A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I just read some answers to a question that was posted about porn and some answers from you guys were that men look at porn stars who are completely different for what they go for in real life and it's not a threat at all to their partner. Huh?! I don't get it! Can you guys elaborate? If the women in porn are your fantasies, isn't that what you would prefer in real life? And wouldn't looking at these images a lot make you less attracted to the woman you're with if she doesn't look like that? Obviously porn is a big issue and a huge self-esteem blow for us women, so if you guys could elaborate on it you would be doing us a great service indeed.
View related questions:
porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2007): Ok, so I'm a female... but I had something in mind...
You asked what would happen if a man had a GF with a porn star body... well... I don't know... but have you noticed how we always want what we can't have? Or when men back in the days were aroused by the sight of an ankle? And how repetition makes you crave variety?... well...
Maybe if a guy had a GF with the looks of a beautiful porn star, he'd still check out "real" girls... just because he has the porn star. Sure, he'd be totally turned on by his GF (like it happens with most men in relationships with real girls), but he'd still like to see the other girls he doesn't have... there's always amateur porn...
I don't know... I'm usually just as bothered by you when it comes to the porn issue and my BF... I get totally insecure because porn chicks are so flawless and perfect, and it makes it hard to trust my BF when he says he thinks I'm hot (I usually think he says that just to make me feel good). But then again, I think, I might be wrong. I put things from another perspective... I start thinking, well, I think Orlando Bloom is mega hot... but does that make me want my BF any less? Heck no! Do I want to have sex with Orlando Bloom? No... He's just nice to look at... I don't know, sure he's sexy and a turn on, but the bottom line is he doesn't make me stop wanting my BF! I know guys are biologically different, they're more visual, they want to spread their seed, etc... but still... porn is just porn... I know some girls may disagree, but at least it keeps cheating probabilities much lower, you know, for looking for variety somewhre else...
And it's true... I guess what turns guys on is a mixture between the goos looks of a girl AND the things they're doing. I know I don't get turned on by the girls (nor the guys, porn guys are gross), but sometimes the things they're doing makes it for me!
The thing is... the relationship is the most important thing. The love, the companionship, the support... Sex is a very important part, true, but if his porn viewing is not an addiction, then I wouldn't worry. When porn interferes between the two of you, as any addiction would, then it's time to worry. But men are strange creatures (just as we are), and there are some things that are hard or impossible to explain... how come they watch porn, get turned on by super perfect women, and then go back to their normal GFs, and still want them like nothing else in the world? I don't know... I guess it's the same reason I think Orlando Bloom is hot but he doesn't make me wish my BF looked like him... it's almost unexplainable (there has to be an answer, but that goes beyond what I can say).
Bye... hope I helped at least just a bit :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2007): if its not the people but the fantasies ten i would ove to know why the female porn stars all look the standard bimbo., youngish, no stretc marks or body hair yet the men look like cra old overweight 50yr olds...yuk...sure seems to me that men DO care a whole lot about what the women look like...women arnt idiots we see that the average female porn star looks nothing like the average wife or gf...so you comment is an insult to our intelligence
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2007): It isn't the people themselves that are the fantasies, but seeing the act itself is. Many men (and women) love to watch and I see nothing wrong with that.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 June 2007):
 Thanks for waiting. Here are my thoughts on this issue:The lady who originally posted this subject wanted us to elaborate our views on porn. She could not understand why a woman should not think of her man "using" porn as a threat to her. She also said, and I quote, "obviously porn is a big issue and a huge self-esteem blow for us women". When I said I wanted to know how it could be a blow, she gave an explanation of how this would be. But then, another lady gave an interesting point of view as to how porn can be a blow to a woman's self esteem, and so I think I should comment on both questions.I still think there is no hard and fast rule on why we men will "use" porn. The obvious purpose of porn is sexual arousal, but I'm afraid it might not be the only purpose. For example, for a thirteen year old porn has a lot to do with a discovery of the female body. I knew the story of a 70 year old man who bought a computer and had an internet connection ONLY because he wanted porn. He had no hope of sleeping with any woman, so he had porn. But then, I don't think the issue here does not concern teen-agers or widowers, but reasonably "young" men, who have a stable relationship with a woman. Even among these men, I don't believe there is one single reason that could be applied to everyone and anyone, at any time.All men are born with an inclination for women. I believe that, deep down, we would like to have as many women as we could. So we never miss a woman; one second after seeing a woman we already know whether we like her breasts. We enjoy looking at women, as, I am sure, women enjoy looking at men. This has been said a million times, maybe, and it may sound like false, but our looking doesn't have anything to do with being pleased or displeased with our partner at the time. We are aware that this is just an impulse, some sort