A
male
age
36-40,
*ndy00
writes:Hi, it's just me. I'm still feeling fairly possitive today, despite the fact that I dreamt that me and my ex were getting back together last night. I woke up thinking: Right, a step forward.. What can I do to sort this o.... Oh, it was just a dream.Anyway. For those of you who don't already know: My ex broke up with me a month ago after 2 years of being together and coping with a long distance relationship of 240 miles. We met up 13 different occaisions for about a week - 2 weeks at a time, meeting up every 7 weeks or so. She left me because she was struggling with the relationship circumstances and is moving to University in September. While she is moving a little closer to me, she feels that there will be less opportunities for us to meet up, and didn't see the point in continuing.So, having spoke to my ex recently, a few things came up that was a little confusing to me.The last time I was up there, like any other time we met up, I left behind one of my T-shirts as a reminder for her of me while I was gone. This came up in conversation and she said she didn't know what to do with it. She happened to mention how it was just "cluttering up her room". Needless to say this hurt a little. I reminded her exactly why I used to leave her my shirts, and she said "Well since you aren't coming back, surely you should just take it back"At that point in the conversation, I was thinking "oh great, looks like I'm gonna be opening that up in the post soon." but by the end of it, I had told her that "If you ever want to be reminded of me, then hang on to it. If you decide you don't want to be reminded of me by it, you can send it back. It's up to you" So in the end, she sounded like she didn't know what to do with it (It certainly didn't sound like she definately wanted to give it back, to me), and there has been no mention that she's going to send it back at this time.Anybody know what she's thinking? I wish I knew.Also, a slightly shorter one:When I asked her if she thought about me much (I will say at this point that I think about her constantly, but I just told her that I think about her quite a lot), and she said "..sometimes". Sometimes!? After everything we had before and everything I did for her, she hardly thinks about me?I wanted to be someone that had a lasting effect on her life, and if not on her life, then on her memory, but it looks like I'm not going to have an effect on either of them. I understand things aren't all that different, because it was a long distance relationship, but all the same, I still think about HER as much, and maybe even more than I used to, and yet she says she only thinks about me "Sometimes"I think I need a Womans point of view, but frankly anybody will do: Can somebody please tell me what she might be thinking? I know she will only know for sure, but I'm not sure she's being completely honest and upfront.
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broke up, her ex, long distance, my ex, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (5 August 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Basschick, that sounded like a very though out answer! Thank you very much. I feel a little more up lifted after that, and now have a serious urge to play some Puddle Of Mudd! lol
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (5 August 2007):
 To answer one of your phrases in an earlier post: "Tell me, everyone; How do you cope with and accept something you don't deserve? How do you stop thinking about the only person you ever think about?"
You start little by little, day by day. You find things to do with your time, and people to spend it with and you don't allow yourself to wallow. That means, making new friends and trying new things. Turn this very negative thing, into a positive. You may find a new exciting hobby or pasttime, you may meet a new woman that completely turns your head around. But you cannot give yourself permission to tell them about this story and get advise on how to win her back because then you will be defeating the whole purpose of starting fresh. Tell them other things about yourself. Tell them about your job, tell them about your family, and your childhood but don't allow yourself to talk about her for a very long time. Then eventually when you've met a wonderful woman and things become more serious, you can say something wistful like, "Well, I did fall in love once and she broke my heart, but I don't really want to go into that right now." And leave it at that unless she asks for more. By not talking about it, not dwelling on it, you will become stronger and be able to move on. It just takes time.
So your assignment at this point is, not to watch any sad movies - only funny ones, and no listening to music that reminds you of her. (Might I recommend instead a song by "Puddle of Mudd" called "She Hates Me" (She Fu**ing Hates Me) as loud as you can -- Trust me, it'll be somehow liberating.
You are a great guy and someday you'll meet a woman who will appreciate you!
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (4 August 2007):
 Do you know what, no matter what we say we are all speculating when we answer, who knows what's going through this womens head.
