake
writes:Hi everyoneSo, my boyfriend has always said that he wouldn’t ever want to get married to anyone. He says that he’s not really religious, and the idea of committing to someone in the eyes the government kind of scares him as it means you are financially tied together and all of that.I kind of see where he’s coming from, and I agree, I don’t mind not being married, although part of me thinks it could be really romantic and cute However, I’m wondering if he’s starting to change his mind, as there are just a few little signs that kind of indicate that he could be. The whole topic of marriage has been discussed a couple of times, and a couple of times, he has caught himself out. For example, the other day, we were talking about the idea of proposing to someone on their birthday, and I was telling him how I wouldn’t ever want that, and then he said “Okay, so if I—- wait, I mean, if SOMEONE proposed…”And the conversation resumed. He also said that he never wanted to have kids in the past, he’s even talked about having a , vasectomy;but, again, we’ve talked about kids a few times and about how he would want a boy, and he’s often said that a mini me would be really cute, and we’ve spoken about how we would both be as parents. I’m just curious as to if he’s changing his mind, it doesn’t really impact or affect anything greatly. We are both heading in the direction of cohabiting, but I’m just wondering if he’s changing his mind. I mean we’ve got plenty of time, we are both very young, so no kids or marriage will be happening any time soon LOL, but I’m just intrigued… What do you guys think? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (28 April 2022):
QueenCupcake is verified as being by the original poster of the question HoneyPie
Yeah, definitely. I mean so far, it’s amazing. Both of our goals in terms of work are in the media field, we both want to end up cohabiting as soon as we’re ready, I’ll families love each other and I’ve never felt so appreciated the way he makes me feel.
@the Anonymous poster
Yes, and that’s the sad truth, that sometimes men just use it as a way to get what they want. As for how much time you spend with me and how he treats me, I really couldn’t ask for anything more. He always prioritises me and we always prioritise in each other. I’ve never had such a mutual respect in any other relationship and he makes me very happy
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2022): Anonymous, there are guys who buy a so called engagement ring and say let's get engaged/married just so that she gets undressed and jumps into bed when he wants her to. With no intention whatsoever of ever actually taking it to the next level. The way these guys see it is that it's a lot cheaper to buy her that ring and say a few words than it is to go to the local massage parlour/brothel/call girl and pay so much an hour. The ring does not mean much. I would go more by how much time he wants to spend with you and how he is with you. If he is happy to only see you once or twice a week and prefers to spend most of his time elsewhere then forget it, he is not really into you, ring or no ring.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 April 2022):
 Gotcha,
Marriage and kids... wait with the discussion until later, at least the serious ones. Who knows you might find out a year into dating that he just isn't your cup of tea.
Or you might decide that HE is your cup of tea, unless kids and marriage are off the table.
Enjoy the dating, get to know him, meet his friends, his family, and see what his values, morals, hopes, and dreams are all about. They might mesh well with yours, they might not.
That is what dating is all about. To see how good of a fit another person is.
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female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (25 April 2022):
QueenCupcake is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneyPie
Yeah, I get you. Yeah, it is pretty new to be fair, few months or so. We’ll see what happens, I suppose:)
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2022):
Thanks for the update!
Well, I'm glad that you are still positive about marriage after your first one!
As for your BF, you don't mention how long you two dated so maybe it's also still VERY early days to know much of anything.
He can change his mind and then change it again. So can you :)
I know a lot of people mention how marriage means nothing these days, but I don't agree. I think you can be absolutely committed to someone and NOT be married, and I do agree that the State/Government should (generally) stay out of marriages, unfortunately, I think there was a time when it was very much needed. And I think there are cases today where someone needs to step in. And I get it, men DO get shafted in divorces.
One, thing though, I don't think many guys take vasectomies lightly. That I why I would caution you to not just get caught up with the "cute" things about a "mini-me" or proposals.
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A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (24 April 2022):
QueenCupcake is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneyPie
Hey, thank you so much for your answer! I see you answering a lot of other questions and I always love your advice.
