A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a situation that I would have never in a million years believed that I could be in.I have never been unfaithful to anyone - ever. I think that trust and honesty are two of the most important things in a successful relationship and I've always tried to foster them, especially since I met the man who became my husband.This is quite a long story, however, all of the information seems necessary in my opinion.When I first met my husband (I'll call him John) I felt an immediate connection. It wasn't so much "love at first sight" as it was a sense of closeness or familiarity. We instantly became best friends.About a month after I met him, I met his brother. With his brother (I'll call him Dan) it was love at first sight. I was absolutely smitten. Now, he is a good looking man, but please keep in mind that John is as well. Actually, the general consensus tends to be that John is more desirable that Dan. However, for me, he was perfect.John and Dan have always been very close and it shows. Their personalities are almost identical. Naturally, after I got to know Dan I fell head over heels for him. I still got that sense of familiarity from him but also passion and intrigue.Dan lived a couple of hours away and I didn't see him as often. I never told him how I felt (though I'm pretty sure he knew and felt the same) because John was beginning to fall in love with me. I tried, relentlessly, to explain to John that our friendship was important and I did not view him as more than that. I did not lead him on.The situation remained the same for about two years. John, my absolute best friend (who is also the sweetest, most wonderful man I've ever known) was madly in love with me and I with his brother. To be honest, my biological clock was ticking and I desperately wanted to marry and have a family. As the years went by (and after myriad hours of deliberation and frustration) I began to feel as if I could be happy with John.Here were my reasons:1. He honestly is one of the best people I have ever known. He's incredibly intelligent, talented, funny, caring, gentle, handsome... and he absolutely adores me. He'd never in a million years mistreat me.2. I loved him. It wasn't with passion, but I loved him. He was my best friend, and I knew that I wanted him to be around forever.3. He was in a lot of pain. Our friendship was really beginning to torment him. We got along wonderfully, spent all of our time together, helped one another through thick and thin and we just seemed to "get" each other. Despite my attempts to push him away, he was painfully in love with me.4. Knowing that Dan had a loyalty to John, I accepted that I would never get to be with him. At this point, despite how much I loved Dan, I wasn't willing to hurt John regardless. Also, I really began to think that I was getting over Dan. I wasn't able to see him as much and I seemed to think of him less and less.So, after one fateful night of drinking a bit too much, John and I kissed and from that moment on we were together. After a while it seemed right to marry and so we did. I do love John, so so so very much. Here is where my dilemma enters.We moved in with Dan. It turned out that John wanted to move and Dan was moving too so they decided to live together. I thought it would be fine. At this point, I really had accepted that Dan was an impossibility and John was the man I should be with.Dan hadn't really been having much luck with the ladies and his loneliness tended to be a main point of conversation for John and I for quite some time. John would often point out how Dan needed someone like me, that I am the female version of Dan, that Dan coveted me, that Dan and I were perfect for each other.John meant no harm... he honestly cares about his brother and naturally wants him to be happy. I never let him know how much it affected me to hear those things. Even when I met their mother for the first time she told me that she asked Dan about me and that he said "if John doesn't marry her, then I'm gonna". Naturally his mother thought that was so sweet and shared it with me.The past year or so has been torturous. The more I see Dan the more I realize how much I love him... the more I see that he has always been the man for me... and the more I see that he's in love with me too.We had never acted inappropriately together. We did hang out quite a bit, but nothing happened... for years nothing happened. We didn't even give one another hugs; there was no flirting - nothing. Last night John went to sleep a little early and Dan and I stayed up talking. We were drinking (actually having a bit of a celebration) and before I knew it I caught myself flirting with him a bit. It was little things - childish things even; love taps and disguised comments and sitting just a little closer than before. I made a comment to him about his love life (which was still lacking) and told him that it was just because I loved him and wanted him happy. After that everything exponentially escalated and I ended up in bed with him (John had left for work by this time).We did talk about it a little afterward and tried to justify it with the following logic:We both fell in love with one another years before I began dating John. We both knew that no matter what we couldn't be together. We decided that we should have had one another years prior to John and I dating and that this isolated incident was making up for not doing it then. Despite the seemingly infallible logic (yes, that is sarcasm), I still feel terrible. It's even worse because I feel wonderful and terrible at the same time. Naturally, it was amazing for me to finally be able to hold and kiss and touch this man that I've loved for so long, but the guilt I carry is intolerable.As I said earlier, I had never been unfaithful and I just cannot understand how I let this happen. Afterward, despite being on cloud nine, I knew that it as a huge mistake. The reasons are too many to list and I cannot believe it happened. My question is:As long as I never do what I did again, can I keep what happened from my husband? Telling him will not only ruin my relationship, but - more importantly - it will ruin their relationship with each other. I'm sure eventually they would make a mends... but I really think it would take years. To be honest, I believe that John would still want to be with me, I just don't want to tell him because he'll be devastated and our relationship would be very negatively effected. It almost seems that telling him would do no good aside from making me feel better. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have made an appointment and will be going in 3 weeks.
John and I had been trying for almost a year I would say.
It's just really scary because I keep hearing "6 weeks". If I am that far along then it cannot be John's. It just seems so unlikely that it could be Dan's.
Thanks for your responses.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 That's what I'm worried about, that wild card of a brother, he's got to learn to act normally.....
Go to the clinic, give them your dates, period and stuff.. tell them everything, it's confidential and they don't judge... they will be able to help you...
sigh... pregnancy.... sigh
Well, it's what you and your husband want.. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell Mia, they say that I'm 6 weeks along which is frightening... that's right when all of this happened.
I don't think it's very possible since he pulled out... but like I said, John and I had been trying to get pregnant for quite some time with no luck. I don't know what the chances are and I don't know what to think.
Dan knows now but he is acting very disinterested in the whole thing. John is actually a little bothered by his brother's reaction.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 July 2010):
I heard pregnant... damn, just when things were going so well.. so what happens now dear lady?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, I would have responded to each of you who posted before, but that would've taken forever. I actually had no idea that it would be better for me to check the site everyday. In fact, initially, I wasn't sure if anyone would answer at all.
In short, I'm very appreciative that so many of you are passionate about your position and have taken the time to answer my question. I wasn't able to respond before, but I am able to now. Keep in mind, for those of you looking to argue with me - you are wasting your time. I am normally up for a good argument, but there isn't much to argue about when I agree with the 95% of Aunts on here despite the constant attacks. I don't (obviously) agree with telling my husband, but for the most part I agree with the how you feel about me as a person.
I will clarify to Q and Bunny Tee that I am not leaving John and what I said/ meant was that I agree that John and I should move away from Dan.
Bunny Tee, I appreciate your patience and fervor in defending me while I was unable to respond. I ultimately have done what you suggested. I think that you are a bit more genuine an open-minded than many of the other Aunts. I don't get the impression that you get on here to make yourself feel better by judging others and hiding behind a computer in your ivory tower. I admire that about you because I think I would have a hard time being as understanding as you have with me if I heard my story as an outsider.