I think if you carry on trying to work it out your going to send yourself round the bend, these things happen sometimes and sometimes there are no explanations for it.
I'm sure she has not just stopped thinking about you but she has clearly decided a relationship with you is not want she wants anymore so she is trying to move on and i really think you need to start to do the same, how much more of your time and energy do you really want to waste trying to work out what's going on in her head?
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (4 August 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDanielpew, Danielpew, Danielpew. Will it ease you at all knowing that I actually love seeing your name appear on the notice from dearcupid.org? I actually gave a sigh of relief when I saw your name pop up. You're advice is solid. You may think you sound harsh.. While I used to, I don't anymore. You tell it the way you see it, and that's admirable.As for your praise towards my description; "Bloody Spectacular" admittedly, credit goes to the comedy series "Spaced" the gang tried to get their land lady to forgive them and come back to where they live, and she told them that to that that they'd need to do "Something bloody spectacular". It just seemed fitting!But anyway, I'm just joshing now. I know that what I have to do for now, and I will do my very best.Anyway, everybody else, please continue to tell me what you think she was thinking, because I'm still at a loss with that.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 August 2007):
 Andy, I'm afraid you'll start hating me, as I always appear on your posts. It's fate, karma, or just plain bad luck, I guess. I have something to say.
I know exactly how you feel, because I've been there. I know what it feels to be given up on while you're still trying everything just to make it work. I also had that wish that there should be something "bloody spectacular" I could do to make things magically work out. You know, I worked very hard to define what I wanted, and I never found a definition as good as yours: "bloody spectacular". It didn't happen.
The bloody spectacular thing that needs to happen is that she wishes to go on. You know this. You are trying to show her it would be so worth to try, are you not? No matter how hard you try, most likely you won't achieve anything. The odds are heavily against you.
I want to warn you that, in trying to show her how worth you are trying, you might become clingy and pushy. And she will not find this nice at all. She broke up with you, and you're making it hard for her to let go. Eventually she will decide you're more a nuisance than a good person, will become upset, and will send you to hell. Literally.
I gave up only after I had exhausted every possibility. I see that's where you are going. It will at least give you the satisfaction of knowing you did everything, absolutely everything you could. Just be careful not to be pushy and clingy.
I wish I could do more for you than posting these answers. Unfortunately, I can't.
All the best for you, man.
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (4 August 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is just a response to Dott's message. You say how many other times have I been hurt like this? None. I have never been hurt in this way before. On top of everything else, she was my first love.As for Rose. As wonderful as that sounds, I'm afraid thats only going to make things worse for me. She has obviously already thought all this through. It isn't something she just woke up one morning and decided. Days before we broke up, she was telling me that she was waking up through the night and throwing up.Trust me, I'm running it through in my head: What can I do that is so bloody spectacular that she'll give me (not this situation) another chance? But there's nothing I believe. Because there is no chance of me being able to move anywhere close to where she is for atleast another 9 months or so, and even then, moving up there probably isn't the best move for me. After all, I may yet be going to University next year, and I don't know where I'll end up.Now, this is for everyone:I just feel abandoned. Like I say, it was my intention to keep this going as long as I could. I don't want to sound big headed, but I really believe I was a great boyfriend. I did EVERYTHING for her. I thought about her everyday and everynight, and I don't deserve to be given up on. What's worse is, I can't stop thinking about her, she's all I ever used to think about, and now everything feels like it's turned bad. All my feelings are trapped, and can't go anywhere without hearing "It's over".Tell me, everyone; How do you cope with and accept something you don't deserve? How do you stop thinking about the only person you ever think about?I'm starting to think I need professional help, but I promised myself I would never let things get as bad as that. Maybe I was wrong?
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (4 August 2007):
 I think this young lady is still carrying a torch for you my love. But lets look at the bigger picture here, you seem like a caring and dedicated young man to me, my guess is that she is still pining for you, that explains why she has kept your T-shirt. Have you thought about getting a job near where she lives ? Long distant relationships can work if you want them to, but on the other hand can put a strain on any relationship.
