A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:If a guy has had an illicit emotional (nothing physical but sexy and loving talk) relationship with another woman, do you think it is possible for him to 'drop her' because he is found out?If he has been able to completely cut her out of his life do you think there was anything that much between them in the first place?He led her on to believe it would lead to more (sex I assume) and she reciprocated but since being found out he has cut off all contact and says it would never have led anywhere anyway and they were both getting bored by it and knew it would never lead anywhere and he intended 'phasing it out' anyway (she was married too).I am apparently the great love of his life (actually I do believe and know that) and he says he will regret hurting me as long as he lives (I've virtually had a nervous breakdown over the thought of him being so close to another female and can't get it out of my head). My only 'consolation' is that we were going through a bad patch when he turned to her and am making excuses for him in my mind that it wouldn't have happened if I'd been the loving wife he wanted.Do you think the regret is at being found out and nearly losing his marriage of over 30 years or a genuine regret to have hurt the 'love of his life'?Also, do you believe in the saying 'once a cheat always a cheat'.To make matters worse I have also found out he was very close to another woman about 8 years ago. He is a ladies man and all my friends comment how much fun and flirty he is and he does get on very well with women and can talk on their wavelength unlike many men. Your opinions on human nature, men in particular, would be much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): HI, if this is SB then i am sorry for the pain you are going through. i have read all your posts and just when i think HE couldn't do any more to hurt you, you post again. i think to give the aunts a better understaning of your hb's affair, you should link all your posts here. all i can say is you know what he has done to you, claims to be "sorry" but more lies and evidence of his cheating has surfaced. in the end he will drive you crazy if you do not let it go. he has proven untrustworthy for so long noe, i think you know what you need to do but you have chosen not to. my heart goes out to you, you do not deserve all this he is putting you through. peace my frined, just make peace with his affairs.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (9 January 2010):
 I think he regrets hurting you. And he probably turned to this other woman for emotional support.
Regardless, she may have given him pause to think about you, rather than her.
Frankly, if it was never going to amount to anything, I think most of all he regrets that you got hurt over it.
Maybe the best thing to do is simply forgive and move on together. It sounds like the two of you have 30 years under your belt together. Why waste that over something he did that didn't amount to much?
When guys look for an emotional affair, its because they're hurt and lonely and frankly its no different than joining a support group, only in this case it might have been a bit more salacious than you'd have preferred.
All-in-all its best to work on making the two of you happy together that counts. Perhaps what he learned in this interlude may actually help your marriage rather than hurt it.
If we take constructive things with us as part of the lessons we learn in life, we can use them to build better, more lasting relationships. Perhaps this is what he and you can do with this rather than use it as an instrument of fear or hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2010): I rang to confront her and she said she's told her h/band. I think she's just told him the bare minimum or that I'm some psycho wife with the wrong end of the stick.
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (8 January 2010):
 I told my girlfriend(upon finding out about an emotional and physical affair) your not sorry you did it, your sorry you got caught! if they are sorry they did it, they would admitt it to you, emotional affairs in my mind, are every bit as bad as physical, if you love some one emotionally that is, if you dont, then they wont bother you that much!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): He knew this would hurt you deeply but if still carried on. Personally I think people can stray once in a while (talking to an ex etc) but carrying on with something like that was breaking the comitment you both made. It would take alot of work in your relationship to make you trust him again. If he was able to 'see' another woman (in emotional terms) just because you were going through a bad patch in a 30 year relationship it sounds as if he is just making excuses and makeing you blame yourself is not apologetic on his part.
Giving up on a relationship that you're so deeply involved is definatly not a decition to make right away. Maybe give it a few months to talk things over see how it goes. Ask any questions about this woman he spoke to and make sure he does not engage with her anymore. It would be even more heartbreaking if you forgive him too soon and find out he hasn't changed. Don't ever blame yourself you're worth alot more.
On a personal level I could not forgive this behaviour although I don't know the details of what happened. If you're not careful this might seriously effect your self esteem. When someone cheats (whether emotional or otherwise) jealousy can start becoming a bigger and bigger problem and all sorts of problems can occur from this.
I would recomend you thinking about couples coucelling or having talks with your partner to comunicate your feelings and to think of ways to prevent too many 'bad patches' and other issues including talking openly about why he cheated and what went on and things that happen along the way.
As Jeremy Kyle would tell you, if you decide to forgive your husband and move on you cannot throw it back in his face in later arguments.
In my own experiance, he will probably have some comunication with her at some point. Most probably innocent but it can be difficult to cut someone out even if you intend to life doesn't turn out that way. Also I am almost certain that he regrets hurting you, I wouldn't doubt that at all.
Good luck to you and be patient, don't ever blame yourself and be reasonable with your partner. xx
Also, does this womans husband know about this?
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