To Fem Anon that was very upset that I said that Dan is suffering - relax. I was saying that in response to a previous post that said I was making it harder on him by living with him (why he hasn't been able to have a real relationship since I've known him). He was suffering emotionally before this incident occurred.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI haven't posted in quite a while. Things have gotten a little busy over here. Here's an update:John and I went on vacation for a couple of weeks (we've had the trip planned since way before any of this started) and had an absolutely amazing time. Being alone with him and reconnecting with him was something we really needed. I'm sure some of you will disagree with my statements, but it really helped me sort through some of this mess I created.I was able to see again why I chose to be with John. We get each other and cannot help but be drawn to one another (in similar and different ways, yes). During this time, I really and truly decided that I need to make my relationship with John work - not only do I need it, but I want it. He is a perfect husband and I will spend the rest of my life trying to deserve him. As for Dan, we have an unspoken understanding now. We both know how the other feels and have found peace in knowing; that allowed us to accept our situation and move forward. We messed up - several times over, IMO - but there are no re-dos and we have to deal with it. We are not going to have an affair, period. I'm not going to leave John or destroy their relationship by telling him, period. With that being said, very honestly of course, there is a new problem for which my concern could be unwarranted but I need to get it out... again... and I have no one to talk to.For those of you who guessed it: I'm pregnant.I'm not sure how much info is appropriate or allowed on this site, but as I am anonymous and very honest... here goes.John and I had been trying to get pregnant for close to 18 months now. We have been completely unsuccessful. We haven't gone to a doctor about what the problems could be because we figured that it would happen when it happened and we're still young and healthy.I know how the ovulation cycle works and typically you aren't ovulating until 2 weeks before your menstruating begins. So, that is why my worry might not be warranted, but I can't help it. Dan did not use protection and rather just pulled out (I know it is terrible, but it was in the heat of the moment and the info is necessary). He knew that I wasn't on contraceptives. I know that this method works pretty well but of course there are other factors and I heard that the "precum" is more potent than the regular stuff. Now this happened just days after I ended my last menstrual cycle. I haven't had one since.Now when John and I were on vacation, we did have sex quite a bit and it was much more passionate than it has been since when we first got together. This vacation does mark when I would be ovulating if I follow the usual pattern so realistically, that is when it happened... right?The only reason I am so frightened is because we had been so unsuccessful in the past and I just never thought it would happen. I began to think that one of us was infertile. I know that it can take quite a while to conceive - especially if you had been taking the pill for a while beforehand - but the chances all seem rather strange and I'm not sure what to think.We haven't told many people yet, but John was excited (naturally) and told Dan yesterday right before he left for work... Dan kind of shrugged it off and said he didn't believe it. I haven't seen him since and I'm not sure if he has the same concerns that I do. I don't want to talk to him about it and obviously have no one else to talk to.Is there anyone here who can tell me the chances based on what you've heard?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2010):
 When the OP returns for a followup, she is free to PM me so I can notify admin to reopen the question. Thanks!
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (3 June 2010):
 True, valid point,q. But what if John goes all fruit loop-like and takes a flyin' leap off the nearest bridge, convinced he failed to satisfy his wife and look what her drove her to do? What then? Presto: compounded evil.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
NO! Really? She's leaving John? I missed that altogether somehow. Oh man. now see what you've gone and done?
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
excepting, of course, the righteous indignation of fem. anon., that is.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
OP: though we've tangeted off into the weeds here abit in effort to interject a bit of levity into the grimness this has become, I want you to know, that my song remains the same: spare John this atrocity. Confess to an outside, disinterested party if you must. Your choice is essentially selecting the lesser of two evils. I believe you're horribly aware of your deeds and will endeavor to keep it clean forthwith. I think, though lively and highly diversified, all those who've opined mean you well, myself included. I wish you the absolute best in going forward.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
I'd say that description is quite accurate, q. Amarillo looks like one humungous truck stop, but it was ok.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
I was completely unimpressed with Brownville. Baytown was downright frightening.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
OMG! Look! fem. anon has posted! Amazing news, sports fans: Dan is the devil himself!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Been there, done that and before you even think it, q, Bunny did NOT do Dallas, either! No, it was somewhere going towards Brownsville, I think.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
OMG..chimichangas...YUM...there was a place in Texas I was at......small town, really, there were tumbleweeds rolling across the road and even a roadrunner..the whole thing was surreal..but I digress as I am wont to do, why are we talking about food now?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 June 2010):
 El Segundo ? I have been there, there 's a cool Mexican restaurant that's famous for chimichangas.
At least, I think they were chimichangas.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): BunnyTee I note you had a few snide comments about my 'rant' and then decided to have a go at Raiders again. To you this is all a GAME. I know you can spell that! You are not only arrogant but sarcastic and rude. I have noted that you like to hijack posts and continue your "games". You insult the aunts, you appear pompous and you are what? the belle of the ball , all of a sudden. If you want to play games or heaven forbid coyly flirt why not take it offline. You enjoy the baiting and the 'catch me while you can" fun and you turn an OP's request for assistance into your own personal game. Yes you are looking for attention, you are enjoying the attention but at whose expense? Perhaps some subtlety would stand you in good stead. This thread is not about you so please STOP it and do not turn it into a mockery.
To Raiders; i do not care whether English is your second language or not (as Bunny implied with her insult) I understand you perfectly. You do not need to have a false sense of superiority or arrogance to make sense. In fact I would understand you in any language.
Quit with the games. It is not appreciated! Take it offline or go play in the "forums" section.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
I'm defending the OP-Obliterated Poster- because she's served her time in Purgatory. It is ultimately her prerogative on how to proceed. There's not much else that can be done for her. I think we've covered it all.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Very nice, raiders, Splendidly done. Well-executed spin, there.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 June 2010):
 Arrogant
Per OP:
To be honest, I believe that John would still want to be with me, I just don't want to tell him because he'll be devastated
Per Bunny Tee
True, I am arrogant but you say that like it's a bad thing. It's not arrogance if you can back it up.
OP; Arrogance is whats keeping you from being honest to your hubby, because you feel you would be saving him from devastation. I feel you should walk the walk by telling him the truth your husband deserves to have a choice in this relationship. You say he will stay with you anyways, so why not be truthful.
Bunny Tee; You are right to stand up to what you believe and be arrogant about your strong points. I too have my own views and belief. I will apologize to the poster if she felt attacked by me at any point those were not my intentions.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
This thread has taken on a life of it's own, I fear.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2010):
 If you think the OP's been beaten to death wait until her poor husband finds out who and what he married.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
80 what? old buzzard
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Excellent return fire, raiders, but that is not my aim here. It is only that I believe the OP to be beaten to death now.
True, I am arrogant but you say that like it's a bad thing. It's not arrogance if you can back it up.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 June 2010):
Arrogance:
a: an attitude of superiority, manifested in an over bearing manner, or in presumptuous claims or assumption
b: an exaggerated sense of one's importance that shows itself in the making of excessive or unjustified claims
Synonyms:
haughtiness, imperiousness, loftiness, lordliness, masterfulness, peremptoriness, pompousness, presumptuousness, pretense, pretension, pretentiousness, self-importance, superciliousness, superiority
Related Words:
cockiness, self-conceit, pride, vanity, centeredness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): All I an say to add to these 77 (impressive) answers is if you don't tell your husband you are a truely sh!t human being
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
dig·ni·ty (dgn-t)
n. pl. dig·ni·ties
1. The quality or state of being worthy of esteem or respect.
2. Inherent nobility and worth: the dignity of honest labor.
3.
a. Poise and self-respect.
b. Stateliness and formality in manner and appearance.
4. The respect and honor associated with an important position.
5. A high office or rank.
6. dignities The ceremonial symbols and observances attached to high office.
7. Archaic A dignitary.
Learn it, own it, make it your own, raiders. English isn't *my* second language.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (2 June 2010):
If my husband is banging my sister, aunt,or Cousin I would like to know than I would feel that its my decision if I decided to forgive my cheating husband or not. If they kept quiet and I eventually I found out I feel that the outcome would be worst. I would not only feel betrayed but I would feel humiliated and I would not believe this only happened once. I would think back and think on how many times they did it, did they do it in my home, in my bed. I would also think on how many times they laugh in face pretending everything is ok, I would think on who else know of this betrayal. At this point I don't think I would be able to forgive.If they came clean and told me that they made a mistake, that one thing lead to another and they are really sorry and they regret it and this will never happen I again. I would feel betrayed but I would find a little more remorse in them this way than me finding out years later. Will I forgive them this way I don't know but at least I know and I have a choice.and Bunny Tee I'm sured that John thinks that his brother would never do something so undignified, but he did.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Honestly, I was musing to myself over the possibility that I might next begin regurgitating liberal talking points on "the human condition" and other nonsense. It was a frightening moment, lemme tell ya.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Me? *I* say (and this is me, personally) You see this .12 guage loaded with double aught buck shot? Start running. both of you.--DISCLAIMER: this is me personally I am not recommending this course of action to anyone, I am notorious for my inability to suffer stupidity in a gracious manner. I could care less what the explanation is, frankly. Plus, my sister would never do something so undignified.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
I'm no believer in the "biological clock" thing, personally having no use for it. However, window treatments ARE an important part of life.
