A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm just going to jump into this because I hate long intros. My boyfriend of 2 years constantly forgets to pick up after himself. He leaves clothes all over the floor, trash everywhere, always forgets to do the few chores I've put him in charge of, and is generally scatter brained. While he seems to have his shit together when he's at work, I'm always the one who draws the short straw at home. I take care of the pets, clean the house, run errands, make appointments, do the laundry, do the dishes, take care of the yard and do any other things that need to be done, all while going to school. He just has a day job and that's it. He fills the rest of his time playing with toys, drinking, and hanging with friends. I do that stuff too but not nearly as much because I don't have time. What I'm trying to say is that he's lazy and while I love him for his good qualities I'm tired of dealing with his bad ones. I've given him ultimatums, reminders, and just regularly repeated myself. He's turning me into a nag by his sloppiness and it's ruining my emotional well being. Should I get counseling? Or is he just completely hopeless?
View related questions:
at work Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 What about not living with him until he can show he has improved himself? Then you won't have to deal with anyones mess but your own. Or have separate rooms and throw all his trash into his room.
Can you see your future doing his chores all the rest of your life? Because that is what will happen. He won't change or improve at all as long as you continue to actually DO EVERYTHING for him. Teach him right, let the place fall to pieces and move out if it starts to make you sad to see everything dirty. Really. Because that is what your life with him will be like if you continue as is...
Show him so tough love.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): This ones easy just do what my girlfriend did and leave his clothes on the ground. Seriously when he needs clean socks and underwear for work some day there'll be none.
My girlfriend got tired of nagging so she just left my clothes where they were, now you might think that's counterproductive or that you'll go crazy, but he'll always have a never ending supply of clothes to throw down if he has you picking them up all the time.
Stop doing everything for him, if you cook dinner, make your own meal, or eat at work or somewhere else instead. If he has an appointment let him sort it all out.
He's your partner not your child so stop acting like his mother.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 December 2010):
 I'd tell him that I'd hired a cleaning lady to help tidy up, that she comes in a couple of times a week while he's at work and his share of the upkeep weekly is $75, payable in cash every two weeks.
Send all his laundry to the drycleaners, and forget to pick it up. When he has nothing to wear, he might notice. And having to pay for clean undies and sock and jeans and shirts will be a big eye opener for him. Another option is to put your reddest and most unstable dyed sweater in with his whites. They will all come out pink. They'll still be wearable. They'll just be pink.
OR give him a closet or if you have a big enough place, a room dedicated to his stuff. If he leaves any clothes or towels lying around, pitch them into this closet.
Don't do the errands that he can do, stop making appointments for him. Let him experience life without you as his personal assistant. Don't worry about the fallout, it's HIS problem.
Now, before you set out on this course of action, you let him know that you are no longer able to carry the entire load of upkeep of the household single handed and will be taking care of your personal needs only for the time being.
Of course, the best thing to do would be to talk to him about it and figure out why he can't help and why you feel compelled to do his stuff for him. Tell him that you're tired of being the unpaid housekeeper. Or we go back to my initial idea. Get paid, let him reimburse you for your time and effort. If he ever figures out that he's paying YOU, well, that should be something he can deal with.
Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Wow thanks everyone for your input! You're all so helpful!! I'll let you know how things turn out.
Thanks again!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Highly likely his mother 'picked up'after him all his life, and she picked up after her husband too, she did all the domestic stuff, whilst the guys sat around watching her.
This is a case what you learn in childhood is generally repeated, that is why females often say, this is what guys are like..well YES, only if there Mother has brought them up that way! It must be dreadful for you, so sorry, I can imagine how draining it is physically, but more so emotionally.
I suspect he won't change, not sure how old he is, but he sounds about 12, sorry, but "He fills the rest of his time playing with toys, drinking, and hanging with friends" sounds exactly like a 12 year old boy at home with Mum and Dad.
I think if you stay with him, it will lead to constant 'asking him' to pick up etc..OR you accept it, and do all the work whilst he continues to enjoy his teenage years playing toys and hanging out with friends.
Please think about yourself and your own needs, this will emotionally take it's toll eventually and wear you down. Not for me to say or advise you what you should do, that is something you must reach all by yourself, by looking at the situation from a distance and really asking yourself, IS this what you want?
Jilly x
...............................
A
female
reader, bernergirl +, writes (6 December 2010):
 I am with pretty much everyone else. This problem has been going on a while and you probably feel more like his mother rather than a partner. Having said that, I would just make sure he isn't in some sort of depression or overwhelmed, I went through 6 months of just not caring and it did take a toll. So maybe look at that as a cause but I would work out a plan and tell him I need to see progress by this date or I'm out of here. And then do your best to stick to it. Good Luck and let me know what happened.
...............................
A
female
reader, nicoleray143 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 My fiance wont let know one wash his clothes so he does his own and i do mine, if he cooks i wash dishes or the other way around, you both need to compermize gee i hope i spelled that right lol with cleaning up the house, but honestly if he is a messy/dirty person their really isnt much you can do except suck it up and clean up after him..that is if you love him that much to do all that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This fella has clearly developed a routine of bad habits and habits can be hard to break. Youve been very patient it sounds and I do commend u for that. Haha sometimes im bad at the clothes thing too. try to put into more perspective for him and how he can for himself benefit from taking on more responisibility. Break it down in reasoning, logical reasoning, so that he sees why itd be good for him and better to contribute more. For example, he'd get some exercise by doing yard work...and itd give u guys a chance to maybe a bond a little. If he sees these things in a negative light and continues to be very lazy, chances are he is immature and on a different level than you and thats when you should def re evaluate the relationship. Best you on this miss.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Okay, first, I can guess that he's been this way his whole life. His parents were either the same way, or he is used to other people making his bed and cleaning up after him.
