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male
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*uackser
writes: Hi...I'm due to be married in August to a beautiful kind and hardworking lady. We have dated over the last 4.5 years and over that time the only problems we have ever had centre around me being able to trust her. She cheated on me with an ex and confessed in an email I saw that she was still in love with him....this was several years ago and we managed to go on. There was another upset over txt messages she had been receiving from another guy that had kept asking her out - when I confronted her as to why she had kept these secret she said it was something that got out of hand. Last year I caught her red handed in the arms of another man late at night with a prolonged kiss, before leaving his house and she said it was because he had kissed her when she was vulnerable, having had a few glasses of wine - this man was more or less a stranger and she swore it was a big mistake and, after having broken up briefly, we got back on track. However, she continues to get text messages from her ex and from other men at odd hours and she indicates these are just friends.I am getting more and more anxious about setting my life's route in the direction of us both living in total trust and harmony subsequent to marriage in August. Please understand that in all other ways I am complete with her but my frustration of going over already trodden ground is becoming exasperating. Please afford me your advise.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 I think if you go ahead with this marriage yo'll end up in big trouble. She's not ready for marriage.
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 Marriage is a huge commitment based around trust, love respect and growing together. So far shes not being fair to you in alot of ways, sleeping with ex's, texting men all different times that are "friends" and ex's, kissing a stranger!! Im not sure what is the worst out of these, the stranger or the ex!! Either is not acceptable, but I can understand the first time around you forgave her and moved on. However she wasnt content with that and has continued to give you reason to doubt her, therefore making you not trust her and hold less respect for her. If she had enough respect for you she wouldnt be putting herself in these situations. We are all entitled to a second chance and to be given the benefit of the doubt, but at some point this all has to end. Marriage will not change her, you already know what she is like and if you think you can deal with that then good luck, but I dont think she will change just cos you guys got hitched, if shes like this when you two are single what will she be like when your married when she doesnt need to try to win your affection and already has the ring on her finger ? if she wanted to marry you as much as you do her, surely you wouldnt behave like she is ? I cant say for sure whether she will cheat on you again, but given her past she's no saint, maybe talk to her explain your anguish, if she has any regard for you she will hear you out and understand, I appreciate you dont want to stop her having friends even if they are ex's and of the opposite sex, but she needs to show you some respect at the same time and understand that you are taking your relationship seriously and want to make a bright happy future together. You have already given her a couple of chances, think very carefully before you say I do as it is a huge commitment, and you really dont want to be in this position a year down the line, married and doubting her, when shes found another stranger or an ex to get entwinned with.
Take care and I hope it works out for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): Trust is one of the cornerstones of marriage. If you can't trust her, might I suggest the obvious of putting of the chains of marriage until you are absolutely sure that she can be trusted with your love? Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ainley +, writes (24 May 2006):
 i can see why you feel the way you feel and with every right, she hasn't exactly gone out of her way to make you trust her. i think the best way to see if the relationship is worth your time and heart felt love is to tell her if she loves you and respects you enough to delete and cut off as much contact with her ex as much as possible, which is what i think she should of done in the first place. it may be great that shes managed to stay friends with her ex and it shows great character but the fact that she hasnt completely stayed friends so to speak says alot and if she wants to prove hers elf to you then she'll ditch him or less contact. all i can say is you deserve better personally. best of luck x
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