Neither do I believe in anyone being dragged helplessly into love with anyone against their will and good judgement. These are only attempts to negate personal responsibility a la' I'm a helpless, hapless victim! Some independent, undefined force made me love him and I had no say in the matter! Hogwash. Bovine pile.
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A
female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Oh, q-you old buzzard, you're baiting me! I don't know if I shall manage to successfully resis, but rest assured, I'm trying...trying...argh! the temptation!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Oh, q-you old buzzard, you're baiting me! I don't know if I shall manage to successfully resist taking the bait, but rest assured, I'm trying...trying...argh! the temptation!
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (2 June 2010):
Daaamn! Now THAT is a rant if I ever I saw one! Fem. anon: I hope that was therapeutic for you since it comes across as a quasi-therapy spew. Which is not to say that I disagree with your bullet points. Just an observation. Notwithstanding, there IS wisdom in the archaic saying: when the horse is dead, get off.
This particular thread has obviously struck a few nerves. I find this curious in that it suggests that this subject could possibly be more prevalent than I had originally thought.
All human frailty and other assorted lock-step, hedonist liberal rhetoric aside, the OP has detailed for us that she is a woman with an established history of ethical and socially acceptable conduct as well as capable of a significant lapse of judgement, we know this due to her posts, after all, words mean things! That's the long and short of it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): "I do realize though that Dan is suffering as well"Right!???Suffering from what? Guilt, Hell noBetraying his brother? Hell NoA conscious? Hell NoPoor, poor Dan, imagine his suffering . Now compound this a million times for the hurt, the betrayl, devastation, pain, suffering, humiliation (the list goes on) your darling husband will be going through.Your sympathy for Dan, your lover, is unjustified. Your sympathy is misguided.Your sympathy is unfounded.You make it seem like Dan is a victim. HE IS NOT. He is a usurper, he is a violator, he is a betrayer, he is unworthy of the time and effort you have invested in him. Instead of investing in your husbands brother try investing in your husband instead. You just do not get all this, do you?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 June 2010):
I don't think you will be able to keep this a secret from your husband forever. Especially since you have piss poor judgement after you toss back a few. I think by fessing up you will be ultimately sparing him from the greater pain down the road when he finds out he's been deceived for years about your relationship. Sooner or later but inevitably the shit will hit the fan.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): Sorry, this is long!
Hey everyone, instead of a cat fight ensuring amongst all of us why not all of us (myself included) take a deep breath, have some tea and then ponder on the dynamics of the OPs mess.
OP, I am the 8itch who questioned you on inconsistencies and many other aspects. My post was the one about you planning the whole sex with the BIL, being premeditated. Having identified myself I have a few hard hitting comprehensive questions for you:
1. You claim to have remorse. So what. The deed is done. What now? So you do not want sympathy, you do not want judgement, you do not want empathy? You had a tad too much to drink (were you really drunk?) but look at the time difference. You only choice to have sex few hours later John went to work. During the night you were drunk, at day break drunk on the sexual anticipation!
2. Do you pretend that your marriage is still intact and still saveable from your actions or do you really have a moral obligation to confess to cheating and tell John you do not love him and you want out?
3. How is your self resolve – basically your decision to now become faithful again. How realistic is this? Picture the alcohol who works at a bar, how can he remain faithful to himself if he puts himself in a situation where he is weak?
4. If you really really care and love this man, your husband John , how do you pretend to want to still continue being his wife. Are you not CRUEL in your approach? You know you do not love him, you want his brother. When why for the love of God do you want to prolong this man’s agony. This is not love, this is torture. You are doing him no favours by being with you. If you think Dan is so much better when why the hell are you not his wife?
5. For how long have you been married? Can you really and honestly expect yourself to remain faithful to your husband? Women generally live for a long time, will you stray again? Be honest, if only to yourself.
6. This Dan character. To me (and i do not know him, obviously you will know better) he is nothing but a user, nothing but a F@ck- pardon my choice of word, but what brother deliberately /knowingly makes a play for his brothers wife, while his brother is in the next room. This man also knows no boundaries and he perhaps now feels entitled to F you as payment for staying in his home. I just do not know. Do you? This mans character is questionable and his morals, lets not go there. For a brother to deliberately take what is rightfully his brother’s means that this man has no blood in his veins. To Me, he displays traits of being a despicable person with no morals and respect for his brother. Brotherly love? Hell NO! So my question is, How do you now set boundaries with your BIL? Obviously you got away once, as you do it again and again and again, it will become so much easier to justify your actions. Can you see a pattern emerging? Can you honestly say that YOU WILL NEVER cross ANY FORM OF BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR BIL? No more flirting, no more looks, innuendos, no more hugs, no more acting on the sexual urges, no more Fing. What happens when you feel like having sex and John is not there. Do you hop into your BILs bed. Basically that it what it boils down to. Where did the first act of the crime happen? Your marital bed or Dan’s?
7. Do you want to destroy a family? Because this what you will do to Johns immediate family. If you choose to continue in the present manner this is exactly what you will do. Will those few minutes of sexual pleasure justify betraying and destroying a family unit? This is not about Dan and what he now wants to do. It is about YOU and the impact of your affair with Dan. Are you ready for the consequences.
8. Kids? How many? What happens if you fall pregnant with Dans seed. You will note I chose the word ‘evil” in my previous post. Hoodwink your hubby into believing this seed is his? Can you see the wicked web of lies and devastation unfolding? I am sure you did not use protection the last time. What now?
9. Your desire for sexual interaction with Dan? How can you now be intimate with John? Are you being fair to John? Are you being fair to your husband by “settling” for him.
10. You have depicted yourself as some sort of martyr. I say STOP with this fallacy. Do you have arrogance because from what you wrote, you have an air of arrogance stating that in spite of sleeping with your BIL your husband will not leave you. Please re visit yourself , your feelings and your justification. Whether true or not, You are being perceived as arrogant in that you cuckold your husband and you know he will stay with you. Your martyrdom , is anything but! Your choice of John as a husband was also because your child bearing days were almost numbered. Dan (still don’t really know what you see in him, really) never committed to you. Dan never bothered to make you part of his life. Basically Dan did not give a shit about you therefore you are not married to him. End of story. Dan was not man enough to make a commitment to you. Now after all these years, he wants his brothers wife. Come on, sing a different tune. You gave up your faithful status to a man who cared so little of you that he NEVER BOTHERED to make any sort of commitment to you. So now you were not good enough to be his legitimate partner but good enough to just have a F@ck?? Can you see where I am going with this? You were not good enough for a proper relationship but good enough for sex when his brothers back is turned? If you do not watch out soon you will be passed from brother to brother. Is this what your life really means to you. To be used by Dan when it tickles his fancy and then you go back to you husband? Is my theory so far fetched that you cannot comprehend that in all likelihood this is what will happen?
11. The Brothers. Dan has betrayed his brother and will continue to do so UNLESS you put a stop to it. The key to the way forward is You. You have the power to either make or break the bond. Your actions almost did. How do you go about salvaging this?
12. You and John staying with Dan at his house. Why can you not move away? Why are you both living with Dan? More importantly, when can you move out? Far far away from this man if you choose your husband.
