A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My mother is obsessive and calls me literally 20 times in a 5 hour period if I go out to meet friends, even if I do answer. I don't get it, I don't do anything I shouldn't and rarely even drink, and I've repeatedly proven I can be trusted. In spite of that, she bitches at me constantly about not updating her on where I am every hour. I'm 24 years old for fuck's sake, what more does she need than a call to let her know I got there safely?This Saturday was one of the worst times with her, I was stuck taking three trains home late at night because the one train that goes straight to my neighborhood stopped running. The subway system here is usually safe and I wasn't concerned, but that didn't mean anything to my mother. In spite of how many times I've proven I have the sense not to get in some stranger's car, she loves to bring up stories she sees on the news of idiot girls that go out drinking and then let strange men take them home only to be killed. I, on the other hand, was completely sober and am always aware of my surroundings, yet she's convinced the same thing will happen to me.I know she's just being a parent but this is really getting carried away, it's so embarrassing to get bitched at and have to answer a million questions about where I am and why I'm not home at 10pm on the phone in front of my friends. How can I get her to back off?
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female
reader, AuntieSnap  +, writes (10 October 2010):
Hi there,
It's very hard in this day and age for mums not to worry regardless of how old you are. You did'nt say if you called your mum to let her know about the trains, maybe if you had she would'nt have reacted the way she did. Don't forget we are constantly bombarded by the media with stories of murders, the threat of terrorist attacts,rapists, abductions etc so its no wonder your poor mum frets. However saying that she needs to relax a bit and cut you some slack otherwise she will crack up. Has something happened at anytime to make her so cautious? She may be really terrified of a certain situation happening ie, you getting attacked or mugged?. You really need to have a proper in depth discussion about this and ask her about her fears for your safety came from and why she is so protective.
You sound like a sensible person who would'nt put yourself in situations that you can't handle. I have no doubt that when you out you probably get bombarded with calls from her. This has to stop otherwise you will never get peace to enjoy yourself. Tell her you will call at a designated time, say when you are heading home and this will be the ONLY call of the evening from you and this should be more than adequate. If she has to call you, again make sure it is ONE CALL ONLY. Maybe take a class in self defence? This will give her security knowing that you can handle yourself should something untoward happen,
Both our kids go out with fully charged & credited mobiles so they can contact us if need be. I have to say all of us as a family feel secure knowing we have this contact if anything should happen. I rarely have to call and is usually them calling me for a free taxi service for them and their pals!
If your mum didnt care about you she would'nt nag so much and being a mum is one of the hardest jobs in the world and you are probably the most precious thing in her world. Give her a big cuddle, tell her you love her to bits, nagging and all and you'll always need her but you are perfectly able to take care of yourself, and sit down and have that chat when you are both in a calm frame of mind, no point in doing it when you're both stressed as it will go nowhere. Maybe even make a point of having an evening out for dinner or a show together, this would give her a focus. It could also be that you are an adult and she feels she has no control anymore. Its very hard for parent to accept their kids have grown up and to let go. The manual on How to Not to Worry as a Parent is still being written!
Hope this helps @ take care.
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