of an "automatic" reaction, and generally we don't leave the woman we have for someone we saw. Imagine if it makes sense for any of us to leave a woman we live with just because we know she doesn't happen to have the kind of breasts that porn starn was endowed with (by nature or by surgery).To partially answer a comment by the second anonymous lady, I want to talk about men "settling" for the girl next door. In this regard I can only speak about myself, but I am sure that many men (and women) will recognize themselves. I have never been involved with a woman who looked like a porn star, and yet it never crossed my mind that I was settling for less than I wanted. Much to the contrary, I did everthing I could to win their love. When the relationships finished, I have never felt I had wasted my time for being involved with them instead of a porn star. When in love, men and women tend to see the other person as perfect, in body and soul and everything. You don't dislike the grumpy mother-in-law or those bastards she call brothers. Et cetera. I believe that some men (and women) indeed "settle" for less than they expected, but I don't think porn is a reason for this.Of course the concern has nothing to do with men who just look at women they come across in the street or in a public place. The ladies' concern is about men who are having stable relationships and continue to look at porn.These days, contrary to what the original poster said, porn is not limited to blondes with big breasts. There is porn for everything, I guess, even categories that don't have that much to do with physical beauty, such as plump women, "grannies", and a category I learned to exist in a movie for teenagers: MILF's (mothers I'd like to f***). Nowadays, much of the attraction of porn doesn't have to do with simply looking at a woman's body. Porn stars are now doing things that many a housewife won't do, and it is my guess that this is what keeps many people hooked. Incidentally, many men find prostitutes for precisely this reason, and prostitutes know this and use it to their "advantage". This is not to say that a housewife should do what she doesn't feel like doing, but let's go back to the original poster's question: men's views on porn. Maybe some men "use" porn because there they find the excitement that they don't find in their sex life, through no fault of the woman's own, maybe. Suppose he wants something a little too kinky for you?Then, there can be one third reason for a man to visit porn sites. No man likes to feel he's whipped. Some men might feel emasculated if one day the find that, for whatever reason, they can't even fantasize any longer about other women. Personally, a woman I dated and loved very much wanted to get away with everything she did and, when I complained about something, she said that she was nor concerned about my complaint, adding that "I couldn't even think about dating someone else". Now, that thing was the final blow. I didn't cheat on her, but I started living a life and doing activities that didn't include her anymore. And, eventually, I left her and DID see someone else. So I can believe that some men might "use" pornography as a little rebellion, as a way to think that they are not whipped, and, also, as a warning in the way of "don't take me for granted; I might still have eyes for someone else".I also think there is foundation in the poster's view that some men might just not feel happy with what they have and think that porn is the "real thing". I understand that women dislike this and feel that, once a man gets a significant person in his life, he should forget about porn. Just as it would be hurtful to look at another woman while your partner is beside you. This is something I had not thought about, and I think I will have to accept this point of view. Porn CAN be a blow to woman's self esteem. It is hard for us men to see it this way for one simple reason: porn stars ARE women, too. For us, it's just a matter of some women having a certain physique, so we don't think of porn as demeaning to all women.Now, the original poster made a direct question: if a woman DID look like a porn star, would we look at porn? Men not inclined to "use" porn wouldn't, of course; and my feeling is that most men who do use porn would stop "using" it. But, should the relationship be bad, then they could eventually go back to porn. The question assumes that a woman with the body of a porn star is actually a guarantee of great sex, or a great relationship, or both, and it is only obvious that it is but a guarantee of "horniness" for a long time. And I have never heard of a relationship based on sex alone that lasted for very long or kept the parties happy all the time. Of course, sex with such women might make us very horny, but eventually that would go away.I agree that nowadays there is a strong pressure for women to be always pretty, always nice, always perfect, and I understand that women feel left out if they don't happen to have the "ideal" looks. That trend has reached men, too: the other day I saw a show where a young man, a twenty-something, was going to have surgery to enhance his legs, which he found too skinny for "people's" taste. The man also shaved his body hear and put some liquid on his skin to look shiny. Now, that's too much for nearly every man.In this regard, I understand the ladies' concern, but I don't think the solution is in men not looking at porn, but in abandoning the "most beatiful" rat race. Anyways, one day we will not be physically beautiful anymore. Maybe to many women's surprise, many men don't find skinny models attractive. Look at porn stars, ladies, and you'll find that most of them are curvaceous. No anorexic model is beautiful, believe me. Like my grandfather used to say, "They are called sins of the FLESH".Now, if you have a problem with your boyfriends or partners because they look at porn, I think you should let them know.I hope this helps. Otherwise, let's keep in touch.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (27 June 2007):
 Just wanted to throw this in. (I know I'm a girl... sorry.)