13. You mending your marriage with John? Cheaters always make life so difficult, they justify, they promise, they abuse, they lie, they betray, they destroy and that is what is going to happen IF you allow it. If you cannot see yourself loving John the way a wife should then just end it. Simple, No Fuss. Keep it real. Keep it genuine. Then go on and be with whoever you want, even if it means this Dan. Yes then John will not be your concern anymore. Do not look back but get the hell out of his life so that he has a chance of making peace with your betrayal and he can move on. No drama. Just honest decisions.
14. Lets face it. You have also used John. You wanted a proper relationship, a proper partner, a chance at happiness. You wanted to be loved, cherished and valued. Who doesn’t and John gave this to you. You are lucky , some people grow old not having anyone love them, totally and completely. Some crave this love but die not having anyone love them. Have you considered just how blessed you are. Here is a man, John, who loved you enough, cherished you enough, RESPECTED you enough to make you his wife. Yet you have thrown it away for someone who cared nothing about you but only decided you were good enough to have sex with. This Dan person did not value you, did not respect you enough to make you his, legitimately. Have you ever , ever saw it like this. Maybe you are too close to your situation. You wrote about your history with Dan. No where did I read that Dan made any attempt to have you in his life. This speaks volumes. You look at Dan too lovey dovey, too much of misguided love and affection and lust. See him with different eyes. Critical eyes. If this man valued you from the start, if this man respected you from the start what stopped him from making a life with you. What stopped him from committing to you. What stopped him from making a home with you. He did not because he was not bothered to put in the effort. He was not bothered to invest time, love, affections, and his life with you. Plain and simple. In this illicit relationship this man, used his brothers wife to just appease his sexual release. This man has not invested his life with you, this man has invested NOTHING in you to make you a part of his life. This man invested nothing because you meant nothing to him. If you did he would have acted upon any deep feelings he had before you married John. What this man is , is an enigma to you . Would you rather be with a man who cared nothing about you by not acting to make you a part of his life VS a man who loved you enough , a man who persisted with his love, a man who loved, valued, worshipped you and FOUGHT for you and made a life for you, with you? Choices, darling, choices.
You may feel that I am now writing a drama production, perhaps too much of unnecessary details but just open your eyes. You are so blessed and so fortunate to have an honest man, love you for yourself yet you have chosen a despicable 8astard to waste your love, emotions, energy, life on. A man not worthy ?
I have so much to say to you. Yes even harsh things But in the end will all of it go over your head.? Would you even begin to understand my thinking process. Too many times I have heard people talking about love having to be this excitement, this great passion, this great knees shaking experience. Bull dust! What about a quiet love, a contented love. Listen to that quietness and listen to that warm quite feeling. This is also called love. Love doesn’t have to be this loud earthshattering experience but it can also be this quietness that people overlook . Does it mean that your love means anything less. NO!
If you choose to be faithful from now on, then good luck. If tempted print out the responses from here and read it from time to time as a deterrent from straying. If you choose to still be married to John then you owe it to him, to you and your lives to give it your all. You did not settle for second best and John is not second best (only in your eyes). John proved to be the better man than his brother. Why? Because he loved you enough to make you his partner in life. No mystery here. John invested in you. This Dan did not!
The only reason you have chosen not to be honest about your betrayal is just to protect yourself. Be honest. If you had so much of love, respect and devotion to your husband you would HAVE NEVER betrayed him . Simple! You had a choice and you choose to betray your marriage. Admit it. But that is done now, you cannot erase your betrayal. You now realise what you have done and there is no going back. If you are still going to sneak around playing every time your husband leaves the room then have the decency to get the hell out of Johns life. Then you are not worthy at all. Plain and Simple. You cannot have your husband and his brother at the same time. No matter how much you justify it, you cannot. Do not be a fool to think you will not be tempted to stray again. You will but if you go down that path again with dear Dan, then it is over. Then you are the woman we all assumed you to be- without morals, integrity, without backbone, without convictions. How your future pans out is up to you. You can continue to stoop so low again or you can make a decision to move forward and be content to be with a man who loves his so called faithful wife. Become the woman you want to be. Honest. Faithful. Have integrity. Have a conscious!
CHOICES! ACTIONS! CONSEQUENCES! And have the moral convictions to learn to do the right thing. This is a lesson to us all and I pray that we keep this in mind when we execute our action plan for our lives.
In whatever you decide, whether to keep secrets or not, whether to be faithful or not, end the marriage or not, learn to be HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
Good Luck OP, I have not walked in your shoes because I made a choice to be faithful to my husband. Make Peace with your decisions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQ, I can understand your intrigue with fem anon, however, I am not her. To answer your question, I will not allow BIL and I to be alone again. He has brought home liquor a couple of times since and I do not partake. I'd like to think that I'd act differently regardless, but I'm not willing to take the chance.
Rescuer, I do plan on moving out. Because of some changes occurring right now, it won't happen for a couple of months unfortunately. However, I'm going on a couple of trips during that time and I think I can control myself for the time I am home; after all, the wound is still fresh and I'm still rather put off by it.
Mia, the Prisoner's Dilemma was always a favorite for me. I agree with you. I do trust that Dan (Dean) will not confess before me; after all, it is his best friend and brother. I am beginning to think I should confess. I cannot deny that it is difficult since I care about both brothers. I do not want to ruin their relationship; I would rather leave and keep quiet than hurt the both of them. I love them both - in different ways, yes - but I love them both dearly. I do realize though that Dan is suffering as well; if I can set him free of this, I will; in actuality, I think it would help us both.
Thank you all again. I'll be out of touch for about 10 days, but I will post an update.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 June 2010):
"Sorry. Sometimes a question takes on a life of it's own beyond what the original poster is asking. It's starts becoming a brawl between the people answering and we miss answering the posters original question." (Q1605)
Sorry, dear poster, don't like the amount of bullying going on in this post, as if all these people have never made a mistake or a sin.
Anyway, you know I want you to tell John, I believe he's as great as you say and he will understand, forgive and it might make your marriage stronger if you decide to stay.
Hard to say if you can get away with not telling him... Brother Dean is the wild card, and like you he will be suffering and wondering what he should do or say.
It's the prisioner's delimea... Either you both keep it secret, or the first one to tell is the one to get praise, the last one to tell will look like a criminal and be hung drawn and quartered.
You need to get you story straight with Dean... but life is long, can you trust him to keep this secret to his grave?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (2 June 2010):
Oh dear, I'm immoral because I accept human frailty and mistakes... ah well, you all are perfect, so that means everything evens out in the end. Thanks BunnyTee for reminding me that I'm more immoral than the writer of this story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay. As a clarification Q, I am not here so you can tell me it's wrong. I know that. I'm pretty sure that everyone here agrees that it was completely wrong.
Now, if I had posted a question asking whether or not I SHOULD have sex with my brother-in-law before it happened, half of your posts would be relevant.
You do have good points and I welcome your frankness because I know that I deserve it. On the points that I don't agree on, I won't argue because you don't know me and are simply making the best judgment call you can with the information you've been given.
I'm not here for a pity party. I am here because I have no one that I can talk to about my original question (which is, in case you missed it, "Can I keep what happened with my BIL from my husband"). I don't want to tell John because, yes, I am so ashamed and I want to save myself, but that isn't the main reason I am conflicted.
I know that I already did, but I don't want to hurt him. I know I could have prevented all of this. Fine. I agree, but guess what, I completely F'd up and didn't prevent it. If I could go back, I would. My point is, I don't know if in the long run it is worth hurting him. I really don't.
Years ago I heard that if you cheated and you know you won't do it again and you're truly remorseful, then telling the partner would only do more harm; that the confession only helps the cheater feel better.
I've never posted on here before and I've never been on the site prior to a few days ago. I honestly just wanted help. If it comes across as me wanting attention, then I apologize. I get on here a lot because I'm still trying to work it out and it's my only place to get it out; to think.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me; I don't see how anyone could. I just want to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I don't know where else to go.
