A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Can I ever find happiness in a relationship, when my feelings always seem to dig me into a quagmire? Is there anything wrong with me for always getting stuck with guys who are not marriage material? I am 28 already and my last boyfriend was an alcoholic, verbally abusive and had no job skills. I still talk to him too. I also talk to two other ex-boyfriends, one of whom didn't want to marry me and told me that from the very beginning.I did date one nice guy, but I was testing the waters too much and ended up ruining the relationship. This is the other one I still sometimes trade emails with. I still ask him for forgiveness. It could be that I try to go too fast to achieve what I want and just end up going even slower. Please tell me I am not the only person out there who is completely incompetent in this area.I must mention that I did learn a lot from my experiences. Enough to not sweat the alcoholic guy too much, but I am thinking a lot about the nice ex as well as the recent alcoholic one (who keeps promising to reform) and its making my head spin.Help! I could use some good advice.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 The two posters have already given you a lot of good advice. I will add my grain of salt. Don't sustain the contact with the guys who dumped you, particularly with the one who said, up front, that he wouldn't marry you. You are begging them for their attention, and that is so wrong. One of the things you need to keep in mind is that people who love you will come your way without your asking for forgiveness.
Take care and have the strength to change. Unlike the alcoholic, do change.
A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (3 August 2007):
 The alcoholic will only reform if he really wants to, and you are better off letting him get on with that alone.I think one thing we all seem to have in common on here is that we like helping people. My mum said to me the other day that needy guys are attracted to me because im strong. But needy guys arent actually the kind of guys we need in our lives. My ex was an alcoholic. Not violent. Liked women to be doing things for him. My ex before that was 10 years younger, mummies boy too. Was basically looking for a replacement. My kids dad even, is a lovely guy but couldnt make a decision if his life depended on it. That was always left down to me.I guess what im saying is sometimes we attract a certain type without meaning to.Its a case of being a bit more choosy and not just getting with someone that shows interest. Hang on in there for someone a little more stable and independant.Thats what im doing from now on. I hope anyway!Good luckC xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (3 August 2007):
 You are definately not alone on this one! I was a complete magnet for all the "idiots" walking the planet. If one came along, we stuck like glue!
Its been 9 years and I am still with my current boyfriend. I am very happy and we have a great relationship. Still have the normal problems, but we work through them together, but this didnt happen overnight. I made SO MANY mistakes in previous relationships! So many that my middle name was changed to "boob"! I too learnt a lot from the errors I made, or should I say I kept digging myself into a deeper hole, but EVENTUALLY along came Mr Right!
I didnt go looking for him, it just happened! Dont look for love. You may be 28 but you are not over the hill and have a long time to go before you can say, the biological clock is ticking! I am 32 and still have no intention at this very point in time to get married, I am having far too much fun the way things are. Just enjoy having a good time!
Go out with your pals, have fun, and dont look for love. It will happen when you least expect it and it will be a whirlwind experience. You cannot imagine what an experience it will be until it is happening, but just let nature take its course!
As for the ex's, they are ex's for a reason! They may say that they will reform and things will be better etc etc but until they are reformed, get on with things. Until they are reformed, its just talk. I went out with an alcoholic for 4 years. 4 Very long and very abusive years! I was promised on so many occasions that things will get better and he will stop, but to this day, he is still an alcoholic. Only now he is also HIV positive and has 6 kids, each by a different woman. He just couldnt help himself, and my love just wasnt enough! He needed to help himself and see the errors of his ways himself!
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