Here is what you do, send her an email of how you feel about her that is if you still want her back of course. If she feels the same, send her a bouquet of her favourite flowers, with a romantic note attached and see what happens. Hopefully it could be a start of a very beautiful thing. Please get back to me and tell me if you have won her heart or not Love Rose x
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A
male
reader, Andy00 +, writes (4 August 2007):
Andy00 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank all of you for your remarks. You have all made it clear to me that I am a good guy. Whenever you have been kicked asside, sometimes it makes you wonder.I have to believe she MUST still be thinking about me in some way. How could she not, after 2 years of being together? Even if it was JUST long distance.I would have done anything for her to make things work, and I just don't know why I wasn't good enough to keep fighting for.I understand that maintaining the relationship was difficult, but she has let all this go through assumptions. The assumption that we will have even less time to meet up when she goes to University. This isn't written in stone yet. She doesn't know her yearly timetable.Anyway, without going to much further into this, I would just like to thank you all again. You guys really have been a shining light through these dark times for me.
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A
female
reader, dott  +, writes (4 August 2007):
Hey,I've been in a long distance relationship before and it's hard. It's hard on you and it's hard on her. I don't know if this is for most girls or anything but long distance feels like having a part time boyfriend, their never quite there when you need them. You kind of feel like your getting ripped off in the relationship and feel frustrated most of the time because you can't see them whenever you want to.Anyways I don't want to hurt you or anything but I will be completely honest. Because she's going to uni she probably sees this as a way to start a new life. She's going to have new friends, new surroundings, and new opportunities she hasn't had before. A part of her may also think that she is too young to be settled down with one person and to be putting forth such an effort. I started university 4 years ago and I don't know of anyone that is still together that is doing long distance. School is stressful and she may feel she needs someone that is a lot closer for support.I agree with the other post, it seems that you were more emotionally invoved in the relationship that she was. Think of it this way, at least she respects you enough to be honest with you. I think she wants to move on and not think about you that's why she said sometimes. If she though about you all the time like you about her then she probably wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place.Also, about the shirt. She may be conflicted with what’s going on in her life and may be confused. If she didn’t care at all she would have thrown it out or buried it in her closet and never look at it. Again. You’ve been together for a long time so she does care about you but sometimes those feelings, especially ones that aren’t especially strong, get overshadowed with what’s going on in life. Realize that there is a lot of change happening in her life and maybe she wants her space to figure out what she wants. When you’re in a relationship for that long at such a young age you start to crave independence and freedom and uni is her chance to get it.Either way I can tell you for sure that whatever she’s feeling it’s not simple. Sometimes things just don’t work out. Also keep in mind that you guys are young and your hormones add a lot to her confusion and the pain you are feeling. You need to slowly get her out of your life and move on. When you’re feeling down and sad about the whole thing think of this: How many other times have you been hurt in you life? But you made it through. This is just another one of those situations. It’ll make you stronger in the end, trust me I speak from experience. Those past things don’t affect you anymore and the same thing will happen with this. With time she’s just going to be a memory. Don’t see this relationship as a loss see it as a learning experience. You learned and are learning a lot about women and yourself. I know it’s painful now and I won’t lie it may be for a while but in time you will feel better. In the meantime don’t sit in your room and wallow do things to keep your mind and body occupied.Best of luck.PS. Don’t try to figure women out you’ll spend your whole life doing it and get nowhere. It’s not possible. Women as with men are complex, their decisions and actions are never easy to understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2007): from my point of view (and its a good point of view) you want more from her than she is able to give. she has to be able to worry about stuff other than you (all girls do). it seemed like she didnt want to forget you, she just doesnt want to cause herself problems. and btw i think with the t-shirt thing she was just wondering what u wanted her to do because girls dont normally have a wardrobe for their bfs t-shirts. dont worry about her though. just ask her if she wants to be with you or not and see what she says. if she says no, well at least now you know whats on her mind. and im sure she'll still want to be friends. just stop worrying and if you want to know whats on a girls mind just ask. :D hope this helped :D