I would like to sincerely thank everyone that has posted with advice and none of it has been taken lightly. It really, really means a lot.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (1 June 2010):
Poster has said over and over again how she loves Dan and how she only stays with John because he loves her so so much and can't be with out her why not spare poor John and tell him the truth.
I think its harder when you cheat the first time, they already cheated so in reality there are no guaranteed they won't do it again since she keeps on repeating how much she loves Dan.
Can I see the remorse no I can only see a female so proud to have two men wrap around her little fingers. True remorse would be coming out clean and letting John know the truth. He has the right to know, and it would be his call to continue or not in the relationship.
Poster I hope you make the right decision I don't applaud your actions and if your truly remorse than do the right thing. I once again wish you luck and hope you do have a conscious.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (1 June 2010):
This poor lady. Just think. Once she drinks a little too much- and she ends up marrying someone she had never remotely intended to marry .Another time,she drinks a little too much -and she ends up going to bed with her husband's brother.
I am so grateful that the only time I really got drunk i all it happened was that I sang "You're so vain " at the top of my voice in a karaoke bar.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (1 June 2010):
Oh c'mon, raiders. *I'm* the one with the it's -all-black-and white one end of the spectrum or another disposition. She can have true remorse without disemboweling her husband! This is a tough one which is why I say mitigating circumstance worthy of consideration. No, it's not right. Not on ANY level, but there are only the lesser of two evils here. I disagree that the OP should further compound the atrocity and rip John's guts out. Dan, who cares, he's a lout. Remorse issues from within and is greater than the sum of it's parts. Remorse isn't predicated upon admission. Though I concede that it may be part of the process. Mitigating circumstance!
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (1 June 2010):
If she was truly remorseful than she would tell her husband the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): I just feel bad for your husband, he married someone he thought was trustworthy and she was a liar, I hope he can trust again.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (1 June 2010):
Normally, yes, but I earnestly believe the poor guy doesn't deserve being saddled with such heinous news of events....usually I'm the first one in line to insist upon full disclosure at all costs, but in the OP's case, I believe there may be justifiable cause due to mitigating circumstance, namely she's not the garden variety bimbo running around posting about why she doesn't understand how come no one's totally ecstatic over her finally bedding someone not her husband. I think she may be a true exception, guilty of a really big mistake sans malice. This is an extraordinary case involving an OP who is quite obviously an intelligent woman attempting to deal with what she knows is a horrible lapse of judgement. I move for forgiveness on the grounds that the OP is a thinking woman not a silly nit wit seeking false absolution. I believe her. There, I've said it, now please, Poster make me proud!
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 June 2010):
I only hope he finds a door, window, fire escape, chimney.....
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (1 June 2010):
Never one to disappoint, q has wrapped this up nicely for us: the OP did it, she knows, she sees it, and while q has no further belief that the OP will learn from her misdeeds, we may all happily move on and be assured that the rest of us with a functioning moral compass shall, all whilst staying off the damn rubber mat...thingy..thing..kid whacker thing..whatever.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): my dear Q, you would have noticed that I was silent as you went about crucifying me when in fact I was applauding YOU, Raiders, LazyGuy and the fellow aunts, to have had the ability to see this as realistically as one could. If I did not have such a thick skin I would have taken offence, but I am a big girl so I can handle your tirade of insults. But thanks for the apology, I was waiting to see how much more insults you could throw my way before realising you were initially wrong about my words. Big hug from me. It's been a while since you "attacked" me for posting Anon. Take Care Q. You are just a big bear with no bite.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (1 June 2010):
Oh certainly, Miamine, like who has any use for anything as insignificantly insipid as morals or a code of conduct? At least the OP has the decency to evaluate and recognize the fact that she has done something worthy of re evaluation..which speaks significantly better of her than to say, a completely amoral person.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (1 June 2010):
You keep on trying to paint this pretty picture of your cheating. I have to disagree with the previous post...I think if John new from the beginning that you had feelings for Dan I think at least for self respect for himself would have walked away. You showed him and told him that you cared and loved him, so in other words he got tricked into marriage.
If Dan really loved you he would have fought for you, so in reality he don't have feelings for you, he just used you for the sex. If he truly had feelings for you he would have came out in the open and fought for you but instead he took advantage that you have feelings for him and used you.
I feel you give yourself to much credit and live in this fantasy world, thinking that your hubby John will not split once he finds out of your cheating ways. If you are so sure of the outcome than why don't you tell him the truth. You don't tell him because he might cast you out, and I think he might forgive his brother way before he forgives you because he is at least family.
You choice to keep him away from the light and will continue to lie, well I hope Dan has a little more love for his brother and tells him the truth. I really think John should be happy and should find someone that will truly love him.
Poster please don't fool yourself and think that John can't live without you, if he just knew what kind of a person he has for a wife. He has been fooled and will continue to live hidden from the truth because you are being selfish. I still wish you luck and really hope you stop screwing your brother-n-law.Good Luck.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 June 2010):
PS: What do we do about Dean.. talk to John first, do not lie to him, your friendship and marriage was never built on lies.. See what John says.
Then go talk to Dean.. either you keep things secret, and you both agree to protect John's pride... Or you decide that love is greater, you need to be together, at this point, together you need to explain things to John.
So sorry babes, so sorry for all of you, and the way the heart makes us all fools.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 June 2010):
Hey Babes, I don't deal in who is the most moral, and I aint wearing no angel wings and halo... Lucky for me, I know all kinds of stuff in life happen, so when I make a mistake and fall down, I never look like a hypocrite.
Ok, so I was wrong.. you is all innocent.. you, Dean (nicer name than Dan) and me good guy John, didn't know what hit you, stuff kind of happened. I can go along with that one.
Innocence and guilt? Well we are not actually here to do that, this is an advice line set up to help people with relationship problems, we are not supposed to be the moral police or the judge and jury.
Anyway's.. you and Dean are innocent of not knowing your feelings before. John still comes out as a bad guy. You didn't love him, you didn't want him, and he wanted you and was willing to accept you anyway you came to him.
Oh dear, still a mess. Anyway, John loves you, he's also your closest buddy. He knows you married without love but with tons of affection and respect. I still say go to him, tell him what you done. You sound sincere and honest, and you sound so sad. Go to your buddy and explain the situation. Tell him about this other man that you love, and how you was tempted, and made this big mistake over a couple of glasses of alcohol. Hear what he has to say?
Only one thing though.. DO NOT TELL HIM THE NAME OF THE MAN.. DO NOT TELL HIM THAT IT IS HIS BROTHER!!!!
Too much information for John I feel. John is your freind. You are upset and needing help, that's what good friends are for, go and talk to him, ask him to help you decide what to do. I trust John, he loves you enough to put your happiness first, help will help you to decide the right thing to do.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (1 June 2010):
Poster: I don't accuse you of premeditated, wholesale, moral slaughter, however, it does run a close second; but I do maintain that you're guilty of excessively poor judgement in committing adultery with your BIL. Alcohol or not, it is still your responsibility.
I personally am no believer in anyone being dragged, helplessly into love with someone as in "it's not my fault, I just sorta fell into it" We are all masters/mistresses of our own paths. You're no victim in this, but rather a victimizer. Unbeknownst to John. I think it's best he should remain clueless. A rare departure from a core value due only to profound mitigating circumstances in your case, the lesser of two evils, perhaps.
You are correct in that it would serve no purpose to post here, seeking feedback for disingenuous reasons.
I am a consistent advocate of putting an abrupt end to deceit, and never do I condone perpetuating same. Having made that declaration, I am forced to admit that I have no good resolution to offer you on that point since I don't believe your husband, John, should be forced to bear this sack of rocks with you.
A Catch-22 of the first order.
Dan is a scoundrel of the highest order, I think. One of you could've just said no and walked away.
