A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi..I have been having an affair with a married man (co worker) for 2 years. I am married aswell. We are both in unhappy marriages and here for our children only. We have had many ups and downs in the 2 years.On Wednesday we went away for a couple of days. We wined and dined. Spent hours talking about our relationship and came to the decision after many tears that we would stop our sexual relationship as its hurting us both so much and be friends. Since I have come home I am so so upset. I can't eat, sleep, I cry all of the time. The thought of never being with him again is killing me. He says he loves me and this is killing him too.I have read alot on this subject and alot of people advise to go cold turkey. We are co workers however I am on sick leave until May ( I am having some operations). My dilema is do I tell him that I can't just be friends and use these three months to stop all contact to try and heal myself before having to see him again everyday when I return to work or do I be still close to him as a friend? I will miss him so much.He has no idea if his marriage will ever work but he says he has to try for his son. I feel so angry and upset. I have thought about telling his wife but what will that achieve?If I do go cold turkey what shall I say to him and how to I stop myself texting him or trying to call him? My will power where he is concerned is zero.Thanks in advance xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2011): I would like to say thank you to everyone that took the time to reply. I have taken all the advice on board and I ended our relationship yesterday. I wrote him a three page email. I feel dreadful and haven't eaten, slept or stopped crying since. I know this is the only thing I can do so that I can start to heal.
Thank you again x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2011): I just picked up something:
You are on sick leave (your company pays you for this), during your sick leave you are out wining and dining with your lover. Be careful that your company does not get wind of the fact that you are 'well enough" to run around with your lover at the expense of the company.
I work in the legal industry: know of a story where this guy claimed sick leave but was 'fit' enough to go out and enjoy entertainment. Not only was he dismissed, but he was forced to pay back his remuneration.
Just saying.....
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2011): You and your lover should leave your marriages and be together. Two years is quite awhile to have been doing this. It's going nowhere and no by going back to your marriages you're going backwards in life rather than moving forwards.You two are only staying in your marriages because of your children. Let me tell you, you are not doing your children any favors by raising them in a home where their parents are not in love with each other or don't respect each other.People say you should end the affair (true) and go back to the marriage. Really? Go back to the marriage, after an affair?? Just like that? As if the marriage is something that can just be picked up where you left off?Going back to a marriage after an affair, the marriage is just not the same since before the affair. Probably since long before the affair. And especially if the affair ended not because you realized you truly love your spouses but instead because of external reasons going counter to your heart and mind.You can both return to your marriages in body, but in spirit it's just never going to be the same even if your spouses don't find out. I doubt your marriages will become that much more fulfilling. You're just prolonging the lies - the lie is the marriage itself. And you think that by giving up the person you truly want to be with, that this will somehow make the person you did NOT want to be with, suddenly more attractive or appealing or even tolerable to you?What I'm saying is that your marriages were lies to begin with otherwise you wouldn't be having a long-term affair forming a real bond with someone else. I think the affair was a wake up call that you two are with the wrong people. So why go back to the lie and continue it? Living in a marriage you don't want is going to make you depressed. Since you're only staying for the children, what kind of parents will you be if you're depressed all the time? Will you grow to subconsciously resent your kids because you had to live this life for them? Would your spouses be better off either single or with someone else who truly and honestly wanted them, rather than living their lives with you who are just staying with them as a consolation prize because you couldn't be with the one your heart truly wanted? You disrespect your spouses by going back to them after an affair. You're basically saying "well I guess I have to be with you, so I will, even though I really don't want to."I speak as someone whose husband had an affair, but broke it off and stayed with me for the sake of the kids. I found that a huge insult. If you don't truly want me, then don't stay with me, I have more self-respect than to allow someone to stay with me when he didn't want to but just because he felt he "had" to. And I wasn't going to beg him to try to want me again, the heart doesn't work that way, you can't make yourself want someone that you don't. If he wanted someone else besides me, then I don't want him any more because what we have is a lie. I let him go so he could be with the one he truly wanted. What do we teach our kids? that marriage is to be a beautiful and precious relationship between husband and wife. It's not about who has kids with whom therefore you must live together and not have sex with anyone else. After his affair with the woman he wanted to be with (it wasn't a one night stand it was a years-long emotional affair) I did not want him back with me knowing his heart sincerely didn't want to be with me but he only came back because he felt he "had" to. That's so insulting. Don't do that to your spouses. why don't you and your lover face the fact that your marriages are not what you want, and get divorces. Make it legal, and make it open and honest. Be honest with yourselves and be honest with your spouses that you don't want to be tied to them because your heart isn't with them.
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A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 If you tell his wife, are you also prepared to admit that you have been carrying on with him for the last two years?
She may well suspect that he is involved with someone else, but such news would not be welcomed by her. And how would he feel about you telling his wife?