If a guy were dating a Jenna Jameson (porn star, in case you're not familiar), I guarentee he'd still be looking at porn.
And, as a lady I'm just as bad. I'm drooling all over Johnny Depp, Heath Ledger, Orlando Bloom - men that are gloriously beautiful... I'm not going to lie, if they put out a porn featuring beautiful, beautiful men (because let's face it, most male porn actors are pretty grody), I'd be all about it. I love my boyfriend and he is number one, but that doesn't mean that Johnny Depp and all his hotness won't make some night when I'm all alone a good time!!
If I were dating Johnny Depp, I'd still be drooling over John Stamos (he's fine, I don't care if his moment of glory was in Full House).
Lots of women feel the same way you do. "Why do you need porn when you have me?" True, true. You might ask me, "Gee, India, why do you have that six foot poster of Captain Jack Sparrow above your bed?"... well... yeah, those dreadlocks just do me good.
Oh yes, and my boyfriend says, "I could be dating the sexiest woman in the world and I'd still have a copy of Penthouse under my matress. How else will I get off when she's gone or has a headache??" to which I say, AMEN. I know when I'm not in the mood, I throw a dirty magazine at him and say "take care of things yourself". I know I'm his number one girl. I know that these girls aren't actual women to him... just images to speed up the process, and that's fine with me.
Not to mention pornography can spice up your sex life. Have YOU ever checked it out? Or maybe read one of those erotic romance novels (you know, the ones with Fabio on the cover). Those books are women's equivalent to porn. Our imaginations are much more vivid than a man's... they just need to see some breasts, and they're good.
Men view porn for the T & A, not to consider these women's personality or actually romanticizing with them. I swear, you could draw a stick figure with a big rack and a caboose the size of Texas and that would probably do.
As a woman, I think porn is fine as long as (like so many other things, i.e. alcohol, sex, partying, eating) it's used in MODERATION.
I know I'm not a male, and again - I'm sorry (I threw in my boyfriends point of view though!) - but I'm just throwing another opinion into the mix.
Allright sweetness!
xxIndia
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm leaving town for a few days so I won't be able to respond but will check for any replies as soon as I get back...in the meantime thank you for your advice!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked you guys if your partners did look as good as porn stars if you would still want to look at porn. One fellow did reply to this question and said if his partner looked as good as a porn star, why on earth would he need to look at porn? YIKES! If there are any males out there who can offer different views or elaborate on this, it would help alot of us women.
So here’s the question again: if your partner DID look like a porn star or model with the 22 inch waist and perfect huge breasts, would you still WANT to look at porn? Or are you set up so that no matter what or how great your partner looked, you would still want other women?
Again, I know that a relationship is so much more than sex and looks. But the physical aspect of a relationship is still important to me and I would like to come to terms with this porn issue so I can handle my relationship in a healthy, reasonable and fair way. Thank you for engaging in this debate and all your replies are greatly appreciated!
...............................
A
male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Regardless of the morals of porn, there is a very pragmatic reason for guys to avoid it: Men who look at porn (regularly) have less sex with real women than those who don't.
It only takes a few minutes to browse some of the many questions from guys who are in commited, loving relationships with seemingly lovely ladies, but who prefer the company of porn-stars and their own right hand to an intimate relationship with their partner.
Once you're aware of that fact, the other issues are really secondary!
Any ladies with first hand experience care to disagree with this hypothesis?
...............................
A
male
reader, Helfer +, writes (25 June 2007):
 In my opinion, porn is just a means of quick relief.
Like someone else said, porn stars aren't people, just images.
I think I can safely say most men would prefer a real women to some blonde bimbo in an online video, so REAL women have nothing to worry about.
:)
...............................