You still strike me as mindful and situationally aware, unfortunately you abdicated all good rationale and judgement far too late. I only hope that you'll clean this dreadful mess up as quickly as possible and never repeat the behavior in any way, ever again. If are genuinely as thoughtful as you indicate then I am satisfied that you'll "go your way and sin no more"
This is one helluva thing to have on heart. Best of luck going forward. Please be a good woman to John, whether he knows it or not, he deserves it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is long, so I apologize.
For those of you who feel as if this was premeditated, you are completely and utterly incorrect.
On one hand, I did have thoughts cross my mind occasionally about being with Dan. This alone is adultery. I know that. It wasn't something that happened of my own free will and accord. It came from my subconscious. I couldn't help it and did not focus on them. I would immediately expel it from my mind and proceed to feeling terrible. I honestly never fantasized about him; the initial thought alone was enough to make me feel sick.
On the other hand, Dan and I have been friends for years. We have been alone together countless times, even before John and I were dating. Even in these times alone we were not flirtatious or inappropriate with one another in any way; we were almost always drinking during these times. Just as nothing happened, I had no desire for something to happen in the moment. I had chosen my path and decided to stick with it.
I have no reason to lie about anything on here. The whole point of posting anonymously is so that I can be open and honest and get some honest responses. If I weren't being honest, there would be zero point in me posting at all. I am honest with myself, to the full extent I think anyone can be, but because I am open-minded enough to hear other points of view and catch something I might be subconsciously avoiding, I posted this.
I did delude myself into thinking that I could be with John. That is true. Keep in mind that for years he pined over me and held on to me despite my relationships with other men and my assurance that I did not love him in that way. I did my best not to lead him on.
After so long, my choices were to either lose my best friend or be with him. It was killing him to have me there by his side, platonically. In hindsight, I shouldn't have gotten with him in the first place - but please keep in mind that I fought it for years. We had been in multiple fights about our friendship and he refused to let it go.
Because I cared about his feelings and because we were so close, it seemed logical for me to try to be with him. I did love him - for the wonderful person he was - but I was not in love with him. Once we got together he was on cloud nine. Our friends and his family rejoiced. There were so many people that were just as excited as he was and I got caught up in the ideal world around me. I wanted to believe that could be in love with him and that I could spare his feelings and everyone else involved. It truly seemed like a good plan.
Even when I saw Dan after John and I started dating I was able to convince myself that I didn't love Dan and that John was the man I wanted. I didn't TRY to convince myself, I actually did.
It was only after the honeymoon period had dissipated that I began to realize that I was not in the fairytale I so desperately wanted to be in.
While John and I were just friends, I lost several friends because they were so angry that I was hurting John by not being with him. Everyone said that we were perfect for each other. They said we had the same sense of humor, interests, personalities and so on and so forth (this is all true). Even when I said that I wasn't in love with him, everyone said that if I let him in my heart, over time, I would be. They said I was stupid for letting him slip past me. They said that I could fall in love with a complete jerk or be happy with a man that truly loves me. There really was a lot of anguish involved with having John in my life as a friend.
I'm sure some of you will say, "well why didn't you tell them and John that you were in love with Dan?" Well in hindsight, that is exactly what I would have done. But during that time I didn't realize that I was in love with Dan. As I said, prior to the other night, we had no close encounters; we never opened up to each other in anyway. I knew I had feelings for him, but I didn't acknowledge them in that way. I pushed them aside because I knew that, with him, there would be no happy ending.
Over time, I truly fell in love with him. That isn't my fault. I didn't want to. If I could choose, I would love John just as he loves me (just as I love Dan). John is the better person, John is the one that loves me, John is seriously one of the most wonderful people in the world. He is my best friend. I want to be in love with him. But just as I couldn't make John fall out of love with me, how can I make myself fall out of love with Dan? I didn't ask to love him and I didn't ask for John to love me. People cannot help who they fall in love with.
They can help who they sleep with. I should have. If I could take it back, I would have. In the moment (and under the influence of alcohol), I made a horrible judgment call. There was no time for me to stop and think about what was happening.
In the beginning of my post, when I wrote about being faithful and about honesty, that was not to expunge me from blame. I wrote about it because, if you knew me, that is what I am all about. It is, and I know it sounds like BS. If you ask anyone that knows me, I am all about integrity and being genuine and ethics.
But I guess in the past when I was so high and mighty telling everyone what is right and what is wrong, I should have listened when they said not to judge until you are in someone else's shoes. I've been blindsided by this. I'm disgusted and appalled with myself. As I said before, there is nothing that you can tell me that I haven't already thought.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 June 2010):
Hope I don't get whipped and hung as an immoral witch/bitch (choose your insult) but I see things differently.
Woman basically married the wrong brother. She knows that, her husband knows that and the brother knows that. That's why this is a mess.. It's not quick sex with the brother, she loved him all along, and then went a married the wrong one.
Her husband knows how she feels, he knew all along. But he's the one who wanted her enough to fight for her. Dean may love her, but not enough, he loves his brother more, and stood aside and let the man steal her and make her his wife..
That's why this is such a mess, they both love the same woman, and unfortunately, she loves them both in her own way.
I'd go with asking dean if he loves you, then both of you tell his brother, and make arrangements to move out and stop this messing about. You don't love John in the right way, you never did, and you shouldn't have married him.. Dean aint going nowhere, and you will get tempted again. So either you try to be with the man you love, or get rid of them both, and start afresh.
This is a bloody mess, and I blame you, your husband and his brother, none of you are innocent in this game of broken hearts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): You don't want to tell your husband because you are protecting yourself, not him. What you did is disgusting and vile. You don't deserve your husband. Tell him so he can move on and find a REAL woman.
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female
reader, BunnyTee +, writes (31 May 2010):
Wow. Female anonymous has gone and field-dressed you out, Poster.
I am forced to admit that anon.'s view is quite accurate.
So now that you've experienced on-going castigation and just shy of a public whipping, all you're missing is the scarlet letter A. I think you've obtained a reasonable facsimile, herein.
Frankly, I have no faith that it shall serve as a future deterrent.
The fact that there begins to grow animosity between you and Dan is no justification of your actions but merely a very predictable by-product. It shall likely take on a life of it's own, saddling you with further baggage that will become increasingly difficult to conceal. You've set the proverbial snowball effect into motion. Here's where the wages of your actions come about-one really big, very hairy, nasty snowball begins to run your ass over. It's mere cause and effect.
This is a reprehensible thing that you've done-I think you were aware of that from the outset.
But public castigation will serve as no absolution no matter it's intensity.
You must carry this millstone around your neck along with your well-earned scarlet letter. Dan, I completely disregard as utterly worthy of no notice, for reasons I believe require no mentioning beyond that his own actions speak very well to the depth of his character.
At the risk of sanctimonious pontificating: I maintain that we, none of us, are without responsibility in having led guileless lives without at least one almighty *huge* dirty deed, still hanging around in the dark recesses of our personal conduct closets. Your's ranks right up there among the top three upon the unforgivable list. For me, personally, this alone would serve as adequate deterrent before the fact.
I urge you to consider that this forum can in no way serve as proxy for absolving yourself of the heinously foul thing you've done. I believe that any person of true moral character will more than adequately inflict punishment(as well as restraint) upon themselves, having done what you've done.
If you're among those who gleefully frolic without thought or sense of personal responsibility, devil-take-the-hindmost, then you are doomed to lead the rest of your life tripping over your own messes and none of us can you help you. Because there is no hope for you.
Let this be a lesson to you as well as providing you with a means to govern your future behavior as a decent, responsible woman whose main interest lies within governing herself and the way in which she impacts others lives in a manner that allows for a clear conscience.
If you choose to continue making such egregious choices as you've detailed, then rest assured it shall catch up with you in this life..or the next...as I agree: KARMA is a brutal bitch.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): This reminds me of an alcoholic that gets a job as a bartender and is surprised when she gets drunk.I don't need to write long explanation on this one.
