A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Why are people always telling me ,that things are going to be all right, when it is not really posible in. my case. I feel deaf ears are listening my story. And they think, I m guilty. if I don t want to believe positive ideas. False hope is not going to help anyone, who is n tragic situation. But my question is, why people are notoriously positive ,even if its. totally stupid. LIke you not going to tell to a 95 year old, that she can do anything she wants, because she can,t. Why is this over positive culture? I think, it is not very intelligent, or compassionate, when you are dealing with unfixable situation.Please, help me to understand why so positive, even when its inapropriate? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 January 2012):
 Same reason people in your culture are nice to those they can't stand, ask about their day when they truly don't give a shit about their day. They are just trying to be polite, or fake-nice. It IS stupid, and not all people do it. But if it comes from people you don't know then just ignore them because they are just being fakes. If it comes from someone you know well, and who knows your story well, then maybe they say it because they actually do believe in it, even if you can't believe in it.
And then again, people who haven't had the same experience/story might not be aware that what they are saying is hurtful or inappropriate. They might really not understand it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): P.s
I have 3 lumps in my breast 3 years now....screened every year ... doctors have not decided to remove because they are not surface or malignant....however I have been told by the genetic councillor that i have a moderate to high risk of them turning cancerous one day and because of my family background of breast cancer.
I have a time bomb in my body really...and it does not make me negative...I don't dwell on it...i don't fear it....but i could choose that way of thinking. I choose not to trouble myself or others with negative thinking. If it happens it does...thats life...but in the interim I can not fix it .. so I live with the 'maybe' time bomb and feel pretty positive that i will not get breast cancer.
Of course been positive is intelligence...we can heal our selves and others to some degree ... by how we THINK...
we create from our thoughts and fears...we create both good and bad...by our thoughts, actions or words....intelligence is knowing the difference between...positive and negative and using the poitive to build spirit and other peoples spirits...just as negative people can cripple and crush spirits including their own.
Your interpritation of Innapropriate could mean you don't 'expect' positive words. Your Interpritation of compassion could mean you expect other's to sink in the mire with you...positive people try to PULL themselves and others out of this negative place because it is dark.
Good luck and happy new year! :)
spunky monkey
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 January 2012):
 My son is disabled emotionally. He only will see the good until the bitter end.
My mother was dying of cancer. WE all knew she was dying... you at your age will probably think that it's OK she had a husband, a home, grown happy children and grandchildren... so she had her life.... she was only 58... but to someone 25 or 30 that seems old... it's NOT....
As much as we wanted to be honest about what was happening, if we had PUSHED the reality of the situation onto my son it would not have helped... he HAD to believe that mom-mom was magically going to be ok...
I'm a bit Aspie so while I was very sad I was very practical and pragmatic about it... till about 10 years down the road when I realized that a 35 yr old woman is too young to lose her mother...
But what should we do when things are bad? wallow in our misery? sure...
if you would like very much to tell me your tragic life story I will gladly give you all the chance to wallow in your misery and make it worse... I love being honest with folks.
yep you have end stage cancer, renal failure, heart disease etc... you are going to die..
my ex husband (the father of my boys) had a heart attack out of the blue at 47 with no behaviors to bring it on, (he did not drink smoke or overeat) and no family history.. a total fluke...
as he laid in a drug induced coma on the transplant list his wife and I prepared for the inevitable... figuring out what to do with the children... how to cope with the loss of t his man who WAS NOT DEAD YET...
guess what... NO transplant... a gifted surgeon was found and after a long surgery with triple bypass and pacemaker for this very fluky situation THE MAN LIVES a fine healthy life and works and walks this earth and is still around to love his wife and parent.... HE SHOULD BE DEAD HE HAD NO CHANCE TO LIVE WITHOUT A TRANSPLANT.. HE DOES NOT HAVE ONE AND HE SHOULD BE DEAD... HE'S NOT... because things happen that we often do not understand... and that is why folks are hopefully... Cause you never know...
I tend to expect the worst and pray for the best...
I suggest you continue to be miserable and prepare for the worst and yet have that tiny glimmer that maybe it will work out because then if it does you will be happy.
I live every day like I am dying rs my mother, her sister and both her parents died of cancer in their 50s... there is a family gene and we all live like this... here i am at 51 and I will NOT be able to retire... I did not plan for it tr save for it... and that's because I am a pessimist...
