A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 20 years old and I might be pregnant. I've only ever been with one guy (my bf of a year and a half) and I've always told him that if I got pregnant by accident, the only option for me would be to keep it. I've scheduled a doctor's appt to find out for sure, but my bf has already suggested either abortion or adoption...he does NOT want a child in his life right now. Even though this is not the most opportune time for us to have a baby (we would need support, mostly financial, from our families as we are both still in university), I can't imagine getting rid of or giving up my child. So, I have two questions:First, can the father FORCE me to have an abortion or give the child up for adoption? He's already told me that he would leave us both if I had it because he refuses to even try to raise a child that he knows he can't really afford. (I realize that it would be HIS baby too, but since the woman carries it, does she have more rights?)Second, should I agree to give the child up for adoption (and risk feeling depressed and having a lifetime of guilt) just so that my bf sticks around, or should I go with what my heart tells me and struggle to raise the baby alone?Please try to understand that this is a very sensitive issue for me and I'm looking for advice, not a lecture on my mistakes. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): If you really want to keep your child then no he can not force you to do anything you dont want to do... If he doesnt want to be a part of the childs life you can put him on child support for financial support... you may lose your boyfriend but if he really cared about you he would care about your feelings on the subject... your child will love and care for you always if you choose to keep it... It is terrifying to have an abortion i know because i was forced to have one when i was younger not to mention emotionally devistating... i had to choose between having a child or a place to live and i come to the conclusion that without a place to live my child would not be safe so i did the only thing i could think of... and with addoption you have to know that during your pregnancy you form an emotional bond with your baby and that to me would make it even harder to give up. Either way the decision is yours because no matter what it is much easier for a father to skip out on a childs life than it is for a mother... i hope this is helpful... do whats in your heart and dont let anyone convince you otherwise
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): There is nothing wrong or shameful or hard-hearted about giving your baby up for adoption, to be raised by a wonderful couple who are financially able to do it. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about that should you choose to do so. There are types of adoption where you can keep in touch with your child and foster a relationship with him or her. However, it's also okay to sign on as a single mom. It will be tough, but lots of others have done it-- you'll be in good company. :) Lots of personal sacrifices on your part though. How about getting some professional counselling on it? After all, it will be a life-altering decision for you either way. Best of luck to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): PS - I don't want to lay anything BAD on you. Ever. I will give you the experience of one of my college roommates. He was sleeping regularly with his girlfriend, they had been a couple since High School. Both sets of their parents were in "sensitive" careers that a child away at college having a baby, out of wedlock would have been a big problem. So they went in and were told it's just a blob of tissue by the planned parenthood clinic at about 20 weeks and had the abortion. They eventually married, and the wife has been haunted by it for 30 years. Their oldest son eventually came home after college, worked, had a family blow up argument and threw it in their faces that he was the sibling that had to keep their big dark secret. He took off in his rattle trap car, disowned them, and went across 5 states eventually taking a night auditor job in a big ski resort. He almost went over the edge with booze during that period. He called me but wouldn't talk to his parents. Pretty angry they would make him keep family secrets. Not logical but that's the way it was.So she had her heart ripped out again. It's bad. If you are convicted about the baby, keep it.That college roomate, is my brother in law, his wife, my sister in law ... he married my girlfriend's (now my wife) sister. They eventually got things ironed out with their kids but she regrets the abortion to this day. I never asked him about it. She is better than him, he's lucky she married him, and kept him. I don't respect him much even tho by all measures he has been highly successful and good to his other children.Keep the baby or if it is not possible give it up for adoption. Be sure to name the Boyfriend on the Birth Certificate as the father, it will matter later on.I know several who were in your situation as hard as it is, that did. They and their kids eventually did fine.
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A
male
reader, ScottsCove  +, writes (6 October 2010):
 No, get a lawyer and a restraining order, and some help from your family.
Then get a new boyfriend. Any man that would throw away his own child is on his way to jail for hurting you or someone else.
He's trouble, lose him.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 You might be pregnant? What does this mean? If you have taken a home pregnancy test and it is positive then yes you are pregnant. But if you are a few days late for your period and you are feeling a bit bloated then Its really not worth getting ahead of yourself!
Your boyfriend cant make you do anything.
You need to really reassess your relationship with him. He sounds like a despicable person if you has said these things to you. Do you really want to be with a person like that?
Break up with your boyfriend. Take a test. And take it from there.
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male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Yes your boyfriend can force you "IF" he was carrying the child for 9 mouths, have all the back pains, swollen feet, weight gain, sore breast,labour pains, and the joy of pushing a watermelon through something as big as his mouth.
