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female
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anonymous
writes: Not sure where I am with this guy who I’ve been close friends with for 5 months. I’d say I’m too cautious with men, and in some ways would like to overcome it. However, I want to know if this guy is a player, is confused, or being a gentleman. He sends me wonderful messages with increasing numbers of kisses at the end of them, but struggles verbally to express himself as he is shy amongst other things. He seemed to become extra interested in me after his friends approved of me. At the beginning of the month he sent me some amazing messages and one evening he gave me a gift and played a CD of love songs. Looking back, it seems obvious he wanted to take things further. He finds excuses to make physical contact (cuddles, tickling) and puts his face up to mine and looks into my eyes and smiles. Nothing happens though, because I don’t want to be used for a casual fling - he doesn’t say verbally how he feels about me, which I find frustrating, and I don’t want to misinterpret things. I wonder if he’s waiting for me to make the move because I told him I don’t sleep around. There are further complications.......He didn’t contact me for a couple of weeks from just before Valentine’s Day. I was worried that I’d done something wrong but he finally contacted me saying he had telephone problems, although that’s a rubbish reason. I didn’t think anymore of it; I was happy he was ok. Anyway, he told me the other day that he’d split up with his ex at this time which really shocked me because a) it explained the real reason why I hadn’t heard from him and b) because I assumed they had split up at New Year (my friends were encouraging me to send him a Valentine’s card which I’m glad I didn’t now as he got one he got from his ex so they were still together then). He was with her for 5 years and they were engaged. I guess I’m being unreasonable in thinking he’s hiding things from me as we hadn’t discussed boyfriends/girlfriends, but it feels like he’s lied in terms of telephone problems and I feel hurt that he didn’t feel that he could discuss it with me at the time. Also several times when I’ve left his house, he says he’s going to have his tea or go to bed, but when I go back past his house (I have to turn the car around), I’ve seen him getting into his car.Another complication is that I’ve developed feelings for him. He’s been talking about his ex recently and although I’m happy he’s now opening up to me, my heart breaks when he talks about the romantic things he had done for her while I wish it was me. He has trinkets from her that he’s keeping, which is fair enough as she was a huge part of his life, but I’ve noticed many on display in his room. I appreciate he needs time to get over her, so how long do I give him? How do I know if he’s on the rebound? My head is telling me it’s far too soon for him to get involved with someone but I don’t want to miss my chance. Or have I already and entered the dreaded friendship zone?One minute I think he sees me as more than a friend because of the messages he sends me but then he says things like ‘you never know who you might date in the future’, or talking about where he’d like to get intimate, which when he says it I get the impression doesn’t include me. Is he just testing me to see what my reaction would be?When I mentioned going to live abroad, he seemed upset that I would leave him behind.I can’t believe he would knowingly treat me badly as we have known each other for years and he is obviously capable of having a long term committed relationship. Any advice as to what is going on here and how to deal with it would be very much appreciated.
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (25 May 2006):
 I think you need to tread carefully, this is something you already recognise I think. You cant put a time scale on recovering from a break-up but if he was showing you this affection before he split with his ex then you can pretty much rule out this being a rebound reaction. His feelings maybe have intensified as a result of that but this is not a pure bounce in that the feelings are illusory.
It is bad he said about the telephone line problems but this seems like one of those forgiveable lies in that it was a product of awkwardness not a desire to harm or hurt. If he is now being open with his emotions but part of that is the hurt hes going through over his ex. Try and move the conversation to positive memories of your friendship if you can.
In general you have to play it by ear. It sounds like he is attracted to you but its going to take some time to work out with everything that is going on. Hope that helps.Take care.
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