You're already realizing that nagging doesn't work, as he's tuning you out when you do it. Also, he's seeing through your ultimatums as you're not backing them up with action.
There's only three ways this is going to go.
One is you getting used to his comfort with squalor and living in it. I can't see you doing that. Most neat freaks can't stand it for very long.
Two is that you move out. Either break up with him and move out, or stay together and explain to him that if you're to continue, you can never live together again. Again, I can't see you doing that one either, as that will eventually bring the relationship to a standstill. (There are exceptions to my last statement. My grandparents stayed happily married their whole lives primarily because they didn't live together).
Third requires some diplomacy and finesse. You have more influence than you can possibly imagine, but not if you nag him, threaten him, remind him, or give him ultimatums. You have to give him incentive for wanting to change. The carrot works better than the stick if you're willing to put aside notions that he should want to motivate himself.
First, schedule a specific cleaning time. Don't just walk up as he's about to leave or is in the middle of playing and say "okay, let's clean now!" Explain to him that WE (make it a team project) have to knock out the cleaning for a couple of hours and ask him whether Saturday or Sunday works the best. Don't ask him any question that requires a "yes" or "no", such as "Can you please help me clean this house on Saturday?". Do not ask yes or no.
Give him a couple of dates and times. Make sure you contract the time with a start and finish time. If you think the task takes 2 hours, tell him "We can do this from 10-11am, or from 2-3pm on Saturday or Sunday. Which one should we pick? This way, he can schedule it and mentally prepare for it. Use terms like WE, not YOU. If he hems and haws about it, tell him "We gotta choose a time, and then we can get it out of the way".
If you get to the date of the cleaning, then divide up the tasks and give him the choice of which to take. Laundry, vaccuming, mopping, bathrooms, dishes, grocery shopping. Pick a chore. This way, you're not knocking him with the whole house. You're breaking it up into manageable bites that he can help.
THEN, after you talk about cleaning and you nail a time and day, then...and this is important...AT THE SAME TIME schedule something FUN that very evening together. That way he starts to associate cleaning day with a fun day. You must be consistent about this until his habit is cemented.
Then, on the day of cleaning when the tasks are divided, make it fun! Play loud music. Sing and clean. Be in a great mood! Give him seductive looks. Compliment him on how he looks. If he's holding a broom or a vacuum, make him feel like he's mouth watering to you. The point is POSITIVE reinforcement. If he's doing a good job on cleaning, as you walk by, compliment him on his work. Make him feel appreciated. If he's putting away stuff or cleaning up his clutter, ask him what he thinks is the most efficient way to store things. If he's doing laundry and is doing a decent job folding, make a comment about how good the clothes smell.
Also, do NOT go perfectionist on him the first time you two clean together. Now is not the time to re-fold laundry, re-vacuum, or nitpick the fact that his standards aren't high enough. The point is just to get him going and make him feel like while he's cleaning, he's king of the world.
Then when the cleaning is done, go out that night and have a blast.
This whole incentive thing will take time, but if you're patient, it'll be more than worth it.
Otherwise, if he turns into a jerk when you want to set up the cleaning and says something like "you do it" or whatever, or skips out on your scheduled cleaning time, then you have a bigger issue than his sloppiness.
...............................
A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (6 December 2010):
 No, your boyfriend won't change because he has no motivation to. Even if you gave up on the chores and let everything go to hell to make a point he probably still wouldn't get it. Most young men are absolutely fine with living in a mess. I know you're NOT fine with living in a mess, so we won't even go there. If you want your boyfriend to help out more you need to make him understand without doubt that this is deal-breaker territory for you. I would not recommend promising him rewards for helping out because the novelty of this will soon wear off for him, and I definitely would not recommend the normal subtler female tactics of slowly withdrawing emotionally and sexually until he gets the hint, because he never will. We know talking to him has not worked. Writing up a schedule saying who does what for the week will probably get him a nice laugh with his buddies. The only thing for you to do is to seriously threaten him with ending this relationship if he won't negotiate, if it means that much to you (I know it would to me). Good luck with your situation!
...............................
A
female
reader, mikkimouse +, writes (6 December 2010):
Well this is a hard one. It could be that he will never change. I think the two of you should go for counseling if he agrees and he won't change on his own with your input.
The question you need to ask yourself is, do you want to spend your life cleaning up after him and allowing his behavior to turn you into a nag. You are going to lose yourself and your happiness and it's not worth it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): In households, there should really be a more or less even distrubution of house- related work ("eveness" is very individual from relationship to relationship and will have to do with your personalities, lifestyles/other responsibilites, and dynamic as a couple...).
Unless he is financially responsible for the majority of your guys' rent/bills, his behaviour is unfair and you need no counseling. I am unsure what to suggest, so very sorry to be of little help (other than reassurance of your feelings); making a list that he could check off is the only thing I can think, but this may make him feel like almost like a child or pet, and that's the very last way in which we want to regard our fellows/have them think we do!!
Let's await more constructive responses, then...
-Tante Victoire
...............................
|