XxXxX
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (3 August 2007):
Okay dear, sweet Andy, here's a woman's point of view. I think you and your girlfriend were always on different levels in this relationship. You were in deep. She was in...not so deep. She may have told you she loved you, and probably in her own way she did love you but it wasn't to the same degree that you loved her. Thus the reason she fails to see the significance of your leftover T-shirt, or the fact that she only thinks about you "sometimes" and has sort of moved on without crumbling to pieces. All I can say is, at least she was honest with you. You know if you keep talking to her, you're only going to keep being hurt by her responses. Will you be the one who has a permanent impact on her life? Only time will tell. Maybe...someday after she's had a few dozen relationships and gotten dumped, gotten her heart broken to pieces (like you have) and been for once, in your shoes, maybe she'll look back and say, "Hey, that Andy really was a sweet guy...I shouldn't have let him go..." But right now, I don't think that's where her heart is at. Be strong. Try to start distancing yourself from her, little by little and don't be surprised if she doesn't even notice. I'm sorry! You seem like a great guy.
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A
female
reader, maria3 +, writes (3 August 2007):
sorry to say this but if its over between you, you take your stuff and leave. you dont leave it behind, what you have been doing whilst you were in the relationship by leaving your stuff there is saying to any male friends that saw her when you weren't there is 'she's taken' Its a territorial thing. Every boyfriend I've had has done that, and I have never livedd with any of them. When you split up she is saying you should take it back, firstly cos your not together and secondly it might hurt her to keep seeing it lying about her place. But she did break it off with you. You want to leave it there because you cant let go and you want others to stay clear from her.
She says sometimes to thinking about you because she may be worrying how your coping with the split, she might feel guilty for ending it as its not nice finishing a relationship if you know the other ones will be devestated. She ended it so therefore came to terms with it not working quicker that you as its prob been on her mind longer than its been on yours. She's gotten past the grivevment that it wasnt working and you have still yet to come to terms with it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 August 2007):
Not that I disrespect flower_girl. She is a very good agony aunt and I like her opinions very much. More than once has she enlightened me. But, read her post: isn't she saying the same thing as I, but in gentler language? As a woman, she doesn't like to hurt you.
But, I bet my ass you found my words a hell of a lot harsher, but more intelligible.
Take care, man. You deserve the very best.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (3 August 2007):
I think personally she is trying to not give you too much hope for the future, it would be very unfair of her to tell you that she thinks about you loads because you will then be thinking straight away hey we will be getting back together, you are both very young and two years is along time to be in a relationship at your age, i think she just wants some space to work out what she wants from life what with going off to uni and everything.
Take care.xx.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (3 August 2007):
First of all, Andy00, it's not "just" you again. It's you, man, Andy00. You're an important person.
I'm not a woman, but I think I can tell you what is on her mind.
When she asked about the t-shirt, she was hinting that she doesn't want any memories of you around. Yep, she gives those t-shirts the same meaning you do: they mean you're still around. And she doesn't want to think of you.
You gave her the option of deciding what to do with the shirt. She didn't say what she would do, in order not to hurt you; and we may never know what she will do, but, the important thing is, the shirt, that used to be a nice reminder, is now a painful item that she'd rather not have. This tells you a lot about what she is thinking.
When she said that she thinks about you "sometimes", again, she meant not to hurt you. But she isn't thinking about you anymore.
When a woman wants to dump you, they use gentle language. They don't feel comfortable giving you the bare facts. Believe me, a woman I respect very much told me this, and I need to share it with you.
I would recommend you to try to pick up the pieces and start anew. You're young, you're a hell of a good man, and you'll find someone who will give you all you wanted to share with her.
Don't think that I don't understand you very well. I'm giving you the best advice I can, hard as it might seem to you.
Take care and be bold, all the time.
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