No, maybe you'd better re-think that idea. In any event, if he wants to end it - or downgrade it to being friends, you really don't have a choice, do you? Might be better to nix the idea of staying as friends since it will tear you apart, and see if you can get a transfer to another part of your workplace........see if you can focus on your marriage instead......
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (12 February 2011):
 Staying just friends with your ex lover never works,especially when one of the partner's wanted more.If you stay friends with him you will be slowly torturing yourself.Why put yourself through that? If your ex lover really loved you then he would of left his wife and stayed with you, but he didn't. He is choosing to be with his wife, so his marriage cant be that bad.
If you can,I would find some other place to work otherwise if you keep seeing him how are you going to get over him?
You must stop all contact I know its going to be hard, but what is the alternative? Sharing him forever, can you honestly do that? You will end up resenting him....
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A
female
reader, Esme7655 +, writes (12 February 2011):
So sad, and I'm sorry you feel that way about him. I was in a similar situation...but I was single, he was married (I didn't know, and when I found out, ended it) As co-workers, I encouraged him to try and fix things with his wife. We still work together, and let me tell you, it sucks!!!!
You've probably neglected your family because all your thoughts are of him and you together.
You guys messed each other up, now you have to fix it. Your life, your marriage, if you want it.
You want to call his wife and ruin her life as well, make her hurt as much as you do, but honestly, it won't help, it gets worse, and if you want to go down that road, you'll end up in a much nastier place. Trust me, you don't want to go there.
Right now you feel f*cking miserable, after 2 years, I don't think 3 months is enough time, to get over him, but it's a good start. You can look for a new job or go back to school? Reconnect with your family, your husband, seek counseling, talk to a close friend, a family member.
You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.
If and when he contacts you, to see how you're doing, I would advise you to disregard him. Make no contact. At this point it doesn't matter who started the affair. He broke it off to fix his family, his son.
You should focus on your loved ones at home.
If he wants to be with you, it needs to be on a clean slate, no wife, no
baggage, no drama. Otherwise you will go crazy. Seriously.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (12 February 2011):
 In any relationship, breaking up is never an easy thing. From what you wrote, I get the impression it was his idea to end the affair. Am I correct? That would mean you are the one still clinging to the hope that he will change his mind and come running back to you.
You’ve been carrying on this affair for two years. It’s quite possible he no longer feels that spark between you, or thinks you are becoming too emotionally involved, so he’s pulling away. That’s one of the many problems with affairs. Unless, both parties are willing to end their marriages, the relationship can only go so far. He may be have lost interest in you, so don’t be surprised if he becomes involved with another woman sometime in the future. Hopefully, he is serious about doing the right thing for his family, but that remains to be seen.
You need to think about your own husband’s feelings. If you are no longer in love with him, and unwilling to fix the problems in your marriage, you need to let your husband move on, so he can find someone who is willing to give him 100% of their heart. Have you considered marriage counseling?
The fact that you and this man are co-workers is going to make this hard for you. Is it possible for you to get transferred to a different department, in order to minimize your interaction with this man? If not, you need to start looking for another job. I realize this is not what you want, but it’s the best thing for you.
As far as telling his wife about the affair, that is up to you. Many people will tell you to keep your mouth shut, while others think it’s best to let the wife know. When I was younger, I was cheated on repeatedly by a boyfriend in high school, so from my experience I think it’s best to tell the other woman what is going on. It’s the worst feeling in the world to know that others have kept this secret from you. In this case, you are married, so you need to realize this man or his wife may end up telling your husband about the affair. Is this something you are prepared to deal with?
I look forward to hearing your responses to my questions. What do you think you will end up doing? Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Esme7655 +, writes (12 February 2011):
So sad, and I'm sorry you feel that way about him. I was in a similar situation...but I was single, he was married (I didn't know, and when I found out, ended it) As co-workers, I encouraged him to try and fix things with his wife. We still work together, and let me tell you, it sucks!!!! You've probably neglected your family because all your thoughts are of him and you together. You guys messed each other up, now you have to fix it. Your life, your marriage, if you want it. You want to call his wife and ruin her life as well, make her hurt as much as you do, but honestly, it won't help, it gets worse, and if you want to go down that road, you'll end up in a much nastier place. Trust me, you don't want to go there.Right now you feel miserable, after 2 years, I don't think 3 months is enough time, to get over him, but it's a good start. You can look for a new job or go back to school? Reconnect with your family, your husband, seek counseling, talk to a close friend, a family member. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. If and when he contacts you, to see how you're doing, I would advise you to disregard him. Make no contact. At this point it doesn't matter who started the affair. He broke it off to fix his family, his son.You should focus on your loved ones at home.If he wants to be with you, it needs to be on a clean slate, no wife, no baggage, no drama. Otherwise you will go crazy. Seriously.
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