A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Alot of men will tell you the same As Daniel, She might look nice on the outside and have curves in all the right places... but you try having an intelligent conversation with one!! Okay not quite way out there porn but Katie Price, Sorry Jordon.. Before she went and totally wrecked her boobs, was an ordinary pretty girl with a great bust and lots of men lusted after her, but holding a conversation with her is somewhat of a difficult thing to do ... wouldnt most agree? What im getting at is that most men do look further when dating/being with a women, than comparing them to those porn images that they will see on a screen... I have had many a conversation with my man about pretty woman with A class figures and so on, he simply says yeah its okay to look but they aint you are they!... he says that most of the pretty faces he sees are simply just that, they havent got the personality or the intellect. Not saying that all girls with great figures and pretty faces are dull and boring, its just that they may look fantastic, but they are not always relationship material. Im not over the moon that my man looks at porn, and yes at times it makes me cross, but at the end of the day its me that he shares a bed with me that he loves and me that holds conversations with and me that he can touch. I know deep down that most men wouldnt really want to date these fab women on screen, to them it is simply like walking into a gallery. I think alot of the problem is that woman can sometimes over react and dont talk to their partners about it. They go off in a huff and dont hear the guy out, and being a women I know I invent a worse case scenario in my head! Why compare yourself to something on the screen ? Why put yourself through that ? If your guy really wanted an airhead then would he still be with you ?
Men are simple in that if they dont want to stay with someone then they wont, no matter what they look like.... Porn to men is like shiney thing! Look at it one second get bored and move on to the next shiney thing!
In short, you cant stop a guy looking, its too readily available, but you can give him some creedance. Men are very simple creatures, and sex alone wouldnt keep them in a realtionship. Im not saying I condone it, but at the end of the day it is just images well to alot of men anyway... they dont hold their girlfriends in the same light... and most wouldnt want their girls to be a porn star or look like one that would just give them paranoia! You cant have a realtionship on sex alone, and alot of men know that,women just need to be themselves, the more cranky you get over it the more you turn into a nagging old witch and thats when you lose your guy, not the fact he ran off with someone better looking with a better figure, not saying its like that in every case, but in the majority of cases, men are that simple, they like things straight down the line, what you see is what you get with most men, but with women we are slightly more nuts and do over react about the simplest of things. All the man sees is an image on a screen and thats it, they dont see much beyond that, so its their time they are wasting... Porn to men is like shoes to woman you can never have enough.
Women need to be more assertive, why let this porn issue take over your life, why compare yourself or lower yourself, why worry over an image on a screen or in a mag ? Why do that to yourself? Its not the men making you feel that way, its you! Thats half the battle, its whats in our head, not what the man really thinks!
Anyway thats my waffle, might make sense might not!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): If my partner looked anything like these women why one earth would I need porn women???
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Daniel, for wanting to share your views and understand this issue.
Hey, here's a question for all the guys - if your girlfriend/wife DID look like a pornstar - 22 inch waist, perfect breasts, flawless looking - would you still be looking at porn?
I think that would answer a lot for us ladies.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 June 2007):
Well, I see your point, and it's VERY interesting. It had never occurred to me that women could feel this way. I have found this to be the case in many situations and I very much want to explore these things. So, since you girls were kind enough to elaborate on this, the very least I can do is talk more about this subject. I won't do it at this time because it's late night for me at the moment, but, above all, because I want to think about this.Please bear with me, girls.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): Well I am not a man, but I'd like to respond. What men do when they're in between relationships is not nearly as offensive as what they do when they are in a committed relationship with a woman they claim to "love". Because most of them will still use porn, and it's not always because we've feinged one too many "headaches" or been too tired for sex on a few occasions. Mind you, these are the same men who would be horribly offended if we started buying Playgirl magazines, or regularly visited sites that showed naked men. (Unfortunately, most of those sites are for homosexual men, which is not a turn on to most women, but I digress.) Here's a good explanation on how porn can be a blow to a woman's self esteem: Most of those women are prettier than we are. They have perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect noses. They're paid for their looks. They have better bodies than we have; these are women who survive on celery and crack; they weigh like 105 lbs soaking wet, not counting their silicone boobs. Their waistlines are 22" and thanks to implants, their boobs are 40-DD. They've also had their scars, pimples and stretch marks air-brushed to perfection, leaving their skin flawlessly beautiful. Who can compete with that? And whether you know it or not, women are competitve creatures.So, it's very hard to feel confident around a man who uses these women as part of his entertainment. Most of us don't look anything like that, other than the fact that we have all the same equipment, it just looks alot different on them. It seems more like men "settle" for the girl next door because she's available, but it's not really what they want. Because if we were truly what they wanted, they wouldn't spend so much time and money on porn.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies. You're right, all men are different, but I got confused with some of the replies to a question I read earlier. Everytime I come onto the site there's always someone having a problem with her boyfriend or husband viewing porn, and most of my friends and myself have had problems over that issue as well. And check out the porn category questions on this site - it's question after question being frustrated and really upset about this porno issue!