How long is this lie going to last? Sounds like a life sentence of guilt
What you lack is good judgment.There are obviously deeper issues here.
lust, alcohol, living with two men that your attracted to. What did you expect? I couldn't resist that temptation no way.I would have given too. Actually I wouldn't put myself in that situation to start with.I think you should leave the brothers and find someone else.live and learn
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female
reader, Accountable +, writes (30 May 2010):
 I think you should tell John.
I completely understand you not wanting to hurt him by forcing him to face this, but isnt that what got you into this mess in the first place? From what Ive read, it seems you only really married him because you felt he was hurt by your non-mutual feelings for him - so you pretended to feel the same kind of passionate love for him that he felt for you, but that you in fact felt for his brother. I realise you feel certain that he won't leave you even if you tell him, and will then just feel depressed, but I think this is one of those things where you won't find out til it happens. If you tell him, make all of these points very clear - you never gave him the love and commitment that he, as a perfectly decent and giving guy (from the sounds of it), deserves. I don't want to accuse you of deliberately trapping him in a marriage where the love only flows in one direction, because I have no doubt that you did not do this maliciously, but it seems to be what has happened. There is a difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone. And he deserves better, to be frank. If anything it seems almost arrogant for you to assume that he will stay with you, despite this massive betrayal. My personal stance is that you are playing the role of the conscientious martyr by claiming you will carry this guilt silently, for his own good - but really, wouldnt it be better for him if he were allowed to make his own choice, with complete knowledge of the situation he's in?
As far as I'm concerned, your efforts to protect him by hididng this from him are what will ultimately destroy him. I don't see how you can continue to fantasise that you will be able to keep up the act of loving and faithful wife for the rest of your lives, when you know you are not truly in love with him and you have already acted accordingly. You're right, the backstory was necessary - again I want to stress that I don't think you acted deliberately or maliciously. But thats kind of the point, isnt it? If you were already in the right marriage, you wouldnt have cheated - you just don't seem like the sort of person who would do that, if in a fulfilled relationship. Something is missing, and this problem will continue to present itself. I suppose I am just appealing to you to save both yourself and your husband from years more of this charade - I don't doubt for a second that you love him as a friend, but there is a vast difference between that love, and the love which will sustain a marriage.
I honestly hope you manage to find some way of dealing with this situation, with minimal hurt to everyone involved - just remember inflicting short term hurt is sometimes worth it, to avoid more damaging events in the future. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): I read and re read the OP story and all the responses. What a pickle you got yourself into. A pickle that you craved at the expense of your morals and marriage! You wrote a fairy tale turned horror story. What now. You seem logical, of sane mind YET you deliberately and knowingly and purposefully cuckold your husband while he is asleep in the same house. What a loving wife you are! This just did not happen. It was planned. Planned you say. Yes, planned, By both Dan and you. You see the looks, the flirting, the body contact, the what ifs – all played out and panned out exactly how you wanted it to. This was no mistake. Your cheating was always on your mind. Now that you have executed the sex you are suddenly so remorseful , suddenly so livid with yourself. You say you were celebrating with Dan while John, your husband was sleeping. You flirted, you gave him the cum on and so forth. But hey, what happened to the time lapse? You only started f@cking your husband’s brother after your husband left for work. Wow, so much for premeditation. Have the other aunts also managed to unpack the timing of the sexual act. John went to sleep early and much much later only when John went to work did the OP have sex with her brother in law! This shows that the sexual act was planned and not mere coincidence.
You are full of contradictions and I think I have caught you out. You may have hoodwinked the other aunts who believe you are honest (?) and sincere and even remorseful. This is a load of crap. One blatant lie is this:
“I have never been unfaithful to anyone - ever.” – You have ALWAYS been unfaithful. Right from the very start. You see you have always wanted your husbands brother ever since you have known him. You may not have been having sex with Dan from the start but you have been cheating. You have been comparing and you think you are better than your husband. No matter how convincingly you write, you know that your hb will not kick your cheating ass to the curb. You see it is this knowledge that makes you behave so irresponsibly and so “sluttish” to Dan. Don’t be too sure of this though. One day your good, faithful hb will get to see the real you and he will be disgusted at what he married.
You have now convinced yourself that if John was made aware that his wife is Fing his brother he will be distraught. THIS IS CRAP. More like bullshit! The only reason you do not want to tell your hb that you have been doing it with his brother is to save face and continue to be pretentious and continue this farce of a marriage. You lies will only compound each other. Your loving wife attitude will be stretched. Your hb will barely be out of the door when you will open your legs to his brother all over again. I am not being crude but merely being realistic with your adultery. Now once you have started you will not stop. You see you got away with your brother in law’s semen running down your legs once, so doing it again will not be a problem for you. My choice of words are crude, yes , but it is meant to show you the true extent of what you have done but I am sure you are not put off by my choice of words because it is only the truth.
What now? You pretend you did not want to have sex again with your husband’s brother? What about good old Dan. He is getting it from his brothers wife. How do both you and Dan pretend that you have not done the most despicable thing on earth. Betraying a man who doesn’t deserve you two in his life. Betraying a man who trusts you two. Betraying a man who is slowly being destroyed by the very 2 people who claim to love him. Both you and Dan crossed Boundaries knowingly. It was a well thought out betrayal.
I am astounding by you claiming not to want to hurt your husband. Look at yourself in the mirror. Can you recognise that person staring back at you. Where was your love, your respect, your guilt, your thoughts as you were Fing his brother. I just do not buy your remorse. One person spoke about a get out of jail free card. This is exactly what you are trying to do. You are in denial and you have no idea the exact extent of your betrayal. You planned on having sex with Dan. Plain and Simple. If you cannot be honest with us, have some self respect for yourself and admit it to yourself.
This post has made me really angry. You may wonder why. For someone who claims to love her husband you sure have a strange and deceitful way of proving it. Now you decide that for Johns own good he will never know that you are getting it on with his brother. Cheaters are so selfish. And you just prove my point. You do not want this good man but you refuse to release him to find a decent woman who will love him unconditionally. For his own good you say? How about for your and Dans own good. For Dan and you to sneak around your husbands back yet again. Where does this all end? When you fall pregnant with Dan ‘evil’ seed. I use that horrible word evil because from what you write you will not think twice to pass off Dans seed as Johns. Am I right?
I can write an essay about how you have premeditated intention to cheat on your husband. I can write an essay why you do not deserve this good man John. I can also write an essay why Dan should burn in hell. But all the essays in the world cannot and will not make a difference to you. Why? Because you did what you wanted to do knowingly, purposefully and indiscriminately. If this was a court of law all the fact would have been taken into account -legality, conduct, unlawfulness and culpability. All 4 elements will be proven and you would have been convicted of committing a crime. But since you are not tried in a court of law only one thing should be questioned. Do you have a conscious? If you do then use it to make right. If morals, a conscious, dignity and marital fidelity mean anything to you only your actions can prove this.
To Q, LazyGuy, Raiders and the like you know how this is going to end. I just hope that John let KARMA run its course. I firmly believe that good guys can and will win in the end, no matter how many Dan’s and loving wives there are. It is called JUSTICE and called LIFE! You can only fool some of the people some of the time........Actions have consequences and one day the cuckold husband will find out......
To the OP, I wish you decide to remain a faithful wife from now on. If not, KARMA is a bitch.
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reader, raiders +, writes (30 May 2010):
Hard Situation I just hope that your husband can get through this and move on...he does deserve to find someone that will truly loves him. I applaud you if you do decide to let him go because then he can go and find happiness with someone who will really love him.
Good Luck and I hope you find the happiness you are looking for and even if its not with Dan I still wish you luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBunny Tee, you are correct... John has never done a single thing in his entire life - let alone his time with me - to deserve or bring about what I did. He honestly is one of the most wonderful people I have ever known.
Dan isn't... then again... neither am I. I used to think I was pretty decent, but now I disgust myself. I cannot get it out of my mind. I can't eat, I can't sleep... My stomach is twisted in knots.