now I will be an old tired pessimist.. if I live...I've screwed myself with my pessimism and will not be able to enjoy a retirement... Nice move on my part eh?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I'm kind of with a male reader, anonymous on this one, although I do think that pessimism is actually a form of positivism (whilst seeming to be the opposite). When you have been working hard all of your life and pulled everywhich way imaginable by a seemingly endless tirade of negative events that you did not produce but are obliged to repond to, you get worn out. The most infuriating thing can be people who have had a far, far easier time of it saying the most glib sounding niceties, when what you want is a deeper understanding. And yes, people DO have a far easier time of things sometimes - doesn't mean they are problem free, but just means that they will be far less likely to empathise with tougher or unusual situations because they simply have not had to go down that road. In situations like that their "positivity" seems extremely superficial and actually quite self-centred - it becomes an added pressure that you have to then deal with in order to carry on. Trouble is, that is society and, if you want to have any social life at all, you just have to keep your expectations low. I do think that the fact that you are asking about this at all suggests that you have a need for intellectual inquiry - you obviously like thinking about things and probably more than your average man - maybe you could attend some part time college course, such as philosophy? The quality of thinking that you will be surrounded by will be far higher and there you will get some really meaningful answers to your question.In terms of those around you in the here and now, I guess just lower your expectations in regard to them, but keep them high in regard to what you want from others in the future...it sounds like you want thinkers, and that's a really good thing, but it doesn't mean you have to dismiss everyone else. Oh, and if you are gonna be negative and say that you cannot realistically go to a college class - I did this whilst working full time and bringing up a kid totally alone - I was going out of my mind with boredom, including with those around me - and I now have a PhD and great friends. Good luck.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (1 January 2012):
Why people try to be positive? Because it's better and more useful than to be negative. Being negative creates limitations. It prevents you from overcoming obstacles and basically dealing with life. By having the attitude you have now, you're basically creating your own misery. Why would people want to listen to your story if negativity is all you have? Why would they even want to be your friend if all you are is one black hole that sucks everything in and leaves nothing behind to be enjoyed?
Shit happens to every single person. Not one friend of mine has a 'normal' carefree life. They all had to deal with tragedy and setbacks. They don't dig a hole for themselves to curl up and die in. They sure as hell don't point at themselves saying 'life sucks, feel bad for me' manner. Why? Because they know those times will pass too and if they work for it they can replace those bad memories with good ones.
Yes a lot of things are beyond our control. But our choices are entirely ours. Happiness therefore, is a choice. You choose to be negative. I choose not to be. Guess who's happier.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 January 2012):
 Sure, be negative all you want. Have a misery feast. Sip from the cup of bitterness till the last dregs. Chances are you have reasons to do that, like anybody else under the sun. And technically ,you are right, we can't control all we want, we don't even control fully what we believe we are controlling.
So, give up hope ,forget about the silver lining. Become a collectionist of half empty glasses. And ? What will you have accomplished by the end of the day ?
Probably, you'll have had bad stuff happening to you, and good stuff too, as it's inherent to the human condition.
By focusing exclusively on sorrows ,losses and disappointments, you'll have suffered MORE than the other people, and in time you'll have totally lost your capability to enjoy the good times - ( since you will have decided that nothing good coming to you is good enough to compensate you for the bad ) and to find a glimmer of solace, comfort , respite in the OK / sort of good / not so terrible times.
If you think THIS is intelligent...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): HiI think I get where your coming from and it can be quite annoying however If you think about it, would you like people to say. You are right! you are well and truly stuffed, you have not a chance, yes! none of it was worth it, live with regret, sit and wait and all will get far worse than it already is.....no i think you have no qualities and stregnth of character to try and move forward or beat this. Been positive is facing challenge head on and picking the gauntlet up...it may not involve intelligence but it involves the wisdom of the human spiritand this can be the difference between life and death ...the WILL TO LIVE! Some things in life are unfixable i agree, but never is the spirit unfixable and a broken spirit is the worst tragedy.Staying Positive is the essence of life and love...been able to try and live it the best we can. If we are miserable and unhappy we also make others feel down so thinking of others can help a little. Yes tragedy strikes many and some people can not fix such things as death/bereavment or a terminal illness and know that there is nothing they can do to change it. I am going to bug you... by wishing you a happy new year :)spunky monkey
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): Every persons problem is different,you cant generalise. If for example a friend is termanally ill What would you say..Oh tough you'll never see your children grow up, but I will? Or do you try and look at happy times from their past and hug them when they need it.Empathy
Its very hard to know what to say to people faced with any tragedy,sometimes no words cover it..but surely its better to think of something positive than to spread more gloom, or say what your really thinking.