When he can do all that and still love what has caused him so much pain and discomfort...sure.
Your body, Your baby...It probably took him 2 minutes to get you pregnant. I think you will need a bit longer to decide the future of your child.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 Sorry for writing twice, something was wrong with my computer and I thought the first one wasn't sent...
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (5 October 2010):
If I may, your boyfriend is a coward and a dishonorable excuse for a vile man. To have threatened you with a break up in your time of need. Whatever your choice, break up with him.
As for the child. Please do not even consider putting the child up for adoption. Nothing can compare with the bond between a mother and her child. Nothing is sweeter than staring into those sweet eyes of a new born child and holding such a precious tiny baby in your arms. It is painful for a mother to let that go so please do not consider it.
I must be blunt and honest with you. If you do decide to have this child, it will not be easy at all. Especially without a boyfriend to at least help look after your child and during your financial crisis whilst in University. It will be difficult but not impossible. If you have trusted friends or relatives that live close by, you could turn to them to watch over your child during lessons. You could turn to the government or the school for financial aid if at all possible.
If you choose to have an abortion, please break up with your boyfriend anyway and find someone who will respect you and support your decisions. You are growing this child, carrying delicate life in YOUR womb, it will be your decision and if he chooses not to support you, then leave him.
I pray that god watches over you and the blessing growing inside you. Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Oh dear...that is really tricky. Well firstly I would suggest talking to a guidance councellor or someone that works at something like Family Planning or the doctors talk to you and goes through every option available to you. Because you need to look at and discuss everything so you know what best suits you.
No the father cannot force you to give up the child, he really can't. Although I would relook the relationship, he doesn't sound very supportive. Yes it's a bad time, and he most likely really doesn't want this...but you need support now, not pressure into anything like giving the baby up. Consider if he is best to be around with, he might try force u/hurt u into getting rid of the child. I don't know maybe that's dramatic but you have to make sure you are safe. Best thing to say really is talk to people. Start talking about your options. Best of luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): You have to consent to the actual procedure, so at the end of the day it is your choice. He cannot force you to do anything.
Do you think that if you give up this baby and remain in a relationship with this man you will ever feel the same about him? He would always remain the reason you killed or gave away your child that you wanted to keep so badly...the relationship would not last and then you lost a child and a lover...You cannot force him to take responsibility for a child he does not want so if you do keep it you will probably be a single mom. You have to decide what is most important to you, keep a man who's morals clealy do not coincide with yours. Or have a baby and care for and cherish another human being who will depend on you for everything and love you unconditionally.
I hope you make the right choice for you, and don't let anyone force you to do anything that is against your will.
All the best!
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female
reader, Battista +, writes (5 October 2010):
Number 1, no of course your bf can't FORCE you to do anything.
How could he?
I note how you say you would feel guilty in giving up the child for adoption; would you not, however, feel guilty for having to rely heavily on others to basically finance your baby when you know full well you can't afford it?
I think your reasoning if bit peculiar, perhaps even immature to be honest. Should you give your baby up so your bf sticks around? I would say no; I honestly don't think that is a valid concern. Is that your main concern? That your bf sticks around? If that really is your main motivation then I might argue that you are not ready for a baby full stop.
If, however, you are considering giving up the baby for adoption so it can be offered a good quality of life by parents who are financially able to look after it properly, then I would say that is a valid reason and perhaps you should seriously consider this route. Also bear in mind whether as a single parent (which it sounds like you might be), with very low income, you would be able to bring up a child as well as somebody else would be able to. And, are you prepared to become a single parent?
I think you should bear in mind your bf's concerns. Something about the way the question has been phrased makes me wonder how accidental this pregnancy actually is, although of course that could well be my mistake. I suppose at the end of the day he shouldn't be sleeping with you if he doesn't want the risk of a baby, but I can see it from his point of view as well as yours. Where children are concerned, money is a very important issue indeed and not to be brushed aside.
Basically, can you- and I mean YOU, not people bankrolling you- offer the child a good life? Can you do this independently or will you expect others to have to cough up? You need to think about these questions seriously.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): Hi there! oh bless you! firstly no a guy can not force you to have an abortion - absolutely no way! secondly ...I feel from your words you have a huge heart and in truth do not have the capability to give this child up for adoption either .......I somehow sense there is a part of you that is kind of pleased at the prospect of being a mummy! :0) follow your heart is the only advice I can give here truthfully! such a huge decision with huge consequences of any action that you choose to take , and it is your life and that of your child - nobody has the right to influence your decision either way although I got a feeling I know what your choice (YOUR being the keyword here) will be and in reflection of that ? Congratulations ((*_*)) xx
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