John has no idea. I act normal when he is around. I don't see Dan. I get the feeling that he feels just as bad as I do. There is almost a sense of animosity between us now. I am livid that he would do that to his brother... but isn't that the pot and the kettle? I'm sure he feels the same way about me.
I understand why some of you are so mad and direct with your responses. I deserve it. There is nothing you can tell me that I don't already think and feel.
I'm not going to leave John and I'm not going to break his heart by telling him. I wish I could tell him. To be honest, I'd rather he left me so he could find someone that deserves him and I could have this weight lifted from my shoulders. I know he won't leave and despite what many of you say, he doesn't deserve the pain that comes with knowing. It's hard for me to live with it and I cannot imagine the amount of pain and betrayal he would feel. I couldn't do that to him. Not only would it break his heart, but his spirit; and that is what sets him a part from most people.
Thank you for all of your comments. Each helps in its own way.
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reader, raiders +, writes (28 May 2010):
You and your brother in law decided to sleep together and cheat on John, so you both have deceived him once, now you two want to stay quiet about the whole cheating and lie to him again.
Poor John it seems he has always had the loosing end and will never win, because you have always loved his brother, wanted to be with his brother,and finally slept with his brother, I hope Dan was worth it.
All these years you have fantasize about life with Dan and I guess you got a taste of it, but in reality if you truly wanted to make your marriage work this wouldn't of happened. Why not spare John from this deception and part ways. Who knows maybe one day you and your true love Dan can be together, and I find it very annoying and disrespectful to what you two have done to John. Cheating is not acceptable but what makes it worst is this was between brothers.
If you have a conscious than don't lie, don't deceive your husband anymore. I think he might even have a feeling but he is choosing not to display any emotions towards it. Even if John begs you not to leave him I think that would be the best thing to do. Than he can move on, find someone that will love him for him, he than can be someones else true and only love.
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reader, BunnyTee +, writes (28 May 2010):
Your post struck me as sincere, thoughtful and genuine. I could almost feel the deep remorse. I say "almost" because I was just about to make an isolated exception to my usual position that your behavior is totally unacceptable on any level.
Right up to the point whereupon you listed reason after good reason as to why you should have never committed the treasonous act you've committed against all that is trust, honesty, and allegedly sacred.
You're quite obviously aware of who you have betrayed and deeply injured, this leads me to believe that this is no epiphany and you were well aware of these facts before having done the deed. Why were these of no mitigating consequence *before* hopping into the sack with Mr. Wonderful?
You sound to me like someone who is hoping to hear "keep your yap shut"
I see nothing that says to me that your husband has in any way invited your behavior. How does he deserve this from you? So he's not his brother...he never was.
I also see no reason why you should unburden yourself at someone else's cost. Namely, the poor soul you're married to. Ripping your husband's heart out twice over-i for your conduct another over his brother. Mein Gott!, woman.
If you are unable to bear the consequences of your actions upon your conscience, I suggest you go seek an appropriate and fitting venue by which you may confess yourself and seek absolution. Go to Confession, or whatever it is that you embrace. And spare this poor man the horror. Don't drag this man you've victimized into your chosen hell. Otherwise bear this upon your conscience alone, suffer through it, alone. Then "go your way and sin no more" Try putting yourself into being a decent woman to your husband and stay out of his brother's bed!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): The most honourable thing you can do is end your marriage and leave their relationship as brothers in tact. That way you are not asking Dan to lie on your account and you are no longer tortured by not telling John. You left because it was an impossible situation .... and to be honest it is.
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reader, boo22 +, writes (28 May 2010):
 This happened to a close friend of mine and her husband is still none the wiser so there's definitely hope for you so keep absolutely quiet and you'll be ok
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reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (28 May 2010):
 IF you're sincere about this whole thing - move out and cut contact with Dan to the extent possible.
While I've found MFM 3-somes to be very enjoyable, they are not recommended where there are emotions involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Thank you so much for your responses. Polite or direct, I need to hear it all.
I am sure that it seems unlikely that it will never happen again to most people - I understand. If I can do it the first time, why not a second? I get that. After all, I never thought that it would have happened the first time. I do, however, mean what I said wholeheartedly.
I need a plan. For one, we can't live together anymore. Period. Next, I need to really cut off contact with Dan and work on strengthening my relationship with John.
As far as telling him, I agree with everyone's point of view, but I'm still not sure what would be best for my situation. I do know that I don't deserve John. To be honest with you, I've always known that.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Gosh, what a load of "justification" for cheating on your husband.
And you spell justification B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
"I think that trust and honesty are two of the most important things in a successful relationship"
Honesty? Honesty is telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Not just the bits that you want because it is easier on you.
Dress it up all you want, you spend hours flirting while your husband sleeping in the next room and then the moment he left, fucked his brother.
And now you want a get out of jail free card by dressing it up by betraying his trust and lying about it is for his benefit. How does he benefit from living with two people who betrayed him?
If you are really that worried about it, you wouldn't have done it. So I think your claim it won't happen again is also bullshit, because you swore to god on your wedding day that this would not happen as well remember?
So, if you already broke such a promise once, why should this promise hold up?
Just tell the truth and accept the consequences of your actions as an adult.
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reader, Honest Answer +, writes (28 May 2010):
 I think that this is something that you need to take to your grave. The only inocent one here is John. What you and Dan did (reguardless of the reasons) in discovered would tear this family apart. Even if John says he forgives you and Dan, there will always be resentment. This is so much worse than you cheating with John's best friend. They are blood.
The first thing you need to do is move out of the house you are sharing (your husband needs to move with you). You all can still be friends, but under no circumstance do you need to be alone with Dan for any reason (especially under the influence of alchohol). If seems that you make really bad decisions when you are drinking. 1. You started a relationship with the wrong brother. 2. You cheated on you husband.
I know it seems that I am coming down on you hard but you did ask for an honest answer. I put more blame on Dan than I do you (he should have never done this to his brother). But you should have known better.
Under no circumstance should you ever tell John. The only reason to let him know about your infedility would be to clear your conscience. And frankly, you don't deserve relief.
I really do wish you the best of luck. I will not judge you. And for the record, I am glad that you have a conscience. You wouldn't have written if you didn't.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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reader, ChristineAvril +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Polyamory seems to be the answer to your problem.
Google it, discuss it and see if it could work for you....
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Step one, I think would be to move out and not live with Dan and therefore not put yourself or him in a compromising position again.
It really sucks that you're stuck in this kind of situation and I would advise you to not tell John and NEVER, NEVER let this happen again, if you plan to stay with John. Telling him would probably destroy all of you and for what? I get that honesty is important but it's not really going to override the fact that you cheated on him. The only thing to be gained from confessing is that you'd feel a little less guilty but it would not save your marriage and John would lose his trust in you AND Dan.
Good Luck. I hope that helped a little.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): I won't condone this.
Your hubby the poor guy did nothing but adores and loves you.
You married him.
Now you cheated on him and very likely jeopardizes his relationship with his own brother.
One thing about being a grown up is being able to control your impulse. What you did can ruin the lives of two people. Now you are thinking of further deception. *Shake head*
If this were a man posting and talking about his devoted loving wife and how he slept with the sister-in-law, my reaction would be the same.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): What a predicament...sorry for you! How can you guarantee it will never happen again as you and Dan are and have been so attracted to each other? You crossed that boundary and now it is easier to do it again given the right circumstances. If you want to remain married to John then you really need to go for him 100 percent and let Dan go.It's just not fair to poor innocent John. However I wonder if you will be able to. Living with Dan is also not helping at all, not a healthy situation. I am sure John can sense the sexual tension between you and Dan and he is just in denial.
You should ask yourself what if the situation was reversed? You and John living with your sister and they slept together and loved eachother so much secretly...what would you want John to do? Good luck honey!
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