If you dont agree with this thats your personal choice,but am glad that people have just been there for me and kept my spirits and hope up when Ive been rock bottom.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): Understand completely, took years to figure out.What they're trying to say: Life always isn't all bad, even during bad stretches most of us can find something genuinely positive in our lives giving us hope to overcome present circumstances and envision a better future. Just takes an awful lot of digging. What they always do: Try to find a positive in YOUR negative. ("So your eighty-five-year-old grandmother was gang raped. Look on the bright side!")Looking back at some past deep valleys, I now appreciate the positives of knowing who my friends really are (the handful who stood by me), knowing who my friends really aren't (it takes foul weather to bring out fair weather friends), the perspective of having overcome past bad times makes me appreciate the good times even more, and that when the next inevitable down period occurs I know I will get through it because I learned how when I previously overcame even tougher times.Hope this helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): You sound like someone who's been let down a lot. A friend of mine was like this when she was married to a man who cheated randomly and kept registering himself on match.com type websites. She got herself away from it. Once good things started happening her outlook changed. I think you are dwelling far too much on the negatives. You have got to have bad times to appreciate the good. A bit different to your question but the same principle. If your glass is half empty then okay. I still prefare mine half full.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): ''but life is ONLY as hard as YOU make it.''So are we all in control? Life never gives you things, what are out of your control?Am I alone to think , we have very little control in this life ? Why everybody lives in denial ? Many things are out of our control. Just right now , in this moment.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): Insanely positive , can be ignorant. The exceptions, are not an example, for all, and some people really need to understand that not every poor bad girl becomes Oprah, and so on. I think it is an insult to those , who suffers deeply to tell them, look if Oprah can do it, than you can do it too, so stop whining.. Sometimes people just needs compassion, and not stupid , unreachable examples. I dont say negative is good, but realistic is the right way to go.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 January 2012):
 here is a non positive thought for you ... misery attracts misery.
I know a woman who sky jumped for her 90th birthday, sure, it was a tandem jump but this is by the by.
And its hard to be positive when holding the hand of a palitive care patient, but not impossible ... and what would you rather have, somebody whining doom and gloom into your ear or a few positive words to send you on your way?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): I care for my 75 year old mother full-time without any help from my 4 brothers at all. My mother has health issues and they continuously go on at her (when they around) that she can;t do this and shouldn't do that. There are things she can't do, and a heck of a lot that she can do. The thing is if you take away everything and tell them they simply can't do or even try things, they give up and you soon lose them. Staying positive helps them, you see it as false hope, but hope is what makes people going through life. If giving my Mum false hope keeps her alive for even 1 day longer, then of course I will give her all the false hope I can. She will eventually leave this world, she knows it and I know it, but why give up hope and speed up that process. It's not inapropriate to give someone hope, even when some people deem it false hope, because it gives people a reason to try.
It's like looking for a cure for any disease, the thing that keeps scientists looking for a cure, is the hope that they will eventually find one. I hope this helps.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012): You sound like someone who's had his fill of disappointment in life and I understand but life is ONLY as hard as YOU make it.
When you're positive about something you activate a thought and that repeated thought leads you to want you want but when you have bad thoughts you get that and ONLY that because that's all you see in life instead of the good. If you think "red" you're going to see red everywhere you go but if you think "blue" you'll see blue. If you say you can or can't do something you're right either way because those are the laws you put in place for yourself.
When you are happy hormones are realesae to make you feel happier and when you're sad hormones are mad to make you feel sadder or so I've heard.
Have you ever heard of the "law of attraction"? Google. It and read up on it a bit. Plus you can got to www.thesecret.tv and watch the free 20min video that explains why its better to be positive than negative.
Positivity gives you hope and strenght and give you the ability you set you mind to. Negative just makes life harder and burdensome. Try and turn over a new leaf, start by thinking of 3 things you are greatful for ever time you touch you hair and after a couple weeks you'll understand. Hope this really helps. I'd know because I use to be negative too.
Take care and best of luck.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (1 January 2012):
 I think positivity is a way for people to cope with life. Life is hard and wading through it with a negative attitude just makes it harder. When you force yourself to look on the positive side of things problems seem surmountable. Yes there are a lot of things a 95 year old can't do but equally there are a lot of things they can take on and should if they want to. Life is too short to restrict yourself.
Positive people live longer and happier lives give it a try.
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female
reader, XOLoveOX  +, writes (1 January 2012):
The past of a person can change their outlook on life for example
A person who has had a simple, calm and enjoyable past will be positive on future outcomes.
A person who has had a hard, bad and sad past will most likely be negative to future outcomes.
Their are 2 different ways a person with a bad past deal with the future:
1. They Let it effect them a lot making them see life as cruel this may be correct but these people fail to see and/or believe anything positive.
2. They hide their past behind their faces, enjoying life the bets they can because they know life is hard so they enjoy and strongly believe lots of things are possible these people's personality is mostly energetic, abnoxious, annoying, cheerful etc.
Hope This Helps xoxox
BTW: I don't mean to offend anyone with his advice as I am aware of a some stereotyping being used and I apologise.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2012):
You sound like a pessimist. I am, too. I always plan for the worst case scenario and then my hopes are never dashed. Like you, I cannot stand blind optimism. Most people hate people like us. I don't know if they realize how much I loathe them, too.
To answer your question:
I think first of all a lot of people don't think very deeply or objectively. They don't really stop to think things through. An example of this is the lottery. How many people play the lottery even though most of the time the odds are against them? It's one thing ti gamble for fun (knowing you will probably lose) but it's another to be willfully ignorant of the odds.
Lastly, lots of people believe in positive thinking. They think creating positive energy will make everyone feel better in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. This motivates some people. Realists like us see if as wasted energy, but that's because we don't understand them just as they don't understand us.
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