Anyway, to be honest, I think the idea of him proposing is more cute to me than anything. I have been married in the past, it was a rushed decision, I was young and stupid, and I listened to what everyone else was telling me; I was raised in a very religious setting UC, hence why marriage was very important back then. I’d learnt the hard way though, the man in question ended up being very abusive, manipulative and narcissistic. Thankfully, since the marriage wasn’t civilly done and was just a religious ceremony, it was easier for me to leave. But since then, I have been exploring my own morals, and beliefs and and now not very religious at all. Hence why I’m not too bothered by the idea of marriage. As it’s more of a religious requirement than anything, in my eyes. As for children, I’m still not sure what I want. The only thing that I do know for sure as I definitely definitely definitely do not want any right now, and if I ever have children, I want to at least to be in my mid 30s. Both things, marriage and children are something that I’m willing to consider in the future with this man, but right now, I really don’t want either. I was just curious as to whether he’s changing his mind, just because he’s been acting differently. I mean before we got together, he was adamant that he didn’t want marriage or kids, but now he seems to be changing. Before we got together we were just friends, and he would often say how he was terrified of committing to anyone, but now he calls me his soulmate and his life partner and the topic of marriage comes up sometimes, not with each other, but just in general.
Anyway currently I don’t want either, but I was just curious as to where he was on it to do the way he was acting. I’m not too bothered, because even if he has changed his mind or is changing his mind, I know we still have a few years to explore our options as we are both still very young; in our early 20s But I was just intrigued more than anything
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 April 2022):
Marriage isn't cute, and neither is having kids.
Seriously. I have been married for 25 years and have 3 "kids".
Both are HARD work. Rewarding but HARD work.
I get that you are young and impressionable so perhaps that is where the "romantic notion" stems from.
I think you need to accept what he is saying. HE SAYS he doesn't want marriage or kids.
If YOU want marriage and/or kids - HE is not the one for you. However, if he is your age (18-21) he MIGHT change his mind that is a possibility. you just can't BANK on that.
I hope you two practice VERY VERY safe sex.
Lastly, I can see a guy like your BF (someone who claims they don't want kids or marriage) knocking you up and then dumping you, with the "excuse" that you KNEW he didn't want kids. Or stringing you along for a decade with dumb "questions" about proposals whenever you talk about finding a guy who DOES want marriage.
We see those ladies on here all the time, in their 30's having spent 10+ years WAITING on the guy to propose and marry them only to get dumped for a wounger woman to start a family with who doesn't expect marriage and legal commitment.
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reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (24 April 2022):
QueenCupcake is verified as being by the original poster of the question@YouCannotBeSerious thank you for your answer, I appreciate your advice. I’m afraid I didn’t make myself clear. He used to say all of the stuff before we were together, about not wanting marriage and kids.
We have been best friends for about three years, he see. But he started changing since we got together. With regards to wanting a boy, he did say that he was joking. And whilst I understand your assumptions, I’m not hesitant about marriage because of what he wants, but because I have actually been married before. To another man, and it didn’t work out.
I grew up in a culture where marriage was essential and I made the mistake of following that culture and marrying Young. So yes, that’s why I’m hesitant
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 April 2022):
 You're very young and not yet at a point in life where you are willing to stand up for what you want. You are just going along with everything this guy says, despite none of it actually being what YOU really want. It seems, as long as you have a boyfriend, you are happy to put up with anything.
In my experience, when someone says they don't want to get married, what they actually mean is they don't want to get married TO YOU. When they say, I don't want kids, it actually means "I don't want kids with YOU". I have seen this so many times with friends and family - and, indeed, in my own life.
If you want kids, if you want to get married, stop wasting your time on this guy. If he tells you he doesn't want kids or to get married, HEAR him and BELIEVE him. And what is all this bullshit about "he would want a boy"? There are no guarantees about what gender of baby you will get. Loving parents are happy to accept either gender, and only pray the baby will be healthy. A baby is not about having a "mini me", an ego boost. It is a lifetime commitment.
You both sound very young and very immature. Seeing marriage as "cute and romantic" sort of sums up how young you are mentally. Move in together and play house if that is what you want, but stop selling yourself short. You deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2022): Its okay to plan .. to fantasy and look ahead . Thats what keeps us sane. As you are both young . I would advise not to sleep with him .. that is difficult when you get to the point of snogging your face of and all the hormones are racing and the word .. no... goes out the window . But, as I say to my own daughters . You want a guy to take you seriously dont have sex until you know where this relationship is going . Preferably there is a show of commitment .. a ring .. that symbolises the unity of you both . It doesn't mean a wedding is needed soon . It just shows there is commitment even if it doesn't work out . The relationship was serious . So wait .. make sure you both are going out having fun with one another and friends .. take your time .. As for his lil teasing .. it could just be that .. teasing and fantasy .. just you keep a hand on your knickers until he ready to show commitment .. words mean nothing .. its action that counts .
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