I guess it would come down to insecurity and feeling inadequate, fueled by a media society which constantly reminds us women that we have to look unbelievably sexy and desirable all the time. Intellectually I know that men biologically need to spread their seed everywhere and that all my male friends have it but when a boyfriend has porn, it still bothers me and I take it personally. I end up thinking that I'm not desirable enough and that he has to go someplace else to get off. If porn featured more different body types instead of the general thin and huge breasted woman, I might feel differently about it. But the media and porn images are images that women rarely feel like they live up to, and then we feel we're not thin enough, our breasts aren't large enough, we're not pretty enough, young enough, flawless enough, etc. And there is the fear that the more your partner views this stuff, the less attracted he will be to you, especially if his porn viewing is a habit.
And it's not just porn but it extends to daily life as well. It feels like there is so much expectation on us to look thin and beautiful and sexy and there is competition everywhere and women are always looking each other up and down and silently competing with each other. I guess a man or an extremely secure woman might think "he's just looking" or "they're just images" but we live in a culture that makes us think that much of our worth depends upon how we look. If you look around and really see it, we live in a society where soft porn images of women are just everywhere. It's become second nature but it's actually quite perverse. Even little girls in grade school are affected by it, trying to wear thongs and daisy dukes because they want to be sexy, and their biggest fear is becoming fat. And the whole plastic surgery industry boom isn't because "we're doing it for us," we're doing it because we want to keep our guys and are afraid of losing his attention or getting cheated on or left if we gain weight or become old. I guess we just want to feel good about ourselves, but it's practically impossible to these days. If most of us feel bad about our looks, it's hard to see our partners appreciating another person's looks. So we're insecure and need a lot of reassurance from our partners. It's too bad because it is a shallow subject and a relationship is so much more than sex and how we look, but you guys should know that we women have been pretty much brainwashed into feeling so bad about it.
I'm not speaking for all women of course, but it's what I've experienced and what nearly all my female friends and relatives experienced and also all the women on this forum who write in because they're so upset about it. I hope I explained this adequately.
...............................
A
male
reader, GreenTea +, writes (25 June 2007):
I'm just going to say that most men view porno stars as not being people. Their just actresses. I know you have quite a bit more years of experience with life then me. But I don't get nervous about my girlfriend when Leonardo DiCaprio walks around almost naked and she turns into the 7th grade girl who loses her mind. Most guys will simply be interested in porn because its something different, something slightly risky. Most men want a real woman to love. A real woman being someone who has their own thoughts and ideas, will and desires.Feel free to message me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 June 2007):
It's difficult to give a general answer regarding porn. We men are all different, some of us are young and some old, and we all have different tastes. So, it is difficult to answer your question in a general way.I would say, though, that porn is not as important as you think it is. At least not for an adult. We would love to have those women as sex partners. (not all of them, though; some are not pretty). I'm not sure we would like them as significant others, and please do not take this as being judgmental about porn stars. What happens is that we don't choose a partner on looks alone (at least not smart men). The relationship you have with her counts a lot.Yes, maybe if you looked at these girls a lot you would think less of the average Jane. However, that cannot last; a real relationship counts a lot more than looking at a computer screen, or a picture, or a movie.Of all the women I've loved, none would fit the requirements for porn stars. Yet I truly loved them all. I made a pass at someone recently and she rejected me. She did not look like a porn star, and yet I loved her all the same.Porn is not a threat to a woman. I don't think the time will come when I, for example, will fail to appreciate the beauty of every woman. A famous Spanish philosopher said once that expecting a man of Hispanic descent not to measure up a woman the second he meets her is just asking too much. And the man was absolutely right. Now, that doesn't mean that looking at porn would make me want to leave my woman.And then, porn is not real for us. We cannot talk to those women, or see them, or invite them for a coffee, or anything. That you can do with the girl next door; so, I think you should worry more about "the girl next door" than about a porn star.Porn sites offer something of a "menu", and you can look at all them, knowing they are not for real. So, I think that, yes, you may eventually want to see someone who is not like the person you have in real life. But I wouldn't say that's a rule. Much to the contrary, if you like women of a certain type (blondes, say), then I think you would go for redheads in porn and in real life. And, if you disliked one particular type, then you wouldn't watch porn of that kind.Maybe some men would go for someone completely different as a fantasy of being with someone else. That can be true.I would like an explanation on how porn can be a blow to the self-esteem of women in general. I am new to this point of view. Maybe you can elaborate on this and I will be glad to give you a point of view.Maybe the self-esteem issue is that you feel unappreciated, or then that you feel that you don't count if you're not beautiful. I'm not sure that is the case. But I would like you to elaborate regarding the self-esteem thing.
...............................
|
